boyfriend who won't commit – an age-old story

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014



Meh…..He doesn’t sound that great to me! 




I think you deserve better than this and it kind of saddens me that you are putting up with this. At 30 he should have a job……nothing in two years is inexcusable. 




If a man wants something he will go after it!


 My fiance is one of the kindest, caring and hardworking idividuals that I know. He tries to give me everything I want and treats me like a queen. One of the things I respect most about him is his work ethic. Our goals align. 




Post # 4
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

why can  he not be a waiter or something while he gets something better?

Post # 5
91 posts
Worker bee

Maybe I’m biased because I know a few men that have a problem getting/keeping a job. And usually what happens is that wanting to avoid their issues, they become addicted to video games, porn, TV, or whatever, while the woman does all the work in and outside the home till one day she can’t take it anymore.

Take your time to think if he’s really all you want in a man and if you could live with him the way he is now, forever. Or if you’re better off being single.

If he does get a job I imagine he’ll need time to get his finances in order and build up his savings before thinking of marriage. Take it slow.


Post # 6
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House

@jessdoxy:  All of this. +++


@tigerlily88:  You can’t set a timeline on breaking up. You’ll be happier if you just do it. Ultimatums are no fun, and it sounds like you are a caring, loving person who will make someone deserving very happy.

Post # 7
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@tigerlily88:  I can relate to this on some level; only because I was in a relationship quite similar. I was with a man who was afraid to commit due to major anxiety issues and just general lack of self-esteem. He had a job but he pretty much hated it to the point that it made him physically ill. We went through the same crap of not commiting even though I was ready whenever he was and just… well quite similar things with you actually. We were together 2 years just like you, and he bought a house and out of nowhere he asked me one day if the house he bought would be a place I would want to move into and raise a family with him; well I took this as an indication that this was the next step. 6 months after he said this, and then fought me on moving forward, we broke up.

If he’s not ready, he’s not ready and sadly, it sounds like he’s not ready. I promise you this- even if he’s wonderful and treats you like a queen you will NOT be happy without the promise of a future with him. Thats the point of relationships after all; to move forward and forge a life together. You are the only one that can make this decision but you deserve more than that.

Post # 8
8483 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If he is the same age as you….at 30 you should know whether or not you want to marry someone by 2 years.  If he doesn’t know, you should move on IMO.  The right man will KNOW he wants to marry you. At 20-25 I can understand a man not being ready and maybe wanting to take more time.  But 30?  No.

He hasn’t had any income in 2 years?  Would you be okay with this situation for the rest of your life?

You said he’s everything you ever wanted in a man…but I don’t see anything in your explanation that justifies that.  What are the good qualities?

Post # 9
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hmm….honestly I don’t think I would stick around if he had no sort of determination or motivation to get a job. One of my criterias in a guy is he needs to have a job and if he doesn’t then he better find a way to do something either school or work there will be no sitting around the house. FH at one point in our relationship wasn’t working at all due to an accident but he pushed himself to get better so he can start working again and he put all of his focus on getting a job because he knew that was important to me and finally he did get a job this past April. A man at his age honestly should know what he wants especially if that involves spending the rest of their life with someone after being with them for 2 years and honestly if things are like this now I don’t see how they will get any better unless he does something with his life

Post # 10
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@tigerlily88:  Has he ever gone to therapy? I realize he doesn’t have health insurance if he doesn’t have a job but the clock is ticking. He can’t spend his whole life doing nothing. He’s going to regret it. 


HOWEVER: He is not your problem. As horrible as it sounds, as unimaginable as it is, he sounds like he is not mature enough to meet you at your level. And he is leaving you hanging until January 2014? Wtf? Is he in middle school of something? If this was my guy, it might take me a month or two to work it up and figure it out, but I would have to let him go if he didn’t get it together. You have given him so many chances. 

Post # 11
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

He’s everything you’ve ever wanted….except….he doesn’t have a job, won’t commit to ANYTHING, won’t move in, won’t see you during the week, doesn’t know if he wants to marry you and tells you to check in next year?  I’m sorry to be blunt but why the hell are you with him?

Have you always wanted someone who can’t provide for himself, let alone you or a family? Someone who isn’t sure about how much they love you after you put up with this shit for 2 years?  Someone who won’t move in with you and doesn’t want to see you during the week when they don’t have anything else to do anyhow?  I somehow doubt that’s everything you’ve dreamed of.

Please respect yourself and reread your post a few more times.  There’s not one positive thing in there. My DH respects me, loves me, and would do anything for me.  If he needed to have 3 jobs to keep our family afloat, he would do it.  He would bus tables and pick up trash or work at McDonald’s if that’s what it took.  We’re no where near needing any of these things, but I know with all my heart that he would do it, for me, for my daughter and for US.  Realize that there are men out there who are more of everything you want, and less of everything you should run from.

If he has serious anxiety issues etc, he should be up off his ass and to a Dr asap, not wasting 2 more years of your life while you wait for him to wake the fk up.  He’s 30 years old for god’s sake, not 18.

Post # 12
989 posts
Busy bee

@tigerlily88:  hmmm, he reminds me of an ex. His motivation was 0. If he got sick of a job, he’d just quit. Eventually he’d get another job, then quit when he got sick of that. It also didn’t help that he was a chronic pot smoker (which he lied about). Thankfully, we never lived together or I would have been supporting his ass.

My SO is on leave without pay for one job (he works 2 part time jobs, one physical, the other not) due to a problem with his knee. They won’t allow him back until the knee is fixed. He is desperate to go back to work – he misses his job and his workmates. I am with him half the week, and at my house for the rest – yet he manages the limited money he makes. It is not his call to not be back at his other job. Some people are out of work because they choose to be, others don’t have that option – you just have to decide which category your boyfriend fits in to.

Your boyfriend may have issues with panic attacks – but is he actively seeking help for that? 2 years is a very long time to be out of work, and it is going to be really hard to find employment – regardless, he should be looking, for something – ANYTHING. 

It is strange that you only see him on weekends – what does he do to fill his weekdays?

And if you’ve never sat down and talked about what you expect and when, his excuse to try breaking up with you before Christmas seems like a total cop out. If someone tries to break up with you, it doesn’t matter what the excuse is – the bottom line is that he wants to break up. I once got the whole ‘you deserve better’ BS. 

I don’t mean to sound blunt or anything, I just think you can do better for yourself. Your boyfriend doesn’t even know what he wants, his weeks of solitude are clearly not helping him sort anything out. You may wait forever for him to morph into someone who is a perfect mate for you (and while people can change, their character/values usually don’t). If he can’t get his act together, can’t get a job, you’ll never get to do the things you want to do – like move in together, get married etc.

Post # 13
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I wouldn’t stick around either, you deaerve so much more!!  I agree you need to re-read your post a few times, I don’t see a wonderful thing about him!

Post # 14
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t know why you should have to wait around until January 2014 to see if he has decided whether he wants to marry you or not. If he won’t commit to you, then you don’t need to commit to him. Maybe take this as an opportunity to see what else is out there. I’d be straight and just say ‘if/when you’re ready to commit, you know my number’. He doesn’t sound like a catch to me, but that’s only from your description here. I’m sure there are a lot of good things about him too. I just don’t think it’s right for any woman to sit around waiting for a guy to decide if he wants to marry her (which is different from waiting for a man who knows he wants to marry her but just hasn’t proposed yet). After 2 years, he should know. 

Post # 15
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would never want to live with somebody who has no job. My FI has 2 jobs, & even though I tell him to quit one anytime he wants he continues to do both.

Post # 16
6194 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Unemployment issues aside, I wouldn’t want to deal with someone who has that many issues. If at 30 he’s got so many problems that he can’t deal with getting rejected after an interview, they aren’t going away. It’s just up to him to learn how to manage them.

I can understand “needing to figure himself out” but it is going to take him a lot longer than a few months to be at the level where he can decide to get married. I wouldn’t want to sit around waiting for that. It might even be hindering his progress. Do you even know what he does during the week?

Also, if my friends and family were split on whether I should start with someone or not, that would be enough for me to try to look for someone better. 

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