Break or break up? So confused and heart broken..

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia


I would approach him directly. “We need to talk.”

You two need to approach it like two adults. No games. No hiding any feelings. Just be honest. You can’t read too much into what he writes; that’s for sure.

You need to address:
– What isn’t working? What is the issue prompting the break/break-up?
– Are there anything one or two of you could do to improve the situation?

He needs to man up. He almost sounded very manipulative. (He sounded like me when I would like things to go my way) My FI had a problem with me suppressing my feelings. We worked through that. It took time.

If neither of you have the patience, then, it’s a clean break. I hope you two get to talk in a civil manner.

Post # 4
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@Cynderbug:  +1

If you two love each other, there could very possibly be a way to fix whatever problems you’re having. Establishing whether this is a break or a break up is ESSENTIAL first!

Post # 5
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia


I’ve just read posts from your other thread.

Love doesn’t have to be this hard. Love is simple: It is built on trust.


My SO used to hide me in his room while he hung out with his friends. However, I was always like, yay.. me time! (I would do my nails, read a book; etc etc) It’s funny because he feels bad now whenever he recalls what he did.

Men do need their male bonding time to be SANE. I have heard my FI’s best friend bitch about his drummer who is “whipped”. It’s a rather awkward situation for him whenever his drummer’s gf tightens her reign on him, “Sorry guys, ___ is getting mad at me. I have to ask you to leave.”

There must be something about him or the relationship that bothers you if you can’t trust him while he’s not with you. A relationship cannot work if you don’t have basic foundations for faith and trust.

Post # 7
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@laurenelizaberry:  I think the answer to all of the unknowns is to just ask. Ask him what he wants. Tell him what you want. If you both want to be together, you can work through the bickering, etc. Honestly, I think all couples go through times where they just annoy each other. But they pass. Sometimes therapy helps with learning to communicate better and in turn can help avoid these little phases. I think you should just talk to him. Hoping all workings out in your favor.

Post # 8
502 posts
Busy bee

Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like he knows he wants to break up….but doesn’t want to completely release someone who loves him. It sounds like he’s stringing you along. He’s saying all these things that he can now say because you’re far away and it’s easier than saying it when you live together and he has to act on these emotions and treat you accordingly. 

Whatever happens, and I do hope it works out for the best, don’t let yourself be his cushion while he finds his feet on his own. 

Post # 9
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It sounds to me that he still has hopes for you guys. A break CAN work. And for the better. I’ll share my little story as quickly as poss: 

I got with my now husband (who was separated from his wife for 18 months at that point) in 2009. We fell in love VERY quickly and deeply and everything was great. Then my mental health issues started to show my true horrible colours (I have a serious lack of turst for ANYONE for starters) and we started to bicker and argue a lot. 

I ended up bullied out of my job and had to leave my flat so it was decided I move in with him… 200 miles away. 2 weeks later he told me in a row, via text that he didn’t love me and that I should move out. I was knocked for 6! 

It took me a long while to move out as I had nowhere to go, and no job and no money in which to do so. We still remained close while I was still there but he was adament we were over and told me he wasn’t sure if he ever really loved me. I finally found a job and somewhere to live and moved out. But we still stayed in touch, seeing each other every other weekend, as “friends”…but very close friends as we both felt so comfortable with each other, he still wasn’t divorced and I’d gotten out of him that he didn’t know if he wanted to get back with the wife. I spent 18 months SURE that he was going back to her, when one day he dropped another bombshell, again in a row (!) that he had filed for divorce.  

2 months later in a text when I was on vacation with friends he said “please can you be the one”. We officially got back together, he fell back in love with me, he got divorced, we got engaged and here I am happily married! 


A break CAN work. What feels like a failing relationship can turn around into the best thing ever. 

Talk to him. See what he wants. Compare it to what you want. If you want to be with each other, work on your issues that are hindering the relationship. Work at making it work. If that’s what you both want… 

Post # 10
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have been in your shoes.  Me and my now FI broke up 5 years ago because we couldn’t agree on things and we’re constantly bickering.  We also lived together so like you, he slept on the couch and I slept in the bedroom.  Our conversations were about bills and we barely talked beyond that.  6 months later our lease was up and we moved out and separated which by that time I started dating another person.  A month and a half later he contacted me on Easter and asked if I was interested in meeting up and we could do anything I wanted and go anywhere. He basically broke down telling me he wanted to get back together And apologized for everything that was said.   

It took a little bit of time but I ended up cutting off my relationship with the other person to give it another shot.  I think sometimes it takes a breakup or break to realize that you both have so much in common and your personalities fit well.  5 years later and we are getting married in 2 months.  I do think we are a little different since we are high school sweethearts and met when we were 16 and started dating at 17 so we both only really ever dated each other and sometimes you think the grass can be greener.  Now we can’t imagine ourselves separate and he’s my best friend who supports me in all of my decisions And visa versa. 

I think you both need time separate ie not living together… All conversations have ended.  Your emotions are at such a high all the time because you both are conversing daily.  You need time for yourself to move on, heal and forgive.  It will get better, I promise.  If your interested in getting back together you need time to at least heal and forgive so you can start on a clean slate and move on as a whole without looking back.   

Post # 11
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Truthfully, I don’t think he knows what he wants. On the one hand he wants space and on the other hand he wants to keep you dangling all the while he sorts his head out.

If I were you I’d take charge of yourself. Move out, move forwards and treat this as a break-up. Right now you are getting all the pain while he gets to manipulate you.

Post # 12
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Cynderbug:  +10000

@laurenelizaberry:  The foundation of a healthy relationship is communication.  Tell him that you’re confused by what he’s saying and you want to know if you’re “broken up” or “on a break.”  If he can’t give you a clear answer, move on.

Also, if he thinks you’re “on a break,” you need to figure out what that means.  Can you date other people?  Should you be working on fixing what went wrong in your relationship?  What do you need to do to fix what went wrong?  

You deserve CLEAR answers from this man.  Don’t settle for mixed signals and confusion!

Post # 13
523 posts
Busy bee

@Steampunkbride:  +1,000

I commented on your last thread too. I’m sorry to see that this is still going on. You need to take the reins and decide what you want to happen.

It seems like he’s hoping to get time to be free and single BUT also get to keep you waiting in the wings for when he decides he’s ready to be in a relationship.

I’d honestly suggest that you avoid taking a “break” and work on moving on. You’ve been together a little over a year and you’ve been having issues for months. If he works his shit out and you get back together in the future, great! However, right now I think you both need some time apart.

Post # 16
523 posts
Busy bee

@laurenelizaberry:  I want to say that even though I don’t know you I am SO EFFIN PROUD OF YOU!

You are acting so mature in this situation, realizing that you have to find your own closure. The days ahead will be hard but just no that you have a community here of women who have been through similar heartbreaks and who can always bolster your confidence when you’re feeling low.

Good luck with everything.

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