- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
Hi all. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year. We are in our 40’s, both went though divorces in the past 2 years. He is a great man, and we had a great relationship. We were very different in our views and opinions on most things (the big things, religion, politics, money) but we got along well, and were great together. Never “fought” just disagreed on these things. I had worried for a while about our differnces a great deal when we had talked of a future together. He always was the one to encourage me, and say how good what we had was. He was always going out of his way for me. I finally came to peace with our differences, and felt more commited than ever. It was great to feel confident. But it was lke as soon as I came to a place of peace with it, he went where I had been, and started wondering if our differnces would eventually cause prolems and lead to divorce if we married. At the same time, many things in his life went crazy. He is a doctor, and has businesses that are consuming. He was going through audits, a big customer complaint with one of his clinics possibly going to sue, Then the thing that set it all off is, he had a bulging disc in his neck well the roof in one his offices suddenly collalpsed from foundation shift, and he was hurt. He is hurt badly. Being a stubborn man, and a doctor he waited 3 weeks to get an MRI in terrible pain, finally did and has 4 ruptured discs and is so serious 2 have gone through the covering of his spinal cord, touching the actual cord. He devleoped a lesion on the spinal cord itself he waited so long, and has lost feeling in his arm, and loss of some movement. He is having a major sugery now soon, with a 3 level fusion and will have to be open through his neck, and have to grind away bone on his spinal cord. Needless to say he is terrified, and so busy has no idea how to have time for this. He will be total bedrest for a month. He told me right before he got hurt about being worried about us longterm, and was working through his feelings, knowing he couldn’t live without me. I told him to take some time and just destress, we waited a week and decided he wanted to be together and we wouldn’t focus on marruage for now. He was happy with that then became more distant shortly after. Told me he was worring again. Then the accident happened. Now all this has happened, he is totally overwhlemed. He told me he can’t think of anything he is so overwhelmed trying to manage the businesses, and prepare for surgery very soon. I totally understood. He said he needs me to be there, and he wants to stay close friends until all this is done, that he has nothing more to give right now. I said ok we can break it off, I will be there for you, give you space to figure it out, and be there for you. He was Ok with that. Then 3 days later I text to go get my stuff from his house because he said it was so painful to see it there. Well when I ask if he will be home, he says he can’t imagine us being aprt and lets figure something else out. So I said Ok, we shared many thoughts and feelings and were very close that day, he told me over and over how much he loved me. He said he wanted to get through surgery, and just destress some and he was sure he would be more confident about us. I have been telling him though all this lets not focus on marriage, just heal from all this. We both felt good, saying we would be there for each other, talk often and get together some while he goes through this. This was 3 weeks ago. I went on vacation the next week with my kids, we stayed in contact that week, and although not as frequent it was like always. He had me and my son come over to have my son do a little job for him for extra money. We laughed and hugged, and talked all day. It felt like the confidence in us was coming back. Then that night he calls, asking if my son got finished, and telling me all about his day. Then says how much its helping him to focus on our friendship and not worry over the relationship. I said well I guess I know then you want to be more friends. He snaps and says he didn’t say that, and would not talk about it, he was too tired. I talked later with his business mgr, who is clse with us both. She told me he told her the day before he finally came to a place that he knew he couldnt handle a relationship right now, he was too stressed and realized he wasn’t totally over his divorce. He wanted us to be close friends and be there for each other, but not in a relationship for a long while, and that he felt so broken right now he wasn;t sure when he woulf be. She told me she loved us both and she didn;t want me hurt and thought it would be a year or two before he sorted all this out, because he is so stuggling now all over again with his marriage failing and that us getting so close was bringing out all these fears. She said she told him he wanted his cake and to eat it to, and I may not can “just” be freinds. He told her he knew and just couldnt do more now. Of course Im so upset. So I text him to talk and tell him I know how he felt about everything and we should talk, that I understand how upset he is, but he needed to be honest that he wants to end things for now. He ignores me for hours and finally writes and says he hadnt changed anything, or ended anything, but he wouldn’t talk of it now. He finally wrote today saying we were both tired and he wanted to let us settle down. He tells me I already knew all this nothing had changed he just could offer more than being good friends now, and he really hoped I would stay in his life and he wanted to be there for me too, he just couldnt work on a relationship now. I wrote him that was fine, but he had pulled me back in when I broke things off, saying he couldn’t be without me, he loved on me, and assured me he wanted things back to nomral after surgery. Now he changed his tune on it all again. He said lets talk in a few days. He is ripping me to pieces. I have tried to hard to be there for him, put aside my feelings, give him space, and let it be his pace and what he is cimfortable with. I realize he is in such turmoil, and is reeling from it. Over 3 years ago his mother, father, and sister all died within 17 months, then his wife left 6 months later, and cheated with his best friend. He has been though terrible loss. He really has no one close except me and his business mgr. I know he truly needs me to help him through this sugery, it is such a big thing with a very long recovery ( and as it happens I am a nurse). I know I will be there for him, but I don’t know if i can handle this being “close” friends for so long. I want to be his everything again, and be close in those ways. Yes the emotinal support of a friend is great but I so miss curling up in his arms and kissing, and loving each other. How do i do this?