(Closed) Boyfriend’s cousins abusive FI.

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, sounds like someone I used to date. Scary… I think the best thing you can do is support her. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to go, but please, try not to push her away. She is going to need you two when this whole thing falls apart. I’ve made horrible relationship decisions in the past and I am so thankful that my family and friends didn’t abandon me just because I was in an abusive situation and didn’t t know how to leave. They stayed and supported me and they eventually did intervene. Believe me, if you care about her, be there for her because this thing will someday implode and she will need you. If it gets bad enough, stage an intervention and you can always call the cops…

Post # 4
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree. You have to support her to the best of your ability. She’s going to do this with or without you so try not to alienate her.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think you should voice your fears to her in a neutral non confrontational way.  Tell her you hope she will choose to walk away from him and get help, and you support her all the way. I understand she’s not your blood, but you and your FI should talk to her about this.  She may get angry at first, but hopefully she will come around. 

Post # 7
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

i honestly think that your cousin should be the one talking to her.  i have experienced this before as well and honestly i didn’t get out of the relationship until i was ready to. if you’d like to brooch the subject, it may be best to just tell her she can come over with the baby any time she wants to and the two of you can hang out and do wedding stuff.  and perhaps you can tell her about your dad and mom and the two of you can open up.  i personally wouldn’t take it very well if someone i barely knew came to me to talk to me about a very very intimate situation that i found really embarrassing.

Post # 8
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

A couple of weeks ago I found out that one of my cousins (whom I don’t know that I have seen since I was a very small child) was killed by her abusive husband…in front of her two children.  She had stayed with him because she was fearful.  So sad and heart-breaking.  It will be a touchy subject, but it really needs to be addressed because once people are inside that box they can’t see what’s happening to them.  Good luck-you have all of our support.

Post # 9
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you can’t talk to her because of circumstances or the nature of your relationship, please do stay close to her. I grew up in an abusive household and the worst thing is to feel like you have nobody to turn to when you want to leave. I was very lucky in having a teacher I could go to when I left home as a fifteen year old, but for a long time I felt like there was nobody I could talk to or ask for help. 

If she does marry him and even if she doesn’t, she will definitely need your love and support. Abusive relationships can leave women very helpless and if she has a child, she may feel even more dependent on this man for food, shelter, and clothing. You don’t know if he is controlling her finances. You do know that he is monitoring her communication with the outside world. Please help her and don’t leave her alone. Stay in contact as much as you can. It may be easier for you than for your boyfriend because you’re female he may view you as less of a threat. 

Post # 11
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Yikes… well it sounds as though she has made up her mind. Have other family members voiced similar concerns to her? Has she cut them out as well? She’s making a horrible decision and probably knows it and is now putting her defenses up. I’m sorry for her and for you and your bf. Hang in there!

Post # 14
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I know she has made up her mind but as long as you try to communicate to her that you and your FI are there for her she will come around eventually. She is probably soul searching at this point or will be when the wedding gets closer.

She really needs out of that relationship but she also needs people by her side. That is one thing my FMIL did not have when she was married to my FFIL. She needed her family and friends to be there to protect her and she had noone to turn to. So she stayed in the relationship for 23 years for her sons and was too afraid to leave. This woman is forever emotionally scarred and it hurts to see her this way. It is even more troubling to here the stories my FI has said about what he has seen and heard and the physical abuse he has endured. My thoughts on this relationship though is that the 2 year old is probably around when it happens and I hope to God that he isn’t being abused as well.

Just don’t give up on her. She needs you whether she likes it or not.

 

Post # 16
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Speaking from personal experience, when someone cuts you out of his or her life and is in a dangerous position, just keep being there, even when you are yelled at or told to stay away. In my case, I kept sending birthday cards, Christmas presents, sending up beat emails in a chatty light tone and listened without comment whenever he was willing to discuss anything about his situation. 

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