Post # 1
It would be so much easier if I hated him.
We’ve been together for over 3 years, living together for over 2, and have two cats and a dog. I’ve had so much uncertainty in between phases of happiness and it culminated a few nights ago…which is also when I found out about some lying he’d done about where he’d been and who he’d been with (hint: the real answer was alone at a girl’s place ‘studying’). These last few days have been more emotionally exhausting and painful than I’d ever thought imaginable, but drawing it out without a definite answer was making it worse.
I don’t think we’re meant to be together longterm. We communicate too differently and I’m left feeling unsatisfied while he’s left feeling attacked. I get irritated by all the things I used to find cute and charming. I can’t trust him. I usually prefer to go out without him rather than with him. I’m not proud of him and I’m unsympathetic towards him…bitter, even. He deserves so much better, he’s a really great guy – SO supportive, and so loving in his own ways. I’m not sure anyone will ever care about me to that extent again.
Has anyone been through this? A long-term, live-in breakup that didn’t end because of an event, but rather because you believed it just wasn’t meant to be? When does it get easier? I have “graduation goggles” right now and can’t stop picturing anything but the good things…
Sorry for the length. I ended it about half an hour ago and just don’t know what to do.
Post # 2
winstonchurchill: here’s a big internet hug. I’m sorry you’re in pain right now, ending a relationship is never easy. It sounds like you needed some space and did the right thing for yourself.
Post # 3
winstonchurchill: I kicked my ex out of my house because I knew I didn’t love him, and I couldn’t live like that for forever. Almost exactly everything you said except the “studying” situation… and the caring part. It was tough at first, not becuase I wanted to be with him- because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I stayed in my house, with “our” dog which is now mine and let him figure out his life. He kept calling etc until I told him to F off a few times and that was the end of it. Its okay to be emotional, but with that you need to be strong and know what YOU want and whats best for you, and then move on to something better.
Post # 4
winstonchurchill: big big hugs. Remind yourself that he may be a great guy in many ways, but it doesn’t mean he is a great boyfriend, or the right boyfriend for you.
Post # 5
winstonchurchill: I’ve been through this, with one difference, I was on the receiving end of the break up. I was with a guy for 6 years, lived together for 5, I moved from Massachusetts to Florida for him to go to med school and he broke up with me and kicked me out of the apartment a little over a year later for no specific reason, he just needed space. I was devistated to say the least, not to mention that I didn’t really have any friends or family where I was so I was all alone with nothing but my clothes in my car. For the first couple weeks, I still talked to him and even saw him a couple times, but that wasn’t working. The only way to properly heal from something like that was to cut off all contact. That’s what I did and after a couple months I was feeling better and making new friends and such. I assure you, your SO was not the end all be all, there will be more and it will be better. You deserve to be with someone who you can see a future with and who can see a future with you.
Post # 6
Tinatiny1: onthefritz: nightborn: Thank you ladies. I think I’m freaking out right now. I just willingly overturned my whole life, and for what? Seeking some kind of happiness or fulfillment I may never find?
Post # 7
winstonchurchill: “I think I’m freaking out right now. I just willingly overturned my whole life, and for what? Seeking some kind of happiness or fulfillment I may never find?”
I know it’s easy to think that right now, but I encourage you to think about what would have happened if you stayed with him given the state of your relationship. Would you have resigned yourself to spending the rest of your life with a guy that you were having these issues with? Would you have hung on to a failing relationship for another 15 years until one of you finally broke it off? Then where would you be? It seems like if you stayed with him, you would have certainly not found the happiness and fulfillment you’re seeking.
Try to focus on all the good things ahead that will come of this (after you heal, of course).
Post # 8
winstonchurchill: When I left my ex, I had the same feeling. “I’m starting over- what if I never find exactly what I’m looking for”. Then, right there when I wasn’t even looking, my FI came out of nowhere. If I didn’t leave my ex and taken the chance, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today. You WILL find it, it may take time but it will be worth it!
Post # 9
TheGridMonster: Thank you. I think if things had continued…it would have been years of wondering if I had done the right thing. And that wouldn’t have been fair to either of us…right?
Especially with us living together (2 bedrooms, thank god) it still seems so much easier and comforting to just take it back and go curl up with him. Which makes it feel like a mistake because how could something that would make me feel so good be the same thing I’d throw away? Uugghhh. Emotions
Post # 10
winstonchurchill: don’t mistake comfort for true partnership. Trust yourself.
Post # 11
When its right, you don’t break up. It is never on the table. You did the right thing. Now, spend your time looking for a new place. Tonight, why dont you phone round some girlfriend’s and see if you can sleep somewhere else. Just to get away and collect yourself. There is panic involved in change. But it is far lonelier to be in a dissatisfying relationship without the glimmer of possibility just around the corner, than it is to be single and open to bright shiny opportunities and fullfilling relationships. Tell yourself, on repeat, when its right you don’t break up. It is never on the table.
Post # 12
winstonchurchill: I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Many hugs to you. I think, given the siutuation that you have described, that you ahev done the best thing you thought to do. I hope that you feel better soon. I can’t imagine going through this, and I’m so so sorry that you have to. My mother always says “better to find out now than to find out too late.”
Post # 13
winstonchurchill: I’m so sorry–sending you a big hug and a mug of tea.