Post # 1
I previously posted about having doubts about the man I’ve been engaged to for less than a week. The vast majority of responses had the same general message: GO WITH YOUR GUT.
After thinking way too much, crying, arguing with myself, and generally being afraid, all the while feeling more and more withdrawn from the man who is supposed to be the love of my life, I have concluded that I should and need to break my engagement.
Although I have come to that conclusion, I am terrified. Absolutely. I don’t know when I’m going to bring this up, and I keep running through all the consequences of this decision in my head: embarassment, splitting friends, not being able to do things together that we had planned, all manner of things. More than anything I’m afraid of how he will react. I know I am breaking his heart by doing this. And there is nothing I can do to stop it…it makes me want to run away, like when I was still a kid.
I’m seeking some encouragement, I guess. I keep going back and forth about, “Am I making the right choice? What if I regret this? Am I PMSing? Should I talk to my mom first?” ETC ETC ETC. I know deep down I want affirmation that I am making the right choice, and maybe it’s unreasonable to want that BEFORE I act. Everyone wants to know that they’ve considered all things before making a decision… But I am afraid that deep down, all this second guessing is just yet another defense mechanism against actual confrontation and dealing with my decision.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice? I’m prepared to finally make the decision that I haven’t been able to for the longest time, probably since the beginning of the relationship. But I want to know I am really doing the right thing, and being wise.
Post # 3
I’ve never had to deal with this, but I know that if you have already gotten to the point of wanting to breaking it off…you should break it off. Yes, you’ll hurt him. Yes, you won’t be able to do the things together that you’ve planned and you might lose some friends too. But, in the long run, it’ll hurt less now than it will when you’re already married, have kids, buy a house, etc.
I know it’s going to be hard, but you can and will survive this. Good luck!
Post # 4
Only you can know what’s right for you, but let’s end the suspense soon here, you are stressing yourself out, probably scaring the hell out of your Fiance and you KNOW you don’t want this, or you wouldn’t be here. My only advice is this, be brief, be firm, have an exit strategy planned and when your finished, return the ring, wish him the best, and leave….you can cry all you want to about it when you get where your going, but in this play, your the one that has to be in charge…so call it off and get gone….you’ll be alright, life’s full of ugly errands, how well we execute them defines us as people.
You Can Do It!
Post # 5
@jemimadewdrop: I didn’t read your other post, but I guess I don’t really have to. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about your Fiance in regards to whether or not he’s the one, whether or not you should marry him, or whether or not you should even BE with him – then it’s not right, he’s not the one, and you should let him go so you can both find that one where you’ll never question it. You know when people say “you just know”? It’s true. And if you don’t know, it’s not it.
As for his feelings and how he’ll handle it – he’ll be devastated. His world will end. BUT, he’ll eventually get over, he’ll eventually move on, and he’ll eventually thank you when he finds his forever lady. Not only are you freeing yourself up for YOUR Mr. Right, you’re letting him go off and find a woman who he’ll love just as much, but who will know 100% that he’s the right man for her too.
be brave sweetie – it will all work out in the end.
Post # 6
i have gone through this and the fact that you realize what needs to be done is the first step. telling him will be the next step and that is just as difficult.
trust me, once you have gone your separate ways you will feel a sense of relief that will make these difficult yet necessary steps so worthwhile.
i wish you the best.
Post # 7
I’m so so sorry you’re having to deal with this. But it sounds like you’re making the right decision. Breaking up is never hard. And it’s even harder after an engagement. But it’s even harder than that after a marriage. So you’ve got to own up to it and just get it over with. If you live together then spend some time figuring out how to make some plans for the time immediately after the breakup. Then just go for it. She, it is quite possible the you will break his heart, but he will get over it. And it’ll be better for him, so that he can find someone who truly wants him. Good luck!
Post # 8
@jemimadewdrop: I have long looked through this website– truth be told, I am never one to post things or be much of an active member on message boards, but your post prompted me to make an account and reply.
You are very courageous to seek advice and state your truth, however anonymously, through this forum. I commend you. I wish I had had a similarly supportive venue. Leaving my fiancee, who I had been with for seven years, was undoubtedly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I did this a year ago– and in trying to comprehend, even justify to myself and others why I ended it all, I came across this column a few months ago.
Dear Sugar is an amazing column written by a woman, Cheryl Strayed, who comes with a wealth of wisdom and insight– but this particular one spoke so deeply to me, I had to share it with you. I hope that it brings you a little comfort, and know that you are not alone– you are “brave enough to break your own heart,” and that in and of itself is reason enough to be proud and stand tall in your decision.
DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #77: The Truth That Lives There
Post # 9
I’ve broken off an engagement before..it was hard but so worth it in the end because a few months of dealing with tough stuff was better than a lifetime is misery. Hang in there!!