Post # 1
so this past March my boyfriend proposed. I originally said yes, then 2 days later said no. We are still together, working on our relationship… Mainly I just wanted to be more comfortable and have some more solidity in our relationship before I decide to commit my life to him. Anyways, before we were in engaged, I was very close with his sister. We would go shopping often, go out together… I would really have considered her a close friend.
Well ever since the engagement event his sister has obviously hated me. We never talked about what had happened between my boyfriend and I (I see it as a pretty private thing and I don’t think everyone needs to know every little detail about our relationship). But even at family gatherings now she doesn’t even say hello. I will literally say “hi how are you” to her and she acts as if she doesn’t hear me. Ill text her to see what she’s up to, no response. I put some pictures up on my boyfriends Instagram of myself and some friends, probably 5-8 pics, and she liked the one photo that I wasn’t in. For a dinner with his family I was sitting directly across from her and she said one sentence to me the whole night. She even came to my birthday party at our house and didn’t say a single thing after I said hi to her! So it’s pretty obvious she hates me. I’ve been torn up about this for some time now because one I feel as if I’ve lost a good friend. even just writing this now I have tears in my eyes over it.
The second part that is really bothersome to me is that my boyfriend chooses to ignore this. I’ve asked him multiple times if they have ever had a discussion about me and he always says no, but I find that hard to believe.
My family is close, but we rarely get together. My brother, parents, and I all get together maybe 6-7 times/year. My boyfriends family all get together probably every 2-3 weeks if not more. I am getting so uncomfortable with the situation now that I try and miss the events. It’s very important to me to have a good relationship with her before our relationship goes any further.
I guess I’m looking for advice as to what to do. I really cant imagine spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend knowing that his sister can’t stand me, but I love him so much and I don’t want to have her hinder our lives. What should I do?!
Edit: she is 24
Post # 3
How old is his sister? She is acting very childish. I know it upsets you, but I would stop putting the effort into reaching out to her when she acts that way. I would also talk about your feelings with your boyfriend and let him know that you care about his sister and want things to work out, but if she can’t respect you enough to say hello to you in your own home together that it’s making you upset and it’s too uncomfortable for you to want to have situations like that. If she’s coming to a party for YOU and can’t be bothered to talk to you, she shouldn’t be there. But make it clear it’s her actions that are changing this, and that if she is willing to put in the effort to be cordial (not necessarily friends) that you will do the same but not if you continue to receive less than that.
Post # 4
@orchidblooms: thanks for the advice. My BF gets upset when I tell him I’m not coming to family events, but maybe if I explain to him why he will start to understand. I’m afraid he will think I’m trying to turn him against his sister though. I don’t want to cause any drama between them.
Post # 5
@Lalalanelson: Whoah! I agree with your bf. You SHOULD go to family events, regardless of the sister’s behaviour.
I also find it odd that marrying your bf is conditional on having a good relationship with his sister. Sorry but lots of in-law relationships are strained.
So long as she ignores you (as opposed to verbally abuses you, in which case your bf should take your side) I don’t see why you can’t just carry on.
Post # 6
@paula1248: there isn’t any conditions, I guess just in an ideal world we would be able to get along. I’m mainly just looking for advice on how to help my relationship with her. I understand this is a pretty unique situation.
Post # 7
@Lalalanelson: I am wondering too how old is she, because as PP said she’s acting rather childish… That being said, I know it must be heartbreaking and upsetting that she’s not talking to you, but you’ve done what you could to “make amends” with her… HOWEVER I do think that even if this is her brother, it’s none of her business what goes on between the two of you, so she needs no explanation, apology, etc. Talk with your FI about this, stop looking for her if she doesn’t get back to you; begging her to “forgive” you will make it OK (in her eyes) for her to intrude in your lives (SO’s and yours).
Sorry if this is too harsh, but I can’t stand when people feel like they have the right to butt in other people’s lives… I really hope that she eventually comes to her senses because otherwise, eventually, if your SO is a true keeper and your FH, he’ll have to “pick sides”, and he’ll pick yours.
Post # 8
She doesn’t hate you. She’s hurt.
So to back this up, I have a kinda funny relationship with my future sister in law, and when I read this I think of similar situations where something happened for one of us, but found out about it from our SOs, or worse, through our mutual FMIL. For me personnally, I have felt hurt when this happened. Like the other person doesn’t care enough to let you know…
I don’t know you and your FSIL, but it’s likely that you two just need to sit down and talk about what happened. I’ve done this with my FSIL a few too many times, but it sets a standard that we are frieds, but my SO comes first. She can be hurt and be mad, but until we talk about why she is hurt (and why you didn’t feel the need to broadcast your relationship to his entire family), she will likely be more understanding. It will take time to rebuild, but it is worth trying.
Post # 9
Next time you see her in person, confront her about it and tell her how you feel. Tell her, “I’ve noticed you’ve been pretty much ignoring me and not speaking to me and it hurts and I miss you. I would really like it if we could talk about it.”
You could also text that to her and add, “Please let me know if you can do coffee on Saturday afternoon,” but texting is easier to ignore.
Post # 10
I didn’t mean by my comment not to go to their events…but what do mean is I personally wouldn’t invite her to her an event at your home for you if she’s going to be that rude. If his fam has an event though, I would say go and be cordial. Some situations aren’t easily avoided, but going to someone’s birthday party when you can’t even say hi is ridiculously rude to me and I do think something like that should be addressed by your bf because that really is her just being mean.
Post # 11
@Lalalanelson: Do attend family events, stand your ground; as long as she ignores you only, you will be OK, plus you’ll kind of say to others “This is not my issue, it’s hers”
Post # 12
So you haven’t discussed with your boyfriend how she is treating you?
Perhaps he and his sister SHOULD have a conversation about you- so that he can explain to his sister that your relationship is fine and that there are no ill feelings between the two of you, and explain to her that there is no need to hate you.
Post # 13
@Lalalanelson: I’d like to add something else, when she’s done being hurt, upset, do welcome her back in your life. I read my post and it looks so harsh; I didn’t mean to cut her out of your life, just keep your relationship details between your SO and yourself exclusively
Post # 14
I think you have to let her hate you until she gets over it herself. Don’t give her a reason to not like you, be good to your SO and his family.
Sorry, but I would totally put my brother before my brother’s girlfriend. And yes, that means freezing you out because I would be on his side even if he thinks the situation is okay. Sure she’s not acting mature, but you probably broke her brother’s heart, and you are still with him even though you couldn’t commit to marriage with him. How is she supposed to feel? Every time she sees you is probably a reminder of that rejection. You did what was right for you, and I think that was a good decision. However the sister isn’t seeing it that way and is just seeing that her brother is good enough for you to date, but not marry (even if this isn’t true and you’re just not ready).
Your SO COULD try to tell his sister to back down and at least be polite to you, but I think this is between you and her and there’s not much he can do to influence her actions. Your relationship with SO is completely different from the one with his sister. Don’t ruin your relationship with SO just because the one with the sister is sour. Let her come around on her own, even if it takes awhile.
Post # 15
Please bear with my long story I promise it has a point. I can from a family that is very close, my big brother has always been there for me and we are very close. When my now husband and I had been dating for 5 months he broke up with me but prior to that said some really hurtful things he now deeply regrets having ever said… I am closeto my brother so yes I told him what was said but what I didn’t anticipate was his reaction, my husband and I got back together and dated for another 8 months before he proposed, but my brother refused to let go of what he had said. My brother “hated” him for having hurt me. Got to the point where one night when my parents were away he kicked my then fiance out of the house.
I naturally told my brother he had to apologise (which he didn’t do – my brother shows apologies seldom says them) and made it clear that my then fiance wasn’t going anywhere that I loved him and that I’d let go of the fights and wanted him to as well. My brother refused, he was down right horrible to my husband at times, every time I would tell him off and remind him my fiance was around to stay. My brother doesn’t give people who hurt him or a family member second chances very often and I knew that it was taking a toll of my fiance. I spoke to him about it and his response was he understood why my brother was upset, that he wished he could change it but that he loved me and would take it because he knew that my brother was upset because he hurt me. It took time but my brother and husband get on really well now, it took until the wedding for my brother to realise that I was serious about him always been around and it took my fiance staying around and proving he wasn’t going to hurt me again for him to get a second chance from my brother.
I’m not saying that what your fsil or what my brother did was right but chances are she’s mad you hurt her brother, especially if they are a clse family. The best thing you can do is be nice and keep going to family events, show her that you love her brother and she’ll probably just let go of it.
Post # 16
My sister went through some rough patches in her marriage, to the point where she was thinking about leaving her husband and was ready to go. The two are now working things through. During the difficult times my sister shared things with me that put her husband in a slightly bad light, not to be malicious against him but just to explain what was happening. A lot of it I knew or suspected anyway so it didn’t really come as a surprise. Now, after I heard it, I could have easily turned against him and refused to be nice to him but I didn’t. Why? Because at the end of the day it was between him and my sister – I will always take her side but that doesn’t mean I can’t be civil to her husband. Especially now they are working things out, I need to show that I support her decision and that means being civil to her husband. They don’t live near us so we don’t see them very often.
I think this is your boyfriend’s sister’s problem…but it is up to your boyfriend to talk to her about it. The two of you won’t clear the air unless he knows what’s going on. I don’t mean you should turn him against her, but he needs to know you feel uncomfortable.