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Wow, sounds like someone I used to date. Scary... I think the best thing you can do is support her. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go, but please, try not to push her away. She is going to need you two when this whole thing falls apart. I've made horrible relationship decisions in the past and I am so thankful that my family and friends didn't abandon me just because I was in an abusive situation and didn't t know how to leave. They stayed and supported me and they eventually did intervene. Believe me, if you care about her, be there for her because this thing will someday implode and she will need you. If it gets bad enough, stage an intervention and you can always call the cops...
I agree. You have to support her to the best of your ability. She's going to do this with or without you so try not to alienate her.
Good luck.
I think you should voice your fears to her in a neutral non confrontational way. Tell her you hope she will choose to walk away from him and get help, and you support her all the way. I understand she's not your blood, but you and your FI should talk to her about this. She may get angry at first, but hopefully she will come around.
Oh boy, have I been going about this wrong...
I want, so badly, to support her in either choice she makes, I do. I have such a hard time supporting a marriage that is going to end in disaster. I know from experience what it is like to have an abusive father (toward my mother, not myself), and I am so scared for her. It isn't a life I would choose for anyone, and I really have been thinking hard about how to go about this.
My boyfriend is much, much closer to her than I am. I have only met her a handful of times. I do, however, care about her very much. She and I aren't close in the least bit, but I would like to talk to her about this.
How would you all suggest I go about proposing sitting down and talking to her? I'm lost as to what to do. If only my boyfriend's mother hadn't told everyone and their dog how I felt about this before I could even talk to the bride...
P.S. Thank you for all of your input, I really appreciate it.
i honestly think that your cousin should be the one talking to her. i have experienced this before as well and honestly i didn't get out of the relationship until i was ready to. if you'd like to brooch the subject, it may be best to just tell her she can come over with the baby any time she wants to and the two of you can hang out and do wedding stuff. and perhaps you can tell her about your dad and mom and the two of you can open up. i personally wouldn't take it very well if someone i barely knew came to me to talk to me about a very very intimate situation that i found really embarrassing.
A couple of weeks ago I found out that one of my cousins (whom I don't know that I have seen since I was a very small child) was killed by her abusive husband...in front of her two children. She had stayed with him because she was fearful. So sad and heart-breaking. It will be a touchy subject, but it really needs to be addressed because once people are inside that box they can't see what's happening to them. Good luck-you have all of our support.
If you can't talk to her because of circumstances or the nature of your relationship, please do stay close to her. I grew up in an abusive household and the worst thing is to feel like you have nobody to turn to when you want to leave. I was very lucky in having a teacher I could go to when I left home as a fifteen year old, but for a long time I felt like there was nobody I could talk to or ask for help.
If she does marry him and even if she doesn't, she will definitely need your love and support. Abusive relationships can leave women very helpless and if she has a child, she may feel even more dependent on this man for food, shelter, and clothing. You don't know if he is controlling her finances. You do know that he is monitoring her communication with the outside world. Please help her and don't leave her alone. Stay in contact as much as you can. It may be easier for you than for your boyfriend because you're female he may view you as less of a threat.
Thank you all for your input, I really do appreciate it.
All of you have said to stay in close contact with her and remain her friend. I would love to follow this advice, however she no longer views either of us as friends. Because my boyfriend's family is full of gossipers (and I, shame on me, forgot to keep my mouth shut...), word has travelled about the way we feel about her FI. She has removed us from facebook, won't return our calls, and has told my boyfriend that she "won't be at our wedding if we ever get married." It's been blown way out of hand.
I do agree that being someone she can turn to for support is important. I have lost that opportunity by voicing my concern. She's outraged at the both of us, mostly my boyfriend, because she was told we refuse to come to the wedding. There have been a lot of things skewed in the process of playing "telephone", but she won't listen to what we have to say.
I suppose all I can do is wait and see if her anger simmers before the wedding. It's coming up in the first week of September, and our invitation's have been revoked, but there is just a slight possibility that she'll at least start talking to us.
Yikes... well it sounds as though she has made up her mind. Have other family members voiced similar concerns to her? Has she cut them out as well? She's making a horrible decision and probably knows it and is now putting her defenses up. I'm sorry for her and for you and your bf. Hang in there!
No one else has voiced their concerns TO HER, but they sure have amungst themselves. It's so aggravating knowing that even her mother is opposed to the marriage but won't say anything to her. Get this, the FI has even told her mother that she's a terrible grandmother because she spoils the little boy! He's even verbally attacked the mother! The gall of this guy amazes me, to be completely honest.
I suppose I understand that they're trying to support her desicion, whether they agree with it or not, but their silence is only going to hurt her, IMHO.
There have been a couple of previous threads about similar situations that might be helpful; I can't track them all down, but this one might link to some good resources:
I know she has made up her mind but as long as you try to communicate to her that you and your FI are there for her she will come around eventually. She is probably soul searching at this point or will be when the wedding gets closer.
She really needs out of that relationship but she also needs people by her side. That is one thing my FMIL did not have when she was married to my FFIL. She needed her family and friends to be there to protect her and she had noone to turn to. So she stayed in the relationship for 23 years for her sons and was too afraid to leave. This woman is forever emotionally scarred and it hurts to see her this way. It is even more troubling to here the stories my FI has said about what he has seen and heard and the physical abuse he has endured. My thoughts on this relationship though is that the 2 year old is probably around when it happens and I hope to God that he isn't being abused as well.
Just don't give up on her. She needs you whether she likes it or not.
amysue, Thank you so very much for the link. So, so much.
Also, I'll be trying my hardest, personally, to try to restore our friendship. I may not be going to the wedding, but she should still know that I love her very much and she can count on me if she needs anything. I apprecaite everyone's input.
Speaking from personal experience, when someone cuts you out of his or her life and is in a dangerous position, just keep being there, even when you are yelled at or told to stay away. In my case, I kept sending birthday cards, Christmas presents, sending up beat emails in a chatty light tone and listened without comment whenever he was willing to discuss anything about his situation.
Just an update:
We still haven't talked to her, but I did send her a message on facebook letting her know that I do love her and hope that when things settle down we can chat. I haven't gotten a response, but I'm sure she read it (she gets on that web site about as often as I check Weddingbee, lol).
I'm hoping for the best. Her bridal shower is this weekend, so I suppose we'll see what kind of gossip goes on...unfortunatly. :-\
Thanks for all of your advice.
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Hello hive! I'm a newbee and have a very serious question to ask of you (I do appologize for the length!).
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years (not engaged) and his family is just as much my family to me and as mine is to him. His cousin, who he is close with, is getting married the first week of September to a man who is verbally and physically abusive to her. She has a two year old little boy from another man, who, as far as I know, hasn't witnessed the abuse.
A few weeks ago my boyfriend's cousin called and invited he and I to go out to the bar with her and her FI. Unfortunately we didn't get the call until the next morning. My boyfriend listened to the voicemail and immediately after hers was an angry message from her FI demanding to know who my boyfriend was and how he knew his soon-to-be wife, though I excluded a bit of name calling and cuss words, obviously.
My boyfriend called his cousin immediately asking about the angry message left on his phone and she told him that her FI had gotten drunk and angry. They had gone back to her apartment when he started throwing her around and breaking all of her things (wedding related items, household items, etc). She also told my boyfriend that the wedding was off.
Two days later, her FI appologized and the wedding is back on.
Throughout all of this, there have been invitations sent to me for showers and parties. I had expressed my concern to my boyfriend's mother before RSVPing and she, unfortunately, told just about everyone she knows.
My boyfriend has tried to contact his cousin to talk to her about the situation, but she refuses to return his calls.
We have discussed for hours upon hours what we, as two people that know about the situation, should do about this. We both have decided not to attend the wedding, as I personally am not going to support this marriage, and later found that my boyfriend will not either. Because of this, feelings have been hurt and there is a rift in my boyfriend and his cousin's relationship.
I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I have the right to voice my opinion in the matter, or if I should keep my mouth shut. Should I try to contact her on my own accord? I'm really at a loss. I would greatly appreciate any advice or stories of your own. Thanks so much.