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I don't know if this is the same kind of thing, but my mom had a huge cow because I'm dying my crinoline. She just "Doesn't get why I'd want to ruin it".
That works. I also didn't want a veil because of money and it just didn't seem like me. When I picked up my dress everyone freaked out that I didn't want one. (I ended up trying one on, loving it, then not being able to afford it)
i think it is sweet that your brother is walking you down the aisle...
it annoys me that some people can be so judgemental about someone else's wedding...i totally agree that it should be whatever the couple wants and screw the rest of the people...people should be more respectful of what the couple wants and not give them grief about being different/breaking tradition.
Oh man, I've gotten a ton of negativity. Not on the Bee, but just in general.
1) My mother (and numerous other relatives and even some friends) have given me crap for not wearing white. I want to wear green. I'm the bride. This is the one "bridezilla" move I will make--I hate white dresses and wouldn't be caught dead in one. Why would I want to wear pastels just to look like everyone's preconceived notion of a "bride"?
2) Walking down the aisle by myself. No one needs to give me away--I am a grown woman.
3) Not having a religious or spiritual ceremony--FH and I are nonbelievers and happy that way, so please stop waving bibles at us. ;)
4) No veil--just don't want one.
People need to back off, imo. =P
@Statutory Grape: You reminded me of one more. Apparently everyone is stuck in the 1950's here because we've actually gotten a lot of feedback on our officiant being a woman. She's doing a semi-religious ceremony for us (no religion except one blessing/prayer) because we believe but not to the same extent everyone else we know. "Why would you have a woman perform your ceremony? And not really religious?" I was actually surprised that she was such a big deal.
I, actually, haven't received any comments from anyone about how we are planning the wedding. It's like no one cares. Mind you we've been together for 7 years, have a kid, a house, and kind of do our own thing no matter what... but still! No input from anyone! I told my mom what we are doing and all she said was I wish your sister would do something more like that.
We are going a little different from most weddings we've been to around here, but coming here makes me feel almost normal about our plans.
A couple I know who got married recently decided they would both take her last name rather than his, keeping his as a middle name as a compromise. His family is irate over it! They are accusing him of "disinheriting his family" and warned him not to tell his sick grandmother about the decision because "it's the last thing she needs to hear." WTH? Why can't people just be okay with what the couple wants?
@Statutory Grape: I feel your pain. While my dress is pretty traditional, I won't be wearing a veil. I've been told I won't look like a bride, just a woman dressed in white. Ummm... whatever.
Ironically, the fact that I'm going down the aisle alone doesn't seem to upset anyone. Perhaps that is largely due to the fact it's not my first trip though.
I'm just grateful no one is fussing me about having a wedding for a marriage that is not the first for either of us. The closest we came to having a problem was when one of my friends said "You know, I just realized I've never been to any of your weddings. This will be the first one!" She didn't mean it the way it sounded, luckily.
@Encore: Hey, it's your thing if you wanna do a wedding for a second/third/fourth/eleventh marriage. Go for it! :) It's no one's business but yours and your SO's, in my opinion.
Oh, that reminds me--I was told outright on another board that it wouldn't feel like a wedding unless we did plated meals. Sorry--buffet-style apps is all we can afford. I doubt I'll regret it or feel like less of a bride, lol.
@mandb122: I don't think wanting to be walked down the aisle by your brother is a huge deal. My fiance and I are walking down the aisle together and exiting the Church together--I feel like we're both entering and I'm not being "handed" off. But there are a couple of thinks on WB that get people riled up--children, registeries/money, etc.
@Statutory Grape: Lol, I'm pretty sure we're going to have buffet type meals. I think that a lot of couples do that.
Oh my goodness, it would take me forever to write out all the crap I've heard, and our wedding is actually pretty traditional! If I had a nickel for every time my mother has said "Oh....... well, every wedding I've ever been invited to blah blah blah."
And tonight, my aunt decided to tell me that "everyone" is "shocked" that I'm changing my name. I'm very liberal and feminist, involved in women's groups, etc. and have been forever. I always said I wouldn't change my name, but I've always believed it's a personal choice (and the feminist side of me just believes we should have a choice!). Anyway, having a "family" name is very important to FI. I joke that we made a deal that we'll have more children (I'd love a big full house, he only wanted one) if I change my name, but really, in my opinion it's an uber personal choice and I made it for reasons that are important to me. Period. I don't see how or why it's anyone else's business! (also as a side note I loved one friend's take on it when I ranted about someone comments - she said "What difference does it make? You take your husband's name, or you keep your father's. I know that doesn't apply to everyone, but it applies to me and I think it's an interesting perspective!).
Anyway, I guess it's kind of the opposite of your point - that I'm doing something "traditional" and getting flak for it - but I just think people should take a "best wishes only" or a if-you-don't-have-something-nice-to-say... approach when it comes to weddings and people's decisions about them!
Also, @Statutory Grape, I LOVE IT that you're wearing green!!
@sessaj: Lol, your family needs to know that you were relegated to the name you were born with by your father. So how is that any better? So I'm with you, choice is great :)
@sessaj: Ha, thanks! FH loves it, too. In his words: "Why should we copy what everyone else is doing? It's our day--let's do something different." I love that man. :)
We're having a nonreligious wedding on a yacht. Yesterday my religious aunt asks, "So how much is it costing you?" Um, rude. But FH answers with a general roundabout figure and she says "Oh, J (my sister & MOH) got married in our church for free." She basically asked that question just so she could make her point-- point being that we're wasting all our money for no reason.
Anyway, the church didn't pay for EVERYTHING for my sister's wedding, so no, she did not getting married for free. Urghhhhh.
The number of opinions on weddings is just mind boggling! Lately what has been surprising me is the number of people who have opinions on us BEING traditional. I've received pretty rude comments about our decision to marry in a church, me taking his last name, and the fact that we don't live together yet.
Of course there have been comments whenever I've considered waivering on a tradition (my mom insisted that I have a wedding cake, and tried to convince me that I couldn't possibly wear flat shoes - what is up with that lol???). One of the best is relatives who provide conflicting opinions - going on about how expensive and ridiculous weddings are, followed by disbelief that we might not hire a limo, have a professional decorator, and "can't you just pay someone to do that for you?"
In spite of all my venting, I think I've managed to stick to what is most important to me, while compromising on the less important stuff (and note... I WILL be wearing flats hehe)
Ok, this is one thing I feel really strongly about. People who try and influence you and your FI are... ridiculous. It's about you guys, not them. I say PFFFFFT on them. My mom was INSISTANT that I spend the night at their house the night before the wedding - nope. I like my own bed, at my house, with my own stuff where I'm comfortable. Luckily, my now DH and my bridesmaids stood up with me and said no, she is staying at her house (regardless of what anybody says). lol. :) Just ignore them and do what you want - you'll be much happier that way.
My 2 cents :)
Bella
My FMIL is absolutely losing her mind because we aren't inviting her entire family to the rehearsal dinner. Yes, it would be lovely if we could include all family members, the wedding party, and even all OOT guests. However, just with members of the wedding party, our guest list totals 27 people. The additions, were we to invite my fiance's entire family, would literally double our guest list, and we just can't afford to pay for twice as many people. Mind you, FMIL isn't contributing a single cent toward our wedding (and actually, we're paying for a $150/night hotel room for my FILs for almost an entire week). But she still finds it totally acceptable to dictate how much money we should spend.
@ redherring - I hope she gets better at this... as long as you and FI stand firm on it, she'll probably back down or at least keep her thoughts to herself more often.
Bon Chance,
Bella
@redherring... The tradition is that the groom's family pays for that...so maybe you want to tell her to pay for the rehearsal dinner and she can invite all the family she wants to...
Actually, I tend to be a pretty traditional person. I think that many people view that a wedding isn't just about two people. It's about two people, two sets of parents, two separate families, and two sets of friends becoming one couple (a new immediate family), (parents and parents in law with a distinctive change in their immediate family in a sense a gain and a loss at the same time, a bigger combined extended family, and friends of a couple instead of friends of the bride or groom... Those changes begin at your marriage but the changes will continue and last the remainder of your life. The way you treat your family and friends at this time is a reflection of your thoughtfulness. If you exclude someone that they know has helped raise you because of a petty disagreement then they see the hurt of the other person. If you choose to deny a faith that they see as vital to their and your life, then their reaction is because they can't understand your reasoning... (Example, the aunt may have been told that you picked a boat for a simple wedding... not because you don't have a faith... so she can't figure out how a boat is simpler than a church.) The dress and the details may be about their vision of what a wedding looks like...but it may also be how they were raised about what is proper and fitting. The name thing is something that some families feel is a big deal, and other families don't care about... which is how each of us was brought up, and the compromise that is made at a marriage has meaning to each family. Giving up a maiden name is fine because there is a long standing tradition of going by your husband's name, but a new husband giving up his family name is offensive because there is no tradition to do so, and it is in essense a denial of his family. Women's family names are often passed down as middle names to keep it within the family... If someone is bugging you about a tradition... you might take it that they just really love you!
My sister had my mom walk her down the Isle. She was the rock in our family the provider etc. it was the logical choice. While the relationship with our father is far from perfect it wasnt terrible but I promise you on the day of the wedding (as well as many other days) my father and his wife made it very clear how upset they were. It was written all over their faces and in every picture they couldnt have looked more miserable. I agree. My wedding my rules. Just doesnt happen to be reality in my case!
Ah, the joys of getting married at the age of 56--there is no one left in a position to tell you how you should run your own wedding! We had everything from the world's first portable popup chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) to a processional in which my wife and I walked together hand in hand. And we didn't get a single complaint.
I've gotten some flack over this kind of stuff, but not as much as I expected, to be honest.
I think the WHY behind all the disbelief, arguments, disappointment, etc. is that people approach your wedding with certain expectations of you, and when you don't meet those expectations, it upsets them and they don't know how to react.
Expectations are a very dangerous thing.
There were actually a few things that I've called people out on: "Is there a reason besides tradition or your preconceived unspoken expectation that 'this is how it will be' that you want us to do xyz? No? Okay, can you even tell me WHY this is a wedding tradition? No? Well, we disagree with the origins of this 'tradition' and therefore won't be using it." Shuts 'em up pretty quickly.
(I think my family knew better than to expect much 'normal' out of me though; I've always been pretty rebellious, hahaha...)
i havent ancountered too much yet. i am having my mom walk me down the aisle. and needless to say my dad is not happy about that. but o well. he needs to get over it. also my mom could not understand why i want colored shoes haha! she thinks im crazy!
@Statutory Grape: tell me about it re:the religious pressure. My FMIL was so upset that we're not getting married in a church. It took her over a year to accept (she was asking before we were engaged!), and she still wants a blessing in a church. We're still trying to get her to understand that we don't want a pastor officiating. I am not a dramatic person at all, but that was the one thing I would not budge on. It made for some very awkward conversations.
I dont know any triditions we are even doing but no one has really said anything to me/ us about it because they know how I would react. - I don't care what you think of my wedding, thats why its mine and not yours :)
Oh, I breaking rules left and right. My fiance has already seen me in the dress. No veil. Shoes with spikes and studs on them. No ceremony music. No centerpieces and on and on and on. My friend gave me the best advice: "most of the sh-t that people give you now will just sound funny in the months after the wedding. I'd write them down."
Seriously--tell people that most wedding "traditions" aren't really traditions--most of them were created in the 20th century and a lot of them in the latter half of the 20th century, some of them solely for the sake of making money. Brides have been wearing white for a fraction of the time that they've been wearing whatever color their Sunday best came in.
you do exactly what YOU want , its your day you only do it once in your life so dont do things to keep others happy , one u and your husband to be want do it.
Most of my funny looks when I talk about breaking traditions have come from my FI. We're from a small town and he's been to like 3 weddings around here, all of which were very traditional-beautiful, but traditional. So, when I mention walking down the aisle to something other than "Here Comes the Bride" or getting married anywhere other than a church (I still wanted our minister to be the officiant... and it's not like I wanted the wedding to be in a gas station or something... just a nice outdoor ceremony) or a getaway car other than a limo... I'm met with lots of opposition. Having read WB for years, I've gotten so used to things like this, I guess I forgot that he hasn't seen them.
Here's a funny one: My FI and I were talking about what he and his groomsmen should wear. I mentioned that I thought a tan suit would look nice. He very adamantly informed me that he wanted a tux. I was SHOCKED, because this boy loves nothing more than a beer shirt and shorts when he's not at work.
His reasoning? "Because that's what the groom wears!"
it seems like EVERYONE has an opinion of what our wedding should be like. why are the bridesmaids wearing black? why are their dresses mismatched? why don't you want to wear a veil? why aren't you following every single jewish wedding tradition (my side)? why aren't you getting married in new york (his side)? why are the men wearing suits and not tuxes? why why why i swear it's all i hear. i try to tune it all out. apparently most people haven't heard of this whole "making the wedding a reflection of the couple getting married" thing. or maybe they think they had the best wedding ever and our wedding should be just. like. theirs.
Oh yes, the bridesmaid dresses. That's the thing my mother and I have gone round and round on. She just doesn't get that they don't HAVE to be the same. I'm going with one color, three different dresses. Because I have three different bridesmaids.
Ugh...my grandma has almost cried over the fact that my BMs shoes won't match their dress and my STD will NOT be a postcard with our picture on it. It doesn't fit my theme!
And my florist completely belittled all of my ideas. Especially those for centerpieces. She also didn't go for the idea of my BMs holding clutches with one flower coming out of the clutch. It's my wedding, not hers. And I don't want a unity candle. I just don't...so don't try to talk me into one! Just because I want to be different doesn't mean everything will look horrible. Ugh, the whole thing makes my blood boil just thinking about it. I don't understand why people you are paying for a service have to give you unwanted advice.
@SoonToBCJ: same! and then one of the BM's moms called my mom to tell her she didn't like the idea. didn't like black, didn't like mismatched, thought i should start over. ummmmm........
(and no, i don't think the actual BM has a problem with it)
Tradition! Tradition!
I can sympathize. The moment we got engaged it was "You do what YOU want, it's Your day. My parents had their day pretty much run for them, and they didn't want to do that to me. They still managed to have some Major influence, though.
1. The reception. We wanted a tiny afternoon (2pm) wedding with a dessert reception-cake, petite fours, coffee and wine. Very small and elegant. This shocked both sides. "There's not a meal? Why isn't their a meal? You're not feeding your guests!?" Oy! We ended up with a tea by adding plenty of finger foods and teas to make certain people (both sets of parents) happy...and they're still not buying it a month to the wedding.That's one area I'm putting my foot down on, though.
2. Veil here, too. Could NOT find one I liked, so I decided not to wear one. My mother went on and on about how dissapointed my Dad would be. I found one I Loved eventually.
3. The boquet. I wanted a colorful one, all different shades of roses. My dad was pretty shocked that I didn't go traditional white. I'm going colorful (white washes me out!) and putting it on my grandparent's grave rather than tossing it.
4. The tuxes. My hubby to be fell in love with a tux with a mandarin colar. I think he looks quite dashing in it...but he's gotten some flack from some very traditional friends (including his best man and groomsman) I know bothers him a lot.
5. He'll see me before the wedding. We're staying the the same apt the night before and having breakfast together on the wedding day. (I think it's cute and romantic!) We're having photos done before the wedding with a reveal (he has not seen the dress/shoes/veil) to avoid the typical lag between ceremony and reception.
6. Gowns. The bridesmaids are in matching color/fabric and different gowns as they are different ladies. Their shoes don't match, either. I told them to wear black shoes they already had and would wear again.
I haven't come across too many negative reactions yet, but I've been keeping mum about wedding planning to avoid naysayers. I mentioned it to a few people early on and got some negative reactions so I've decided to keep quiet about it ever since. So far:
(1) Mentioned to FI's friend who is a self-confessed wedding planning addict that I wasn't having a wedding cake or or using real flowers. She rolled her eyes. Then again, she had also sent me a list of Photographers and Bakers, and seemed to be seriously offended when I didn't choose anyone from her list.
(2) I mentioned to my sister BM that I wasn't doing favors. She was very dissapointed. Favors are actually the first thing I eliminated from the wedding because unless they are edible, I never take them.
I really can't wait to see their reactions to the other non-traditional stuff I have up my sleeves. =)
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I was thinking about this earlier because of so many posts on here. Why do people have such a problem with couples breaking different traditions if it's what the bride and groom want? I've seen a lot of bees experience unnecessary drama over this. My father was upset when I said my brother was walking me down the aisle. He told me that he had no right because he wasn't my father. We've had a bad relationship and I understand that he'd be upset. But at first he wasn't coming to the wedding at all. Now he's told me he'll probably come to the ceremony if it's semi-close but not the reception because he feels like I don't want him there. I guess this can be a thread to share unwanted drama stemming from going against traditions.