(Closed) Breaking up

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I...
    Fight for your relationship! : (45 votes)
    24 %
    Let him go. : (68 votes)
    37 %
    Wait around and hope he comes back on his own (soon, realizing he made a mistake) : (15 votes)
    8 %
    Wait around and hope he comes back on his own (after he returns from the 12 month trip) : (6 votes)
    3 %
    Try to stay friends, better to keep him in your life. : (18 votes)
    10 %
    Don't try to stay friends, too hard when you love him. : (33 votes)
    18 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3801 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Since the breakup was last night, I would hold off on the email.

    I personally would let it go and see if he contacts you again in the upcoming months. Sounds as though he has a lot going on right now and he probably would like to focus on the job, moving, etc.

    If in a few months you still are thinking about him, email him and see how he is doing. However, dont waste the next 14 months pining for someone that will be away longer than you dated him…go out with other people, enjoy your life, and if it is meant to be he will come back.

    Trust me. This exact thing happened to me…and instead of pining over the boy who moved away, I met my husband…and when the boy who moved away came back to me, it was too late.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2401 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Personally, I couldn’t do a long distance relationship. It’s not for me. And I think that it isn’t for everyone.

    I would let this one go knowing that you are and were able to fall in love, have a great time, and meet a wonderful man. An email is only going to put salt in the wound and you would never know if he is staying with you because of that email (and the guilt or emotions it caused) or because he wanted you unconditionally. 

    Best of luck.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3472 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    I like the idea of sending an e-mail.  That will give him a chance to consider your position, without being out on the defensive, or needing to immediately reply. 

    I do agree with your initial decision however, that if he doesn’t want to try and make it work over the distance, you should NOT remain friends.  All that will do is prolong your emotional attachment, and if he’s hoping to “rekindle” things down the road than he shouldn’t end it now. 

    Post # 6
    Hostess
    16217 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    My now-husband/then-boyfriend tried to break up with me once while we were dating because he thought he couldn’t handle the long-distance aspect of our relationship. I forced him to think about whether he was saying that because he missed me or because he really didn’t want to be with me, and he realized he was just saying it out of knowing that it’s tough to be apart.

    And obviously, he’s glad I didn’t “let” him go through with it because now we’re very happily married. Granted, our relationship was not so long distance that it was overseas. But the experience seemed similar enough that I thought sharing might help a bit.

    It sounds like things have been really wonderful and amazing with this guy. If the only problem truly is the distance and the time you’ll be apart, I say fight for it as hard as you can. Distance and time apart are really difficult, but they have the potential to make your relationship so, so strong — maybe even infallible. Like I said, I can’t say that I know what it’s like to be a relationship with a man who lives overseas, but I know in my relationship, we were some level of distance apart for four years, and looking back, we wouldn’t trade those four years for anything.

    You can still very much be a part of each other’s lives even if you aren’t in the same place. It’ll take some adjusting, of course, and there will be days when it hurts. But I’ve always thought that it doesn’t make sense to break up with someone just because you won’t see them very much (I know I’m simplifying here), because when you break up with someone, that means you won’t see them anymore at all.

    I don’t know your guy or how he prefers to communicate, and I don’t know how you left things last night. But you’ve been through so much in your life already, and after coming through all of that, you’ve found one of the best guys you’ve ever known. I’m not sure I’d fight this fight through email. Is it possible to talk again face to face and make your case then?

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending you hugs!

    Post # 7
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    First thing that popped into my head was the cheesy but sweet movie from the mid-nineties Fools Rush In.  I am not sure if you were able to express the feelings you wrote above to him very clearly in your breakup last night, but if you weren’t, I would definitely tell him your feelings (preferably face-to-face, as emails do not allow for emotion to be conveyed properly).  Just calmly tell him your feelings and outlook once, then leave it go.  If he feels the same, he will want to rekindle it, knowing that you are invested in this relationship (he may be genuinely concerned that the distance due to HIS job really woudn’t be fair to you since you have no choice in it).  Just like the old saying goes, if you love someone, let them go….

     

    Oh, and check out that movie if you haven’t already.  Keep in mind mid-90’s romance movies aren’t theatrically compelling, but its still a cute (and somewhat appropriate) movie for your circumstance (minus the baby part–I’m assuming).

    Good luck!

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    i’m not telling you not to send the email but i personally wouldn’t.  if someone broke up with me for whatever reason, i wouldn’t ask them to reconsider or negociate our relationship.  i think he needs to be the one to come to you.

    if in 14 months you are both available and get back together, then it was meant to be.  here’s hoping, whatever the outcome, you find happiness.

    Post # 9
    Member
    4465 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    The guy I dated before my husband broke up with me because he had commitment issues. (Thank heavens he did because he really wasn’t the right guy for me and he freed me up to be with my husband.) I did write him an (excellent) email after we broke up because I felt something like commitment issues was a hurdle we could jump together. I never heard back, which stung worse than a lot of other things in our break up.

    It was such a humiliating situation, I still feel a little bit of shame and humiliation when I think of how I completely rubbed myself raw trying to fight for him and sending that email and everything I said and how he never responded. It’s honestly humiliating. I don’t think about it often, but like right now, thinking about it, I’m still angry at how he never responded, etc. etc. all the things I said above.

    I voted that you should let him go, but still wait around to see if he comes back. I don’t think you should wait and forsake all others and not let yourself be free to fall for someone else. But at the same time sometimes things are meant to be later on in life – I just don’t think you should sit around waiting for things to fall into place later. It’s just one of those things that the possibility could exist. I think you really should try to let it go and allow yourself to be open to others.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1333 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I *believe* you were 1/2 of a whole relationship.  I also believe that means you are entitled to share your feelings if/when you are ready to do so.  Whether it be to get things off your chest, gain closure, or even fight for what you believe in.  If you have feelings/thoughts you want him to read/hear, I say go for it…if now is the time you want to do it!! I, for one, write my feelings better than I speak them, and so that is the avenue I would take – an email, or a letter. 

    My only disclaimer to this thought, is as follows:  1) sleep on the letter, for at least a day…make sure the things you initially write are things you actually want to convey.  2) Be prepared to not get a response.  Sadly, he just may not be ready, and/or stick to his feelings of a break-up.  At least, at the very least, you know you did all you could. 

    Good luck!

    Post # 11
    Member
    5399 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    First on all, I’m so sorry and I’m sending hugs your way!

    This is one of those gut things, if you’re falling in love and you think he’s worth fighting for, then fight for him! Instead of the email, i would think about what you want to say, even jot down a few notes, and see if you can speak to him in person. Maybe see if he’ll let you both explore your relationship furher during the time he has left here, especially since there are a couple of months left. Do you think you would be okay with the long distance thing? Ask him how he feels about it, too. The distance won’t be permanent, so that’s something for you both to at least look forward to. Also, I think he’s probably doing this as a self-preservation thing so he doesn’t end up with a broken heart while he’s gone. Maybe you can somehow calm that fear for him, too. At the end of it all, he’s someone you really enjoy, so try not to let him go as a friend, it sounds like he could use your support whether or not you’re together.

    Best of luck and please keep us updated!

    Post # 12
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I am so so so sorry to hear this, you have had an awful time 🙁

    I’m gonna give it to you straight – the man is right. You do deserve someone who is willing to invest the time in your relationship. I’m in an LDR, not an oversees one, and it is really tough. We only live a couple of hours away but due to our busy lives we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like. We survive by texting, emailing and talking on the phone a lot but it is hard, things can get misconstrued, arguments can develop out of one of you reading the other’s text in the wrong tone. But we make it work because we are completely invested in our relationship and determined for it to work. @Gemstone:  is completely right about saying how an LDR can strengthen a relationship, but I can tell you now that if one person’s heart isn’t fully in the relationship or has some reservations, they are going to come to the surface sooner or later.

    But then, saying all this, I am still a romantic and a firm believer in fate and destiny. When my SO moved away before we were ‘offically’ dating, we decided we weren’t going to try the LDR because it was going to be too difficult. I was absolutely heartbroken and totally convinced that I had lost the love of my life. But after several days of crying I gave it all up and just said, ‘if it is meant to be, it is meant to be and it WILL happen, it just might not happen now or when I want it to.’ So I tried to get on with my life and look after myself as best I could, while being reassured that if it was meant to be then it was going to happen. And that turned out to be true, it was just a matter of timing. Maybe when your guy comes back it will be the right timing.

    Whatever you decide, please please PLEASE remember you are beautiful and smart and funny and amazing, and if he still wants to break up, then more fool him. Because he is never going to get another woman as wonderful as you, and I promise you, he will realise that.

    Post # 13
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @gatystar:  I completely agree.  FI and I just finished our 2 year LDR!  I know for certain that if both people aren’t 110% committed to making the relationship work, it will not work– so much of the relationship is built on trusting the other person and missing them and making an effort to call or text or visit instead of doing other things.  I sacrificed so much of my social time in my graduate program because I was committed to my relationship– this guy says he doesn’t want to do that. 

    If it were me, I’d take him at his word.  I’d keep in tentative contact with him if you really think he is worth a few emails to check-up on him and hope he starts missing you while you’re apart, but I also wouldn’t postpone trying to move on.   I think waiting for someone who isn’t waiting on you might be a huge waste of emotional time.

     
    I also agree that an email would be better than face-to-face.  I wouldn’t trust emotions in the heat of a moment when you’re running to kiss him and you both miss physical contact or whatever?  If you’re determined to contact him, I think an email would work much better.  (But you know him better than I do!)  I had an ex who communicated much better over email– I once drove to his apartment to convince him not to break up with me… he just postponed that end for 5 months when he did it via telephone instead so he didn’t have to deal with the emotions right in front of him!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1406 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I personally think you should let him go.  DH always tells me “you can’t will a relationship into existance.”  He is talking about his ex-GF back home….she still tells people they are together, she plans on moving over to be with him, etc.  Mind you he has been with me for several years!  He broke up with her right before he left.  She wouldn’t accept it….but he refused to rub it in her face that he started casually dating others once he moved away. 

    I’m assuming your BF is going to the Middle East since you said he wouldn’t be able to date?  So then it definitely wouldn’t be easy for you to visit him either.  And internet connections aren’t always the best in those areas.   

    And 14 months is a long time to wait for someone that is part of a new relationship IMHO.  I know you’ve had a rough time with your ex-H….I’m so sorry…I had a not so good divorce too.  PM me if you want.      

    Post # 15
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    God that’s awful. I’m really sorry this has happened. Honestly, I’d let him go. My gut says that if he doesn’t feel he has time to invest in the relationship then he doesn’t really want to invest time in the relationship. He may have sugar coated this a little too well as he’s left you with false hope (imo only). If it were me and we decided to give it a go, I’d probably spend the whole time he was away paranoid that he was about to end it again…so staying with him wouldn’t make me happy. I know it’s raw but try to think about what will happen if he says ok he’ll give it a go.

    Good luck x

    Post # 16
    Member
    331 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    I’m so sorry to hear this.. I’ve been broken up with before and know how much it hurts 🙁

    I hope this doesn’t come across harshly but I do think you need to let him go. He may have been a pretty great boyfriend, but he wasn’t great enough for you. The right man for you would bend over backwards to make your relationship work and wouldn’t be willing to walk away without giving it everything.

    He needs to be the one to come back to you to prove that he’s interested in making you a priority.

    I wish you all the best..

     

    The topic ‘Breaking up’ is closed to new replies.

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