(Closed) Boyfriend wants to pick the ring…

posted 4 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
6365 posts
Bee Keeper

Traditionally that’s the way it works.

A lot of people on here wanted a lot of input into their rings and think it “should” be that way, but technically it’s a gift to you (conditional on accepting the proposal) and one does not dictate gifts. To say that we should dictate our gifts, otherwise the giver doesn’t really care about us, is silly.

If he doesn’t want you to provide input at this time or at all, I would not recommend butting in. You could always beat him to the punch and propose yourself, with a ring for him, but if this is his proposal, this is his gift.

You can buy rings as gifts for yourself any time, but this one’s from him.

Post # 4
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

My FI had me totally convinced he was going to pick my ring and give me no say. He was teasing me. When he was ready we went together, I picked the setting. Later, he went back alone, selected a center diamond and purchased the ring I love. I hope he’s teasing you too. If its not really going to be a surprise,email him pointers. Even if he pretends not to look at it I bet he does. No guy wants to spend that kind of money on something their girl won’t like.

Post # 5
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@AmourParfait:  here’s what I did and what I would do if I were you. My FI was the same way, and truly believed that the ring was not just a sparkly piece of jewelry, but a symbol of his love and commitment to me. He was adamant that the ring he picked out was going to be a representation of him and what he wanted to see on my finger. In his defense, the ring he proposed with is absolutely perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing. It IS more special, knowing that FI picked this exact ring specifically for me, for a reason. I was not allowed to have a huge say in it, but I did let him know things that I definitely did NOT want: yellow gold, and a marquis cut diamond. Other than that, he had complete control over the ring, and he still did an awesome job.

 

 

 

I would accept that your boyfriend feels this strongly about it, especially because at the end of the day, it is a gift that he buys for you, and he has the right to decide what it looks like. Since he loves you and wants you to be happy, I am sure he will respect any basic restrictions you give him. But don’t expect to or pressure him to let you hand pick the ring yourself. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband was the exact same way before he proposed. I thought it was sweet and trusted him to pick out something to my taste. He didn’t.

So my suggestion would be to explain to your boyfriend that although you love that he wants to pick it out himself, you need to give him an idea of what you like. It is such a bad, horrible feeling to not love the ring your fiance proposes with. You will want to avoid that at all costs, I promise.

That’s not to say my engagement ring isn’t special, because it is. I just think that some of the disappointment I felt in the beginning could have easily been avoided.

 

Post # 7
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s awesome that he wants to pick it out himself!  I think I’m one of the few who would have liked to be surprised…he insisted I go with him.  Turns out, he didn’t need my help because while visiting our second jewelry store he spotted the ring that he wanted to buy.  They pulled it out, I tried it on, and FI had his mind made up.  I tried on a lot of other rings to try to get some ideas of what I wanted, and all he would do is wrinkle up his nose and suggest the first one that he spotted.  We bought it that day and now I wouldn’t change anything about my ring.  What means the most to me is that, in the end, he DID pick it out.  I just wasn’t surprised when he actually proposed, lol.

 

It sounds like you’ve given him some pointers, and even if you think he wasn’t listening…he was, gauranteed!  I say go with the flow, and I’m sure that he’s pick our something that’s fabulous!

Post # 8
Hostess
3005 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I had to convince FI to let me have a say in the ring. I knew he would not get something I liked. He is very similar to your guy, super old fashioned and thought it would ruin the surprise feeling of a proposal. I told him I HAD to have a say in it cause ultimately I will be wearing it every single day of my life. We have different tastes, He is a solitaire type guy and I am not a solitaire type girl.  I convinced him to go ring shopping and the sales people wrote down what I liked so that when the time actually came he didn’t mess it up Wink

 

Post # 9
Member
3221 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@AmourParfait:  What a sticky situation. I concur that your BF’s point of view is both special, yet old-fashioned. An engagement ring is a very significant purchase, and I can’t imagine not being a part of such a purchase. Can you come up with a tactful way of communicating your parameters for an e-ring? Even sending an email, telling him that you trust he will choose the perfect ring for you, and that you think it is very special that he’d like to put so much thought into the ring, but here are some characteristics you absolutely would NOT want (ie – yellow gold). 

 

Post # 10
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My Fiance was so against me giving him any pointers…and hes the type of man who doesnt know a thing about diamonds or my jewelry style. 

I was really frustrated because I had fallen in love with a ring and knew it was the one I wanted for probably 2 years. I really felt like the ring should represent my personality and our relationship together and something that I would love to see on my hand every day!

But not only would he take no hints from me, he wouldnt take any from my sister, friends or mom. lol…very stubborn. 

So i just left information about engagement rings in a folder on my desk. I left a few pages hanging out just enough that he would notice but it didnt look like i did it on purpose. I know..sneaky haha.

I had diamond information from blue nile about what to look for when buying diamonds. (I didn’t care what type of diamond he could afford or where he got it – i just didnt want him to get taken advantage of at a jewelry store). And I left pictures of the ring and similar ones in the same folder. 

He of course ended up seeing the folder and was really excited he got to “do it all on his own” but have help pointing him in the right direction.

Of course, he never knew i did it on purpose, but he has since said he is so thankful for all my research. In the end he actually only proposed with the diamond because he said he wanted me to pick out the setting because he realized the diamond was more important to him and the setting was more important to me. 

Anyhow, of course just try and talk to him more and tell him how important to you. If all else fails…try just leaving pictures around “randomly.” 😉

Your fiance’s thought process is so cute and was similar to my fiance’s. But I know mine has admitted that his original thought was a yellow gold, square diamond…which I would have been horrified by haha. Now i have his beautiful sparkly diamond and my white gold floral halo setting. 🙂  

 

Post # 11
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

That is a dangerous situation, and I think he’s deliberately setting himself (and you) up for unnecessary angst.

My FI designed and purchased a ring for me without my knowledge. It’s a small blue sapphire. He proposed with it (and I do genuinely love it, by the way) and then told me we were going shopping for the diamond ring together. He wanted my input since I’ll be wearing it forever. I think I got the best of both worlds–a surprise engagement ring that he chose by himself AND the one that neither of us would have picked out at first but both fell in love with when I tried it on. Perhaps see if he’s more willing to go that route?

A friend of ours proposed using his mother’s engagement ring and subsequently took his now wife shopping so they could pick her permanent one out together. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would’ve been happy with SO picking out a surprise ring (with a few guidelines: platinum, no princess cut), but then he wanted to get a non-diamond center stone to get a unique pop of color. I got on board and we decided to go with a purple sapphire. BUT, there’s so much variation in color of stones so he wanted me to help pick the exact stone so I would love the color. He let me pick out the setting as well, but I had him look at them with me and made sure he liked it too. SO said he doesn’t want to spend $$$$ on a ring unless he knows I love it. He has a good history of picking out jewelry, but he was worried that this would be the one time he totally bombed lol.

I think as long as he’s okay with hearing some guidelines: ie metal type or what sort of stone, that should be fine. At the very least, he should hear you out on what you don’t want!

Post # 13
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I picked out my own ring (not knowingly) and I kind of wish I would have just let him do his own thing. I knew he wanted to spend A LOT more than he should have so I was showing him things that were in a price range I was comfortable with and I ended up falling in love with one of them. It’s the ring I got – and I still love it! – I just wish I would have let him do it on his own :l We’ve talked about upgrading it in the future (he still wants to spend more on me) and if we do I’ll let him be in control. I think it’s cute to see what a guy finds fitting for his girl. I find it really romantic too 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2963 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FH picked my ring – his proposal was a complete surprise. Luckily, he noticed that I like white gold and simplicity so the ring he chose was perfect!

I am glad he didn’t ask me about the ring – I would have told him to skip it completely as I already have two diamond rings I never wear.

Post # 15
Member
3736 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AmourParfait:  Know that if you really cannot bring yourself to enjoy the ring, you can return it.

Post # 16
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@AmourParfait:  Here’s the thing, you love him. You trust him. You will be fine. One of three things will happen– he will pick a ring you love because he knows you and your taste; he will pick a ring that isn’t perfect, but you learn to love because he picked it; or he will randomly, out of the blue, ask you questions about what you like. My FI was like your BF. Then at 3am when I was trying to sleep, he sprung the what kind of ring do you want question. Guess who was restless the rest of the night and who finally got a solid night sleep? That happend to more than one of my friends as well. 

Don’t stress– I only know one person in real life who hates her e-ring. She loves that her husband bought it for her, but he listneed to literally what she said (multi-stone ring in a white gold band, when she meant a halo ring, he interpreted it as a 3 stone). She wears it about half time and loves the thought.

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