Boyfriend of 6 years told me he doenst need to be married….

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am honestly shocked you didn’t book it out of there in February when he flat out said “no ring and if you don’t like it pack up and leave”

He’s made his intentions (or lack thereof) perfectly clear.

Post # 4
405 posts
Helper bee

@lovelyships:  I would leave, if it were me.  He’s made it painfully obvious that he doesn’t want to marry YOU.

Post # 6
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrs_pudding_pop:  +1

Unfortunately, some people aren’t ready for or don’t have the desire for marriage.

Post # 7
3197 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

No one can hold you hostage in your life unless you let them.  I understand that at first he expressed that he was interested in marrying you but now he’s not following through with that plan or any plans you had for the future.  People change over time and become complacent.  Sometimes you need to call their bluff.  Move out and move on.  If he truely loves you and wants a future with you than he’ll pursue you.  If not at least you are no longer waiting around for him to decide if this is what he wants for his future.  What about what you want?  If you want to move to be with your family, then you need to do it.  

Post # 8
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would have left when he so rudely told me to pack my shit and leave. He made his intentions clear. And you’re not happy.

He also said that he will just go ahead and marry you if that is what you want. And you’re not happy.

Will you ever be happy? I highly doubt it. I think he is serious when he says he doesn’t see the point in having a big wedding and getting married because he probably already feels married. But I aslo feel that if he does propose, you will feel like you forced him, and it will probably always feel that way because he obviously doesn’t want to get married.

I say if you can’t handle the fact not being married, it is time to leave. Either that, or you can stay with him, hoping that he will come around one day when it may be too late to have kids or when you feel too deep into this relationship to want to get out.

Post # 9
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lovelyships:  I’m usually the first to eye roll at quotes about love, but the idea that “love is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction,” seems really important here.

You clearly want different things in life and it doesn’t seem like either of you can compromise without being deeply unhappy. 

If I were you, I would ask to go to counseling together, to be able to talk this out and see if these big conflicts can be resolved. If he refused, I would leave. 

Post # 10
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you want to get married, it is not going to be with this guy.  And marriage is not going to make your relationship better.  Marriage is great, but it also complicates a lot of things.

I don’t think you necessarily have to get married, but if it’s something you want for your life & future children, you should not have to give that up.  There are other people in the world who want the same things you do.  The decision is to leave & find them, or stay in this relationship based on time & your age. 

I firmly believe that when a man meets a woman he wants to marry, he will make it happen. 

Post # 11
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

You need to leave, move on with your life and find a guy that wants to marry you.

I would be devastated if the guy I loved could give two shits about marriage and told me to “pack up and leave.”

You need to leave…if you don’t…it no longer becomes his fault, but yours.

Post # 12
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why would you want to marry this jerk? Leave…you will find someone who will move mountains to be with you. This relationship is unhealthy at best.

Post # 13
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lovelyships:  Sorry to hear this. It must be hard, beacuse you are emotionally attached to him, and leaving would hurt like hell. But I would leave. date someone new, heal a little bit. Write a list of what you want in a partner (a serious list, not a he must be 6′ and blond), and tell yourself you deserve the best! If a guy doesn’t give you the best and respect you, then to the curb he goes!!!

Don’t worry dear, if you treat yourself good, the way you deserve, life will work out.

When I was dating my husband, I told him that anything over 5 years is too long (except in extenuating circumstances)…..luckly we dated for 2….but I was firm in what I believed. I wasn’t giving him a ultimatum…I was giving him reality.  

Post # 14
2385 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lovelyships:  Only you know the best thing to do at this moment. However if marriage is important to you he had made it clear it is not to him. Furthermore, he has made it clear that marriage is not an option for him, it sounds like ever. Is that something you can live with without regrets and resentment? I know I couldn’t. It does worry me that he seems to not care about your feelings on the matter at all, a good caring boyfriend would at least try to hear you out and explain his reasons when he sees you hurting over the issue…. 

I’ve been with DH for 8 years, married just a few months. We had a rough patch as well where I thought marriage would never come. However we talked through it like any committed couple should. Had he told me “no ring and if you don’t like it pack up your shit & leave” I would be out the door, as hard as it is. IMO that is not the way to treat or talk to your long-time girlfriend unless you really want her out… 

Post # 15
817 posts
Busy bee

You know you need to leave, I can hear it in your post.  He flat out said he doesn’t want to marry you.

He sounds kind of selfish and immature.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁

Post # 16
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@lovelyships:  First of all, I’m really sorry to hear that you are having a hard time and having a bad waiting year.  It happens to the best of us.  Undecided

I’ve been waiting for a while and my situation is VERY close to yours. 

My doubts started about 2 years ago when we were seriously discussing moving to CO, I told him I dindt want to move withoutt a ring, a higher level of commitment from him

My SO and I have no plans to stay here.  In fact, most of his friends finished school and got awesome jobs in Oregon (we live in Florida) and he wants to relocate there.  I love my SO, want to marry him, and so going with him is a logical step.  I told my parents-Mom was excited and supportive, Dad was all ‘Why would you leave without a ring’.  This was last October, about a year ago, and well….I told my SO this and he had the SAME REACTION your SO had.  He made it VERY clear that if we were going to be married/engaged, it would not be happening until AFTER the move as he wants to get settled.

I took this personally and honestly, we’ve had a rough waiting year because of it.  The best thing you can do if you really love this man is DROP IT!!  I’ve had to learn that.  I’ve also had to change my attitude from blaming him that our timelines don’t match up, to trusting that it will happen when it is supposed to.

As for the comment about having an ‘excuse not to get married’ because he had other friends that held off…I would be offended too!!  But it’s like this—How well do you know these people?  Can you chat up the wife in that relationship and get down to the nitty gritty?  If she REALLY is the woman who didn’t care at all about being  married, maybe your BF thinks that is a great mentality to have, that she is a woman who just wants to be with a man because she loves him and not because she wants to get married.  If so, maybe you can take some cues from her.  Otherwise, this could be a classic case of not knowing all the details and your BF has ‘grass is greener’ syndrome because he THINKS that she didn’t want to get married, but maybe she did, and said she’d leave so he proposed and said it was for insurance reasons.  LOL.  You just never know!

I’ve posted on other people’s posts about having a ‘soft’ timeline.  For me, I know that I am more than happy to wait a bit longer.  My SO wants us to move, we get situated, we have some fun with life and then we get engaged.  I used to get upset, but really, whats wrong with wanting to save and be in the right place to get married?  WITH THAT SAID, I know that if I turn 34 and we are not engaged, well, I just don’t know if I could continue to stay in the relationship unless I decided that I didn’t want kids (right now I want the option but won’t let myself think about it too much until I’m engaged at least haha!)

Sorry for the long reply, just wanted to give you some perspective/things to think about.  Welcome to the bee!!  Hang in there, post to this website, let your frustrations out and we are here for you!!

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