Boyfriend wants to get engaged, I'm unsure, need help

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

It sounds like you two are in VERY different places in your life. If you are unsure, DON’T marry him. I think because you have different goals, it might be in both of your best interests to break up and find people who want the same things.

Post # 4
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

two words: long engagement

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

You’ve said that he’s basically perfect, and your only concern is your age.

I think it’s worth talking to a therapist about! Your fear of divorce, and how you were brought up, and how your BF was brought up.

I always said I didn’t want to get married until I was 25, because my mother always said she got married too young. Then DH proposed when I was 22!

I was so excited, but SO freaked out. I talked it through with a therapist, and she really helped relax me! And my Mom was SO excited, and 100% supportive–it was like she’d forgotten all the things she said before we got engaged!

Post # 7
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why aren’t you ready? You say you don’t feel ready now, but the only real justifiable reason I can discern is your age. But you’re already living with him and have been with him for eight years almost…It’s not like he’s some guy you met off the street.

I think the real factor here is your fear of divorce. I don’t think age will fix that. 

Try imagining yourself two or three years from now with a stable job..would that make you feel ready? I’m leaning towards no here. 

I also think you need to work on your relationship with your parents. It sounds like even though you are an adult you still do a lot of things for their approval..that is worrisome.

Post # 8
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MrsTVLover:  +1!! you can get engaged now, but just wait a few years before the wedding. I think that’s a good compromise.

 

I understand about the parents divorce causing you concern. My parents are divorced and I think I’ll always have a bit of a fear of something like that happening to me, but you can’t let other peoples lives and mistakes affect your life and decisions.

Post # 9
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

@jmv2013:  I feel as if you really do want to spend forever with him but that this just came at you all too fast and you weren’t at all expecting him to propose. Perhaps, maybe he’s already asked your parents for your hand in marriage? Maybe you’d be surprised to see that maybe they are perfectly fine with it. Afterall, you have been with him for so long now and if they like him than I don’t see why they wouldn’t be anything else but happy for you. Also, you can get engaged and have a year and a half to two year engagement and sure by that time hopefully you have a job and aren’t financially dependent on your parents. You’ll be 25 then and that is a great age to get married. Good luck to you! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I get where you’re coming from. 23 is awfully young to get married, especially if you’re not finished with your education and can’t support yourself. And to top it off, your parents have advised you differently your whole life!

And he’s 25!! What is the rush on his end?? 

Anyway, I suggest a long engagement or telling him you don’t want to be married until you’re finished with school and extablished in your career. 

Post # 11
Member
8593 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you’re not ready….DO NOT GET MARRIED.  This is a very bad idea.  23 is still very young, I was nowhere near ready either so don’t feel bad if you aren’t.

I had an ex-boyfriend (my high school boyfriend) who was ready to propose at 20-21, it would have been a VERY big mistake to marry that young, before I was ready.

Can you set a timeline with him where you propose to have a long 2-3 year engagement?

Post # 12
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree that if you have doubts DO NOT GET MARRIED. However, I see nothing wrong with getting engaged and not starting to plan right away. You did say that your parents advocate for being fully self-sufficient, but what do YOU believe? If you think you should be fully self-sufficient prior to being married, well, then definitely wait (wait to get married). How do you feel about getting engaged but not starting to plan a wedding yet?

Post # 13
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@jmv2013:  I’d go into counseling with him, just so you can talk about these issues with a neutral third party.

You guys are young. And even though you’ve both been together for a long time, you’re just beginning your adult lives. I’d explain to him that you really want to make significant strides in your career before you get engaged — so that might be in a few years. Even then, you’d be 26 and he’d be 29. That’s the national average for your respective genders. Starting your career would give you a strong sense of accomplishment and independence, which are both things I believe are crucial for a successful marriage.

And maybe he does have concerns about moving for you or compromising his career for you. But those are exactly the kinds of issues you will have to face as a married couple, anyway, so it seems like this time is more about building a strong foundation for your marriage. If you’re committed to each other and want to build a future together, then it doesn’t matter if you’re technically engaged now or if you get engaged closer to the time of the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

I understand wanting to have an established career before getting married, but mostly because people tend to start families not long after marrying and it’s a lot harder to establish a career with little ones. what’s the reasoning behind the big push to be self-sufficient first? you already live together, do you plan to have separate finances after you marry? I think if being self sufficient is the only reason youre hesitating and the only reason you want to be self sufficient is because your dad told you it was important, you might want to revisit that thought process. If after revisiting that you still feel strongly about waiting maybe your boyfriend will just have to wait, or have a long engagement like PP’s suggested!

Post # 15
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t understand how getting married has anything to do with finding a job. Will you not be able to if you’re married? You can still be your own person in a marriage. It sounds like your boyfriend has made some very large sacrifices and I think you should acknowledge them. You’re playing it off like it is no big deal. I feel like after 8 years you should know if you want to marry him or not. What do YOU want? Not what your parents want.

 

As it sounds, he will be able to support you and take care of you. He is asking you to commit yourself to him in marriage. He isn’t asking you to throw away all of your plans and have 10 babies.

Post # 16
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

My (now) husband wasnt “ready” when I was either.

 

What led him to proposing was a converation he had with a friend who is equally as “logic-minded” as my husband.

 

Friend: do you love her?

Husband: well yes, I wouldnt be with her if I didnt

Friend: do you want to lose her?

Husband: no

Friend: well the way I see it is you’re eventually going to either break up or get married. If you dont want to lose her, get married.

 

and he proposed.

 

So the question is, do you love him? do you want to lose him? If you cant see yourself without him, accept his proposal and set a long term engagement like two years. I think you’ll find its not as scary as you think.

 

I also come from divorced parents (dad is on wife #4) but you have to believe that your parents mistakes are not your own. You and your boyfriend are a unit all by yourselves and your lives will be something completely different.

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