Boyfriend on Tinder…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
461 posts
Helper bee


Your situation resonates with me because your boyfriend sounds like my father (sad, but true).  Unfortunately, my dad does not know how to take care of himself emotionally.  His dad was very hard on him (he was the baby of 4 and his dad never let him forget it), so therefore he is always looking to outside sources for ego-stroking and making himself feel good.  As a result, he was unhappy for his entire 25 year marriage to my stepmom, and we found out later he had several affairs throughout their marriage.  He also suffers from depression because he is never satisfied.

I’m not saying your BF is a full-blow narcissist, because he’s readily admitting why he’s on the website and how it makes him feel to get that attention (most narcissists would never admit this), but I would be wary that he may be the type of person who is never happy and always looking for someone else to validate him and make him feel good about himself. 

See it as a red flag and proceed accordingly.  Good luck!

Post # 3
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I agree with the PP. I would take note of this behavior and be on watch. 

He sounds very young, also, so maybe he’s not ready for a serious relationship. 

Watch your back, OP. 🙁

Post # 5
246 posts
Helper bee

Honestly… I don’t think he’s worth your time.  Sorry.  Tinder is a hook up/dating app, and he was on it while you two were out together.  Don’t wait around for him to actually cheat.

Just my 2c.

Post # 6
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

No, this is not acceptable. Just no. It’s been 6 months! You’re worth more than this kind of crap. 

Post # 7
6166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

he was cheated on and feel insecure so he is doing the same thing to you.  while it might not be physical yet, it is emotional.

6 months isn’t that much time invested.  if you think he is worth it to work on, you should.  but you might also do better finding someone who respects you.

Post # 8
357 posts
Helper bee

mosh17:  this sounds like bad news to me. He says he’s depressed. If he’s in a relationship he is happy in, he wouldn’t do or say all the things he said. 

He’s keeping you until he can find the next person who can replace you. Yes, he brings you to his family. So what? That doesn’t mean anything until he starts being loyal.

You are better off dumping him while this relationship is still young. Trust me, you won’t regret this and you will find someone better.

Post # 9
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

Been there, done that… different apps though.  My last exbf (before I met FI) did this and I couldn’t deal with it.  He deleted the first app, then moved onto another one that I didn’t have any experience with… He also renamed it on his phone and changed the icon to something like a calculator or calendar!  No lie- the man was having convos on “Words with Friends” and would eventually add these girls as friends on Facebook saying they were coworkers.  He gave me the same excuses that it wasn’t “real” and he needed his ego stroked.

It might not have been real to him, but the pain it caused me was real.  I felt betrayed, un-sexy, and like I wasn’t enough. Trust me, meeting his family is NOT enough to build a sturdy relationship (exbf’s mom in this scenario loved me and still sends me cards 2 years later).  What should have happened is that if he feels less-than or unattractive, he should come to you.  Going to other people secretly is not the way to strengthen a relationship!  If he’s depressed and doesn’t want to burden you with that, he needs to seek some professional counseling. 

Also… about his messages, “none of them were flirty”… my impression of Tinder is that they don’t need to be overtly flirty, it’s sort of implied that you’re trying to get physical from the get-go there. 

Post # 10
8388 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

But I don’t know if that’s what’s causing him to just seek validation or to actually cheat on me…

mosh17:  Does it really matter?  Either way, this guy just isn’t worth your time; be glad that you only wasted 6 months.

Post # 11
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

mosh17:  I think you should be ready for him to cheat on you if you don’t take the appropriate steps. If he’s seeking some kind of validation, it should be coming from you so why is he looking for it outside? If you are satisfied that you are doing all you can to give him a sense of security, then I think you should be prepared for heartbreak because he WILL cheat on you if he’s looking for validation from other women. 

Secondly, you should be thankful that he did not delete those conversations. If he did, you would never really know what he’s been up to. 

Post # 12
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Regardless of whether he’s actually cheating on you, do you really want a relationship with someone who is so shallow and immature that they need validation from an online hook-up site? 

Personally I’d give him the boot. His current capers suggest that he’s totally unreliable. 


Post # 13
6685 posts
Bee Keeper

Your BF of six months is going on a dating website and chatting with other girls right in front of you and you want to know what to do?  Have higher standards for yourself.    Dating others or being in a nonexclusive relationship is one thing, but he was  totally disrespectful.  I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like that and neither should you. 

Post # 14
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@weddingmaven: +1000

Have some self respect, OP. At best, your boyfriend is seeking sexual validation/ego boosts from women other than you, and at worst, he’s literally trying to hookup with other women right in front of your face. I don’t care how “damaged” he is from his last relationship, you need no part of trying to fix him. As our friend Sweet Brown wisely says: ain’t nobody got time for that.

He’s a douche. Move. on.

Post # 15
10 posts

mosh17:  Sorry to be so blunt, but this is totally unacceptable! If he wants to continue this relationship with you, he needs to stop searching for female attention OUTSIDE the relationship. He seems very confused about what he wants and he may not be ready for a serious relationship. If you choose to continue the relationship that’s your choice, just watch out for yourself. your best bet would be to end it now before he hurts you. :/

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Shadowkat13.
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