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Hey everyone,
My boyfriend's brother is newly engaged (few days before Christmas) and he and his fiance have already decided on a destination wedding in Myrtle Beach, SC. I'm a Waitingbee, but I figured I would post this here since it's more relative to destination. Anyway, y boyfriend and I really just can't afford the trip. We're barely making ends meet as it is (I should mention we live together). I'm in graduate school and make about $200 a week, and he makes roughly $500 a week. He has student loans to pay for on top of our regular expenses. Granted, we could plan a budget and save up some money for the trip, but I know at least half of it will have to be put on credit cards. My boyfriend will also need a new vehicle soon because his is falling apart, and we're also trying to save for a big trip next winter in which we would have to buy a lot of equpiment (showshoes aren't cheap!). And his parents (which are the groom's parents to clarify) aren't exactly doing well either, and they also have to pay for his younger brother's expenses. If you couldn't tell by my username, we're from Michigan. Myrtle Beach is a 13 hour drive from where we live. We could fly, but that would cost about $150 more per person than driving (but then you have to take into consideration all the miles you're putting on your vehicle). Plus the hotel room (not exactly sure which one), meals, clothing (my boyfriend is in the wedding), wedding gift, and other activities. My boyfriend brings up the great point that we could just make it a mini-vacation for ourselves, which we absolutely deserve, but we just don't have the funds. I really would love to go, especially if we turned it into a vacation for us, but I'm really worried about our financial situation. Another thing that is kind of troublesome is that my boyfriend was expecting to be his brother's best man because they're really close, and well, they're brothers.. but he hasn't been asked yet, which I find a little odd since they know who will be in the rest of the wedding party. I'm just a little disheartened by the whole thing. Any advice?
My advice would be to have your boyfriend tell his brother all of this (minus the "when are you going to make me your best man?" part). If they are really that close, his brother should understand. Maybe he can even help you think of a solution.
His brother is only going to get married once and if your boyfriend misses it he will regret it. Find a way to get there. In the grand scheme of things years from now you are going to have great memories of the trip and will not matter as much how much it had cost you at the time
@MichiganGirl24: Can his parents or your parents help you out? I would first ask them. His parents should understand. Or what about his brother? Can he help out?
Personally, I'd do whatever I have to do to make it to my brother's wedding. My brother just got married 2 weeks ago. They moved the wedding up & we only had 3 weeks to plan to get there. It was the week before Christmas and out of state for me. It was difficult and I had to make cuts but I made it because it's his big day & I'd hope that he would do whatever he could to make it to my wedding.
I say start planning on being there- maybe post-pone your trip that you're planning??
When is the wedding? Can you put $$ aside until then? I think this is for your boyfriend to make the call on regardless of his or your financial situation.
I agree with nycbrde2011!! Find a way to do it, he can't miss his brothers wedding! Do you live in the same city as some other people going? Can you guys hitch a ride with someone else?
That happened to my FI and his best friend from when he was 2 or 3. He couldn't go to the wedding and tried and tried to save, but couldn't swing it. He was devestated and tried to explain to his BFF that he couldn't make it because of finances. The BFF was MAD and they haven't talked since.
I think what a lot of people don't think about when they are planning destination weddings is that some people cannot afford to go. I'd have your BF explain everything to your brother. Maybe there is a way for a family member to "loan" the money, or maybe your BF's brother can help with the expenses. Beyond that, there isn't much you can do.
"we're also trying to save for a big trip next winter in which we would have to buy a lot of equpiment (showshoes aren't cheap!)."
I think this is a very telling quote. If it comes down to choosing between the brother's wedding and this trip, it seems clear to me that you should choose the wedding. Sometimes saving for big purchases/trips means sacrificing in other areas. Unfortunately we can't always have it all!
That is a great idea! I had to go to a friends wedding once that was a 7 hour drive and a whole bunch of us car pooled that helped with money for sure!
@All In: I agree 100%.
Your bf's brother's wedding is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event. A snowshoeing trip isn't necessarily and can be postponed (or re-worked) if necessary.
I think you should do whatever you can to be there. Postpone your trip, have BF get a temporary second job. Whatever needs to be done. It is 13 hour away, not on the other side of the world-it should be doable to save enough for this trip.
In all reality, I think saving for our own trip will be much less expensive than going to their wedding. Plus we've been planning it for months, but couldn't go this year due to money problems. I'm not in anyway saying that I don't think my boyfriend should go to his brother's wedding, but I am considering not going. And I know my boyfriend would be devastated if I didn't. My dad is on the verge of bankruptcy, my boyfriends parents pinch pennies every week and barely could afford Christmas presents this year. Meanwhile, her family has nothing but money. I think just the way they've gone about the whole thing has me a little urked.
It just sounds like you do not want to go at all. So let him go on his own.
@MichiganGirl24: I don't think that having a DW is selfish. Go if you can, don't if you can't. But I will say this: imagine how it's going to look when you don't go to his wedding and turn around and go on a vacation that includes snowshoes a few months/year afterward.
You said you dont' know what the hotel situation is yet - well maybe you could split a room with another couple or two, or find some other inexpensive option. I think you really need to reconsider where your dollars are being allocated and put your vacation on hold and go to this wedding.
I agree it sounds like you don't want to go, I saw you had posted a previous thread about not liking his fiance and you being jealous they were engaged, do you think that's part of the reason you are not wanting to go? If this is important to your boyfriend I would make an effort to be supportive, and like nycbrde2011 said if you really don't want to go at least make it possible for him to go.
I think you should be supportive of your boyfriend, but if you are going to be upset the whole time then I would stay home. If his parents are having money problems maybe he can ride with them and they can take turns driving and share a hotel room.
Like PPs said, it's his brother's wedding. If he doesn't go he will regret it. Find a way to save the extra pennies so that your boyfriend can go. If it means delaying your own vacation one more year then so be it. You can go next year on your winter getaway but his brother is only getting married this one time.
I think he should probably ask his parents if he can stay with them, and just save up a bit for the airfare. Obviously his parents will want him to be there and will likely help him out. My brother had a DW when my sister was unemployed and completley broke - the solution was she stayed in the hotel room with my parents, and pitched in 200 bucks towards the airfare, so it was no big deal.
You have every right to not go and it sounds like you don't want to anyway, so this is really his issue to deal with.
Look at www.vrbo.com to rent a house that you, your boyfriend, his parents and younger brother could share. It would be less expensive than a hotel and you could also save by not going out for all meals.
Your boyfriend only gets one shot at being there for his brother's wedding. Although I am sure that you both deserve the vacation you are planning after so many years of school, you could choose to postpone that trip to support your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend definitely has to go, and if you are planning to be a part of his family in the near future than you should make every effort to go as well. And if that means postponing your vacation another year or two, so be it... Money is tight now but in all likelihood your financial situation will improve significantly in a few short years, given that you are in grad school & he is recently graduated. I realize its hard to see that now, but if you make a decision to miss your the wedding based on your current finances, you'll probably regret it down the road.
Talk to his parents, bring up the wedding and say something like "Oh I would love to go if I wasn't a student, it's too bad it's a DW" This will let them know you can't afford it and then discuss with them how they can help you by letting you carpool and share hotel rooms if they insist that you must go. If you can't get any assistance, don't sweat it- you're a student.
I had to miss one of my bridesmaid's wedding last year because it was in Florida and I couldn't afford a hotel room. I was finishing up my bachelors and had no extra $$.
I'm obviously of a different opinion than most here, but I'm not sure why the OP and her BF have to sacrifice a trip they have been responsibly planning and saving for in order to participate in a DW that was another person's choice. In my opinion, suggesting that a person must go to a DW and not on their own trip is just flat out telling others how to spend their money. Would you say the same if the OP and her BF were saving to replace a roof on their home? This is the chance that I know we all know we take when planning a DW. People do have limited budgets for many, many reasons and some people will just simply not be able to afford to go. Or, frankly, not want to spend their money in such a way.
OP, I certainly understand how hard this decision is, including having to publicly state that you can't afford something that others can. But please don't beat yourself up over it. The couple getting married made their choice and you have to make yours.
This one is tough because that's his brother.
FI and I are doing a wedding at Niagara and all our bridesmaids and groomsmen are coming from Indiana/Illionis/and Washington DC.
We went into the planning with stating that we understand some people won't be able to afford it, and we wouldn't be angry if they couldn't come. We have stuck by that.
But, with that being said, all of my FI's siblings have made lots of sacrifices to be there for us on our special day. They are all part of the wedding party, and FI and I are so incredibly excited that they are making the strides to be there for us. It means a lot.
I understand money is tight for you guys, but there are plenty of ways to cost save. I wouldn't start dismissing the wedding without doing proper research. You don't have to stay at the hotel the couple recommends... You can stay a little farther out and maybe catch a deal-or name your own price on Priceline.
In all honesty, I would put off that big trip next winter. If you miss your SO's brother's wedding so you can afford the save up for that trip, it may end up irking your SO and that won't be good for your relationship... not to mention the family may take it as a slap in the face. Whatever money you have set aside for that trip should now become the "Bro's wedding fund". Whether or not you want it to, the family event will always come before your fun couple adventures.
I think it would be good to sit down and discuss the bro's wedding with your SO... not focusing on the financial or transportation aspects... find out how he really feels about it from an emotional aspect. He should take the lead on this decision. If he WANTS to be there, then you should do whatever you need to do in order to support his decision. That's part of love, life, and marriage (though you are still a waiting bee.. better get used to it now!).
I'm in the minority with you. I would never sacrifice my own vacation to go to someone else's destination wedding. Your boyfriends brother and his fiancée need to understand that THEY chose a destination wedding, which is pretty inconvenient for most guests, therefore there will be people that just can't make it.
@Nikelo: I see and respect your point here... but I do want to bring up something in response (not to be disrespectful to your view).
I could understand your mode of thinking with this situation had it just been a friend getting married. Maybe a cousin.
The problem with this is that this is her SO's brother's wedding... and yes, you may not think that it's a big deal if they choose not to go so they can save for their trip, but that decision may have more fall-out than you would think.
If all sorts of other friends and family members make it, they are going to be talking about why his brother didn't show up. That can cause resentment and talk in the family, and the blame gets placed where people want it to.
I'm not saying this will happen, because it's likely they went into choosing a DW knowing that some people may not make it. I am sure they would understand finances and all.
But saying "We can't make the trip because of finances" and then turning around and doing some winter vacation together is a little harsh. I mean, they must be pretty close if they were anticipating her SO being asked to be the best man, right?
There are times for self-thought and doing things that you want. Missing your SO's brother's wedding to do one of those things probably won't fly well.
Of course, we are all speculating because we don't know the nature of their family relationships.
If it is at all possible, I think both of you should go. Figure out whether you can save up enough cash for the trip so one or both of you can go without turning to credit cards. Consider whether there other relatives you could carpool or stay with. If you can afford it, you should go, it is his brother's wedding after all. It is an option for just your BF to go, but I think that would look very bad to his family and I wouldn't recommend it.
If you really, truly cannot afford to go, don't. Have your BF explain to his brother that you both love and support him, but can't afford the trip. My DH's sister is getting married in India next month and there was absolutely no way that we could afford to go. It stinks and there was a lot of disappoint all around about it, but sometimes you just don't have it.
@Jd64848704: I do completely understand your point too. I don't think these sorts of situations are easy for ANYONE involved in it and it being close family makes it even harder. I know that the bride and groom planning the DW aren't saying that anyone has to pick their DW over any other, and I'm sure they'd be upset to hear about what a struggle it is for the OP.
But, if the situation does end up causing resentment within the family, I think it's unfair that blame is soley placed on the OP and her BF. Ultimlately, the bride and groom chose to have a DW and the decisions that people make are because of that fact. Wouldn't you also ask the bride and groom to have some self-reflection and ask if their DW is more important than the financial health of family?
I guess this is the bottom line that still bothers me - why is it selfish for the OP and her BF (or any DW guest) to choose to not spend their money on attending a DW, but it's not at all selfish for a couple to choose to have a DW and expect their nearest and dearest to come? For the record, I'm certainly not saying having a DW wedding is selfish, I'm just talking about the idea of virtually requiring people to attend one, which is what I feel like is happening to the OP here.
@Nikelo: I agree... DW wedding decisions aren't easy! I know we had a hard time with it at first because we (actually, the blame on this one mostly falls on my shoulders) hated the thought of some of our closest friends and family missing the ceremony.
After a little adjusting time, I definitely feel better about the decision and am happy we will be having a small intimate ceremony with our nearest and dearest. With that being said, FI and I would never tell anyone that our wedding needed to be put first in their lives. I actually had 2 bridesmaids drop out.. one because of finances and the other because she has a new boyfriend and, well, just lost interest. I am not angry about either. I truly can say I understand. I wanted them there, yes absoultely. I am sad they won't be there because I didn't envision exchanging vows without them by my side. BUT- the world doesn't revolve around us and our nuptuals. :)
As I said, a lot of reaction depends on their family dynamic. I mean, the two girls that dropped out of mine weren't family either. Just close friends. Who knows what his parents will say? They may actually offer to assist in some way, which hopefully would help. Or they may just be angry that they would be considering NOT going, especially if the parents know about their trip they are saving for. That could cause some unwanted rifts between OP and his fam.
I don't think anyone should try to force their wedding upon anyone, family or not. But I do think that OP should sit down with her SO and have a heart-to-heart. She needs to see how he feels about missing being there for his bro on his big day. It's only a day that comes once (hopefully!). Vacations for the two of them can be done any time and they have plenty of time to plan for those. They won't be able to re-enact the nuptuals, they won't photoshop her SO into the photo albums, and the regret may hit later.
It would absolutely be unfair if the negative feelings were focused on OP and her SO because of not going. But that's life... it's unfair in lots of ways! And if they don't show up for the nuptuals, but send postcards to the family that attended and the happy couple of the two of them snow-shoeing through mountains saying "Wish you were Here" months later... it's not too nice of a thought. I know I would be hurt if my sibling said "I can't make it for your wedding because money is tight", but then turned around and bought snow outing gear and took a vacay with their SO that they saved up for. Not saying I would shun them, but it's not something I would be happy about or soon forget (if ever).
His feelings should be highly regarded in this situation. If there is anything I have learned by being in a relationship which will turn into a marriage in less than three months, it's that working together is key. Taking each others' feelings and wants into consideration is essential. If OP gives him the talk that she will do whatever necessary to make her SO's wants happen when it comes to his bro's wedding, then it will only help him to respect, love, and trust her more.
Whatever the OP and her SO decide, it needs to be made together and with his feelings put first, as it is his brother. :)
@MichiganGirl24: your bf should be honest with his bro and their parents about the financial situation. maybe they can chip in or help out with rooming?
something else is consider who else is going, maybe you can share a room and split with friends.
sign up for travel alerts with travelocity and expedia, etc. also go ahead and consider driving and think of it as your mini vaca.
your bf HAS to go, that's his brother. however, it's your choice...
I have a hard time with destination weddings as well. On one hand your boyfriends brother and fiancée by choosing adestination wedding have made it clear that they're choosing the location over the convenience of their guests. We attended my husbands sisters Wedding in Hawaii last year and it was definitely a little hard to swallow when she'd talk about how much money it was saving them. (I've posted about the dw drama a few times). Especially hard because we got married the year before and scrimped and cut things out I really wanted and dIy'd my little heart out and theN were expected to spend more than the cost of our weddi g to ATTEND hers?! So I agree that if you aren't able to entertain their whims of having a destination wedding they need to just understand that. Only you guys can decide if you'll regret missing it.
@MichiganGirl24: I feel for you. I'm also a waiting bee and my cousin (as close as a sister) is waiting now but expects to get engaged in a month or two and have a destination wedding in 6 months in Mexico (~$3500 each!). We can't afford that and a ring for me and our wedding planning! Ahgh sorry, I don't have much advise but I share your frustration!
Further I sometimes feel like the same people who would be calling "bridezila" on someone who required a bridal party to buy a $300 dress or $100 updos have no issue with destination weddings. I don't really see how it's any different In that both are expecting others to pay out for things that aren't strictly necessary
@MichiganGirl24: I feel for you. I'm also a waiting bee and my cousin (as close as a sister) is waiting now but expects to get engaged in a month or two and have a destination wedding in 6 months in Mexico (~$3500 each!). We can't afford that and a ring for me and our wedding planning! Ahgh sorry, I don't have much advise but I share your frustration!
I understand the difficulty of the situation, but you do have to recognize how important the wedding will be. It's clear from your posts that you aren't interested in going or making the effort to even try to go. How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your sister's boyfriend basically said "No, I want to go on a different vacation instead of seeing your wedding." Because that's what's going on. If my sister/her husband did that to me, I'd be horrified and disgusted.
There are tons of options. Myrtle Beach isn't in a foreign country, and it doesn't even require you to take a plane. If you don't want to put the miles on your car, get a cheap rental car (I got a Budget rental car for a week for like $100 recently). There are going to be plenty of cheap hotels. You can go grocery shopping and pack food, get a cooler filled with coldcuts and bring your own bread if you don't want to eat out every meal. Re-wear a dress you already have, and maybe talk to the brother about the wedding gift. Explain the financial hardship and how much you want to be there, but that you can't afford a big gift. Offer to help out with events leading up to the wedding to take some of their stress off, make a scrapbook with the photos for them after the event, do something to show you do really care. Don't write off the entire wedding because you think it's going to be so expensive without doing the research of thinking it through.
Traveling for any wedding can be super expensive! we just went to a wedding in FL and after doing the math - well lets say i shouldnt have added it up, it was a lot - luckily we paid for it over the course of a couple months so i didnt really notice the money spent (until i added it all up) plane tickets one month, hotel another, tux (DH was in the wedding), gift, car rental, gas, food (though between rehearsal dinner, wedding and luncheons we didnt have to buy much food) but it adds up quickly!
Given that...I understand your reluctance to go BUT i would try and make every effort to go, its family! start putting money aside, or buy things ahead of time so you dont have to do it all at once. See if you could possibly find someone else who wants to share a hotel room - check frequently for sales on flights or rent a car so you dont have to put miles on yours - figure out where they are staying and check out priceline.com to get a more affordable place nearby (i love their name your own price option - i've used it a lot including our hotel and rental car for the FL wedding we went to) there are tons of things here and there you can do to try and cut costs.
As far as your SO's brother not asking him - wait it out - he just got engaged not too long ago - my husband didnt ask his groomsmen until 4 months to the wedding! guys...
I'm kind of in the minority here....but if you choose to have a DW, you have to expect that not everyone (including close family) can make it. I personally don't think the OP and her BF should have to make huge sacrifices in their daily lives to save up for an event that is not their choice. Regardless of the fact that they were planning on their own trip down the road. If it's that important to the brother, they should have either asked close family before deciding to see who thought they could/couldn't make it, or offer to offset some of the cost.
I do think that you should try within reason to go, but putting yourself into debt or barely getting by is no way to go. If you were saying you were going into debt for your own wedding, we'd all be yelling at you that that's crazy - so I think it's crazy to go into debt for someone else's wedding too.
@SapphireSun: I kind of agree with you there. I mean, someone is being a bridezilla if they make you buy $300 shoes for their wedding, but if they have a wedding far away that requires thousands of dollars, you should actually cancel your own plans for later in the year just to afford going? It does seem odd that the later is perfectly acceptable.
That said, I think that since it's her SO's brother and their wedding is not *that* far and could probably be done fairly inexpensively (Carpool? Share a hotel room? I think there are lots of options) that they should try their best to make it work... it sucks, but it is his brother's wedding.
I don't think they have to go into debt to go at all. i think the reason so many say to go is
1. It is brother not some cousin's sister's friend
2. It is close by and there seem like there are many options to make this do able-carpooling, getting a cheap hotel. This isn't a destination wedding thousands of miles away, it is a 12 hour car drive. Worst comes to worst one drives to the weding, enjoy the wedding, and the other drives back.
3. If the OP choses to spend their money on a vacation, supplies for the vacation (why can't they rent or borrow snowshoes?) it will probably cause conflict in their family and that is not a good tone to have in a relationship when they aren't engaged yet.
There are definately ways of doing this very cheaply. Although it may not be the most comfortable situation. For example:
1. Try to take only one car for groom's parent's you and your boyfriend, and anyone else who may fit.
2. Plan it only for a few days that way you guys are not burning your money by staying a week over there even though the time will be stretched.
3. Book only one inexpensive hotel room maybe not right on Myrtle Beach and pack it with as many people as you can 5-6 even if people are using sleeping bags.
If you choose to do it this way you can definately cut some costs, however like I said it may not be the most comfortable solution. If you all really want to be at the wedding you may just have to compromise. We traveled a lot like this when we were kids. It's cheap and gets you where u need to go. Sometimes you just gotta make sacrfices. BTW we are not hobo rednecks or anything it just seemed to work out ok for my family, and aunts, cousins when we were younger.
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