Post # 1
Anybody else have a parent or parents who flipped when you moved in with your fiance? Long story, but spent an embarrassing fifteen minutes crying into the phone today at a coffee shop, after finding out that my dad is really angry at me for moving in with my fiance before our wedding. It’s a weird mixture of fear of disappointing him (too late for that, i guess), and just plain ol’ fear of getting yelled at. Can anyone relate? Just wanted to vent, I guess. 🙁
Post # 3
Well my boyfriend and I lived together but it took 2 weeks of negotiating and begging before we got their (reluctant) approval. They are just fine with it now, but they still won’t let us share a room when we go to their house for holidays!
Post # 4
Sorry you’re having a tough time. Are you the oldest in your family? Do you think he just had an angry reaction or an anger that will stick with him?
Hope things smooth out a bit. Good luck.
Post # 5
@texaslawgirl – that’s funny about the holidays! I guess whatever keeps them happy. 🙂 If I had been brave, I would’ve tried the negotiating, begging. Instead, I brought it up a couple times several months ago, and dad just said to ask mom (who said sure). So, now I just have to deal with him being mad for awhile I guess, and telling me he’s going to pray for me and that I’m a bad daughter for disobeying him.
@bvig – Thanks. I’m the youngest, so maybe that makes it worse because I’m the “baby” of the family. My siblings are sympathetic, but not much they can do to help, really, except offer moral support for me. I guess you can probably tell from my description above that his anger might stick for awhile!
Post # 6
We were in a similar situation, only with us being in our 30’s and both owning our own homes, we never asked for permission to live together once my house had sold. My dad was similar, more disappointed than anything, however since we live in another state 5 hours away we finally came to the agreement that we just wouldn’t tell anyone in my hometown we lived together. My parents are fairly conservative and attend a conservative rural church, so it was also an issue of “what everyone would think”. Eventually it got better…by the time of our wedding (almost a year later) dad was fine with it. Regardless, I’m sorry you are going through this, and I do think it’s worse with the “baby” of the family…parents can be a bit more protective. Hang in there, hopefully he’ll come around!
Post # 7
My family feels the same way my father passed away 2 years ago and My fi and I talked about moving in together a few months ago. My mom did not like that idea and said something about “if your dad were here”. so yeah I felt completely guilty then but I dont think its a huge thing if your engaged. your on your way to marriage its just more practical. *HUGS*
Post # 8
I’m sorry that they are making you feel bad about what is a joyous time. Congratulations on your new home with your FI. Remember that your relationship is between you and your FI. Celebrate it.
Post # 9
Thank you, all, for your kind words. It’s helping to keep me grounded and reminding to look at the big picture. Before I start loading up the car (moving day 1!)…
@ggsb: Gosh, it makes me feel better to hear that the same kind of thing can happen to you at any stage of your life… I can see him being like your dad – fine with it by the time the wedding rolls around next year! I also wonder if it’s an issue of “what everyone else will think.”
@Mjbroksan: Oh no, I’m sorry your mom made you feel guilty about moving in together. I hope that works out okay for you, good luck. That must be so hard. 🙁 Hugs to you too.
@cheerful: I know you’re right. Now the effort must go into remembering it and making it my reality! At least one positive thing I can think of is this – if I didn’t care about my family at all, this wouldn’t even bother me, and I guess I wouldn’t trade my family even for this bit of drama.
Post # 10
The same happened to me. My dad actually told my FI that he was disrespecting him and my mom by not obeying them. THEN told him that his family clearly wasn’t “christian enough” because they were ok with us moving in together. It was awful and ugly and i didn’t speak to them for almost a month.
And that was the first time he ever stayed with my family. So now it’s like pulling teeth to get him to visit my parents, and I don’t blame him! Ugh. Hope your parents turn around soon. Mine eventally did, they aren’t happy, but they don’t give us any more verbal problems…
Post # 11
I hate that they are making it hard on you. I hate that your dad flipped out. *hugs*
FI and I don’t live together. We don’t stay the night with each other either. Our families would have a cow! LOL. But that’s how we were raised. We would LOVE to move in together, but we respect our families. (I’m not saying that you don’t, dear) FI lives on his families land, and if I were to move in with him now, his uncle would charge him rent. But we got 21 more days, then we get to live together! 😀 We’ve waited almost 2 years for it! LOL!
It’ll be okay honey. You’re parents may be upset right now, but that won’t make them stop loving you! 🙂
Post # 12
I hope it works out for you. This is your decision and if this is what you and your FH want, then you should do it. I can see for religious reasons why your dad may be against this, but for other reasons – this is a way for you “practice” being together. How else will you know if you can work day to day together and deal with budgets and everything else?
Post # 13
We did but it was because we were living in two separate apartments very far from our families. We asked our parents before hand for permission though. I understand why there may be some hesitation but one argument that my MOM actually brought up was … what if you move in together and you just cant live together? you can love each other all you want but if you cant live with someone, it wont work….
you could try that argument for your dad!
Post # 14
@littlebug: no more “verbal problems” – that says it all! I’m so sorry you and your fiance had to go through that on his first meeting with your parents. That must have been awful. 🙁 I hope that gets better over time. I haven’t heard from my dad yet… I keep expecting him to show up on my doorstep or something lecture me/cry at me in disappointment.
@amanda_v: thank you. I completely understand. You’re so lucky you get to move in together in three weeks with your family’s full approval and blessing. Lucky, and patient! I really admire that. 🙂 All the best to you on your happy, happy day! That’s soo soon.
@ia_snowflake and gabgal: true, true! these are all such valid and rational points to make. Someday I’ll try making them, but for now, there may be no reasoning or trying to make my dad happy. Ugh, I’ll find out whenever he speaks to me again. But, they do make ME feel better, so thank you!
Have a great day, everyone, and thanks again. Back to the moving!
Post # 15
I hope this works out for you! I can’t relate b/c my parents ENCOURAGED us to live together and were okay with it.
All I can tell you, is I know it sucks, but you are an adult and are fully capable of making your own decisions in life. If your parents don’t support you, so be it, but you have to do what is right/best for you and makes YOU happy. It is your life, sweetie, and you don’t need your parents’ approval to do what you want. They flipped out, but at least they haven’t forbad you or threatened you about the wedding. They’ll get over it.
It’s better to live with someone you love dearly and plan on marrying than some random dude, right? =]
Let him chill out. He’s realizing that he can tell you he’s “disappointed/upset/angry” but in the long run, you’re going to do what you want anyway. It’s a big fat realization that suddenly his opinion doesn’t mean as much anymore and that can be a shock to his ego. Maybe he’s just extra sensitive about you growing up and living with a boy! oh no!
Post # 16
Long story short but that is how my first marriage started. We were young and planned on moving in together. I gave in to my FIL who said they would DISOWN my ex if he moved in with me…so we got married instead (which was completely wrong). Stick to your convictions. I said if I ever got married again we would have to live together before hand. Good luck to you!