Post # 1
I found inappropriate comments on a Yahoo celebrity forum from my finance. Political ones, but it was the handful of sexual ones that bothered me. Several comments regarding a celebrities “chest’ for example, and another that had to do with a photo needing a “pearl necklace”. I had to google that, didn’t know what he meant. We are both in our 50’s, and his comments sounded like they were from a young guy in the Navy. Another one that stated, “did ya do her”? I told him I read them, and that they hurt and stunned me. He apolized, didn’t mean for me to see them, and really doesn’t think there was anything wrong with it. He said he was just being funny and it’s fun to see how many thumb downs he gets. Do you think it was just a stupid guy thing, or a low character thing, and reason enough to break off the engagement? Otherwise he has always been respectful to me. I actually broke off the engagment for a week, yet missed him, and got back together. I appreciate your thoughts!
Post # 3
I actually broke off the engagment for a week, yet missed him, and got back together.
You have broken the engagement once before and now thinking of it again, regardless to what he has done I think this speaks for itself. You are not sure he is the one.
Post # 4
Hi @subree: first and foremost… I see you are NEW here, so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
Only you can answer what you think is right or wrong or acceptable in regards to moral character for a person you wish to marry.
If you aren’t comfortable with something you have options…
Discuss it with him (which you’ve done) accept the explanation… and move on from it
Don’t accept his explanation, and seek counselling for the 2 of you
Don’t accept his explanation, consider it a deal-breaker… and move on with your life away from this person… in hopes of finding someone more suited to you (and you will)
I am an oldtimer as well (over 50)… and for me this situation would be unacceptable
Because of the activity / content… I have very rigid ideas of what is and isn’t cheating… appropriate behaviour as long as I am in his life. This would be emotional cheating IF there was interaction with someone on line… as there wasn’t this is just sexually inappropriate IMO (sooo don’t want to hear about who’d you like to do… give a pearl necklace to). Never mind the fact that this is all very immature behaviour… not something I’m looking for in a man in my middle age.
Here’s what I’ve learned as a middle aged Divorcee… there are GREAT guys out there… but they are not easily found (BUT SOOOO WORTH IT when you do).
There are tons of men out here on the single scene that are here because they are not worth dating (have HUGE emotional issues… and I’m not a counsellor interesting in “fixing” anyone at my age… lol, I’m retired… and looking to have a nice fun organized life, not a job). As well there are a lot of men single because they have stuff wrong with them, are losers etc. They are single because some other GOOD WOMAN threw them away… I don’t collect broken items normally in my life… so WHY would I want a man who is ?
Whatever you decide, just do so with your eyes wide open… and the knowledge, that YES you can certainly change your mind again if need be.
Hope this helps,
Post # 5
@Pokemon: You have broken the engagement once before and now thinking of it again, regardless to what he has done I think this speaks for itself. You are not sure he is the one.
Thank you Pokemon for your response. It is straight forward and to the point….I believe you are correct…I truly am not sure he is the one, yet keep hoping he is. I need to be strong and true to myself. It helped hearing from you, thank you again!
Post # 6
@This Time Round: Hi This time round and thank you for your welcome! I appreciate your response and input. It helped me gain a better perspective, especially with the “options”. The 3rd one where you mentioned moving on away from him, and telling me “I will meet someone more suited to me”, was very encouraging and refreshing! Thank you for that. That was funny too what you said about at “our age”, not wanting to fix someone. I’ve thought that too! I agree that what he posted was immature and unacceptable. I am still very bothered by it. Yet for what ever reason having a hard time letting him go. Praying lots about it! Either I take a sabatical, or make up my darn mind and stick with it. It’s hard because I do still love him, and he is telling me he loves me…I do believe we can love someone and yet not be compatible. Even though I keep thinking of all the wonderful things about him…this other thing has me so disgusted.
I liked your analogy on broken items. Of course you don’t want to buy broken things, why partner up with a broken man? At our age, sadly lots of people have lots of baggage. But….the one I want to accept will be the one who is willing to take the time to grow and get repaired. 🙂 Even though he apologized, he said he doesn’t think there was anything wrong with what he did. I am on my way to changing my mind again. Once I do, I’m telling him we have to stop talking, because I will be doing great…then we talk, and next thing you know I’ve slid down again!
Your reply helped a lot, thank you again!
Post # 7
@subree: I’m in my 40s and I’ve got pretty conservative standards (I don’t like porn, for instance), but I think sexual comments on a celebrity website are just silly guy things. He’s not interacting with a person, he’s just making sexual comments about someone he’ll never meet. I consider that less bad that porn, for instance.
Post # 8
From a younger (non-Christian) point of view, I personally don’t see what he did was that wrong. To me, the comments seem like general comments that many guys would innocently make. There doesn’t seem to be any intent to do anything wrong, engage with another woman, or offend anyone. Most of the guys I know probably think the things that your fiance posted, so I don’t think what he said specifically crossed the time.
Clearly this is important to you and it seems to be more an issue of expectations than specifically what was said. Is the probablem for you that he was thinking sexual things, making sexual comments, or that he might be thinking about other women?
Post # 9
I’m fairly liberal but this is just gross to me. I wouldn’t like what it says re how he views women. At his age? No thanks. I don’t see it as a cheating thing, but more of a moral character thing. That’s my 2 cents. As for what you should do, only you know what’s in your heart, but I will say that you get what you agree to. So, if this is okay in the long term, and you can overlook it, go forward with him. If its not okay, and he doesn’t see it as a problem, then you need to reevaluate. You deserve to find the right one:-)
Post # 10
I don’t see this as being any different from things a guy would say in a locker room or on a stag night. It’s celebrities, and that’s not the same as “real” women. For example, Fiance enjoys porn now and again. I don’t mind, because it’s strangers on the internet. But if he were paying money to see some of his buddies, an ex, or people from work having sex, that would be ENTIRELY another story.
If this is reflective of how he sees women overall, that’s one thing, but it’s probably just machismo. Definitely make sure you figure out which it is before you proceed with marrying him, though!
Post # 11
@CoCoCourtney: Hi CoCoCourtney ~ “Most of the guys I know probably think the things that your fiance posted, so I don’t think what he said specifically crossed the time”.
I’ll give you a few examples which made me think he “crossed the line”………..I hope it’s ok to post the examples…..
His response to a celebrity who flaunts her breasts….he said, “She does have a nice rack on her”; and, “I’d like to watch her jump rope braless!”. (he justified that one because “after all”, he said, she displays them out in public with cupcakes etc dangling from them) He also replied to a comment that “there’s nothing wrong with admiring a nice rack”.
That one made my heart pound when I read it.
Another: in response to what a painting of a celebrity needed to make it better….he said, “It just needs a nice pearl neclace, just a minute………ahhhhhhhh! Oh yes much better”!
(that one horrified me) He is justifying that one because he said a song called pearl necklace was playing at the time he commented on that, and he thought it was funny.
Another: in response to what others were saying about a young actress he said, “yup, if she only had some chesticals”.
He even chimed in, in response to ugly comments people were making about an unattrative young celebrity…he said “woof”
There’s more, but I probably gave more than enough examples. So, to answer your question, it’s more the sexual tacky and mean (woof) comments that bother me…and are seconds away of being a deal breaker. 🙁
Post # 12
@Tinatiny1: Hi Tinatiny1 ~ “I’m fairly liberal but this is just gross to me. I wouldn’t like what it says re how he views women. At his age? No thanks. I don’t see it as a cheating thing, but more of a moral character thing. That’s my 2 cents”.
I appreciate your “2 cents”! I felt like it was cheating at first…he told me he just says things from the top of his head. He is however choosing to look at the pics with his choice of perspective, and engaging in the like minded other gross comments. Even though it still kind of feels like cheating, I also believe it’s more of a moral character thing. I googled “character” and he doesn’t even come close to all the “bad character” stuff I pulled up. Another reason why I’m so surprised and shocked he would write those things in a forum…he admitted that he knows he can get off color. I am in the mist right now of “reevaluating”. I want to move forward, but feel stuck! Thanks again for your response and input!
Post # 13
@paula1248: Hi paula1248 ~ I gave some more detail in a few examples of his comments to CoCoCourtney. Given that, do they still look “silly” to you? I didn’t say too much in my first note. I’d like to think they were just silly….but I’m still bothered by it. He is playing it down and telling me he just likes to get his ya’s ya’s out from time to time. Thanks again for your input!
Post # 14
@EffieTrinket: Good point EffieTrinket, making sure if this is how he views women. So far, the 5 years we have been together he has treated me with respect…another reason why I’m surprised he would be so different with that online forum. It almost seems like a form of porn to me because he “acted” on it by typing out those phrases and obviously was in that mindset. I actually wouldn’t have a problem if he blurted that stuff out with his buddies in a locker room, that seems different than putting it out there behind a screen name. I do feel somewhat better about the fact that his comments are directed toward celebrites and not real women….I wouldn’t have thought twice about that one. It’s his choice of the vulgar way he wrote his comments that are so unsettling to me. Thank you for your input, really appreciate it!
Post # 15
@subree: i just read your examples. Wow. Every woman is different on this issue, but I am definitely in your camp here. I would not be able to feel the same after reading that. I know many men talk like that and the internet brings out the worst, so maybe you can cut him some slack. But I would have a problem with it, as you are. Hugs
eta:! Ps I always wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If you were saying things like this about a celebrity?
If he’s good to you in other ways and his character is solid, this is tough. Take your time, give yourself some space before you make up y our mind.
Post # 16
a grown man making comments like that!! Id expect that from a 15 year old, not a 50 year old!! soo wrong!