Post # 1
I broke up my engagement last week. I was fighting for this relationship for over 1,5 year but in the end I gave up. Fed up with being ignored, with lack of respect, wich lack of will to change anything. (My story: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/is-this-time-to-leave#axzz2tm9B5oSo )
I deluded myself that we could finish our relationship in peace. Agree that – though we love each other – it just didn’t work out.
My ex is blaming me for giving up. Saying it’s wrong and I’m breaking his heart. Saying it’s not me, it’s someone else made this decision. The cruelest thing he said is: “I think you never loved me”.
I love him and care about him, but I see no future for us. It feels like we’ve met at the wrong time of our lives. I don’t want this to get any more poinful. I want him to sort his situation and get what he deserves: life, peace, passion. I have no anger in me, I’m just very sad that I have to go and let go. I really thought this was to last forever…
I don’t know how to survive, you know. I can’t be back, though my heart could jump out of my chest and run to him. I can’t be back to the very same situation we had before I left. Nothing has changed and we haven’t changed either.
It’s so painful to read his emails and to hear him say ugly things, as if I was the only one to blame..
Post # 3
I read your other thread, you absolutely did the right thing. It hurts now, but it would have hurt so much worse had you gotten married. Good on you for having the strength to do it.
Post # 4
Think you need to block out his communications to you – they are hindering you from moving forward. Block his phone number, his emails, his facebook – you broke it off, there isn’t much point in hearing this abuse from him. Time will stand still as long as you permit him to keep attacking you.
Just remember – you can love someone but not BE IN LOVE with them… and being in love is what makes a marriage, in my opinion.
The things that are most difficult are there to make you stronger – this experience can help you to become a better person, if you let it.
Don’t let your ex drag you down to stay a person you don’t want to be anymore.
Post # 5
@MiniHeart: i remember your previous thread. it sounds like you did the right thing.
of course it’s going to hurt. of course it’s not going to be easy. right now you are feeling a loss. it’s natural to feel this way but it will get better. time heals. it really does.
stay positive. keep yourself busy and focused on yourself and your goals.
Post # 6
@MiniHeart: Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sounds so painful. Remember you did the right thing for you, and try to distract yourself with friends and other things. Watch comedies, read books. Take some time for you! Go get a massage or pedicure. It’s going to be ok.
Post # 7
I agree with PP. Block him. Each new contact from him (or when you have a weak moment and quickly check his facebook page) is new pain. You made what appears to be a smart and good decision for you future – one that is in line with your emotions. Use the pain you feel to improve yourself. Distract yourself by going to the gym, or taking a class or volunteering somewhere. It wlll get better.
Post # 8
@CakeyP: +1. You need to block communication from him. Change your email and phone number if necessary.
@MiniHeart: He can say all the hurtful things he wants, but YOU know the truth. You know that you loved him (and still love him). You know that you fought to make your relationship work. You know that letting him go is the right thing for both of you. You’re making the wise, smart, mature decision. Remember that and hold your head high…and don’t allow this man to have so much power over you. Someone who truly loves you isn’t going to go out of his way to hurt your feelings.
Eventually, this will get easier, but it will take some time. It’s normal to be going through all this pain — it’s only been a *week* since you broke up! In a month, it will be easier. The month after that, even better. Just take it day by day.
Post # 9
I think I’m reading something I could have wrote 4.5 years ago when I broke up with my ex. He used basically the same emotional blackmail on me. It got even worse when I started dating someone new. I cut him completely out of my life. I kind of want to look back at times, but I’m so much better not doing so.
Post # 10
@MiniHeart: Cut him out. Block his emails, phone, facebook, etc. etc. Make sure there is no way he can get in contact with you. You absolutely did the right thing.
Post # 11
My dear Bees, I’m trying to be nice… After all, he’s not a bad guy and I don’t want any revenge on him (“you made me suffer before, now I will make you suffer” – kind of thing). I still care about him a lot and would like to make it easier for him.
I’m picking up his calls, answering mails… All to make him understand WHY I’m leaving and make him sure it will be ok.
But all I get is: “You never loved me. You just gave up. You threw our love away and I thought I found someone for life when I asked you to marry me” 🙁
Post # 12
I saw your original thread and think you have absolutely made the right decision for yourself and your future by breaking it off with him. He was dragging you down in the worst of ways…and still is! You didn’t give up on him…(why is it always about him??)…you did this for you! Don’t let him emotionally blackmail or bully you into changing your mind or feeling bad about this decision.
Block contact with him for a bit, if not forever. If he can’t speak to you in a mature respectful manner. then he is not worthy to speak to you. The nasty things he is saying is only showing his true character. YOU were the mature one, hoping that the relationship would end peacefully. HE is the immature one, flinging hurtfull words around to make himself feel better. He sounds like a petulant child to be honest, not a man. You dodged a bullet, now you need to get on with your life and that means not talking to him, not reading his emails, just breaking it off and moving on.
Walk away from this one with your head held high! You did the right thing, absolutely the right thing.
Post # 13
What @canadajane: said. Trust me, been there done that! And he’s going through a grieving process. One stage is anger and he’s lashing out at you. It’s part of the process and you will both get passed it. Stay strong!
Post # 14
@MiniHeart: Just saw your update. You need to stop trying to make this easier on him….because he is using it as a chance to absolutely kill you inside. Stop taking his phone calls. Stop taking his emails. You’ve explained WHY you had to end it, and he’s still making this all about HIM. He’s making himself out to the be victim here, instead of seeing and understanding his role in the relationship’s demise.
Please stop torturing yourself by staying in contact with him. Its only going to hurt you more and prolong the healing period, and prolong you from moving on from him.
Post # 15
@MiniHeart: Ending a relationship, even when it’s a good idea, is hard. Your brain reacts to the presence of someone you love about like a drug (seriously- the same reward centers light up). So breaking that habit is like kicking a substance abuse habit- you HAVE to get away from the substance long enough for your body to recover.
Later- much, much later, when you’re no longer addicted to him, you can be friendly or see him occasionally and it may be fine, but for now, as other PPs have said, you need to stop communication. You don’t need to do it without warning- you can send him one last email that says “My decision is final; now we need some time apart to heal. Please respect my wishes and stop contacting me. I will not be opening any further emails from you or taking your calls. I wish you the best.”
And then stick by it. He is going through the very same withdrawal process and every time you engage him, his recovery from his you-addiction is set back a step (and he is probably deluding himself that your responses mean there is a chance of reconciliation). He’s also using that contact to be very cruel, and there is no reason for you to subject yourself to that. You did the right thing; sometimes the right thing is painful. Both of you will be happier in the long run because of the brave decision you made; you don’t have to accept the punishment he’s lashing out with in his immediate grief process.
Post # 16
*hugs* I’m so sorry its hard to do something like end an engagement. Good for you for doing what you felt was right.
Keep in mind too, that niceness and kindness is wasted on people who take advantage of it. If he is just using yours to make himself feel better or make you feel worse, than he doesn’t deserve anymore from you.