Break up or work it out?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I don’t think a relationship should be this hard, ReneeBee.  And I don’t think you are causing his behavior, nor do I think you can fix it.

Is he open to getting therapy for himself?

Post # 3
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

ReneeBee:  I just think you have to base your decision on who he is today: because people don’t really change- and if they do it’s because they fought tooth and nail through some combo of faith, education, support groups, therapy etc- and you can’t force him to do any of that. And they still fight their demons- there is no cure.

I would not want to trust my life, my future, my children to a man who shuts down like that. Sounds like a cruel and awful cycle and it will only hurt worse when there’s family involved. 70/30 Is not a good enough ratio for a successful marriage- so if that’s your goal then I’d leave. 

Post # 4
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

70% wouldn’t be good enough for me, to be honest. I expect and accept hard times, but 30% of our interactions being unpleasant would be way too much for me.

Post # 5
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

ReneeBee:  Is it possible he is bipolar?

Either way, you should be able to rely on him and feel secure with him 100% of the time. Everyone argues and struggles at times, but only feeling stable and loved 60-70% of the time is unacceptable.

I don’t think he’s a bad person or anything, but maybe you two just aren’t right for each other.

Post # 8
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

He needs therapy and lots of it over a period of years. And honestly, I don’t think you would be doing yourself a favor by staying in a relationship with him while he’s in therapy. Be his friend? Yes. Be his girlfriend? No. Why? Because he can’t be anyone’s SO right now. He needs to focus on understanding himself, his motivations, his patterns, etc., and then doing the hardwork of making changes to establish healthier interpersonal relationships.

Post # 9
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

ReneeBee:  the thing is with therapy: you can ask him to go all you want but unless he wants to change he won’t. Even if he does want to he likely can’t- this is his ingrained character, habits and personality. I think you’ll just waste a year or two more struggling and end up single then, might as well do it now and save yourself the years. You are a happy stable person, you deserve a happy stable partner.

Post # 10
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

It really depends on how hard both of you are willing to work. You in understanding and him in therapy likely. My husband, six months into dating, started to show anger when he would drink. We started to fight a lot and eventually one drunken fight escalated and he pumched the wall repeatedly. I walked out saying “I love you, I truly do, but I will NOT tolerate this. If it doesn’t change right now I’m gone.” I slept in the other room that night. When he woke up the next morning he apologized and agreed to stop drinking. I was reluctant but he proved to me he would put in the work and he did stop drinking and the problem is far in the past now.

I had to give him time and patience to change thpugh as he has done for me. I have family problems that were effectig our relationship so I went to therapy and changed to keep my new family whole. I worked my buns off for two years solid to make the changes and it wasn’t easy but I had to do it becauae my marriage and family were too important to lose. I had my ups and down and my husband had his patience and understanding to deal with my bad days.

My husband tends to ahut off when under stress as many guys do but I have made it clear, I will give him space if he neds it but he won’t shut me out and he won’t turn it against me. Ii am underatanding that things get stressful but I won’t let the stress hurt our family.

People can and do change in a relationship but both parties have to want to and have to work hard to do it. You need to talk to him and let him know the behavior iant what you see in your future and you need him to make changes. If you are both not willing to work together I would say go ahead and get out now.

Post # 13
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

are these moods something you are willing to live with the rest of your life?

is her aware of the problem?  does he want to fix it?

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