Post # 1
This is my first post and I dont really know who to talk to about this. I’m hoping that someone might have some experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed last year and have been going to therapy. If anyone does have BPD you will know that its hard to keep relationships, we tend to fly off the handle over very silly things that a “normal” person wouldnt get mad over, among over things and stress brings out a lot of my crazy emotions.
So my real issue is: my fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years and he told me last night that he has been seeing a lot of red flags coming up for the last year but didnt want to say anything becaus ehe didnt want it to turn into a fight. I asked him why he asked me to marry him and he said he thought things would get better, then said he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me and enjoys my company, but i feel sick to my stomach that its been bugging him for a year and he hadnt said anything until now. I feel stupid, I am confused because when I asked him what I can do he said he didnt know. He also said that my schedule has been brutal and we are on opposite schedules so he feels like he has a roommate and not a fiance. Also, my mom is an alcoholic with her own psychological issues that she refuses to get help for and my dad said to him(over a year ago) that I’m just like my mother and he’s worried about that but he woudlnt elaborate on why (although I understand).
I have really low self esteem and tend to get overly worked up when relationships dont go the way I think they should. I have also been trying to change my thought processes to be more positive but i project a lot of my insecurities onto him without even thinking about it. Stress from work and planning the wedding and family is adding up in a negative way.
Mainly I just feel stupid and embarrassed. I dont want to marry someone that is seeing red flags a year before we get married, and i dont want him to just marry me because he’s in too deep. Has anyone been in this type of situation before?? Any advice??
Post # 3
I don’t have much advice, but I have a family member with BPD who isn’t a fraction as self-aware as you are. You said you’re in therapy (which is awesome), so is there any way to bring him into some of the sessions to discuss this? When my relative was first diagnosed and in therapy, it was really helpful for immediate family members to participate in some sessions to work on their relationships and find the best ways to handle the rough spots and avoid triggers for certain behaviors.
Post # 4
I too think that it is wonderful that you are so aware of everything. My only advice would be to bring it up in one of your therapy sessions. Maybe your therapist would have some solutions for you. And like the other pp said..maybe see about bringing your SO with you to one of the sessions..that might help bring some insight to him too. Good luck
Post # 5
I don’t have BPD or know anyone with BPD, but I have major anxiety/borderline OCD issues and I can definitely relate to getting worked up/stressed out over things that a “normal” person would think absolutely nothing of.
I think MrsToB had a great idea when she mentioned bringing him along to your therapy sessions. Not only will it give him a better perspective at what you are dealing with, but your therapist can probably also help him out with some ideas on how to cope with your disorder.
The main thing is that you should never, ever, feel stupid or embarrassed. It is not your fault, and you obviously try really hard to work past your symptoms. It is not something that is wrong with you, it is just a part of you. And if your Fiance is going to marry you, it is something that he is going to have to accept and get used to. The fact that he has stuck around when he’s been having issues with it for so long, I think, is a sign that he isn’t going to give up on you because of it. The fact that it’s a little more out in the open now is a good thing, and I think with time you two will be able to get past it and figure out a routine that works for you both.
With the wedding planning, my own issues have multiplied with the stress. Fiance has seen a side of me that he has only had glimpses at before..lol. So it’s important to try not to stress too much. Making lists and trying to focus on ONE thing at a time really helps my brain cope with all of it. Since your Fiance mentioned that your schedules are bothering him, maybe you could designate one night a week or even every couple weeks as a date night? Or a whole date day?
I hope things get better soon, good luck to you!!
Post # 6
I’m a psych nurse, so I’m reading your post from a pretty different perspective. While yes, you do seem pretty self aware, there is one phrase that you threw out there that caught my attention:
“I project a lot of my insecurities onto him”
What do you mean by projecting your insecurities? When you feel ugly/stupid/worthless, do you assume he thinks you’re ugly/stupid/worthless and require constant reassurance? Do you assume at all times that you aren’t good enough for him? When he makes a mistake, do you feel betrayed?
I’m not saying any of those things are necessarily true. But in my experience, borderlines tend to not recognize that other people might feel and think things differently than you do. I definitely 2nd the idea of taking him to therapy, because as someone with a borderline personality, you are always going to have to work harder to communicate with your SO and he needs to know how to do that too.
Post # 7
I myself do not have BPD, but I dated someone who was. It was, honestly, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. He, however, was not self-aware at ALL and was extremely destructive, to himself and me.
Anyway, I’m VERY glad to see that you’re in therapy. As far as your marriage, I would advise you to go to counseling together. I would continue your sessions alone, as well. In couples counseling, you can deal with communication and dealing with the “red flags” that he is seeing and hasn’t been talking about. That way, if he is concerned about upsetting you or fighting about it, you will at least be in a “safe” environment with someone to guide you two through the process.
I wish you guys all the best of luck! Just keep communication open!!!
Post # 8
Wow, thank you for all of your feedback. I’m in the process of getting a therapist that specializes in BPD as my other therapist just told me I’m perfectly normal, I worry too much and sent me on my way. My SO is not opposed to seeking counselling so I think that’s the best option. We havent talked anything through and have just had a few days to cool off. I’ll keep you posted as to what happens when we do sit down to figure things out. Thank you so much, I appreciate all of your support so much!
Post # 9
I wish you all the best. Truly.
Post # 10
***UPDATE***So we had our chat. He said he has been unhappy for a year and he doesnt know whats going to change thats going to make him happy. He kept saying he doesnt want to change me. I suggested therapy and he said we could try it. it seems as though he has already emotionally checked out and that this is over. He also said the guys at his work are all divorced and he asked them when they knew it wasnt going to work, they all said before the wedding. So i dont know if I should just say lets cut our losses and break up or wait it out. I dont know I dont get it. I’m not seeing much hope from him that we can turn this around but I feel like Im going to crumble if we break up. And I’m so embarrassed if we end up calling off the wedding. Arg. Time will tell I guess.
Post # 12
Sorry to hear, I hope you’re alright.
ETA: Seriously, better now than later. BPD would make you literally insane during a divorce. I was misdiagnosed for 3 years with it, until they finally diagnosed me with severe GAD. For me, it was a matter of medication that COMPLETELY changed my behaviour and abolished tthe BPD symptoms.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2009 - Mountain Meadow/Mansion
**Huge hugs***. I don’t want to offer any advice, but I do want to say that I am sorry and am sending warm thoughts your way.
Post # 14
@boomer77: I’m so sorry to hear that your finace ended things. I hope you are able to find a therapist that specializes is BPD. See if you can find someone who does dialectical behavior therapy – it’s been shown to be very helpful in managing BPD symptoms. Best of luck.
Post # 15
Boomer, I’m really sorry to hear this. *hugs*
Post # 16
(((Boomer)))- My heart goes out to you. How are you doing? Do you have close friends or family available to talk with you and support you during this time?