Post # 1
I’ve been lurking for a while and finally decided to join. Basically, I have a scenario that I need opinions on:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Things started pretty quickly for us. We knew we were “meant to be” after about a month of dating. At about 3 months, we started talking about moving in together. During the waiting-to-move period, my boyfriend mentioned that after we moved in together and were sure that we could live with each other, he wasn’t going to wait long to propose to me. I got laid off last summer which pushed our plans to move back a bit. We signed a lease in February and moved in in March. Around the time that we moved in, we were driving past a church that I love. I mentioned that I liked it and that if I was to get married in a church (I’m all for eloping), I’d want it to be like that one. His response was “I have a feeling that you’re thinking we’re going to get married a lot sooner than I’m thinking we are.”
Normally that wouldn’t be cause for concern since we’ve only been together for a year but after he had said before that he wasn’t going to wait very long, now I’m just very confused.
Is he getting cold feet? Is he thinking that since we live together there’s no point in taking the next step with a proposal? Or is he just trying to throw me off so it will be more of a surprise when he does propose? This is a problem in itself because I’ve recently decided that I don’t want a diamond engagement ring. The only way he would know this is if he asked me.
How do I bring it up without being pushy?
Post # 3
@Black-Eyed-Susan: He probably shied away from the fact that you already know *where* you want to get married and you’ve only lived together a month.
It takes a while to adjust to living together.
Before I moved in with FI we discussed marriage and I let him know that I would not just be his “live-in girlfriend” forever. He understood that.
We lived together 1 1/2 years before we discussed marriage again, and got engaged another 1 1/2 years after that.
I’d just enjoy the newness of living together for a bit, before you bring up any marriage/wedding talk up again.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s pushy to discuss where you guys stand on the idea of engagement and marriage. It would be pushy to say “I want to get married SOON, or NOW, or ELSE.” But it’s totally adult and responsible to have a rational conversation about where you see your futures.
Post # 5
I think its really intimidating for a guy to hear his gf planning their wedding details before his proposed. Sounds like he’s serious about a future with you though.
I agree with @missrobots: that its fair to discuss your future together because that’s an important life decision. He might not want to get engaged quite yet, but if he sees it in your future, then I guess try your best to enjoy your wonderful man in the present.
Post # 6
I think you guys should have a conversation about everything and what he meant by that comment. However, guys tend to freak out a little bit about getting married. I wouldnt stress over it or rush him into anything! My FI and I dated 6 years before we got engaged and we knew within 2 weeks we were going to get married.
Take your time and really use this time to learn about each other. The last thing you want to do is push into something he might not be ready for. Trust me when I say all it will do is make him not want to propose.
Also, the more you talk about it the more it won’t be a surprise. 😛
Post # 7
I started to type my story of my 7 year waiting period and then I realized it had nothing to do with you. ^_^
I would say that you should not discuss the subject extensively for now. Men are quite different and they like to be the ones to initiate this. They are the ones that will make their, “grand proposal.” They tend to not want us to spoil it for them.
I take his words as a hint that he will make some moves on his time and not yours. What you need to find out is what his time is. Does he mean 1 more year? Does he mean a few months? Also age is a big factor for men.
I think he definitely wants his future with you. The think about guys are that they need to prepare their their wife and begin being the husbands they want to be. His words may have been a little harsh about, “I take it you think we will marry soon” but I think that just means he has more to prepare.
We don’t need much preperation for marriage. We just see the goal in mind, ” husband and wife.” I think they see “responsibilty, a family to care for, a wife that will depend on me.” Neither are bad thoughts. Its just going to be maybe a longer waiting period than you expected.
By the way. How old are you? How old is he? These play a major factor for men more so than us.
Post # 8
Dang my spell check and my copy paste. Sorry its all mixed. ^_^
Post # 9
Age brings up an entirely different factor. He is 33, I am 23. All of his friends have been married for at least 4 years and have at least 1 child. I have expressed to him that I’d like a few years to enjoy each other as husband and wife before we have to be Mom and Dad but he doesn’t want to be too old when he has children (I think he wants them before he’s 40, which I completely understand). So that also puts a bit of a time schedule on when we can get married.
Post # 10
I hate the idea that there are things that are important to you that you can’t bring up with your partner – esp when they involve your partner, and are about things that are sort of out of your control (does he want to get married? you can’t control that). I feel like, in a good and open relationship, you shoud be able to say something like: Hey honey, the other day when you said you thought we might be on different time frames, what did you mean?
You can also say things like: Baby, I know we just moved in together and this might make me seem a little, like, pushy and needy – even though I’m totally not! – but I just want to make sure that we’re open about the stuff that matters to us. And, much as I know it’s not socially acceptable for me to say it, getting married matters to me. So I just want to make sure, before this goes too far and I fall even more hopelessly head over heels for you, that we are more or less on the same page about these things. Here’s where I am:xyz. Where are you?
Post # 11
Hmm I think that this is a tricky situation. Withought knowing either one of you I cant really assume what he is thinking. What I do think is that you shouldnt bring it up for a while. You know he wants kids and when. So you know it will be in that time fram that he will most likely propose. You said that bc you havent been together to long you normally wouldnt be thinking about this or whatever.. so pretend that he never said anything and your just a normal couple that lives together (which you are) Enjoy being around eachother etc, and the proposal will come!! Just dont press the issue.. or you may push him away.
Post # 12
Sometimes it is fun to speak in hypotheticals, but when you point out something concrete (like the church), it might have panicked him a little bit. That does not mean he does not want it and wants it too far away, but he might translate what you said into “I’m going to book a venue next week!”
Could you ask him why he said that and when he thinks YOU are considering and what he is thinking in terms of a possible timeline?