- 4 years ago
I am new to these boards, but I have been reading these boards for years thinking that I wouldnt need to use them to seek my own advice. Well the time has come and I am looking to you all for a little bit of guidance and advice, I will try to keep this as short as I can without loosing details.
My BF and I have been together for just about 6 years, I am 30 and he is 33. we had the plans of moving to Colorado a few years ago after I had fiinished school. We havent moved yet and I am getting restless. He was born and raised where we live and I am from MA, I desire to move back up there where my family is and where I ultimately want to raise a family. But he told me he will not be going up there and that if “I want to go so badly, I am going alone”. This is just the first of many comments like this.
My doubts started about 2 years ago when we were seriously discussing moving to CO, I told him I dindt want to move withoutt a ring, a higher level of commitment from him. He said to me what is his commitment that i wont just leave when we get there….we are going there bc most of his best friends had just moved away from us to there and I m going bc i think it would be fun and something new . So, its a place HE wanted to go and I was just going to try it out bc i like adventure. He told me I wouldnt be getting a ring to go there and that he already showed his “commitment” by helping me go to school. I informed him that I do appreciate that he helped and we had some sacrifices for me to go to school, but that was not commitment.
Fast forward to now, we are still living in the same place barely talking about the future. This past November is when it really started to get bad. I asked him where he sees us in 5 years and he told me that he doesnt think that far ahead…i asked him why is that and he said he just doesnt. I said dont you see us getting married, having kids etc? His response was “I dont care about getting married, its just a piece of paper to me.” Now this is something new, the first year we were together HE was the one who had brought up marriage not me. 3 years ago when i graduated from school, the night of my dinner he told my family he would propose to me, 2 years ago he told me himself he was going to do it soon adn that he told his sister and shes hepling to find rings, THere has been 3 occasions that he was “going to do it and now he doesnt want to. I asked him if he even wants to get married at all or be with me and he tells me all the time that “if he didnt want to be here he wouldnt”. But I am not so sure anymore.
I had said jokingly that our 5 yeear anniversary was coming up in Feb, wink wink and I had told him a few years back that if he wasnt sure at 5 years maybe I need to be moving on. He goes ” youre not getting a ring in february, and if you want to leave me because youre not getting one you can get your sh*t and leave now”. THAT came out of no where, i didnt know what to say or how to react, I got up and went in the bathroom and bawled my eyes out for 45 min and he never checked on me and never asked me how i felt. Fast forward to our Feb anniversary and I asked him “what are we doing” and he got defensive and asked me what i am trying to say . I told him th at i was just gauging where we stand. I brought up marriage again and he said ” I love you and I want to be with you, I dont need a piece of paper to tell me that but if I dont marry you I know you will leave me so I ll get married”……. OK thanks. So now I am forcing your fear hand? We went to a friends party shortly after that was celebrating their marriage. This couple had been together for 10 years and MUTUALLY never wanted marriage, ,but he needed better insurance so they got married. In front of all of our friends he congratulated them and said “way to go guys, you were my exact reason for why i didnt need to get married”. I told him how much that hurt and how that cheapend our relationship in everyones eyes and how can he say that. He again said to me I will marry you its just not what I want, its not something that I dreamed about and that most girls would be happy their bf wanted to marry them even if they didnt…….
my confusion is at a screaming height, i can give more examples, but these ones are huge. now all we do is bicker and fight, there is not intamcy, there is no romance, no suprises, barely any real converstions and the sex life is stale . i dont know what I should do anymore, leave because of his atitutde and i feel like he is too immature still and that we are growing in different paths at different speeds or wait it out even longer because he does love me? we are not happy and i dont know how to change that.
Everyting i do is wrong to him, he is super critical to the point of where we get in a fight bc he thinks i am cutting a pepper wrong. yes, you read that right cutting a pepper wrong. I know he isnt happy and now he is taking it out on me. All of my friends tell me to leave, my gut tells me to leave but i cant seem to let go of a future i had planned and 6 years together.
i am soooooooooo sorry this is wicked long but i had to get most of it out of my system.