Boyfriend Has Doubts Sometimes?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My only advice would be to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. It’ll give you the chance to discuss these feelings in depth with him and see where he would like to see this relationship go or continue. You’ll also be able to explain your feelings to him about the relationship. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 3
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with the PP, you can really only have a serious conversation with him and discuss these things more in depth, and try to pin point exactly where his feelings and fears are coming fun. He needs to put things out on the table and fully discuss this because you can’t just say “I feel like something is wrong.” and leave it at that. I do not think you’re overreacting at all and I don’t blame you for feeling insecure. Best of luck hun, just make sure you mentally prepare yourself for this discussion because I would want the truth, even if it is painful.

I hope this was really nothing and you two can come together and work through this, because I can tell by your words alone how much to love him, and my heart hurts for you as I read your post.

 

Post # 4
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Erc84:  Ugh, what a hard thing to hear.  On one hand, he is being honest and open, which is exactly what needs to happen.  On the other hand, I do not think those things should be shared without a productive way of dealing with them, or suggestions he may have to alleviate these fears.

I do not think it is abnormal for one partner or another to be 100% sure, at appromixately one year into the relationship.  Sometimes people just need more time to work thru ‘things’, and to know if someone is the the ‘one’.  Where you would marry him tomorrow, he is not ready.

However, and this is where I would suggest you re-invite the conversation, he needs to be even MORE transparent.  Sure, he gets frustrated, and feels he needs a break from you due to the living quarters, desire for more alone time, etc.  (I am someone that needs alone time too), BUT you are not a mind reader, and there needs to be a mutually agreed upon plan for these moments.  This does not mean you should leave the apartment, because that seems unfair, but to have designated alone time spaces within the apartment is a great idea.  For us, I get the upstairs living room, and he gets the downstairs living room.  Bottom line, he needs to communicate his NEEDS, rather than penting up and getting frustrated down the road.  

At the same time, never ever give up what you need as well.  If you are willing to give him things, he needs to be willing to give you yours.  You should not ever feel the need to walk on eggshells to prove to him you are the ‘one’.  Know your boundaries, make your boundaries known to him, he should do the same, and of course respect them as well!!!  

It may be too soon for talk of an engagement for him, because he does not sound ready, BUT that does not mean you cannot ask for future goals, timelines, etc.

Post # 5
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

I don’t think you need to panic, but it does sound like your boyfriend has some needs that aren’t being met and you two should work together to figure out a solution.  Find out exactly what his space requirements are and see if they jive with yours.  Figure out a way to compromise.  

Is there something specific you’re doing that makes him feel that there is a noose around him when you are there?  Popping in when he wants to be alone?  I am a good example of this.  I am an introvert and there are times that I can get irritable if I don’t get some me time. When my boyfriend and I started talking about moving in together, I let him know this and said that if I need to be alone, I will let him know and go to the downstairs bedroom. Then we reconnect when I’m ready. He doesn’t bother me during that time. That doesn’t happen often, though.  

A serious talk is in order to see if there are some adjustments you both can make.  

Post # 8
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You’re not being insecure.  You live together, you sleep with each other, you presumably love each other, you’re mature adults and not teenagers.  I think you absolutely have a right to know where your relationship is generally headed, and it’s perfectly normal that not knowing would make you feel anxious.  Whether or not you can live with that uncertainty is entirely up to you, but your feelings are valid.  

Post # 10
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

If my FI ever told me that he ‘counts the hours’ until I’m not with him, I’d tell him that he would be ‘counting the hours’ until eternity ends because he wouldn’t see me for fucking dust.

When I lost my job, my FI and me had to spend 2 weeks together, 24/7 (he was on annual leave at the time).   I need my alone time far more than he does.  I would NEVER have said something as offensive as your FI said to you.

‘A noose around him’ because you are there?  What a fucking charmer he is.  #sarcasm.

Post # 11
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, I’m surprised at how blase people are being about this. I agree with the above poster. It’s normal not to be head-over-heels in love with someone every second of the day, but the actual phrases he uses are quite concerning and I would feel really hurt by them. If someone told me that they felt like there was a noose around their neck when I was around and that they counted the hours until I was gone, I’d be OUT OF THERE. Like, what?! That’s the way you feel about someone you hate, not someone you love. I know you love him, but it sounds like you guys just aren’t meant to be together, and I think you should break up… I don’t want to upset you but this isn’t a normal feeling for someone to have in relation to the woman they love. There are plenty of guys out there who would be happy to have you around, and I think that you should move on from this one so that you can find a guy you’re meant to be with. You’ll be so much happier, seriously. You won’t ever have to feel anxious about your relationship when you’re with the right person. Breaking up and starting again sucks, but you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about you as you do about them.

Post # 12
Member
1867 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I completely agree with the previous two posters, and I’m really surprised how everyone else seems to find his comments normal and okay. I’m sorry but its not okay for your partner to count down the minutes until you leave. Sure everyone needs and deserves alone time, but I still miss my FI when I’m having me time. You deserve someone who counts the minutes until he sees you again… Not the other way around. 

Post # 13
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

Don’t take such rudeness and hurtfulness from someone who is supposed to love you.  If you love someone then as someone else has already said then you would be counting time til you see them not til they go!  There are millions of people in this world and one of them will feel that way about you so go find him.  This is another classic case of someone trying to do a ‘kind’ breakup – there isn’t one, it sucks!

Post # 14
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Agree with the above posters. When a partner says things like that to you with out qualifying them (“I feel like you may not be the one WHEN WE (fight about whatever, for example” or “I feel like you’re a noose around my neck WHEN YOU…” etc) he’s not ‘sharing’, he’s being an asshole. I think it will help you less to try and figure out how to make it so that he doesn’t feel this way, and will help you more to figure out how to move on from him so you can find a man who doesn’t have these negative feelings toward you.

Post # 15
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Baal:  Werd.  There are much less hurtful ways to say I like having alone time.  I’m a really blunt person, and I don’t even think I would say that to my FI.  

 

Erc84:  For the record, I like to have more alone time than my FI.  He works from home, so sometimes it gets a little too close for comfort for me.  If I need to get away from him, I just leave the house for awhile.  I go to the beach, eat mexican food, walk around CVS, wake up early and play on WB (things he hates to do, but I love).  The “counting down the hours” comment is redic.  He is a grown man.  If he wants to be alone for a few hours, he can leave sometimes too ya know.  It’s not your job to cater to his every little emotional need and be a mind reader.  

You guys travel a lot for work and that isn’t enough time away for him?  I’m just curious because one would think he would want QT on days off together if you spend a lot of time apart for work.  

It may not be right, but if I were in your shoes I would be giving him a HUGE dose of alone time.  Go out with your friends,  go on a mini vacation,  go and stress over 14 shades of nailpolish at target.  Whatever you like to do, go and do it.  If he said anything, I would ask him about how his noose was feeling.  Okay maybe I would ask if he wanted to revisit the talk about the alone time issue instead.  If he lets you carry on and never mentions it, I would wonder if he was the right man for me.  I know this is probably the wrong answer, but it is an honest one.  

Regardless OP, I would be hurt too.  Sorry this is happening.

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