Post # 1
I’ve been with my fiance for 13 months now. We got engaged 5 months into our relationship. And a month ago, I started professional school.
Things have been strained for the past two months. I feel like he is not emotionally or financially supportive of me and my needs in regards to my education. It feels like he is putting his own wants before my needs. And I can’t help but think that if he’s being like this now, what will he be like once we’re married?
So tonight, after a big fight where he left my house without saying goodbye or anything, and after crying for quite a while, I talked to my mom and decided to end it.
Problem is, I DO love him. But I feel like marrying him would hold me back professionally and personally. I feel like I would wind up resenting him for missed opportunities to enjoy my youth (I’m in my early 20s, he’s in his 30s). I’ve spent the past month developing random crushes on guys in my program, and thinking that if I was single, I’d go for it. Which clearly isn’t healthy.
But I found the perfect dress and already shelled out 3600 for it. Plus already shelled out close to 4000 for the catering hall. But honestly it kind of feels like I want the fancy wedding more than I want the life with him at this point.
I just have no idea what to do anymore. My mother is supportive of me ending the engagement because even though she does like him, she also feels that he needs to put my needs and wants first while I’m back at school earning that Dr. in front of my name. She feels like right now, I’m the one sacrificing and not him, and that my sacrifices are detrimental to my education. And I do agree. But I also get nauseous thinking about ending it officially.
Post # 3
@iwl: Divorces are far more expensive than weddings. I would go with your gut and move on. Go and live your life! When the right guy comes you won’t have these feelings
Post # 4
@iwl: “”But honestly it kind of feels like I want the fancy wedding more than I want the life with him at this point.””
I think that’s all you need to know. It’s better to have it be over now rather than after the wedding.
Post # 5
@iwl: if u two can’t compromise then it’s not worth going forward as there will be resentment on both sides. Cut your losses and move on.
Post # 6
@iwl: You know what you want/need to do. You just dont like the fact that you are going to lose money. But that isnt a good reason to get married.
You say you love him, but I hate to tell you this, but loving someone also isnt a good reason to marry him. There were many guys that I loved before DH, but if I had married them, I would have been miserable. Love is what starts the relationship, but it is very unstable and cannot cement forever and ever. You have to have common goals, respect, support, etc. The things you dont have right now.
What is more painful: a breakup now and losing some money or a divorce later (maybe even with kids involved)?
Post # 7
@iwl: Honestly, I think that your partner should be supportive of your educational endeavors. In what ways is he not supportive? Is he unreasonable? Maybe if you are not ready to call it quits yet you can ask for the engagement to be on hold? I know some people give ultimatums/requests/demands at this point or make a decision to leave — but whatever you do I would advise you to listen to your conscience! If you have a bad feeling about whats to come in the future, I would say hold off.
Hope this helps!
Post # 8
To answer your question, Jas00, I currently commute over an hour each way to school. It is killing me and reflecting very negatively on my grades. I want to move closer to school (walking distance) but school is in Manhattan. So.. expensive apartments.
I have a student loan out that will cover rent for a decent one bedroom in a nice building. He would have to cover utilities and food and essentials, which would come out to about $1,500 a month. He doesn’t want to do it before the wedding because he wants to “save up until then just in case.” He also thinks that the rent for the apartment ($3000) will leave us bankrupt. Even though I have federal student loans to cover it, just like most people I go to school with. None of whom are going bankrupt.
Which I think is ridiculous. Because I’m already seeing my grades slip from the commute after a month. If I wait a whole school year, I could potentially flunk out and kiss becoming a doctor goodbye.
Post # 9
@iwl: that sounds like it is very tough for you, and taking a toll. FI and I have been living together for a while. We lived together near his University, and when he graduated we moved very close to my school. I think it should be a bit of a compromise, but if he’s not willing to meet you half way then there isn’t very much to compromise. I understand that debt may be scary for him, but when you are done with school, you will be able to pay it off! Maybe you can help relieve his possible anxiety about saving up for the wedding by telling him that you wanted to wait until you were done with school so that you could help him save up too, or that you were thinking of having a smaller wedding/elopement! Sorry you’re going through a rough patch!
Post # 11
@QueenieB: +1. As soon as I read that sentence by the OP, the answer was clear cut.
@iwl: You can’t sacrifice your want of becoming a Dr for this man. Tell him it’s not working out anymore because you feel like you’re the one making all the sacrifices for a life together and he’s not. A partnership should be equal. Best of luck.
Post # 12
@iwl: 7k isn’t much in the grand scheme of things. You obviously don’t want to marry him so you need to end it.
Post # 13
Forget the dress money and the catering money. I would chalk that up to making an impulsive decision too early into the relationship. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
You’re in your early 20s…. live your life, pursue your dreams. If he does not want to come along for the ride and be supportive of you pursuing your dreams, you need to cut him loose.
That’s just my two cents.
I think your career plans sound exciting… go for it!!