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We lived in a house with roomates before we discussed marriage seriously. Since it wasn't a long term living arrangement, I was fine with it.
I would never buy property with someone without a ring though!
I think moving in together is one thing.. while buying a house together is another thing. Buying a house together can create a legal mess when they split up.
@sulaii211: This is something I always wonder about myself. I'm not a big believer in living together at all and certainly not unless you at least plan to get married in the future.
With that said, I did move in with my now husband before we were engaged HOWEVER, before I agreed to move in with him we talked about what it meant and agreed we were on the path to marriage. If we hadn't been, I wouldn't have moved in with him. I just think its taking an enormous gamble with your future and emotions to move in with a guy and just hope he'll propose! I really think a lot of women (I mean A LOT) shoot themselves in the foot like this. Its a hell of a lot harder to move on from a relationship that's not going anywhere when you've moved in and established a household together.
I moved in with my now FI before we both knew for sure that it was going to lead to marriage. BUT we did talk about how we could see marriage in our future and that moving in together was not just something to do lightly. He bought a townhouse and I moved in with him a few weeks later, so it is only his name on the paperwork for now. I guess we knew marriage was on the table, but at the time of moving in, we did not know 100% that it was going to happen.
I already did, but it happened years back when we were much younger and had limited options thanks to my family being a mass of dysfunctional jerks.
I've been called "old-fashioned" for this, and I'm okay with that, but my FI and I have chosen not to move in together till after the wedding. It's right for us, and I respect the fact that other people have different things that are right for them, too. Whatever feels best for you. :)
Moving in together is one thing, combining finances, whether in accounts or by buying a house together is to me different. I've had plenty of roommates over the years and I didn't have plans to marry any of them but entangling finances really complicates things. But even still, I lived with my husband beforehand and I know a lot of people don't see any big change after the wedding but for us being married is different than when we were in a committed relationship living together.
Just because you haven't already agreed that you're marrying each other doesn't mean that you take the decision lightly. If you DO make it as a hasty decision, yes, that is bed. But some people like to do living together as a trial run to see if you are compatible in that way, or choose to never marry, because that is what they want. There are a million different reasons, many of which are valid, to not be engaged or have had the "if we do this we are definitely getting married" decision already made.
I can't imagine ANYBODY who doesn't have these conversations. No matter what you choose. But it happens all the time-with moving in, with finances, with kids....oye.
But no, I wouldn't live with anyone unless we knew marriage was the intent.
I refused to ever move in with a guy unless there was already a ring on my finger. It's just a requirement in my mind. To me - it's too big of a leap and commitment unless you KNOW marriage is in the plans (and for me, the only way to truely know was to be engaged).
I definitely would move in (but lease not buy!) without discussing marriage - I pretty much did that. We moved in together because his lease was up - five months into our relationship. We made the decision after 2 or 3 months of dating because finding apartments in Manhattan is hard... and expensive.
I think at that point, we had discussed getting married only as a joke and when drunk. It wasn't really a serious consideration at that point in the relationship - though by the time we moved in together I think we were knew that it would happen. I do recall thinking it over and realizing that given how most of my relationships have ended, I'd probably be fine living with him for awhile even if we broke up.
I think it's part geographical - people in New York City tend to be really quick to move in together because it's so expensive to live alone - and part my personality. I would still be fine not getting married to him... I don't want children and marriage just isn't all that important to me. Not that I'm not super excited to marry him, but that if I happened to fall just as hard for another woman I know I wouldn't even have that option... so it doesn't seem like a prerequisite to being committed partners to me.
I wouldn't buy a house with someone who I wasn't marrying, but FI and I did move into a rental place together after only 2 months of dating! People called us crazy, but it's what worked for us at the time. I think the situation is really what should be the deciding factor. FI had just had a falling out with his roomates and needed a place ASAP, while I was already looking for a new place to live. Things just feel together for us and seemed practical so we went for it! We didn't buy any combined furniture or make plans to buy a house until we were engaged though.
My FI is the first man I have ever lived with and I think living together is what made us decide to get married. I would have serious doubts about NOT living with a man before marrying him because boy did I learn a lot about my mate after we moved in together. Realizing that I could live with our differences is was what helped me to know that I could spend forever with my man. I've lived with roomates that I absolutely hated afterwards because of their living habits or what went on behind closed doors.... I can't imagine how that would pan out after already being married lol.
@Entangled: Haha so TRUE! I often think that the expense of living alone, together with the scarcity of affordable apartments encourages co-habitation more quickly than might happen somewhere else.
For us, we moved in together at 9 months, because DH's lease was up. We hadn't discussed engagement per se, but we had talked about the fact that we both felt that it was a serious relationship and we wanted to be together for the forseeable future.
DH and I moved in together pretty quickly because it was only supposed to be temporary while I looked for a place, but I ended up staying :-P However, once we moved into OUR own apartment with both our names on the leases, I made it known that I didn't want to live together forever without getting married. 7 months later he proposed :) Originally, DH wanted to get a house when we first started dating. He said it would be in his name and I could live there and help pick stuff out. However, I told him that I wouldn't do that. It was fine if he wanted to get a house but I wasn't going to help pick stuff out and live there without us being married and my name on the lease. So we ended up staying in the apartment. Now that we're married, we're saving up for a house and hopefully will get one within the next year!
I moved in with my now-husband more than a year before we got engaged. We had never talked about marriage at that point. If I did not believe it was in our future (even though we had not talked about it), though, I would not have moved in with him. Or, rather, if I was not committed to him and did not think he was committed to me, I would not have done it. We also moved together to a new city before we got engaged. For us, marriage was more of a formality, not the gateway to the other committed activities we engaged in (living together, moving to a new city together).
So no, I would not move in with someone who I did not think was committed to me for the long term, but you do not need to be married in order to be committed.
Well, I would and I did lol
I wouldn’t marry someone without having lived with them first, and I don’t think that every relationship ends in marriage – sometimes you have a great relationship but it doesn’t mean you have to marry the person and spend the rest of your life with them in order to validate that relationship/commitment.
We bought a house together before getting engaged – but we both knew that this relationship was different, and was for the long term (forever). I didn’t care if we ever got married, so that wasn’t important to me, knowing that we both were on the same page about forever was important.
I have never, and don’t plan to ever have joint accounts or joint credit cards – we don’t see any need to change things from how they are. I definitely would never have a joint account or credit card without being married.
I did not move in with DH until after he had proposed, although he tried to convince me many, many times.
I moved in with a boyfriend years ago and honestly, I wasn't ready. But he talked about wanting to marry me and have children together. So I eventually, I caved. We were together 5 years, lived together for 3, had two dogs together.
But marriage never came up. Finally, one day he admitted he had feelings for someone else and I moved out. It was horrible and life-changing. Definitely like a divorce. I had nowhere to go as I could not afford rent anywhere that would even consider taking two big dogs. I had to move back home with my mother. I lost a lot of friends and the relationships I had forged with his parents. It was awful.
After that experience I vowed that I would never live with a man again unless we were at least committed to getting married. Why bother moving all my stuff and meshing my life so closely with someone otherwise?
(I know marriage is not for everyone but it was definitely something I wanted for myself.)
I have only know one couple who broke up while living together (she moved out and 8 months later it seems they might be getting back together?? But I don't ask questions because it's not really my business) but it seems that perhaps they hadn't discussed marriage, or perhaps did but realized it wasn't going to work out afterall, and that is quite sad.
Personally, we moved in together after about a year, but I knew I wanted to marry him after a few months, but honestly I'm not sure if we had an actual discussion about it before hand. We did not combine accounts or anything and both of our names were on the lease and thusly we were both accountable.
We were indeed engaged about a year later and then we bought a house. I did insist that we be at least engaged before we bought a house together, or even before anyone purchased a house because I did not want to live in a house I didn't have any say in the purchase of.
Also, for the record, we have been together a total of 5 years and married for a little over a month and it is different and wonderful now that we're married and I don't think living together before hand ruined anything, if anything it's better because we are already used to living together -- (let me tell you, that first year of cohabitation was hard work) and so now we can just enjoy each other and married life. siiiiiighhhhh, married life is wonderful girls....sweet honeymoon stage.... hehe.
I feel very old fashioned.
In fact, SO and I had a little argument over this recently. He thinks moving in is good to see if we're compatible. I, on the other hand want to be engaged, preferably married before we live together.
I had never really thought about it before, but after knowing he lived with his ex for ten years and they never got engaged, I realized I didn't want to live with anyone without a commintment.
Currently I'm living with my mum and perfectly content. We both have a considerable amount of space and privacy, and it's nice to come home to someone I know is sane and won't skip out on rent. I got terribly lonely when I was on my own.
withing weeks of becoming a couple my hubby asked me to move in with him - i flat out said i wont live with someone without a ring and thats what i got
i have no problem with people that do live together but when i see couples that have been together for years i do wonder what is the hold up as i know i wouldnt settle for less than marriage, home & a future
on the other hand i know one young lady that moves in with a guy after knowing him for a week and this year alone she has lived with at least 5 guys - i dont think im sexually repressed but even im thinking shes too eager to give herself away to just about anyone - makes me sad
btw i once broke up a couple at a wedding, they had been together for years and i asked him if they were going to get married. he said "i dont know how i feel about her yet". i said "if you dont know after all this time then cut her loose, you are wasting her time!" she heard, they broke up before dessert
SO and I did this in such a strange way that I didn't really have time to have a conversation like that. I was going to college and had so many roomate issues and was not enjoying the school I was in that I decided to transfer schools and was going to be moving back to the town I grew up in.
We didn't even talk about it and I don't know how we get to that point but when we started moving my stuff home it all just went into his house. There was no sit down conversation; there was no marriage talk or how are we going to do this talk. I just moved in and that was that.
We had discussed marriage once or twice in passing but not a full on discussion about our expectations. We had been dating 1 1/2 years. We are still living together and will be engaged in the next 3 months. It has worked for us but I would have to say that if I were going to do it again I don't know if things would go very differently. With SO it was always just effortless and the path we were meant to take.
FI and I moved in together and bought a house without discussing getting married. We both knew we were going to be together so it wasn't a big deal to us. We also had joint checking and credit cards prior to getting engaged, but we had also been together almost 10 years.
I personally don't believe in living together prior to marriage. It's too much of a risk for me personally. One of my friends recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend that she was living with. Things ended and the guy moved out. Luckily it was HER place and he didn't sign the lease or things could have been a lot more complicated.
My husband and I moved in together when we were 18. We had no thoughts of marriage. We thought it was the next step in our relationship, and we would take it from there. For me, it was never "I'm moving in and just hoping he'll propose." That didn't even occur to me at the time. Living together wasn't about our future; it was about our present.
I lived with an ex boyfriend for 5 months knowing that the relationship was never going to end in marriage, and I never wanted to do that again. It changed the dynamic of our relationship, and put a lot of things in perspective.
Now that I'm with FI, I would love to live with him, but due to school, money and his parent's strict no no view on living together before marriage, that will never happen. I always thought living together before marriage was a really good idea, and I never imagined that I wouldn't do the same. Oh well. I'm really not looking forward to going along with the old fashioned way of doing things.
I wouldn't have moved in with my husband if I didn't know marriage was inevitable. We had many discussions about marriage, and were on the same page about when we wanted to get engaged, etc. I don't think I could have moved in with him without knowing that he wanted the same thing as me. I would have been too afraid of it ending terribly.
I think it depends on the situation - for exapmle, I moved into my bf's house because my parents were/are getting divorced and I can't take it anymore. We've only been together for 2 years and although I'm 28, we don't really talk about marriage (he thinks it's too soon). My point is, it maybe depends why you choose to move in
I plan to move in with my SO in August (when my lease is up). We will have been together 3.5 years at that point, but definetly not engaged. Neither of us is ready for marriage, but we're both sick and tired of living between two houses. He has a dog & I'm in an apartment, so I can't take the dog overnight. That means I pretty much live at his house and I'm constantly driving 30 mins back and forth to see him and get back to my cats/clothes/plants/etc. It's a hassle.
I never thought I'd want to move in with someone prior to engagment, but I suppose it just...feels right for me right now.
Oh & P.S - We have most definetley talked about marriage and agree we are on that path -- but we don't feel that we're financially/mentally/emotionally prepared for marriage just yet.
This may sound strange and normally wouldn't be like me, but here's my situation. I met FI in Quebec in March 2010 then he went back to BC that same month. We were officially together end of April 2010 when he was back here for a week. We then carried on a long distance relationship, and he came in July to buy a house because he was taking a year-long job here. I was also extending my job here which meant I needed to find somewhere to live (before I'd been here 7 months living in job provided living quarters). He was buying, I was going to "pay rent" and we were going to live together. Then he suggested we buy the house together. He said it'd be a good investment for me. If things didn't work out, I always had the job-provided living to go back to. But clearly it worked because we are getting married! :) Most people thought we were crazy, but surprising my parents thought it was a great idea!
So really, it depends. Sometimes couples may wait many years before deciding to get married and I'd hate to have been in a relationship for a few years and never have lived together.
My FI and I started living together before we were even officially a couple. So, I wouldn't say that being unsure when you move intogether is always a factor, but if, after a certain amount of time, there is no mention of progression, it may be time to rethink thinks.
I wouldn't move in before knowing that the relationship was going in the right direction. Moving is annoying, takes time and money and its not something I would want to waste time doing for someone who doesn't know where the relationship was going. I hate moving. lol so that is my reasoning.
@sulaii211: I have to say I have a few friends that have broken up for similar reasons this year. One of my closest friends and her long term boyfriend broke up b/c she kept thinking he'd change his mind when he said he didn't want kids (they are a must for her). Turns out, he really didn't want kids.
My partner and I moved in together relatively quickly, but we knew it was right (for us). We were already very serious, and while we were not engaged or planning our wedding, we had talked about the possibility of it. We knew that we wanted to be together for a very long time and were probably 80% sure we wanted to get married. We are both divorced and I didn't think I'd ever be in a serious relationship again! I think he was more sure we'd get married than I was. I would not have agreed to move in with him (it's his house; I sold my half of the house I owned to my ex) if I wasn't sure that this was likely on the road to long term commitment/marriage.
Now, this is just what works for me. I don't think I'd move in with someone unless we were very serious adn tehre was a strong possibility of long term commitment/marriage. I don't think it's stupid for other people to do it, as people need to do what works for them. I do have two friends who have been together over ten years and before they moved in knew that they didn't want to ever get married (they don't believe in marriage - at least for them), but were committed to each other and wanted to be with each other.
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So- of course there is the pre-holiday purging of relationships. I've run into a few lately, that boggle my mind. Two relationships, lasting more than 5 years, are breaking up because after ALL that time- the guy wasn't ready to marry, or wasn't ready to marry her.
What boggles me is the fact that they moved in together- and apparently didn't discuss marriage- as in they were not on the same page as they signed up for joint checking accounts....
Girls- am I being a prude? Am I not with the times? I'm joyfully living in sin- but we at least knew that marriage was the track we were on before we signed a lease, or bought a house......
Thoughts? Revelations? Insight? Did it work out for any of you?