(Closed) Brain vs heart? Military spouses.

posted 6 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think the biggest red flag here is that he’s putting his family’s wants ahead of yours. I don’t know the exact situation, but I wouldn’t plan my life around someone who didn’t take into account my feelings when making a major life decision

Post # 4
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@msfahrenheit:  I agree. He needs to make decisions for himself and you, not to please his parents. That seems to be moot point now though. I think it would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is 1) making a huge committmenet to something that their heart is not in and that will affect you as well 2) is not strong enough to tell his parents what he wants from life and then make those choices.

My FI did Air Force ROTC on his own free will. He loves the military (most of the time haha) and i support him 100%. He was already an officer by the time I met him, so my situation is a bit different then yours. Maybe take some time to focus on yourself right now. Are you in school as well? Work towards your own dreams and career goals and see what happens.

 

Post # 5
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I agree with the PPs.  He needs to develop enough strength to stand up to his family on his own, aside from you.  I will say, I think the military can really help with that, though.  DH has become a lot more outspoken and willing to stand up for himself since being in, but that’s just been my experience.  But, he needs to recognize that’s something to work on by himself.

Aside from all that, it IS possible to fulfill your own goals and dreams while being a military spouse.  It may be a bit more tricky, and a little harder from time to time, but it is possible.  A lot really depends on what exactly you want to do.  You don’t always have to choose between him and your career.

I think the hard thing with the military is that you’re SO locked in.  It’s not like a civilian job where you usually can give a few weeks notice and you’re done.  You feel sort of stuck, and I think that’s the scary part.  

The other thing to think about is, yes, he may not like it, but he’s now committed.  Whether or not he should have stood up to his family or not joined or whatever is a moot point now. He’s committed and even if he hates it, he’s obligated.  So, to me, whether or not HE likes it shouldn’t be what makes you stay or go.  You need to decide if YOU want this lifestyle.  He doesn’t have a choice.  You do.  So, don’t worry too much about how you would stay if he loved it and was all about it.  Think about what you want.  Him?  A degree?  A particular job?  What do you want the most?

Post # 6
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee

@subbywife11: I could not agree more.

The fact that he should have stood up to his family before he did something he didn’t wnat to do is besides the point. The real question is wether or not you want to stay with him through his schooling and his military experience.

I will say this, much like PPs, my DH is in the military, and I also have my own educational and career goals. It is not impossible to make your paths merge, there are many programs in place to help military spouses go to school. It isn’t always easy, but it is possible. If you love this man and you want to be with him for the rest of your life then I think it is possible to meet your own goals while you are meeting his, you don’t have to just sit and wait around for him. But on the other hand if you think your priorities are more important than being with him then it is time to move on. Just my personal opinion.

Post # 7
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

I had to make this decision early in my FI and I’s relationship. His family planned for him to go into the military, and we had a long talk early in our relationship where I said I couldn’t handle or support that and didn’t want that life for myself. He ended up choosing me and giving up his life plan and a $100,000 scholarship to the Royal Military College. We’re happy now and he has no regrets. I wish you the best and hope you both are able to discover what you truly want for your future.

Post # 8
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I personally cannot get over the fact that he made a decision that RISKS HIS LIFE to PLEASE HIS FAMILY.

If he doesn’t value his own flesh & blood over his family’s opinion of himself, he’s not likely to value much else over it, is he?

That said…I firmly believe that if you guys REALLY love each other, you can withstand anything. And he doesn’t have to re-enlist. So if he grows a pair by then (maybe his experiences in the military will help with that?), hopefully he can stand up to his family.

Definitely talk with him, though.

Post # 9
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@globalmargaret:  I agree very much with what you said about you not having to sit around and wait for him.  Heck no!  Not for today’s modern woman… military wife or not. 😉

I think a lot of people have this notion that military wives don’t get to have a career or a life outside of their husband’s job.  You definitely can accomplish your goals and dreams while being with a military man.  

Again, a LOT depends on what you want to do and what he will be doing.  If you want to work at a specific company in a specific city, well, then it might not work so well.  But, if you want to pursue a degree or go into a particular field, you will find you have lots of options.

For a lot of military families, it’s not just one or the other.  I think that was more true a generation or two ago, but nowadays it’s very common for military wives to own their own businesses, have a career, telecommute, and so forth.  You can also work for the government on base or in some capacity, then be transferred when he gets new orders.  There are so many options.  They may not fit you, but maybe look into what you want and what he is looking at doing to see if your goals and dreams will be able to line up.

Post # 10
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

First of all Congrats to him for getting into West Point.  Thats wonderful!

Second,  being an Army wife is not like the TV show.  And what its like is what you make it.  My fiance and I do not Live Army.  We make friends outside of Army life.  I get a job off post.  We don’t live on post.  I live my life the same I would marrying a man who was not in the Army.  But I do have to move, I do have to put him first, I have dealt with 2 15 month deployments and 1 12 1/2 month deployment.  This is a great opportunity for him and wheather he made the choice or got sucked into it, he’s now a part of it, and will have to serve out his time.   Be supportive but you don’t have to give up your life, just need to be a little more flexible.  Or at least that is how I look at it.

Post # 11
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have a question.  your wedding date is a year away.  They don’t let cadets marry.  And you said this dictates 8 years.  Please clarify?  Its not adding up

Post # 12
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I am speaking as someone who met their FI in the territorial army, and who seriously considered joining full time (FI was not keen, due to the fact I would be moved all around the UK for different postings… actual deployment abroad was less of an issue). That said, my advice is not based on my army time…

You say you do not want to plan around him, especially as he does not want to be in the army. So don’t. Set a wedding date years and years in advance, and decide where YOU want to be and what YOU want to do. Set down your own roots whilst achieving your personal dreams, and let him work around you to an extent. Chances are, he will realise how tough it is to work around you in an LDR, and will want to try and leave the army ASAP, whilst his parents will realise that they are in the wrong for forcing him to enter the army.

The thing is, from his point of view then he is making an easy choice. This is his choice:

1. If I choose not to join the army, my parents will be angry and there will be hell to pay.

2. If I choose to join the army, OH will be slightly cheesed off, but will basically give up what she really wants and follow me.

What an easy choice for him! You want to make the choice look something like this:

1. If I choose not to join the army, my parents will be angry and there will be hell to pay.

2. If I choose to join the army, OH will be slightly cheesed off, but will support me. However, I will have to be in an LDR and will hardly see her, as she cannot move around much due to school/work commitments. That will be tough!

Just focus on yourself, choose your number one desire for what you want to achieve with your life, work towards that, and then try and make everything else work around it. If it’s meant to be, it will work. If not, not. Don’t think that this is selfish… too many women give up what they want and dream of for a man. I’ve seen it happen before. If your relationship can work around what he does/doesn’t want, then it can work around what you do/don’t want as well… that’s what partnership is about!

So just pick what you want to do… explain to him that this is your dream, and go for it! If he loves you, he will support you… Then, in a year or two, reassess. Simpler than you think… (especially as I assume that you are both still young and have no need to worry about your biological clock just yet!)

Post # 13
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am not a military spouse and really have very little experience with the military so I can’t offer much there, sorry.

I did want to say though that if your SO is at West Point (which is impressive!) that means that he must have made that decision when he was 18 or so. I think that while there are many, many mature and responsible 18 year olds, it’s still a pretty young age. He was probably living with and dependent on his family at the time of his decision. (Of course I don’t know any of this for sure, maybe OP can clarify), I just think that making a decision heavily influenced by your family and not your SO is MUCH different at 18 than at 25 or 30. I think maybe we should cut the guy a little slack – he’s in it now, but that doesn’t mean he won’t grow and mature and be perfectly capable of putting the OP before his family in all future things.

The topic ‘Brain vs heart? Military spouses.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors