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I'm in a really heartfelt situation with one of my closest friends and my boyfriend. My girlfriend for whom I've known for over 20 years is getting married and I'm one of her bridesmaids. She and her husband decided not to invite my boyfriend, whom I live with and planning on marrying one day. The main reason why he was not invited was, because I had a brief relationship with one of the groom's best friends who is also in the wedding. This guy turned out to be a total psycho and caused problems in my current relationship. This guy basically threatened not to come to the wedding if I came with a date. So when the invitation came, I was not in total shock but really hurt. I thought it would have been appropriate for her to come to me right before she she sent the invites and told me what she decided to do. We did briefly discuss the situation months before, but she stated she was torn. At my friends bridal shower I decided to pull her aside after to discuss my feelings with her in a calm manner. She in turn lashed out and said she didn't know my bf that well and she was totally stressed about the situation and I should understand. A few days later I received an email from her basically stating I was in the wrong and this is her wedding and I have no say. She also came back and invited my. I knew I had to suck up my emotions and be the bigger person if I wanted to save our relationship, so i replied telling her I was gonna be there to support her and i would not be bringing my bf (since I felt it wasn't sincere). My biggest concern is how my bf is hurting. He is crushed, as well as I. I don't want to lose my friend but I also don't want my bf to feel uncomfortable knowing he wasn't invited bc of someone i dated. Help!
I honeslty think she did what was easier, not what was right. If she really wanted it to be about her day, she should have told mr. psycho groomsmen to get over it and suck it up. I think she knew you would be there no matter what, and so she took the easy way out. In my opinion, if you give someone a plus one on their invite, you don't really get to control who they bring. Just my thoughts...
I hate to say this, but I don't think there is anything you can do. I'm sorry this is a crummy situation :(
Its her wedding, you stated your concerns, and she in turn stuck to her guns. I am sorry for your distress and it can be frustrating, but it is her big day and this is how she is choosing to handle it. When its yours you can handle it how you choose. You can't ask her to sacrifice her comfort when she is the bride for your bf's comfort no matter how much you may want to. How long have you been with your bf?
I kind of agree with @sweetpea1031. It's unfortunate for you but the reality is, she's not obligated to invite your boyfriend and did what was going to cause less stress overall. Sorry you're going through this.
is he really crushed? i mean, there's plenty wrong in this situation, as i see it. 1st, the ex is a psycho and shouldn't make it about himself anyway. 2nd, you shouldn't have brought it up at her bridal shower. 3rd, it may be in bad taste not to invite him but it's for the unity of THEIR wedding. it sucks that she's freaking out on you but if you want to stay friends, i'd suck it up too and go stag. guys in general aren't like OMG A WEDDING!!! so i think he'll get over it and he just needs to understand that they're trying NOT to make a scene and let the day be about them. so... yeah. it sucks but i'd just go with it.
I totally agree with @elliestan . I've never met a man who would be "crushed" about not getting to go to a wedding. And In all honesty, your friend is probably under enough stress as it is. It's a bummer that your BF wasn't invited, but it sounds like in the end it was probably the right decision for the bride to make! Hopefully none of your other friends have "Crazy Ex BF" groomsmen and you and your BF can go to all future weddings together! :)
Your friend handled this situation very, very badly. As soon as the psycho groomsman made a threat not to come if a girl he wasn't seeing bought a date, the bridal couple should have responded that they'd miss him and move on. He was wrong to put them in that position, and they were wrong and in breech of etiquette to decide not to invite your boyfriend. I don't have any advice here really, I think you're being a very good friend but do know you are most certainly NOT in the wrong here.
I hate to cause more issues, but if I found out that I was not being invited to a wedding because one of fiance's ex's was being psycho, I would be pretty upset and probably not want him there either. I could not blame your bf for being upset about you being there.
So, Im the BF. Let's first put this in to perspective. This is not a typical 5-6 hour wedding or even an event where the bridesmaid needs to be there for the whole day. Its a weekend (Friday- Sunday) wedding, where the bridal party is basically required to stay in a secluded manor where the wedding is being held. There are approximately 12 people in the party (includung the ex) and this manor is in an intimate setting. Hence my issue. Some of you are correct. I could honestly care less about the attending the actual wedding. Im a guy. I would much rather spend the afternoon watching football! However, I do have an issue with my SO being away for two days without me, especially with a psycho ex that made it clear not too long ago, that he wishes to have her back and would stop at nothing to do so. Furthermore, he will be sleeping in the next room. The bride and groom are well aware of this situation and as one reply stated - took the easy way out. Im upset for the reasons I just stated and for the disrespect shown to my GF. With all of that said, I encouraged her, for the sake of her friendship with the bride, to attend the full function and fulfill her bridesmaid duties with out me. My GF would never dream of threatening the couple not to come if he showed up and the fact that he did and they didnt react appropriately is an insult to us. Yes, it has caused stress between the two of us and Im flat out pissed. We will get through this but it leaves a bad taste in our mouths. I guess we were looking for some validation. The bride has not been understanding and even though its her day, has taken her selfishness to a different level. More than just this issue.
@The BF: I understand that this situation sucks and it shouldn't be this way but I am glad that your GF is going to go and fulfil her duties. Hopefully you trust your GF and know that she will not put herself in a situation where 'psycho ex' will be a problem.
To OP: It does seem like the easy way out for the bride; however, I am sure this situation is bothering her a lot more than you think. Planning a wedding is stressful so I would just let it go and be the best BM you can be for her. Avoiding 'psycho ex' as much as possible
This situation was handled really poorly, and I don't blame you for being upset. In my opinion, if a couple lives together, you invite them both to your wedding, period. As PP have stated, if it's "her day" or "their day" then they shouldn't be pushed around by a groomsman into behaving so rudely.
I did go through something similar (though not to this extreme) with my fiance last month. He was a groomsman, and his ex was a bridesmaid. I was invited to the wedding, but not the rehearsal dinner. Now, before everyone goes off on me, I know you don't absolutely have to invite SOs of the bridal party to the rehearsal dinner. But she has never really gotten over him and was pretty upset to find out that we were engaged - we have mutual friends, so we hear about this kind of thing. Needless to say, I was uncomfortable. Not because I don't trust my fiance, but because it's just an awkward situation.
So I definitely see where you are coming from. There's nothing you can do, unfortunately, except avoid avoid avoid the ex and just get through the weekend. But you do have support here!
@The BF: THe ex BF should not matter in the least. If you truly trust your girlfriend, that is all that matters. Every man on earch could "want her back", and it wouldn't matter if she is truly committed to you! I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate any jealousy you have in this case. It is probably unfounded. And if it isn't, you should reevaluate why you are in the relationship. Let your girlfriend have a good time and celebrate a good friend's marriage!
Boyfriend - didn't your girlfriend say the bride DID ultimatley invite you? If so, then by all means GO. Problem solved.
I think the bride is being incredibly selfish here and "her day" doesn't justify being rude to anyone. I'm sure that if she were excluded from an invitation to her husband because HIS ex-girlfriend didn't want HER there she would understand very quickly what the problem is.
I think your GF would be well within her rights to step down as bridesmaid under these circumstances. If the bridal couple want to be held hostage by the psycho ex and his threats - so be it but she is under no obligation to do so, particularly if it creates a rift between the two of you.
Good luck and keep us posted!
@crayfish: with all due respect, I couldn't disagree with you more. This isn't about trust or jealousy - its about disrespecting this couple's relationship and putting the OP in an incredibly awkward and unfair position.
There is no way I would be cool with my fiance' or I attending an event at which one of us was excluded because of some ex's issues.
@lisa105: I second your opinion. Its not trust thats the issue... its how the situation was handled.
I just think it was a total sucky way to handle it on the brides part. Even if wedding planning IS stressful, there is no way to JUSTIFY treating friends like that or be rude to someone just cause its the brides day. There is a diplomatic way for it! Would you want to be friends with someone who is a total b!tch? just cause its her wedding day? and trade that off as an excuse for the actions? Friends should be treating each other kindly and treating each person with respect by there actions.
OP she totally dissed you. The tough part is how you react. I would take the onwards and upwards go.... keep your distance from physco ex, tell one of the BMs to keep him away from you and mention to the bride that you wouldnt want to be alone in the same room as him and could she please be a friend and keep that peace.
To the BF.. if your so worried, go travel with her and make a guys weekend of it.. bring a friend along.. dont go to the wedding but your on hand if she needs you. :) or gets put in a sticky situation. And that way, if it does get too much... she can pack her bags and leave with you.
Of course I trust her! She is going to the wedding and staying there for 2 nights. This has nothing to do with trust. If I didnt trust her then I either would insist she didnt go or get out of the relationship. As some people have stated, this is more about the disrespect and awkward position that she will be in. Its become damaging to their friendship. My GF chose to take the high road and write a very nice letter stating she would be their by her side the entire time and would be the best bridesmaid she could be. I believe she did the right thing.
The invite was after the initial argument. It was via text message and basically said, "fine, bring him". It was insincere at the very least, so we chose to ignore it. If this truly upsets the bride and groom then we are not in the business of making peoples life difficult or uncomfortable. Especially on the wedding day.
@The BF: on another note... if you keep everything diplomatic and low key and be the mature adult because we all know from the brides actions that she isnt, you will come off looking a whole lot better anyway. Also sometimes situations can appear bigger than ben hur until your actually in them. But its good to be the offer of the safety net. :)
Boyfriend - I think you and your girlfriend are being incredibly gracious about all this but also think you should remember that neither of you created this situation - the psycho ex and bridal couple did! You are not being "difficult" by wanting or even insisting to be treated with respect and courtesy.
I agree with lisa105. Not only is disrespect it puts a strain on both the OP and her BF. If this EX is serious bout what he said then he will probably do whatever possible to break them up.
Trust me I so understand OP. When I was dating this one guy my EX tried his best to cause problems cuz he wanted me back. If it wasn't for my FI he probably would be trying to do the same thing now. My EX knows my FI and has already been told to leave us alone or else.
If you feel that awkward, there is nothing that states that you have to stay for the reception. Your duty as bridesmaid is done once they ceremony is over. I would be there long enough to see their first dance and cutting of the cake. Make your toast and then leave. Let them know this before hand of course. If she wants to bitch that you have to be there then you may actually have to stand up for yourself. It might be her day but she doesn't have the right to put you in this situation.
I think the two of you are making a much bigger deal about this. You through a fit and she gave you the invite for your bf. And because you think she’s not being sincere the bf is not going? She didn’t want the bf invited but she did because you asked I’m not sure what the problem is besides that her invite wasn’t good enough for you.
This is her wedding day and she did the best she could in the situation. Would you have liked her FH to kick out a GM so your b/f could be a guest?
@lisa105: I agree, trust is not the issue here. I find it pretty hard to believe that anyone else in this situation wouldn't be the least bit upset, in spite of complete trust in their SO. This is about a complete lack of respect for a serious relationship.
Also, the OP is not going to have a good time at her friend's wedding because of this very situation. I know I wouldn't be able to relax and have fun with a weirdo ex lurking around.
@MsCheesecake: No, the bride didn't handle this as "best she could" - she handled it very, very badly.
The bridal couple should have nipped this in the bud with the psycho groomsmen by telling him to shut it and deal with the situation like a grown up or yes, step down as groomsman. Instead they gave in to his ridiculous threats and behaved abominably toward the OP and her BF - neither of whom did anything to deserve being treated so shabbily. What guest gets to dictate to the bridal couple who gets invited and who doesn't?
Yikes. Too much drama.
OP: I think you should focus solely on the bride for her day (weekend) and ignore psycho GM. Yes, it is incredibly awkward, rude and tense for all involved but would it be possible to just put on a smile for the weekend and move on with your life afterwards?
Boyfriend: I'm glad you want her to fulfill her BM duties. I completely understand why you're upset and I would be too if I were in your position. I know it's easier said than done, but take the high road and be the bigger person in this (which you already are, but just keep it that way).
If you got a hotel nearby, could she stay with you on the second night? I understand why the bride probably wants all the girls together the night before and for getting ready the next day but I don't see why it would be a problem for her to spend the night at a hotel...?
First, we did not throw a fit. She calmly and rationally asked to discuss this with her friend. She stated the reasons why it upset her and even made it clear she was not asking her to reconsider the invite. I'm sure it didnt translate well due to the amount of stress a bride can be under.
I understand you are unaware of the contents of the letter the bride sent to my GF, but if you were able to read it, I think you would have a different opinion. It was extremely insulting, belittling and selfish. I consider myself a reasonably level headed person, so I tried to look at it from every angle. Bottom line, the situation couldn't be more disrespectful. Anyway, thanks for your opinion.
Thank you for all your responses. I already made the final commitment to go. I guess I was just looking to see if I was over reacting with my disappointment in my friends choice. This has nothing to do with trust. It's about one of your best friends discounting your feelings and significant other in a rude, unthoughtful way. I'm to the point that this whole situation is sickening to me and not truly excited about being part of this wedding like I should be. I am going to one of my best friends wedding and in it and I cannot have my future husband by my side for a very important day. It's hurtful and honestly kind of embarrassing. All of our friends that are attending know how serious my BF and I are, and very aware of the psycho ex's behavior. What am I suppose to say when people ask where my bf is at especially when everyone else is allowed to bring their SO?
@MsCheesecake: wow did you even read the original post? I do not think they THREW a fit at all..
@crystalbelle: Be honest...say the bride was gonna have a heart attack if he came :) jk but I am so sorry you have to do that..you are a good friend for still standing up for her. It just shows you two are the bigger people!
@crayfish: Jeez, talk about reading what you want to read. Anyhow, I guess it's because most people on this board are either brides or brides to be or have recently been brides, we have bride-brain. This was so RUDE of the bride. Come on, I don't care if my BM threw a fit saying she won't come if my FI's friend (who happens to be her ex) comes, I would tell her, 'sayanara'! I honestly think this situation was handled really really badly by the bride. And I don't remember reading anything about the couple 'throwing a fit' to get a 'shut up and attend' invite. I think the OP and her BF are being very graceful in this situation. I don't know this psycho GM but I bet you he's the kind of person who is probably going to get thrashed at the wedding...I'm jus' sayin' :)
@bRooklynRocks: I totally just tried to "like" your post haha
@MsCheesecake: Actually yes. If this happened to me, I would tell my FI to tell his GM to back the hell out of the bridal party. I have known my friend since I was 10...IN THE 80'S!! She is more than a sister to me and I value the relationship she has with her boyfriend. The ONE AND ONLY REASON, I would tell my BM not to bring her boyfriend is if said GM always gets into, or has gotten into a fight with psycho GM. If not, we are all adults (over 18, I'm assuming) and can get along for 2 days.
Yes, totally mishandled. The bride should never had let someone else's immaturity (the GM's) dictate her guest list. I think this is what they call "the tail wagging the dog." Unfortunate; I hope you have fun, anyway.
Let's be honest, the bride is kinda being a b*tch. I also just wanted to say that I think it's incredibly sweet that BF created a screen name to help explain the situation. I bet when your time comes, you'll have a lovely wedding where exes aren't forced to mingle and you'll invite people's serious BFs.
@crystalbelle: I'm a spiteful *ith so I would tell them the truth. They're gonna find out sooner or later anyway and your friend is gonna look stupid regardless.
I gave my opinion as if I was the bride, my FH has not really wanted anything special for the wedding so if there was a GM who he wanted in the wedding and was threatening to not go because of someone’s bf there is no question we would not be inviting the bf. BUT if they were engaged it would be different.
She said they had talked about that her bf wouldn’t be invited before. And she wasnt shocked when they invite came to only her.
It was only talk and it was months ago. We had hoped the ex would calm down and the bride would come to her senses. She never approached my GF to at least give her the courtesy of letting her know before the invitations were sent out. Regardless of knowing or not knowing beforehand, its still wrong.
I'm kind of surprised by some of these comments. I would be incredibly hurt and angry if I were the OP and her boyfriend, and I think they have every right to be upset. The bride should have nipped this issue in the bud immediately, and she's being a terrible friend just to pacify a demanding groomsman.
If I were crystalbelle, I would tell my friends the honest truth when they asked where my boyfriend was. The bride does not deserve anybody protecting her after her behavior. It doesn't have to be said out of spite, but in this case, I would be all for honesty.
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