Weddingbee boards

Hi Bees, I need your help.  This is going to be the longest post ever so please bear with me here.  I hope to present to you a truthful depiction of the situation (as unbiased as I can be) so you can give me accurate advice and share your opinions.  I’m posting under an alias, but I’m a regular here on WB.  I’ve written you a book...presented in two parts:

Part I

I moved to Chicago a little more than a year ago from GA.  While I was living in GA, I worked a part-time retail job for the clothing discount.  I befriended several people during my first year there.  Sometime during my last year there (before my move to Chicago) another female employee came on board and wiggled her way into my life.  Lets just call her Jane.  Well, Jane is the complete opposite of me.  I am shy and quiet when people first meet me.  I get extremely nervous in public situations and being center of attention (so nervous about walking down the aisle in front of everyone).  Jane on the other hand is loud, somewhat obnoxious, and likes being on stage (she still participates in theater).  Not sure if this is important to my situation, but she is on ADHD meds as well as some type of heavy anti-depressant.  

We hung out a few times in group situations.  At one party, I brought my boyfriend (now FI).  Jane’s husband, John, got into a fist fight with his brother in the kitchen.  My FI decided we were leaving at this point.  I also babysat for her two times while she had to work another job (she had two) and she paid me.  Another time, I hung out at her house with another co-worker while her husband and children were out of town.  She asked us to stay overnight with her, and we did.  The next day, while leaving her house, I was in a car accident when someone ran a red light.  This was a week before I was moving out of state.  My car was in the shop and would not be ready until after I moved (FI already moved to start his new job in Chicago...the reason for our move).  She offered to drive me to the apartment and help me pack.  I know right now you are probably thinking, “what’s the problem” and I completely understand.  There was no problem at the time.  She was just a co-worker, and we were friendly.  Her helping me pack was the only time we’d ever done anything outside of work on our own together.  I guess what I am trying to convey to you is that we were not best of friends, did not talk on the phone, and--besides our common job--didn’t have much in common.  She is married with two young children, and I was simply dating my boyfriend and moving to be with him.

Flash forward to Chicago.  I really thought our friendship would fizzle since I never felt that close friend chemistry with her.  But Jane had my cell number and was a friend on Facebook.  She kept in touch, and then came the big doozie (and it’s ultimately my fault).  She knew my car was still in GA, and once the repairs were done, I’d have to fly down and drive my car up to Chicago.  I’d already made the trip with FI’s car, so it wasn’t a big deal to me.  However, she insisted that she drive it up for me.  Jane said her husband “owed” her a weekend away from him and the kids, and she’d never been to Chicago before.  I have a hard time being assertive, saying no, and standing my ground, especially with people who have overbearing personalities like Jane.  I should have said no, but she made it seem like I was doing her a big favor, so I said yes.  Of course, she stayed with us for a weekend, we paid for all of her meals, and I purchased her plane ticket home.  She ended up leaving a day early to go to an audition with was fine with me.

Jane continued to keep in touch from time to time on Facebook, possibly even with an occasional phone call, I can’t really remember.  But, what I do remember is that she initiated all contact.  I was simply responding to her out of guilt.  Jane constantly reminded me that she “drove 12 hours” and was the first person to stay in our apartment.  It’s not like we live in the Taj Mahal...it’s an apartment!  And I NEVER asked her to drive my car up.  She suggested it, and even when I said no, she insisted and I gave into her.  During her stay, she helped me put together a table from Ikea.  On Facebook, I had posted pics of our new place.  Jane seriously requested that I give her credit for helping put the table together.  Being the pushover that I am, I changed my photo comment to reflect this.

Part II
Last December, we announced our engagement.  Jane was congratulatory from afar and made a Facebook comment about having over a year to lose weight before our wedding.  BIG MISTAKE #1 on my part for never correcting her.  She made the comment less than a month after our engagement, before we booked any venues, or started forming a guest list.  I just brushed it off.  However, from that moment on, she assumed she was going to be a guest at our wedding.  For the holidays I was going to visit family in GA with FI.  Jane said she took off from work, and she and her husband wanted to take us out for dinner.  I was only planning to be in GA for 3 days and really wanted to spend that time with family, not someone I felt was just an acquaintance.  Plus, FI only met them once and his opinion was not very high after seeing John fight at a party.  I felt guilty because she told me she took off (though I never requested it and didn’t even plan on seeing her) so I asked my sister if I could invite her over for New Year’s to get out of having to go to dinner.  So, Jane and John ended up coming over to a party.  John proceeded to get drunk.  When he drinks, he gets violent (hence, the fighting).  He kept smoking in my sister’s house, even after she asked him several times to go outside!  Needless to say, none of my family was impressed.  That night, I also had one too many drinks and don’t remember some of the conversations.  Apparently Jane told my stepmom she wanted to throw us an engagement party.  The next day she posted a message to my Facebook wall saying she needed a guest list.  I responded “for what?”  She said “for your engagement party silly.”  I decided to call her, and I didn’t want to be rude, but told her that we really didn’t need an engagement party.  All of FI’s family is overseas so it would only be my family/friends anyway and that hardly seemed fair.  Jane was relentless, and would not give up.  She then contacted my stepmom and best friend (whom she had never met before) via Facebook.  At this point I didn’t know what to do.  I knew all of my close friends would wonder who this woman was and why she was throwing us a party.  So my stepmom decided she would do it with her to avoid awkwardness.  Again, this is BIG MISTAKE #2.  I should have said no, but I am a total wimp...I had no intention of inviting her to our wedding, and now I feel like I have to.  

Needless to say, the party was a few weekends ago.  Jane printed out invites.  And since the party was in my FL hometown (Jane doesn’t live there), she asked my parents to arrange the location and food.  My parents spent roughly $2000 for a catered event/open bar and she contributed $50 for a party that she said she was throwing for us.  My parents, especially my stepmom is upset.  Not about the money, but that Jane never said “look, I can’t contribute much.”  Up until that weekend, she just told my stepmom to let her know her half.   She stayed at  my parents home, ate our food, and rubbed all of my friends and family the wrong way, and left $50 on my parents fridge.

But wait, there’s more...I have a Jimmy Choo, my prized possession.  Since Jane drove my car to Chicago she has been asking for me to send it to GA.  I honestly thought she was joking.  Until now.  The morning of our flight for the e-party she texted me to see if I was bringing it home.  I ignored her text when I realized she’s been serious this whole time.  The third thing out of her mouth when I saw her in FL was “did you get my text.”  When I said yes, she asked if I brought my handbag.  I just joked that I hadn’t insured it yet.  Why in the world would l let her borrow a $2000 bag???  And why do I have such a problem being assertive and saying NO?  She did other appalling things during the weekend...flirting with my brother and saying IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS that she thinks he’s hot and she wants to sleep with him.  She is married, and that is totally inappropriate to say to one’s parents.  She was flirting with my sister’s FIL and told him she liked older men.  At the party, she completely interrupted me while I was speaking to my friends (the bridesmaids....bestfriends since I was 8 and 14) to introduce herself as the person who drove my car to Chicago.  It was a year ago, can we move on yet?  She and her husband stayed with us all weekend, and my family was really ready for them to leave.  The morning they finally did leave, she told FI she had a ring she wanted to sell him for my wedding ring.  He promptly told her no thanks.  I was still asleep, but when I awoke, she told me the same thing.  It was later that I learned she had already asked FI about it, and still asked me.  How weird is that?  For one, I don’t like jewelry, and haven’t decided whether or not I will wear a ring, but used jewelry...all my close friends know about my phobia.  Oh, and she called my FI “bitch” when he said no.  FI told me he was just sitting there in silence with my father not knowing how to respond.  The list of absurdities goes on.  I just feel like she does things and makes it seem like a favor (like driving my car), but it’s quid pro quo and she is expecting something in return (like my purse).  I also feel like she is trying to weave her way into my life.  After throwing us an engagement party (which she really didn’t throw!!!) I feel like I have to invite them.  But, FI said after the bitch comment that Jane and John are definitely not getting an invite.  My family seriously held a “family conference” to tell me she can’t come.  They were offended and put off by her behavior all weekend.  My parents especially about the repeated comments she made about my brother.  

I have to say, I don’t know what to do.  But, I know I don’t want them at the wedding.  From the get-go I was worried about John drinking and being violent, as the man can’t hold his drink.  And I am very worried about Jane’s obnoxious behavior as is FI.  I can just imaging the things his proper English family will think!  Plus, neither she nor her husband fit in well with any of my friends.  Any advice you can offer?  Am I completely out of line here?  For the record, I’ve done nice things for her too, but I don’t constantly remind her of each thing, nor do I expect anything in return.  It bothers me that she assumed she was invited to our wedding.  And I feel like her “favors” are intentional to make me feel guilted into things like inviting her.  I know this is my fault for not telling her straight up she is not invited, and allowing her to throw us an engagement party that my parents ultimately paid for.  You can’t imagine how bad I felt having to say thank you to her for the party in front of all our guests, knowing my parents paid for the whole thing (I said thank you to them too, but you get the picture).

Do I just let the friendship fade out and quit contacting her?  I’m 29 and FI is 37...this isn’t high school, so I know eventually I’ll owe her an explanation as she probably doesn’t think she did anything inappropriate.  She was just being loud, obnoxious Jane.  The problem with trying to let it fade out, is that I doubt she’ll let it happen.  I am a big wimp, and the thought of confrontation scares me.  I also don’t want to hurt her feelings and be mean, but I never felt close to her to begin with.  Please help! 

@mountain.bride: I would do that, but I honestly feel she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior.  I mean, the first day I met her at work she was telling me she had the 7 year itch and wanted to cheat on her husband.  They hate each other and it's very apparent to anyone that meets them.  

I also have to add, that the weekend of the e-party she said "take as much time to be with your family" since she invited herself to stay with my parents.  Jane even said they'd probably go to the beach or Disney one of the days. Of course, this didn't happen, they just stayed with us.  

She asked what my plans were the morning of the e-party and I said FI and I would probably go get pedis (yes, my man gets pedicures occasionally).  In no way was I inviting her, but she promptly said "oh, John and I will join you!"  Does she not understand how rude it is to constantly invite yourself?  At the e-party she invited herself to stay with one of my bridesmaids that she had just met!  My best friend lives in NYC, and Jane has never been...so she just invites herself!  She even tried to get my friend to agree to having the bachelorette party (which is way in the future as our wedding isn't until this time next year) in NYC.  My MOH has already proposed Miami, and this woman who doesn't even know my friends again ASSUMES she is coming to the bachelorette party and has a hand in planning it.  When they were finally leaving my parents' house for the weekend, she actually asked me "so is the bachelorette party going to be in NY?"  At this point, even I had had it and said no.  I really think she just wants it there so she can stay with my friends for free...

@nqz100: That's what I am trying to do.  She called tonight and I ignored it.  The last time we spoke was the weekend of the e-party.  She called on their drive home to GA and I ignored the call, but then felt bad and called her back.  Tonight she didn't leave a message, so I don't really have a reason to return her call.  The truth is, I feel bad.  I am one of those people that suffers from extreme guilt.  I feel guilty because I know I could have done something a long time ago, but I just lack the assertiveness.  FI agrees that this is just one of those times where I have to buck up and learn from it.  

@chicklet1587: Haha...thanks!  That would be helpful since I am such a chicken.  I know I have a lot to learn.  

BTW, I just got off the phone with my father.  He actually called to talk about the situation. He just told me Jane said she wanted to f@$k my brother in front of them.  She actually used that word!  To my parents!!!

@tarlonda: thanks...this is probably the way I'll go.  I feel like if I give it a few weeks of fading, that when she comes looking for the answer, I'll be more prepared to be honest and either call or email her with the truth.

Thanks everyone for the advice!  You don't know how much I appreciate it.  My family said much the same, but I wanted to check with the WB community as well.  Like I said, I've been on the boards for a while, but I am posting under an alias.  Not sure why, I guess some little part of me wants to make sure *Jane* doesn't come looking for me here!

@trugem: I know.  When I really think about it, I shouldn't feel guilty.  She is out of line for saying that to my FI and then telling my parents she wants to sleep with my brother.  My parents even said she told my brother if he couldn't sleep, he should come and get her!  Who says that when their husband is in the other room?  

@heatherkristin: Good thinking...she is Facebook friends with my stepmom and several of my best friends.  After the party, she "friended" my brother and another friend of mine.  My sister deleted her the day after the party.  

@tarlonda: I am anticipating that she will want to call and apologize to FI.  BUT he is way stronger than me.  He already told me, it's not a question of if she is invited to the wedding, but a question of how I will tell her she is not.  He is adamant that they will not attend.  Like I said before, I never intended to invite her, but she found a way to invite herself.  But I will definitely be on the look out for her to manipulate me back into the friendship, and I will not give in!

@daydreamwanderer: Unfortunately yes, she does know particulars.  But, I would hope after a year, that should wouldn't travel from GA to IL for a wedding she isn't invited to (like you said). 

@daydreamwanderer: Yes, I definitely plan on asking them to defriend her.  I also made sure all of my settings are for friends only.  So when I do block her, she can't see my page or pictures.  If I didn't use Facebook to communicate with other friends, I would just get off altogether.  

@MacFaniam24: Haha...I know, that's why I even said in "part I" that things weren't so bad at first.  I know it's totally my fault for letting it go this long, and now it's up to me to grow some and make it happen!  

@fontgoddess: You are so right, I would be so stressed and worried if she was actually attending the wedding.  It's a year out, and it's stressing me out now!  Even before all this bad behavior on her part, my FI was seriously worried about how her husband would act. He was definitely drunk at our e-party, and it was not really the type of event to drink THAT much.  Some people just don't have class.  He sort of scares me anyhow.  Back at my parents house after the party he walked in off the back porch.  When the door opened, I just automatically turned and looked to see who it was.  He got up in my face and said "stop looking at me like that" and I really did get scared.  I didn't do anything wrong, just looked in his direction.  He seriously gets violent when he drinks.  FI thinks he is an alcoholic, but I can't say I'd know one way or the other.

Thanks again for all of the support and advice!!!

@sudslover: yes, I really liked what @mountain.bride said and will probably use it!  I am such a nervous freak when it comes to confrontation, that it's likely if I call her, I'll probably write out a "script" to make sure I say what I need to and stay on track.

@chicklet1587: no worries, I knew what you meant :)

Thanks again everyone...I am sending emails to my family and friends now to remove her from their Facebook.  I plan on letting it fade for a few weeks, and then once it's apparent that something is wrong, I'll provide an explanation and cease all communication after that.  

@mrbee:  Thank you, more great advice.  And it IS embarrassing.  I know this may sound stupid, but I adhere to etiquette and general good behavior.  I would never act like Jane has, and to be honest, I was embarrassed even by the way she introduced herself to my friends. Normally I would do the introduction, but she beat me to it every time by interrupting conversations before I got the chance.  She would preface it with, "I drove *Sara's* car 12 hours to Chicago" or "I was the first one to stay in their apartment."  It's almost as if she was trying to convince herself (or my friends) that we are close friends when we're really not.  And this is a woman of 32 years I am talking about.  I would expect behavior like that from an immature teenager, but not an adult.

@thisismeAXiD: I know she's not really a friend.  SHE thinks she is a close friend of mine though.  I just couldn't think of another name for the post.  I was very hesitant about her driving my newly repaired car.  I turned down her offer to drive it up, but she kept pushing and made it seem like I was doing her a favor to get away for the weekend.  Like I said, I am a pushover.  Eventually I just gave in and said yes.  It really does bother me, more so after the e-party weekend and all the horrendous comments she made, that she thinks we're close enough that she would have been invited to my bachelorette party and potentially had a hand in planning it. All of the guests on our list are family and close friends.  The friends I am inviting go back to when I was 8 years old and stop at 18 years old (so no less than 11 years of friendship)...and then there would be this random Jane that I've known for less than two years and don't hold dear to my heart.  I am taking everyone's advice and trying be more assertive.  I will end this friendship.  I know I will feel bad for doing it (just my nature), but I realize now after everyone's comments that it has to be done.