Post # 1
My boyfriend and I are 23 and when we first started seeing each other three years ago we used to talk about kids and marriage, we even named our one day kids. I know we are young but lately he has been bringing up that he doesn’t know if it is fair for us to be together because “he doesn’t know if he ever wants to get married or have kids” he said “he doesn’t want that much responsibility and doesn’t want to be told what to do”. I realize we are young but should this be a deal breaker? I feel like when he matures he will change his mind, but it seems as though he can’t see a future with me? He still lives at home and is very much reliant on his mom for a lot of things. His parents have an amazing relationship and very much inlove. He had never had anything bad (significant) happen to him in his life, he has been very fortunate. When I see families out at the park and dads caring and having fun with their kids it is hard to imagine him having any passion and love for that kind of thing. I know that I want to get married and have kids, 100 percent. What do you think I should do?
Post # 2
You can’t count on him changing his mind. It’s very possible that he could, in the future, want to have a family and kids. But you have to ask yourself if that’s something you’re willing to risk? If you decide to stay with him and in 10 years time, he still feels the same way, you have no one to blame but yourself. If he still feels the same way in 10 years, will you still feel the same about him? Or would you walk?
Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me.
Post # 3
Honestly, I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do.. This is completely your decision. If it were me in the situation it would be a huge deal breaker. I have always and will always want a family and there is no way I would risk that for someone who doesn’t know if they want that too. Sure, people can change their minds but I honestly wouldn’t risk it. <br /><br />As for him still living at home and relying on his mom.. that can definately change! My fiance was the same way at 22 and I made him choose to either a) buy a house with me/ move out with me or b) break up with me. and honestly it was the best decision we could have made! He has grown up a lot since then and we couldn’t be happier!
Post # 4
I think you should believe him and move on.
Post # 5
Kartiebee: I would tell him how you feel. You used to talk about marriage and kids and those conversations made it seem like your relationship was going in that direction. Now, his no-marriage and kids plan has made you realize that you want different things out of life. Tell him that you love him and would love to see this relationship go the distance, but marriage and kids are non-negotiable things that you want at some point (assuming they are), and if his goals don’t allign with yours, it would be unfair to both of you for one of you to have to give that up. see what he says. you might have to walk away.
Post # 6
The most worrying part of what you’ve quoted your BF as saying is the ‘doesn’t want to be told what to do’ That’s a remarkably immature thing for a man of 23 to be saying.
It’s fine not to know for certain if you want children at 23 – at that age I wasn’t certain. But added to his ‘I don’t know if it is fair to us to be together’ … I wouldn’t invest anymore time in this relationship. Sounds like he is having serious doubts and is gearing up to a split anyway.
Post # 7
If my BF at the time had started talking marriage and kids at 23, I’d have been gone so fast he wouldn’t have known what hit him. Marriage and kids aren’t for everyone, and they’re certainly not for everyone at such a young age. If you’re dead set on getting married in the next couple of years, he’s probably not the man for you. If it’s a “someday, it might be nice”, then it might be worth waiting. But in general, if your SO tells you something, believe them. He’s already told you he’s not ready. Believe that.
Post # 8
I don’t want to sound harsh but it doesn’t sound like he’s committed to you if he’s using things like marriage and children which could well be 10 years away as an excuse to end your relationship. I would move on, men don’t usually say things like that unless they want to end a relationship, for whatever reason.
Post # 9
He is flat out telling you that you both want different things, and frankly it sounds like he wants out anyway. Believe him and find someone else who is a little more mature and has similar life goals to you. You don’t want to waste your 20s with a ‘maybe’.
Post # 10
Kartiebee: In my experience, a guy saying he doesn’t want marriage or kids means one of two things:
1) He doesn’t want marriage or kids, period.
2) He doesn’t want marriage or kids with you.
Either way, it sounds like you should walk as those two things seem to be non-negotiables for you. And while yes, he is young and may be nowhere near ready for marriage and kids at 23 (which is fine!), he should at least have that possibility in the back of his mind if he really wanted to commit to you. Does that make sense?
Post # 11
Thank you every for the help I really appreciate all your comments. Just to add – last night I asked him what he would do if he found a girl who he couldnt imagine his life without but she wanted kids. He responded with “I can’t see my self ever feeling that way about someone”. It’s kind of shocking because I thought that he felt that way about me. In the past he used to always say things to me like that. We always used to talk about where we were going to live and our futures together with alligned goals. Do you think that he can’t see that life with me or that he will just never get married?
Post # 12
it would be a dealbreaker for me. if the guy i was seeing didn’t see marriage or kids in our future, he wouldn’t be the guy for me, no matter what other amazing qualities he possessed.
Post # 13
Kartiebee: If marriage and kids are important to you I would definately move on. He’s trying to tell you that he dosen’t think you two will be compatible in the future, and I think you should listen to him. He may never come around to the idea of marriage and kids. Or he may, but not necessarily with you. If I were you there’d be no way I’d wait around to see if he changes his mind years from now. I’d be out dating and keeping myself open to the possibility of meeting my future husband.
Post # 14
If your idea of a good life involves marriage and children, and his idea of a good life doesn’t include either of those things, you’re better off breaking the relationship now rather than waiting and hoping he will change.
My husband was rather anti-marriage and is anti-children. I was marriage-ambivalent and anti-children. We realized that we would be together regardless of marriage because we love each other, but that getting married would make the process of moving abroad a lot easier. This is not the norm. But we communicated our wants and needs in life and we were able to come to a solution that works for us. You need to do this with your boyfriend and figure out if the piece of paper that makes a relationship a marriage is so important that you can’t live without it.
Post # 15
Kartiebee: It honestly sounds like he is just not mature. He might not want marriage/kids with you or just not right now. And even if it is just right now, that still means you, because you are his right now. I do not mean this as a negative towards you in any way, shape or form. I think this is HIS issue.
But you need to move on. Life is too short to waste your time with someone who doesn’t have the same marriage/family goals as you. You could be missing out on the man of your dreams while “waiting for him to change his mind”. And this guy has even admitted that he doesn’t feel that way about you. Maybe he’ll come around one day, but why spend your life waiting around? Spend your time working on you and enjoy being young. You’ll find a man with similar desires for a family with you.
I wasted a lot of time on a man who did not have similar goals. I thought he would change. He didn’t. Long story. I decided I wouldn’t settle for less than I deserved. Now I am incredibly happy with a man who is on the same page as me. 🙂
Best of luck to you!