- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
I need some advice.
I am engaged and the wedding is set for next September 2nd (a year from today..) – I will be 28 years old by then. I met my fiance 2.5 years ago and we hit it off right away. After 3 months, we moved in together (partially to save money, partially because we were connected at the hip).
Last November, he proposed. I was happy but was not surprised at all as we had talked about it for some time and I actually picked out the diamond and the ring design. I had not seen it, but I knew what it was supposed to look like. When I did see it, I was disappointed. The quality was poor and the prongs were misaligned. I do not mean to sound unapprecative, because I am, but I mention this becuase there seems to be several “signs” if you will.
For months, we didn’t plan anything. Partially because he was applying to business school, and partially because I wasn’t ready. Unbeknowst to him, I was having a lot of doubts. I cried a lot, was scared, and spent one weekend sobbing to my friend.I have always been a big dater–and never wanted to be in a relationship. I feel most free/fun when I’m alone and single–just being able to do whatever I want.
Anyway, in July, we finally set the date. I had been dying to tell my best friend the date was set, and after we finally did it, I tried to call my friend. I couldn’t get her and then I found out she passed away. She had been sick for a while, but she passed away from something completely unrelated to her sickness. Again, another bad sign?
Last week, my fiance started business school. I have supported him time and time again (when he was studying, applying, leaving his job, looking for a new job, etc.). He was really down for a while, and I supported him (don’t get me wrong–he has done the same for me, which is why I did love our relationship so much). But, I have always done more to put my needs behind his—and I did it again this past week. Because he is going to school, we decided to move apartments. However, our move was scheduled during his “orientation” week, so I took the day off of my job (and I have a very demanding job) and handled the move solo. We had movers, but they were cheap/unruly, so I had to stand guard for 2.5 hours and deal with their attitudes. It was incredibly stressful. They just dumped everything into our new apartment and from Noon until 9pm, I unpacked. When he finally got home, I literally could not stand anymore because my feet ached so badly. He said he would help so he was “unpacking” in the bedroom. I told him my feet ached but I would keep working in the kitchen. I went into the bedroom several times and each time, I found him on facebook. I was so mad, but didn’t want to nag him so I didn’t say anything. OH – and not to mention – I have a stomach infection that is close to becoming an ulcer. I’m not sure what caused it, but I’ve been super sick for the past few days.
This morning, I lost it. I know most people need a lot of time to unpack their home but it’s something that BOTH people should chip away at. It’s not my job to do his laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I am living in a home of boxes and he is not helping at all. Last night, he came home at midnight. I worked from 7:30am until 7:30pm, came home and unpacked. He just comes home and sleeps. To make it worse, he had left garbage everywhere – like, becuase there are boxes, he can just make it worse.
For many many months, I have thought about ending it. My Mom says those feelings are normal, and she says I just can’t appreciate what I have. She says I should be lucky to have someone. I love him dearly, but I am not attracted to him anymore and I feel like I am his mother / caregiver…not his fiance. We have not had s*x for months — I bet in the past year, we have had s*x less than 10 times.
To be clear, my fiance is a very very kind person. He tries hard to make our relationship really good, but sometimes he just doesn’t get me and and sometimes he doesn’t fair fight. I have a very bad temper (which I have repeatedly seen therapists for), but after years of dealing with my temper, he now just ignores me (even if my feelings are correct) and refuses to admit he does anything wrong. He just defaults everything to my temper and it’s always my fault. Also, none of my feelings are remotely justified.
Is it NORMAL for the affection to disappear? Is it normal to feel like this? There is nothing wrong with our relationship…but there is no romance either. I literally feel like he’s just a roommate.
Further, his mother thinks he is the most perfect son and a “genius.” I left my job in 2008 because I was miserably unhappy and she gave me a very hard time. I had been making well over $100,000 and had plenty of money saved, so it’s not like I needed my fiance to support me. I just needed time to find myself. However, his family gave me a very hard time. One time, his aunt got drunk and goes, “so, what are you going to do with your life, just babysit?” I was so upset/embarrassed, but Artie said she didn’t mean it and never confronted her. WTF? I would rip my aunt a new one if she said that to him. Anyway, when my fiance left his job to go to b-school, his parents were obviously incredibly supportive and don’t give him a hard time about leaving his 6 figure job. Ridiculous?
Anyway, I could use advice on what to do. I just don’t love him the way I used to and sometimes, I don’t even want him kissing me. I dont know why.