Post # 1
Sorry but this may be a long post. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We are both in our thirties. Everything moved very quickly as we moved in together very quickly. His mom came to visit about a year after we met. She did not like me, basically stating that I’m not good enough for her son. Mother and boyfriend have a very strong relationship. They talk multiple times daily. His mom was giving him a monthly allowance too. Mother is basically alone, her husband died 10 years ago and I think boyfriend and mother have developed co-dependent relationship. Anyway, visit went badly as she claims I treated her badly. Boyfriend did stand up for me, but any time I was upset over his mother we’d argue and he always shut down. His mom stayed for 7 weeks. Visit was unplanned and whenever I asked when she was leaving it would be I dont know and I don’t feel well. After she left, boyfriend and I rarely talked about it, but I knew he’d never ask me to marry him until his mom gave blessing and came back. Boyfriend also said he didn’t want to marry until he was happier in his job and debt free. Important to know he was engaged 5 years ago and his fiancé called it off. Fast forward. His mom finally came back. She’s been here a week and has plans to leave in near two weeks. But who knows. So far visit is okay, but I can’t shake away the feeling that I don’t know if I want to marry him. I wonder how it’d be when we have children and dealing with his mom. I don’t like how his mom treats others and I just don’t like how I feel when she’s around. I know I cant change him and I know he’ll always have same relationship with his mom. I just want to feel happy and be okay with it. Every day of this visit I think I want to leave him. His mmom just seems over bearing and I can’t communicate my feelings to bf during visits with his mom as whatever I say he just gets upset and shuts down. I guess I also am a bit scared that now that his mom is here we may get engaged at some point and I really want to be excited about it. Bottom line is that I do love him and I do enjoy spending time with him. i just dislike his mom and wonder that why at his age he’s been so hesitant to move forward. Maybe he’s worried of how his mom would feel? Anyway, sorry for the choppy sentences. His mom is here now and im super emotional. Help!!
Post # 3
@melissab79: I swear I have dated the guy you’re dating. That’s why we broke up–his psychotic mother! I couldn’t live with her, and he couldn’t live with less of her.
Post # 4
I’m sorry, but he’s the one ruining your relationship, not his mother. He can’t have two wives and he needs to decide if he’s willing to have a mother and a wife, or just a mother who he treats like a wife. He’s in his 30’s… it’s not her fault anymore.
Post # 5
On an unannounced visist…SHE STAYED FOR 7 WEEKS AND HE WOULDNT EVEN TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT!?!?!?! Sorry for caps but holy wow! Your gut feeling is right. Listen to it!!
Post # 6
@melissab79: that would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
Post # 7
@melissab79: Who shows up somewhere unannouced then stays for 7 weeks???? I’m sorry but he should have put his foot down. I’m all for family visits but 7 weeks is basically a part time roomate. I’m very big on family but it sounds as no one will ever be good enough for her son and he allows her to be this way. He should stand by you a little more and have her give you a chance. What if she never gives him the blessing to marry you?? Are you always just going to be the live in GF who comes 2nd in your relationship next to his mom? Follow your gut & your heart… don’t settle & if the engagement does come, don’t say YES unless you are 100% happy.
Post # 8
You’re already experiencing some major doubt here, and sadly you’re completely right about him and their relationship. She’s always going to be the way she is, and he is always going to respond the way that he does now. Do you think you can be happy with him knowing that you will always be second to his mother? I don’t know him like you do and can obviously be pretty wrong, but it seems like you have the same exact fear. Life’s too short to be stuck in a terrible reationship like that.
My ExH’s mom is a passive-aggressive, controlling, overbearing woman. She loved to play mind games with me and was verbally/emotionally manipulative. At some point, she began to openly mock me and my beliefs. Whenever I became upset, ExH told me that I just needed to grow thicker skin and stop being so sensitive. He ignored it whenever she acted out in front of him. While her behavior was horrible, the real problem was his inability to stand up for me and take my side. It was one of the reasons I left.
Post # 9
I think you really got to think long and hard, Mommy’s boy is going to be always putting his mother ahead of you or any other girl. Imagine what she is going to be like when you both have kids, she will try to dictate on how to raise YOUR own kids. I have read enough mother in law stories on various sites were women are not happy about their in-laws.
You are lucky you are are only just dating, there is no ties and I think you need to think long and hard do you want to be in this position of second fiddle for your SO for the rest of your life?
At the end of the day it is up to you if you want to stay with him.
Post # 10
This man is in his 30’s and he takes a monthly allowance from his mother?? Say no more, OP, run away. The mother may be a psycho, but the buck stops with your boyfriend. If he hasn’t chosen you over his mother by now, he never will. Dump the Mama’s Boy and move on, you won’t regret it.
Post # 11
Hell’s teeth! He’s in his 30s and still attached to the apron strings? And to such an unpleasant set of apron strings too!
I hate to say this but things wouldn’t improve if you marry. However, I truly doubt that she’s ever going to let anyone marry her Precious Baby. So I’d be cutting my losses here. As a pp has said, it isn’t his mother that is ruining your relationship, he’s doing a fine job himself.
I’m the mother of two grown up sons. I love them dearly but it has never occurred to me to interfere in their relationships and had I done so, they would have been quick to put me in my place. Likewise, the idea of turning up, unannounced and staying 7 weeks would be ludicrous.
Post # 12
His mom is his number one priority, and always will be. You will never be his number one. Sorry, but this is the truth. Decide whether or not you can live with being number two to a momma’s boy. Once she dies, you’ll become his mother. I would leave ASAP.