Post # 1
Hey guys! This is my first post on here and I’m hoping to get some advice on my situation.
So my boyfriend and I have been together about 2.5 years. We’re both in our early 20s. I just graduated with my bachelors degree and will be attending graduate school in the fall. He has one more year of undergrad left and then he plans on getting a job.
Our relationship so far has been great. We have the same interests and values, our families get along, and we just mesh together so perfectly. I love him very much and he’s my best friend. About a year into our relationship, we started talking about kids and marriage, what kind of house we wanted, etc. Now that I’ve just committed myself to another four years of schooling to get my doctorate degree, I wanted to talk to him about when we were planning on getting married. I wanted to know a timeline in order to get my finances in order when it came to my student loans and how to plan my internships, among other things. Well, he completely freaked out when I brought up the topic. He said we didn’t need to think about that right now. I pushed a little further and then he revealed that he just wasn’t ready to get married, that he believed he wasn’t mature enough to handle all the new responsibilities. I asked him what made him scared of marriage and he snapped at me, saying he wasn’t scared, but that he felt that I was pressuring him and constraining him.
I stopped asking after that and I felt so deflated and sad. He felt bad about how he snapped at me, and he kept reminding me how much he loved me and that he did want to marry me, but he didn’t want to discuss it at the present time. I understand and respect that he’s not ready right now, but I don’t understand why even the spark of a serious conversation dealing with marriage unnerved him so much. I’m not asking him to marry me tomorrow, and I told him that, but he still didn’t even want to talk about it.
With grad school on the horizon, I’m just uncertain about our future I love him so much, but with me moving away to grad school, it would be comforting to know when we could finally be together as a married couple. And yet, he won’t talk about it with me…any thoughts as to why he’s acting this way?
Post # 2
He’s telling you exactly why – he isn’t ready yet. I know you probably don’t want to hear this but you’re both super young. A lot of maturity (usually) happens, especially for guys, between 20-27ish. If you love him and he loves you and you’re happy together, stay with him. He wouldn’t have been willing to talk about marriage, kids and everything if he couldn’t see that with you. It just sounds like he isn’t ready yet.
Post # 3
PsychGIrl13: He isn’t ready yet that is your answer. Now it is up to you to decide whether he is worth the wait or if you want to move on and find someone else that might be ready for marriage on the same timeframe as you.
Also I would recommend not making decisions about your education or career based on whether or not you are married. Marriage should work around those things, not the other way around.
Post # 4
PsychGIrl13: If he’s telling you he’s not ready, listen to him. It doesn’t mean you guys won’t stay together or you won’t get married down the track but its just not the time right now.
Trust me, you don’t want to start going down the path of marriage with someone who isn’t 100% on board with the idea, so just let it be for now. Getting engaged and planning a wedding when you are both completely and truly ready and on the same page is the greatest thing. Its worth the wait!
I totally get that its a little disheartening but it just won’t work if you push it. The fact that he’s being open and honest with you is a really good thing so don’t look at it in a negative way. There are plenty of guys out there who wouldn’t be brave enough to tell you how they honestly feel.
Post # 5
Another vote for the fact that if a man says he isn’t ready for marriage then all he means by it is exactly that- he isn’t ready and doesn’t want to get married! Girls come on here time and time again asking what it means but really wanting someone to tell them that it doesn’t really mean what they don’t want to acknowledge! That isn’t possible but what we can do is sympathise, listen to your venting and send you big virtual hugs to try and help you through this horrid time. Xx
Post # 6
PsychGIrl13: so I wouldn’t plan around him because he said he’s not ready. That means there’s no certainty so you should do what’s best for you. He may be ready too but he may never be ready.
Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
Post # 7
The reason it unnerved him is because he simply isn’t ready. Getting married isn’t like going to the store and picking out an outfit, or deciding what color you want to paint the house, or even if you want to get new tires for the car. It isn’t something that’s simply a thing you wake up and you’re like, “I need to get my tires aligned and my oil checked. I’ll do that this friday.”<br /><br />It’s a big deal. It’s something that changes your life and if he isn’t ready to get married, he probably isn’t ready to talk about it just yet.
Post # 8
I agree with everyone here, at least he is honestly telling you he is not ready. Neither of you are out of school, you are both young I wouldn’t rush it. He is probably also scared of being out of school (for the first time ever!) and joining the ‘real’ world full time. If this is the man you want to marry, I would give him some more time.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
PsychGIrl13: many many men are not ready for a legal lifetime committment at such a young age, when he doesn’t have a stable career or even a degree and his emotional maturing had not yet been completed (per neurological development timelines).
frankly he is wise not to rush into marriage. And yes 2.5 years in your early 20s is rushing. You gotta just chill and enjoy your relationship, or find someone who wants to marry quite young.
Post # 10
He made it perfectly clear–he’s not ready. There is nothing you can do about that. So, I would suggest refocusing on your education & future career. Become a successful & independent woman, with or without him.
If it were me, I wouldn’t hesitate to date other people at grad school. With no committment from bf, I would feel the need to expand my social network.
At your age, I definitely don’t recommend having all of your eggs in one basket. Your wish to be part of a married couple before you leave for grad school sounds more like some insecurity to me.
I remember a bf I had in my 20s that I thought was serious. He wasn’t ready. He told me I could be the one he married someday. But, it could just as easily be someone else. I was hurt. Looking back, I can’t believe I ever gave a rip.
If your bf is the right guy for you, the relationship won’t evaporate when you go to grad school just bcause you’re not married.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
PsychGIrl13: He’s too young be ready for that type of commitment. I agree with PP that a lot of men don’t really hit that level of maturity until they hit their late 20s (early 30s for some). I can see why he wouldn’t be ready for marriage yet, especially since he is going to grad school.
Men have a lot of expectations placed on them when it comes to marriage. They are expected to provide for their wife and kids, therefore many believe they need that perfect job and a house and money saved up and the approval of their dads before they really feel ready to get married.
Don’t take it as he doens’t ever want to get married, he’s just not ready now. If you can’t handle that and you aren’t willing to wait until he’s ready, then by all means end the relationship and find a guy who’s ready. But bear in mind most other guys your age are going to be in a similar mindset (especially if they are in college and grad school.)
As for your education and career, it’s okay to take his plans into consideration but if you are intrested in or offered something amazing, do not be afraid to go and do it without him. Beocming a self sufficient independent woman is extremely sexy so if he can’t handle you, there will be plenty of other men ready to line up in a few more years.
Post # 12
PsychGIrl13: FI and I never seriously talked about getting married until we were finished with college. I feel that very few people (especially guys) are ready to get married while they’re still in college. The environment of college just isn’t conducive to thinking about marriage – and in my opinion, it shouldn’t be. College is the last time in your life you get to be (relatively) free of major responsibility and it should be enjoyed as much as possible. He told you he isn’t ready; personally, I’d wait until he was finished with his degree to even bring it up again.
Post # 13
His age/school situation has a lot to do with it….but it’s not that men aren’t ready to get married young, it’s that your man isn’t ready to get married young. There are plenty of guys who want to get married before 25. Anway, I think this is the time to figure out what you want: when you want to pay your loans, what internship you wnat to do, when do you want marriage, which of your plans are important and which are flexible. The first step to getting what you want- is deciding what the heck you want.
Post # 14
Agreed. If you were in your early thirties and having this conversation, you might have something to be really concerned about. But your early twenties? He’s still in college? And you’ve only been together 2 1/2 years? (That’s plenty of time to date if you’re older, but most people who marry young have been together for 5+ years and just can’t wait any longer.) He’s probably telling you the complete, honest truth. He’s just not ready. In a few years, there’s a very good chance he will be.
Post # 15
Thanks for all your responses guys! Everything you’ve said has made sense. I know I jumped the gun about marriage with him, but it was difficult not to due to a few reasons. First, with grad school, it’s scary and unknown to me, as well as the first time I will be leaving home and my friends, family, and him. Also, all around us, our friends are getting engaged and married and I know I’m a little jealous.
However, I know what’s right for them, isn’t right for me or for us. Also, going to grad school will be a good thing, for me and for us. Like some of you said, I’ll become more independent, meet more people, and I won’t be wrapped around him and his agenda (something I find myself doing now, and I know it’s not healthy). I need to do what’s right for me now. And, if we happen to get married down the road, going to grad school means potentially more earning potential, etc.