Post # 1
has anyone had to “break up” with a friend before? I have a friend who I don’t think it is a good idea to be friends with anymore, but I don’t want to end things super dramatically or on bad terms. we live in a small town and have a lot of mutual friends. I don’t hate her or anything, I just don’t think that she is adding anything but negativity to my life and I don’t need that. is there any way this can be done?
a little background: we were best friends, and she was honestly one of my favorite people before this fall when she just stopped talking to me for months. she eventually told me it was because she didn’t approve of some of my lifestyle choices and my “morals” and also some of my parenting choices. Now, obviously this really hurt my feelings and I also considered it shocking since the the thing that she had the biggest problem with was that I used to be an exotic dancer, something I was doing when we became friends, and something I stopped doing 5 years ago! I now have a much more traditional job and a wonderful fiance and a 4 year old daughter. I’m a pretty boring regular mom. while I understand her having a problem with my former chosen profession it seemed silly to bring it up 5 years after I stopped. she eventually apologized and told me how much she missed me we became friends again. however things just haven’t been the same since, I feel super judged by her all of the time, she only wants to hang out one on one and she only wants to hang out when she has something to complain about. she’s been going through a really hard time with the guy she has been dating and I’ve been there for her whenever she needs me. he broke up with her (they ended up getting back together) and I brought her food, and comforted her while she cried. last month I brought her to get her wisdom teeth out and then took care of her. basically I think I am a pretty good friend! she has been a pretty bad friend in return, making backhanded comments about my body and other weird crap. the icing on the cake is that she missed my daughters birthday last weekend, which wouldn’t have been a huge deal if I hadn’t told her it was really important to me that she be there and that my daughter really wanted her there. and she just didn’t show, not for a good reason, she went on a hike with her boyfriend instead. basically I feel like I don’t even know her anymore, and I don’t really like who she has become.
Post # 3
I would just let things fizzle out – basically, see her less, return her calls less – you get the picture.
I have been doing that with a few friends. One in particular said she’d come to my shower, and I was honestly shocked. Now she might not because of a move, but ah well – not super bummed about it.
Post # 4
@mrs_pudding_pop: yea, I stopped talking to a very good friend of mine because she stopped participating in our friendship. Weeks later when she finally realized that I wasn’t around, she reached out to me but only because she was “bored”, but I didn’t respond and she eventually she went away. People change and if you are really important to them they will pursue you, if not then you see where you stand. I think it’s really sad to lose a friend and it sucks that she judged you like that.
Post # 5
To answer your question – yes, I have had friendships end for some reason or another.
It’s okay for friendships to fizzle out (or end more dramatically, as sometimes that just happens) and you just move on. People grow apart for a variety of reasons and sometimes trying to hang onto a dying friendship can cause more trouble than it’s worth. In your case, I would just stop being that “good friend” that you’re used to being and let it die. She doesn’t sound like a very good friend and, honestly, do you really want her as a friend if she isn’t a good one? I’ll admit, I’m fairly intolerant and cold when people have wronged me more often than I can handle, though.
Post # 6
@mrs_pudding_pop: Fizzle out, that’s a good way to put it.
@Moonbear17: I would try this, let it fade. Sometimes this has to be very deliberate with you becoming increasingly busy. That shouldn’t be too hard- you have a fiancé and a young daughter. Call her less or don’t call. Ask for fewer details when she has drama.
I really hope it works… Friend break ups can be so hard when one person really wants to hold on to a bad relationship.
Post # 7
I agree with some other bees. Just let it fizzle out. No need to have a big conversation about it or anything. Just don’t answer her calls and make yourself unavailable. Then hopefully things will still be civil when you run into one another.
And yes, I’ve had a long term (10+ years) friendship end– just because I stood up for myself and my family. I guess I didn’t know this person as well as I thought I did. It was very hard for me, even though at the end of the day I knew it was the right thing to do.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, OP.
Post # 8
After my dad died I went through a lot of break ups with friends. I pretty much broke up with all of my girlfriends in my hometown. God, that sounds so horrible of me, I know it does. But these people were so bad for me. Some of them were alcoholics (and I used to be an alcoholic, until my dad died), some of them were mothers to children they never saw, but always wanted to hang out with me (uhhhh hang out with your kid before you worry about what I’m up to)…and all of them fell into the same category: I would have to go to their house or to a bar to hang out with them. The problem was that I had been stranded in another state for almost a year after my dad died, since I had dropped everything in my life to be with him, and I own a pretty big piece of land here at home and I needed time to rebuild my life when I finally came back to it. Some of my friends just couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to meet them at the bar. Some of them were mad at me for not “hanging out”.
My thoughts on this were: If we were really such close friends, these people would have been there for me during those dark times of my life. Not one NOT ONE of them would drive out to my house to spend time with me. I was always the one who had to drive the 45 minutes to town to hang out. I know my house isn’t the perfect or ideal hang out spot. You don’t get cell service at my house, we don’t have internet at home, and my house is a small cabin in the mountains. I guess these people are easily bored. But when it’s my dad’s one year anniversary (at this point its past two and a half years) and I invite you up to my home because I think we are such close friends that you would want to spend the day with me, and you can’t spare one hour of your time, maybe I really do need to dump you.
Only one of my relationships fizzled out drama-free. The dramatic breakups were kinda hard, I’m not gonna lie. I cried my eyes out for the friends that I lost, but I know that if they were still in my life I would be nothing but a bar rat and I wouldn’t have improved my living space in all the various ways that FI and I have. I’m glad that I kicked these girls to the curb. I have a vision for my life and it’s more than what they had to offer.
Post # 9
@Moonbear17: And I think its really rude of her to judge you for your old job! Especially since she was friends with you back then…why start having an issue with it now? And making comments on your body…not cool…
Post # 10
@boogiewoogies: yeah, I found it strange and upsetting, I mean it’s not like there is anything I could do about it now, and while I’m not ashamed of my past it’s not something I’m going to do again so there was really no point other than to be hurtful. And it’s not exactly like this girl has been a nun and made 100% great choices for herself either, I think it’s just a way to make her feel better about herself honestly.
@boogiewoogies: I totally get this. I feel like despite the fact that i’ve been through more than my fair share of crap in my life I’ve still managed to eb a decent person and a good friend, and now that I have my life together and I have got my life to where I want it and I am very happy I just don’t have any tolerance for “frenemies”. you are totally right, about not keeping friends that are holding you back, I worked my ass off to get to where I am today and how is someone who is trying to make me feel like crap helping that in any way? for what it’s worth a cabin in the mountains sounds like an awesome place to live and to hang out!