Post # 1
Every year since I can remember we have gone over to my God parents home for Christmad Day evening. When I was younger it was fun because I got to play with their kids (around the same age) and we got to open presents – the time just flew by.
Once I hit my late teens I started to hate it – with a passion. I would go over and the older boys would be off on their skidoos and my younger sister would play with their youngest daughter. I was left to awkwardly sit with my parents on the couch while they all talked for hours.
For the past few years I have tried to get out of it (I am now 21) but my mother always gets me to go and I always hate every second. Last year I had wanted to spend the day with FI but my mother made me go yet again but my father was kind enough to cut our visit to 1.5 hours when he seen how miserable I looked there.
So now the day of the visit is tomorrow and I had every intention of spending my full day (after I leave parents at 10am) with FI celebrating Christmas… but my mother has said she expects me to come back home only 3 hours later to go over to their house for 2 hours. I’ve tried to stay firm and tell her no but she is being very difficult about this.
She keeps on telling me how embarrassing it will be to show up for the first time without me, that I’ll look ungrateful because they get me a gift every year (which I really could go without!) and that my sister is going so I have to too.
She has gone as far as to get my godparents to invite FI for the day but that is out of the question. FI is just not comfortable going and he also had plans for us to have his half brother come over for supper… which will now just be him and his brother.
So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my mom to be this upset but I can’t do this every single year, particularly next year when I am married and trying to start my own traditions (this year our dinner with his brother was supposed to be the start of a tradition)…
Post # 3
Now is a great time to start your own traditions! Dinner with your FI’s brother sounds like a great one to start. Don’t worry too much about your mom. You’ve given her fair warning about your plans. I’m sure your God parents will understand.
Post # 4
Be firm! “I am engaged to be married, we have our own plans. I will send them a thank you card or thank them next time I see them. I sure they will understand.” Don’t give her a chance to argue. Also, it may be more about tradition in your mom’s eyes than theirs. Maybe they won’t even mind as much as your mom is making it out to be. If you want boundaries, you need to set them. Whether it’s Christmas traditions, wedding planning, raising kids (if applicable), etc.
Post # 5
Traditions change as people grow up, but a lot of parents are unable/unwilling to let them go. Standing your ground this year will help establish that you and your FI are going to be starting your own life together. Your mom will be mad and disappointed (sorry, but she will be) but will likely get over it.
Post # 6
You’ve done it long enough and you are an adult who can make her own decisions. You do what you want to do.
Post # 7
@JessicaJupiter: be firm! Mom, I’m sorry but tell ____ that I cannot make it. We have invited FH’s brother for dinner and I can’t make it.
If it’s nearby, can you pop by on your own, make an appearance and then leave? You’re an adult, you don’t need to be escorted places by your parents.
Post # 8
I’d skip your mom, call your godparents, and express your regrets personally. Then call your mom and tell her that you’ve let them know you won’t be able to make it this year, but you’ll (call/visit/whatever) this (weekend/month/summer).
Post # 9
The fact that you are engaged now is the perfect reason to break the tradition. Family dynamics change in a big way when engagements/weddings happen and your parents will have to get used to it sooner or later.
Just be firm. She might be upset this year, but that will fade by next year
Post # 10
@Jess1483: THIS. Get your mom out of the middle, call the Godparents and express your regrets that you can’t attend. Make plans to get together with them in the next few days. Your mom shouldn’t have a say in this (remember, I’m a mom of grown kids) and you should not have her in the middle between you and your Godparents.
So…go make the call and then let us know how it went!
Post # 11
@JessicaJupiter: if you want to make your Mom happy, go. But you’re an adult. I doubt your god-parents will be all that shocked that you have your own life and plans. As kids grow into adults, traditions change. Tell your Mom no.
Post # 12
You say that she will be embarassed the first time she shows up without you…well, it’s going to happen at some point – might as well get it over with! I think it is nice spending time with your FIs brother and if that’s what you want to do then do it. Just go straight to your godparents, like others have said and offer your apologies and maybe arrange to see them on your own/with your fiancé another time.
Post # 13
Well I made the confrontation yet again this morning about not wanting to go and stood my ground about it. I told her that they will probably be a little bit upset they didn’t get to see me this year but they are not going to be that offended that a 21 year old had her own plans when their children my age don’t even stay for the visit. She initially started to fight me on it again but luckily my father and sister took my side and convinced her to just let it go.
I think it is more of her not wanting me to be starting my own life rather than the fear of offending them somehow by not going.
Anyways, I certainly am happy to finally get to spend Christmas day how I want to.
Post # 14
@JessicaJupiter: you are an adult. If you try to please everyone, you will end up pleasing no one. Just say no! Your mom will get over it. 🙂
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
The first time is bound to be difficult for your mom, but it’s got to start sometime. Make it NOW!
Stick to your guns. You’re an adult and engaged. No need to be tortured.