Weddingbee boards

Anybody else have a parent or parents who flipped when you moved in with your fiance? Long story, but spent an embarrassing fifteen minutes crying into the phone today at a coffee shop, after finding out that my dad is really angry at me for moving in with my fiance before our wedding. It's a weird mixture of fear of disappointing him (too late for that, i guess), and just plain ol' fear of getting yelled at. Can anyone relate? Just wanted to vent, I guess. :(

Well my boyfriend and I lived together but it took 2 weeks of negotiating and begging before we got their (reluctant) approval. They are just fine with it now, but they still won't let us share a room when we go to their house for holidays!

Sorry you're having a tough time.  Are you the oldest in your family?  Do you think he just had an angry reaction or an anger that will stick with him?

Hope things smooth out a bit.  Good luck.

@texaslawgirl - that's funny about the holidays! I guess whatever keeps them happy. :) If I had been brave, I would've tried the negotiating, begging. Instead, I brought it up a couple times several months ago, and dad just said to ask mom (who said sure). So, now I just have to deal with him being mad for awhile I guess, and telling me he's going to pray for me and that I'm a bad daughter for disobeying him.

@bvig - Thanks. I'm the youngest, so maybe that makes it worse because I'm the "baby" of the family. My siblings are sympathetic, but not much they can do to help, really, except offer moral support for me. I guess you can probably tell from my description above that his anger might stick for awhile!

We were in a similar situation, only with us being in our 30's and both owning our own homes, we never asked for permission to live together once my house had sold.  My dad was similar, more disappointed than anything, however since we live in another state 5 hours away we finally came to the agreement that we just wouldn't tell anyone in my hometown we lived together.  My parents are fairly conservative and attend a conservative rural church, so it was also an issue of "what everyone would think".  Eventually it got better...by the time of our wedding (almost a year later) dad was fine with it.  Regardless, I'm sorry you are going through this, and I do think it's worse with the "baby" of the family...parents can be a bit more protective.  Hang in there, hopefully he'll come around!

I'm sorry that they are making you feel bad about what is a joyous time. Congratulations on your new home with your FI. Remember that your relationship is between you and your FI. Celebrate it.

Thank you, all, for your kind words. It's helping to keep me grounded and reminding to look at the big picture. Before I start loading up the car (moving day 1!)...

@ggsb: Gosh, it makes me feel better to hear that the same kind of thing can happen to you at any stage of your life... I can see him being like your dad - fine with it by the time the wedding rolls around next year! I also wonder if it's an issue of "what everyone else will think."

@Mjbroksan: Oh no, I'm sorry your mom made you feel guilty about moving in together. I hope that works out okay for you, good luck. That must be so hard. :( Hugs to you too.

@cheerful: I know you're right. Now the effort must go into remembering it and making it my reality! At least one positive thing I can think of is this - if I didn't care about my family at all, this wouldn't even bother me, and I guess I wouldn't trade my family even for this bit of drama.

@littlebug: no more "verbal problems" - that says it all! I'm so sorry you and your fiance had to go through that on his first meeting with your parents. That must have been awful. :( I hope that gets better over time. I haven't heard from my dad yet... I keep expecting him to show up on my doorstep or something lecture me/cry at me in disappointment.

@amanda_v: thank you. I completely understand. You're so lucky you get to move in together in three weeks with your family's full approval and blessing. Lucky, and patient! I really admire that. :) All the best to you on your happy, happy day! That's soo soon.

@ia_snowflake and gabgal: true, true! these are all such valid and rational points to make. Someday I'll try making them, but for now, there may be no reasoning or trying to make my dad happy. Ugh, I'll find out whenever he speaks to me again. But, they do make ME feel better, so thank you!

Have a great day, everyone, and thanks again. Back to the moving!

Thanks, everybody. I tried to keep all this wisdom in mind, as I just got off the phone with my mom. She told me that although she's okay with us moving in together, my dad has been extremely sorrowful the past few days and wants me to move in with my sister and her husband, and that my mom will make up my share of the rent in the new place I have with my fiance. Of course, I started bawling, then hyperventilating, which is what happens when I try to stop crying and talk at the same time. I pretty much said I couldn't do that, but that fiance and I are willing to do a courthouse marriage, and that it only takes 5 days to get a marriage license here. As soon as mom heard that, she said no no, if I did that, that would make her sad, and not to worry about anything and under no circumstances should I have a courthouse marriage. :( 

There's just so much going on right now: I wish I could just enjoy the fact that we're finally moving into a new home together; I also have to worry about school, because I just started a grad program; and tomorrow is our third anniversary. 

it was a little awkward when we first moved in together, but then I moved three states away for two years and by the time we moved back in together, my parents bought us a house!  So it can be negotiated and worked out, but you have to remember that our parents are from a different generation and the sort of things we think of as normal and necessary are very strange and scary to them.

Hi everyone, just wanted to give an update on the situation. We just got Internet at our new place, and I have been so Weddingbee-deprived for the past week. I wanted to say thank again to everyone who wrote on this post and left me such amazing and supportive comments. I think I already said this earlier, but it really helped keep me grounded in my decision, especially knowing that so many other people had gone through similar drama with their families.

I think I left off with the phone conversation I had with my mom, when she informed me that my dad wanted me to move in with my sister, and that my mom would pay my rent so my fiance could stay at our new place by himself. My response was to start bawling and offer to elope, if that would make my dad happy. Well, after this, my mom went to my dad and firmly told him that it was really upsetting to her to see ME so upset, and that he needed to chill out and accept that it was really okay for my fiance and me to be living together. Basically, she faced up to him for the first time in our family history -- in the past, whatever my dad has said was basically IT. There was no arguing or questioning him. I suppose he started to feel bad, because he is speaking to me now and acting semi-normal, but he hasn't mentioned at thing and I can tell it is still bothering him. But that's great progress, for now! And yes, I love my mama. (And dad, of course, but thank goodness for moms!).

One surprising development was that my fiance and I went to meet the pastor at the church where we will get married, and the pastor turned out to be the most amazing, progressive, kind, and awesome pastor I have ever met. I think my dad thought that the pastor woud disapprove of our moving in together, but far from it. The pastor even offered to talk to my dad on my behalf... I'm so happy that we found this person to do our wedding!

Sorry so long, and again, THANK YOU to all of you beautiful bees. I really appreciate it. :)