Post # 1
So background is… Coming up for 7 year anniversary, living together 3 years (2 rented & 1 year now living in “his” newly purchased home). He’s got a well paid job & I work full time also but don’t make anything near him 🙁 both early 20’s & families get along well.
Even though out of our friends circle were the couple that’s been together longest many of our friends have gotten engaged recently & I’m sick of hearing “thought you’d be first/before them” & at every family event everyone comments on why were not engaged yet so frustrating!!
So after a meltdown & telling him I don’t feel a major part of his life & pretty much “expendable” (as the mortgage is in his name) we had an argument. Next day he says he’s been thinking & realises its not fair on me so agrees he will put my name on the mortgage next year when it’s time to remortgage if I put away some money that he can also put towards the mortgage at the same time. Even though I always say its not about the mortgage it’s the lack of proposal he’s completely got the wrong end of the stick!!
Now he thinks problem solved! have no idea where to go with this now so any suggestions/comments would help & sorry for the rant like I said I’m a newbie!!
Post # 3
*also the reason the mortgage is in his name is because I couldn’t afford to save up the deposit money to split equally
Post # 4
Honestly doll, I would NOT be put on a mortgage with someone to whom I was not engaged or married. That’s just me though. Is there any way you can discuss this with him in a more straightforward manner? I.e, not “I feel disposable” instead, “I’m starting to feel like you don’t want to marry me because …. This makes me feel…”
They’re two separate issues, so I would take the mortage out of it personally. That seems like a separate conversation. OR “I feel uncomfortable being added to the mortgage when I’m not sure if this relationship is heading towards marriage and that’s what I want.”
Of course, the thing about being direct, open, and honest, is that you also need to prepare yourself for the possiblity that you may hear something you don’t like. Either way though, I honestly believe it’s much better in the long run to know exactly where you stand.
I hope it works out for you!!!
Post # 5
@Lucy2: Hi! I agree with @Mrs.LemonDrop: I doubt assuming his mortgage debt, will make you feel like a major part of his life. DO NOT do this until after you’re married! Start up some convos with him about marriage/ engagements. IMO, men have a hard time reading us girls. They sorta need our help in figuring out what we want:) Good luck!
Post # 6
@Lucy2: I would definitely talk to your boyfriend about how you feel, like the PP I wouldn’t be comfortable having my name put on a mortgage if I wasn’t engaged to him. But maybe because he wants to put you on the mortgage, he is planning to propose? You never know…but if the issue is him not proposing, I would talk to your boyfriend about you feel. 7 years is a long relationship. My FI’s sister has been with her FI for 8 years, they bought a house last fall and he finally popped the question so it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that he is planning to propose in the next year or so. But if you aren’t happy with where the relationship is going, I would definitely talk to him! 🙂 Good luck.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
Nope, my name won’t be on anything like that until we’re married. I would talk to him again.
Post # 8
We both want to get married someday..soon we have 2 homes and were both on the title… i did my research before hand on commonlaw, so i know what im entitled to if any case if we were to break up…but of course everyone is different.
Post # 9
He sounds like he is trying to make you happy. I would say something along the lines of “I appreciate your offer to put me on the mortgage. That makes me much more secure in the relationship and where we live. However, I would like to talk about our future and what role you see me in it. I think our relationship has great long-term potential and I would like to take the next step by getting engaged in the next year. What are your thoughts”
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Why would he want to get engaged and married? He gets all of the benefits of a marriage without that. You live together and share your lives just as any other married couple. Plus, he gets to occasionally be selfish like he was about the mortgage on the house and it is always excused because you’re not married. Does he actually want to get engaged and married at all? Time to have a serious conversation about where you each see this relationship going in the next few years. Seven years is a lot of time to be together and not know what page you are on as a couple. You need to be willing to walk though if he doesn’t want the same things as you (i.e. engagement and marriage.)
Post # 11
I hope it works out for you!!!
Post # 12
@Lucy2: I purchased a home with my FI before we were married, we were together for 4 years (living together the entire time). I wasn’t even looking for a proposal/marriage. Basically if a guy wants to get married, it doesn’t matter if you already live together, have “all the benefits of being married”, etc.; he will propose. If your guy is clueless, and doesn’t know you want to get married, you have to tell him. The other option, and I hope this isn’t the case, is he doesn’t want to get married.
Have you talked to him about marriage? Why don’t you propose to him? Another bee on here did that and it was super cute. Your BF obviously doesn’t understand how important it is for you to be engaged/married. People have differing ideas about committment, so you need to communicate with each other and make sure you’re both on the same page.
Post # 13
Talk to him again and explain what you meant! I agree with PP’s on the fact that I wouldn’t put my name on something that big while you two are just dating.
Post # 14
Just a thought: i’m assuming you’re in the states. If you are, in pretty much every state he can add you to title anytime (I happen to work in finance for the mortgage industry). Just something to think about!
That being said, I agree with the other bees that that isnt really the real issue. Part of me wants to say “7 years??? whats the hold up??” but then I see you say you’re in your early 20’s, so this is could a middle/high school sweetheart, and I think the time frame can be a little different than, say, if you’d both met and started dating IN your 20’s when you’re both established adults.
Yes, I’ve heard the whole “why by the cow?” and “why would he propose when yall are playing house?” theories, and while I do know that happens, I also feel the choice to move in together before marriage should be addressed on a case by case basis.
Us, for example: we met and were friends for awhile, then dated for a few months before he found out he had to move for his job and asked me to go with him. Of course I went. 9 months later we moved BACK again and are still living together. Before finding out about the move, our plan wasnt to live together until we got engaged, period….but then life happened. I had several concerned parties warning me about how he’d have “no incentive to propose”, etc. and while their thoughts are valid, there was more to the situation than just 2 unmarried people cohabitating.
If it were me, at this point, I’d simply tell him you have a timelime for how you’d like your life to play out (with him!) and make him aware of your desire to be engaged and married. Based on his reaction, you’ll be able to tell alot.
Post # 15
So he makes a lot more money than you but has asked you for a deposit to put your name on the mortgage? Are you paying rent to him?
Do you know how difficult it is to add someones name to a mortgage? Also will it mess with your chance to buy a new home yourself as a first time buyer? Have you come straight out and said when you want to be married by?
Post # 16
yikes. don’t put your name on the mortgage unless you’re married. just my 2 cents.