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I was reading everyone’s posts thinking to myself “Please let a situation similar to mine come up, please!”. I was hoping to find advice and guidance from someone in a similar situation, but perhaps I’ll just share my story. Its not typical.. honestly, its just plain horrible.
I met my fiancee about 4 years ago. He immigrated from a foreign country, and always told he that he had a green card when we first started dating. I later came to find out his visa was expired a few months into our relationship, however, I thought, What the hell, I’m in love. So I continued seeing him. We love each other very much, however, deep down I never thought he was “the one”. He is always very serious, has a dictator like manner to him, a very dry horrible sense of humor, and a very old school masculine air to him. Of course that didnt bother me too much as he is very attractive, or so I thought. As the years went by, I developed a love/hate relationship with him.
It gets worse. 2.5 years into our relationship he got caught by the border patrol and immigration officials up by Canada. Usually they let you go on bond right away and you await trial for a few years, however, he had a criminal record, (I KNOW!!) and we had to fight to get his bond. His lawyer told him the only way to prevent deportation is to have him marry me as I am a citizen. So he proposed to me, and I CRIED and said no! We argued for a few hours until he finally pressured me into saying Yes.
I havent started planning anything yet for the wedding as I clearly don’t want to go through with this. But can I live with myself knowing that I could have saved him from getting deported back to a horrible 3rd world country yet chose not to? I do still love and care for him, obviously. I’m just young, 22, and not ready to marry! 
He has put everything on my shoulders. I don’t know what to do. His fate rests in my hands, in a sense.
I know its horrible, but, I’ve thought about hiring a private investigator/female decoy to try to seduce him so that I would have some reason for leaving him that would not make me look like a horrible, insensitive person. I feel like after reading these words, I think I’m a little off my rocker.
Jesus Christ, what to do ?
Absolutely do not marry someone you don't want to marry and cannot see yourself spending a happy future with. It is not your fault he's in this situation, it's his. There are legitimate ways to go about doing things, and this isn't it.
This has nothing to do with you and it's unfair of him to make it so.
For reasons I don't want to get into publically I am a US citizen who knows a good deal about US immigration issues, please trust that at least a little bit when I offer my perspective.
Do not marry him. Do not. There are millions of people from 3rd world countries who are wonderful people who want to come to the US, or other 1st world countries. They will do anything to get here. There are millions who petition to come here legally and who use proper channels of citizenship or permanent residency to come. Some cannot, and that is a shame, but you cannot save all of them. I know how tough that is. I live in a 3rd world country and I work on international human rights issues. But marrying someone you do not love who has manipulated you is not the solution.
Second, this person has lied to and manipulated YOU. He has lied to and manipulated our country and committed criminal offenses. He does not deserve to be here. There are millions of immigrants who DO deserve to be here (I am marrying the son of one) but he is not one of them. He does not deserve you.
If you feel deeply about the conditions of the country where this man is from, send money through a notable charity, lobby your congressmen to impact US policy towards that country, or volunteer to help refugees from that country. That will do a whole lot more good than marrying someone whom you do not love who treats you poorly and has committed several major mistakes in his life and concealed them from you.
Wish you all the best.
@LadyEvar: I'm just worried his friends and family will hate me when he gets deported. they keep telling me, please do it soon so you can save him.. I dont want a man who needs saving :( Or a long complex legal battle. (Marrying him is only the beginning, we still have to go through interviews and trials to get him to stay) . I always pictured marrying a normal, successful, simple man. Not this whole mess.
@indiblue: He's not horrible, hes just not the one :( Im feel so guilty letting him go through this himself, but I'm just so sick and tired of it. I wish he would just break up with ME so that I wouldnt feel so guilty. Alas, I dont think that is going to happen as I am his ticket to this country. Sigh.
He is marrying you because "you are the ticket to this country." That is not a reason to marry someone.
Do you really want to marry into a family who would "hate you" if you broke off the engagement because you do not love him? I wouldn't. I would want to marry into a family who was overjoyed that their son found someone he loved and cherished, and would be sad if we broke up because it didn't work out, not so he could live in the US. I don't know if they are in the US or another country but if it's the latter they are probably pinning their hopes on coming to the US through him. Like I said, I know am integrally connected to immigration to the US and a lot of families I encounter daily push their son/daughter to marry a US citizen so they can petition to come here as well.
Things sound pretty bad for you now, and getting married is not going to improve them. You are not happy and things are only going to get worse. That is no way to start a marriage.
It sound slike the only thing keeping you from breaking off the marriage is guilt that he would have to go back to his home country. It is not your responsibility to keep him here. You did not tell him to come here and overstay illegally. You did not create the conditions in his home country. It is not on you to "fix" the situation. There are many ways immigrants can move to a new country legally, above-board, without emotional manipulation of another person and legal manipulation of the law. There are a lot of problems in this world (including related to US immigration law and third world country problems) but they do not rest on your shoulders to fix. You cannot fix them. You can help via ways I mentioned in my previous post, but not through marrying someone.
@indiblue: I know you are right, indiblue. :( But how do I do it? I'm just so terrified.
A friend of mine was actually in a similar situation. His girlfriend pressured him to get married six months after they started dating because she needed a green card. At first he agreed, against all the objections of his friends and family because they knew she wasn't the right person for him...but it took a while for him to realize that for himself and break off the relationship. She was extremely angry at the time, but now he is married to a woman who is a much better match for him. He realizes now how unhappy he actually was in the course of the other relationship and still says all the time how lucky he was to get out of that "engagement" before they got married. Please don't get married if you know he isn't the right person for you -- his green card is not your responsibility. Why did he even lie to you about it in the first place?
You need to tell him honestly that you felt pressured into 'yes', and remind him originally your answer was 'no for a reason! Tell him it's not working, and you care about him, but you can't make such a huge sacrifice for someone who tried to bully you into a HUGE, life-changing decision for his own benefit!
It's not really your fault if he gets deported. I have great sympathy for immigrants, that's not what it's about. He's an adult. He's made certain choices in his life that he has to live with. he needs to handle them on his own, not bully a 22 year old girl into solving his problems for him. This applies especially since it would be at your great expense!
You know you shouldn't do it. You just have to muster up the courage to tell him.
@instantcoffee: I guess he was worried that I wouldnt want to date someone "illegal". He came clean a few months into our relationship. I just never expected him to get caught by immigration. He never pressed marriage on me until his lawyer advised him to do so. He still continued to say its because he loves me and wants to get married, not just because his lawyer is advising him to. i dont believe it.
my friend once a boyfriend who would threaten suicide if she broke up with him and i feel your FI is trying to do the same thing - thats make you feel responsible for his life and thats not only unfair but its abusive
OF COURSE his friends are asking you to help him - they are his friends so they are fully aware you are being used for his end means
of course a good person doesnt wont to be responsible for sending someone back to a 3rd world country but its not your responsibility to save him - hes already made bad choices in the past, dont allow him to get away with manulipulating you, im guessing hes a bit of an expert at it
my friend above, thank god she did get away from that guy and the man she is now with is from Iraq and one of their rules was he gains citizenship on his own before they married - that way she/everyone will know that 1, he was welcomed to this country for the good person he is and 2, he didnt marry her to gain citizenship
@Baimee: Ahhh. It just sucks because I could have continued having a relationship with him if it wasnt for this huge huge mess. I mean, i dont think i would have married him, but still .. i think i would feel differently about him if he wasnt involved in this mess. maybe id actually want to marry him if he was "normal" ?? I dont know, all i know is that i resent him ..
@eloping: oh wow how horrible. it just makes me think, maybe my situation isnt that bad. everything is fixable. thank u
Nancy, your situation IS bad - i just wanted to point out that i feel your guy is no less abusive than someone that threatens suicide, its about forcing you do something you do not want to do and being miserable/feel responsible for him
@eloping: i see, you are right. it doesnt help that hes actually very nice and loving despite everything he has put us through. i know this will break his heart as well :(
Marrying him does not prevent a long legal battle. In fact, it probably will make it worse. Do you know it is a federal crime to marry someone so they can stay in the country? Don't think that INS will drop his deportation just because you marry. In fact, then there will be intense scrutiny on both of you. My brother married a woman who was here illegally. They were legitimately married, at least in my brother's eyes. iNS grilled them on very picky questions separately. When they didn't come up with the exact same answers, INS made the administrative determination that their marriage was a fraud. They started to prosecute my brother and deport her. We had to hire a criminal lawyer at great expense to keep my brother from going to prison. If you are at all unsure about marrying this man and are being coerced, do not marry him. You are risking your entire future. Not to mention the fact that it sounds like even if you weren't prosecuted, you would be miserable. You are young. Do not waste your life.
One of my best friends was in a similar situation. She married a guy from a 3rd world country while she was there on a short term assignment and he moved to the US with her. It was a pressured marriage in that it was not really socially acceptable for them to date if they did not intend to marry and she felt it was worth giving him a chance. They moved together to the US and she/her parents sponsored him. She was 23 and he, 20 when they got married, she filed divorce papers at 24. Like you, she said she never though he was the one but he was an attractive, nice guy and she cared deeply for him and she felt he loved her and the only way for him to return home with her when she did and give their relationship a chance was if they married. Their relationship was not strong enough to handle such a situation where he could not get a steady job and needed to depend on her for everything while his visa was being sorted. She eventually bought him a plane ticket and asked him to leave, he begged her to stay, he called her from the airport across the country on his layover and begged her to take him back. She felt guilty making him go back and that she had a responsibility to help him. They agreed on taking some time apart to reevaluate but their relationship was abusive and she realized when he was gone that she could not remain in that relationship. I am proud of her for finding the courage to say no even though it was not an easy decision for her. Anyway, after a year of searching for him to sign the papers, they finally got divorced. She got stuck with his medical bills from when he was in the US, visa fees and divorce costs. She accepted these financial responsibilities without question but I wanted to point out to you that you will be financially responsible for your husband if you marry him and sponsor his citizenship. You can not go into a marriage under pressure.
Go to visajourney.com to get an idea of the visa process you would be committing to go through with your FI. It is costly, stressful and intended to weed out green card marriage. I too have a non-citizen fiance and am currently living in the EU as a non-citizen so I totally understand the desire to marry in order to be in the same place BUT you need to want to spend the rest of your life with this man and trust him with all your self. If you decide to sponsor his visa, you are responsible for him and all of his actions until he has citizenship which I understand takes years. We currently live outside the US so I have not started the process but there are some bees on here that have already gone through it and can confirm it is not insignificant.
I agree with @namarie. You would be taking on a HUGE legal risk that could land you in jail for years. Any man who loves you should not put you in this position and at very least has to understand that you cannot risk your future for him and his mistakes. It's unfortunate, and a very, very hard decision, but at the end of the day, he knew what he was risking by staying in the country illegally.
I would like to add, as a future bride who is engaged to the man of my dreams, that I really encourage you not to settle, for any reason. It is the most special and amazing feeling. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.
I would think that by marrying him just to help him get his card you are going through with an illegal marriage. Beyond that, from what you have said you are not ready and he is not the one. Do not marry him just becuase of pressure. Tell his friends and family that you love him, but you cannot marry him. If you have to get away, then find somewhere to stay, away from them, until this all blows over.
After all this time he hasn't taken any responsibility for himself in trying to get his visa, or trying NOT to get a criminal record. He lied to you about all of it and now wants you to solve his problems for you by making a HUGE sacrifice which you could get into a lot of trouble for. Don't feel bad, this is his doing, not yours.
Did you know that when you use your citizenship to vouch for them and they just remain a resident instead of becoming a citizen, and they receive any financial aid from the government that they don't pay back then you are responsible to pay that back? Even if you are no longer married....
It is very serious to vouch for someone, please look throughly into this and think about it long in hard.
Besides that, because the way you are feeling I would say do not marry him. There are so many people that got married when not being sure and would give Anthing to be able to go back and make a different decision.
Sweetie, this man's fate is NOT, IS NOT in your hands. His fate is in his OWN hands. He is a controlling, manipulative man who is trying to guilt you into marriage. That is NO way to ever begin a marriage.
You are 22 years old. You are attracted to him and you have strong feelings for him, but he is NOT the man that you want to marry -- NOW or EVER. You are feeling stuck in this situation because of how much time, energy, effort, and emotion you have INVESTED in it, and NOT because you have made a decision of your own free will that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
Do not let marrying this man even be a consideration. Break off this relationship NOW, take back your life, and do NOT allow him to control, manipulate or guilt you into looking back!
@Moja Milosc: I could not agree with this post more.
My second question is why would you continue to date someone you know is "not the one" after a year or so? There are so many (legal) fish in the sea who will not pressure you in to marraige because Immigration Services is knocking down their door. You're young. And you have plenty of time to find someone new. Marrying or even dating someone who would put you through this (with no payout of a legitmate marriage) is NOT worth the legal troubles you may put yourself in.
As for his friends and family... how much contact do you have with him? Do you see them on a regular basis? Do you have a ton of mutual friends as well? If no to any of these questions, you shouldn't care. If you broke up with a normal guy, you would most likely be cutting off ties from his family and friends too. This is not a huge deal in the long run, especially since you dont want them to become long term family and friends to begin with. And if you have mutual friends, then they might understand. Give them a chance to hear your side of the story.
Please dont marry this guy.
I know SO many girls who have married guys from all over the caribean, thinking they were in love only to be broken up,cheated on, abused after all the immigration stuff went through.
They were left with a huge bill for the immigration lawyers and some of them even had to cough up money when the bums went on welfare (you are responsible for him for several years after sponsoring him).
Please think about yourself.
@nancydrew22: Don't worry about the people who say "you're going to go to jail." You're not. You'd be marrying someone you're in a relationship with. ICE is more concerned about the people who fake relationships, not people who get married faster than they should. I'm not advocating you marry this man, though.
BUT - I take it neither of you have consulted with an immigration attorney. But for a few exceptions, in order for your boyfriend to stay, he would have to return to his home country anyway. Marrying an American citizen does not grant automatic residency status - especially if he is undocumented currently.
The process could take years, and possibly penalties would be involved. Perhaps sitting with an immigration attorney to get a realistic picture would allow you AND him to see that this isn't for the best?
@indiblue: Respectfully, since we're not sure WHICH 3rd world country he's from, he may not have even been eligible to immigrate here legally.
I get frustrated when I hear about how undocumented immigration is unfair to those who use the legal channels, because as you may already know, people from almost 2 dozen countries are BARRED from even applying for the visa lottery. So those people's only options are to petition for asylum or to be lucky enough to afford an specialized education that will enable them to get an employment visa. (Not likely, right?)
I think you should approach the breakup like any other breakup-- you said it yourself, you're not ready to get married right now. You want to live in your twenties a little longer. You had fun but now it's time to split ways and you wish him the best of luck.
Like any breakup, you're not going to see much of his friends/family. Yes, it will be awkward and they won't be happy with you, but you have to live your life for yourself.
Your story reminded me of this blog post from a woman who went through with her marriage because she also felt such guilt and responsibility: http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/06/reclaiming-wife-the-wedding-i-should-have-called-off/
You can't give up yourself to save someone else.
Agree with all PPs, but I have to say, not many have mentioned the fact that he LIED to you about having a criminal record. For perspective's sake, would you marry anyone that lied to you about having a criminal record? A citizen? Do they have to have a green card to make it okay to lie about having a criminal record? Citizenship issues aside, marrying someone who 'is not the one' and is 'dictator like' seems a little extreme, no?
I don't mean to be harsh, you seem to know what you need to do. But this is just NOT worth it. If his family and friends hate you for this, they're not understanding peoople and they're not worth your time. It will definitely be rough for a while, we can't deny that, but you will get past it and find someone who is worth your time and respect.
You know you have to do it. You just want some concrete things you can do to get you over the hump.
First, get a support team on your side--your friends and family and the Hive to keep you strong during the tough times. I would recommend getting a therapist to work during this time.
Second, write a list of all the reasons why it's not your fault he is in the position. why you don't want to marry him. Use this list at 2am when you start to doubt yourself. (As a side note--it's not enough for marriage that he is nice and attractive. Just because he's not completely the wrong guy, doesn't mean he's the right guy for you to marry)
Third, can you be out of town for a week immediately after breaking up? Go on vacation with a girlfriend, visit family, etc.
Fourth, can you stay with someone else for a few weeks where he and his friends don't know where you are (but can still go to class and/or work)
Fifth, get a temp burn phone. Give out that number only to people you want to talk to. Then block his number on your real phone and the number of his friends. Once they stop calling/texting, you can go back to using it.
Sixth, if people on FB give you sh**, unfriend them. Only people who support you should be friends with you.
Good Luck!!
Exactly what MMSVA said!
you know you don't want to do this, you should start gettiing a game plan together.
Didn't read every post-but I think you are being so incredibly selfless, and while that's admirable...think about you!! I know for me, I value the sanctity of marriage so much, that I wouldn't ever want to use the first marriage you'll ever have, for someone you don't want to spend your life with. It's not just a marriage for him, it needs to be something you do for YOU as well! I think he is being incredibly selfish, to want to take away something so precious from you, to avoid being deported. I think you should not worry about him, and worry about you. There's no point in wasting time with someone who you know isn't for you. I wouldn't tip toe around words with him either, it's wrong of him to expect you to go through with this without you actually wanting to be his wife. Stand up for yourself...good luck!
This is just wrong. He and his family are manipulating you into marrying him! Don't do it! It's not YOUR fault he's going back to his country, it's his for not going through the proper channels . If he gets sent back it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't do it.
Marriage is too much of a serious thing to go into half heartedly or not 100% sure about. It will only end in tears anyway, it would be best to cut the losses now, and find somebody you really want to marry for the right reasons as tough as it sounds :)
@mmsva: Ditto this! Great advice.
@nancydrew22: Break up with him, and don't feel bad about it. You need to take care of YOU (especially since he obviously isn't concerned with what is best for you). You don't owe him anything, and his citizenship is not your responsibility. He got himself into this mess, and he's a jerk for pressuring you to get him out.
Do not marry him. You are not responsible for him being deported if you don't marry him. That is his problem. You need to live your life for yourself. I wish you the best, and it sounds like marriage to this man is not part of the equation that equals best for you!
This is YOUR life. You need to NOT CARE if his friends/family "hate you". Doesn't his family live back in his country-- how could this effect you?
@nancydrew22: Think your way through what would happen if you get married. You know at some point there will be a divorce. In the best possible case, you both walk away with the emotional scars of a divorce. Worst case, he ends up doing things like PP have mentioned so you have thousands of dollars of debt *and* the emotional scars of divorce. (Actually worst, worst case, there are kids involved now)
Then think a while later, you meet someone you are crazy about and want to marry him. How do you explain what you did? How would he ever think you are serious about marriage when in the past you got married for such a wrong reason? How would you explain it to future children?
sorry if you still love him, but it is obvious you do not love him enough to marry him. from what you described, he sounds like a jerk and marrying him could make your life miserable.
you do not owe him or his family anything, and most importantly, you need to put yourself first.
Absolutely! That's what I was referring to when I said " There are millions who petition to come here legally and who use proper channels of citizenship or permanent residency to come. Some cannot, and that is a shame" as in, some cannot access/use proper channels of citizenship, which is regrettable. As I said in my follow-up post, there is a lot wrong in this world with US immigration laws and other things, but the OP cannot take it upon herself to fix them.
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