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DON'T let family members (or anyone else!) bully you into having a wedding you don't feel comfortable at.
go with your gut, and try to let the catty comments roll off your back. People always complain before a wedding, and then shut up & have a good time AT the wedding.
*hug*! good luck, honey!
I didn't vote because I don't know how to, but I wantd to share since I feel like I was in a very similar boat! I reeeeeeally didn't want a huge wedding at all - I'm not the type for attention, to me it's a very personal, private thing and it bothers me that "how's the wedding planning going?" comes up everytime I see my relatives now. I was all for eloping, or a really teensy ceremony up north and then a bbq with everybody later. My fiance, however, was totally not. He has a larger family than I do (mostly just because I don't know my mom's side, just super tight with my dad's side of about 35 people) and it was really important to him that they ALL be there. If we invited everybody it's like 150, which is too big in my mind, but may not be to others.
We talked about it a lot, and it's hard because we're among the first of our friends getting married and we're both the first in our generation to be getting married. So people kind of expect a big party, they're totally excited. And I decided to just let it go.
So I guess I compromised, and ultimately, I'm okay with it. I do get a little wistful imagining how lovely my ideal would be, but I'm kind of a people pleaser. We decided we'd invite the whole crew but we're going to do our best to make it a really casual event with few little Wedding Traditions as possible. Made me more comfortable, made all the family happy, and it's all good.
(((Hugs))), and what Miss Rye Bread said.
This is about your marriage. And the Inn is gorgeous!!
everyone has an opinion about my wedding... why is it in MI? why isnt it in a church? people will be offended if they have to travel and there isnt a 'dinner' at the reception. all of the OOT guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner.
I am paying for it so they can kiss my kester. dont compromise your vision, your dream, or your budget to appease everyone else.
Good luck!
Hello there! I think the Inn wedding sounds wonderful. Keep in mind that a marriage is between two people that love eachother and are committed to eachother. A wedding is a formal recognition of that committment, where you invite the people you want to witness your devotion to eachother. A recption is a celebration of that life long committment and does not need to be right after the wedding. I've gone to receptions weeks and even months later.
It is very easy to get caught up in what everyone else wants for you. Everyone seems to have an opinion when it comes to weddings -- and this can be very frustrating. I suggest that you and your fh sit down and decide what the two of you want, and then do exactly that. Yes, you will have to deal with crap from family and friends, but NO MATTER WHAT CHOICE you make, you will NOT MAKE EVERYONE happy -- you will deal with crap no matter what.
Good luck, and let us know what you decide!
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So you never dreamed of a big wedding, but now you're marrying into a big (and from what it sounds) close family who are all excited about your upcoming marriage and want to attend? I really have to be honest here, say that you are so, so lucky to have all those people who want to support you on your wedding day. That's a GOOD thing. (Like a My Big Fat Greek Wedding kind of good).
I come from a big family, my fiance comes from a big family and both of our families see weddings as sort of a rite of passage: it's what really makes 'you' one of 'us'. Sure marriages on the whole do something similar, but actually being present on the day of the wedding just makes it all so much more real and meaningful and wonderful. To be excluded from that can be a real disappointment. And these are people who will be your family, too ... it may be worth conceding on a few big things in order to take the feelings of others into account.
First off, I love you all. This is why I love weddingbee, I'd still be freaking out if it weren't for you. I think I am definitely going through with the Inn Idea. My friends are really excited about this idea, so I think I'm going to go through with it!!!!!
I'm getting so excited!
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I go on the idea that if it's your budget it's your final decision, really. I think the Inn you picked looks amazing, by the way!
If it is really a case of family wanting to celebrate the occasion with you (and not a case of people wanted their own 'dream' wedding, not yours,) then you could always treat it like a destination wedding and do a big get together when you get back. For the sake of your budget make it clear that the point of this is for everyone to be able to rejoice with you, not for you to provide a formal 'reception' style experience.
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oye vey! So many things to consider.
I think that you should do what feels right without the pressure of hte family. If his parents are paying for the wedding and reception, then it is hard to not heed some of their suggestions. However, if you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, you should do what is right for you.
Just because there is an expectation, does not mean you have to fulfill them. It is interesting how some won't come to the inn due to additional expense, but have no problem going to a "near home" wedding / reception. Those who really care about you will make a little vacation of it. Those who can't afford it will understand (would you be in debt for 1 night vs have a meaningful ceremony). And if having a reception for his family is really important, would his parents be willing to host it? (just a thought)
Things have a way of working out....wishing you luck.
Oh my gosh, what a beautiful place to get married!
Complications and family go hand-in-hand. I've been told plenty of things about our parents-only ceremony and complete absence of reception. We won't get as many gifts. People will feel bad for not being invited. Etc etc. But then, when I WAS tossing around the idea of having a big wedding, some family members were saying we shouldn't do it HERE, where we LIVE, because people won't enjoy coming here as much as they would somewhere else (for example, closer to where these particular relatives lived). If people are going to be upset that our wedding day was about us, I'm sorry... but that is a very negative attitude to have.
But then, step back and think... who is your day for? Is it for YOU, or is it for your families? Some people do have their wedding for their families. if that's the case, you should listen to what they want. If you want it to be about the two of you and what you want, then you'll have to be a little firm and a little selfish. What I'm getting from your naysayers is that, basically, if you aren't going to spend the money on THEM having a good time, they're not going to spend money on you, and/or they're going to be mad at you or "punish" you by not attending your day. I guess my point is that there are always naysayers. Do what you want and let the family deal with it however they please. You seem so happy about the Inn. Do it, girl!!!!! (And share the pics after you do!)
first off, ((((((HUGS))))))))
I picked the Inn option because you that is obviously what you want. I was/am in a similar situation and how i decided was, would i regret that i didnt do what i wanted? And my answer was yes. . i didnt want to look at my wedding pictures and sigh because we are in a huge white church and not outside surrounded by beautiful New England Fall Foliage. So what i'm saying is go with whats good for YOU and your FI
Good luck!
You could always have an intimate outdoor ceremony instead of a big church wedding. I'm not religious and would NEVER EVER have any kind of religious overtones to my ceremony, so FI and I are getting married at a restaurant. The ceremony will be outside on the ocean, so I don't have to spend a lot of money on the decor (I'm on a bit of a budget as well) and it's much more casual. I've never dreamed of a big wedding either and definitely don't want that, I can understand you completely there.
Those photos are just GORGEOUS. I say go for what you want!! Feel better :) Make sure to make the decision that is right for you, it is your wedding after all!
The Inn looks beautiful and I'm sure you would have a very lovely wedding there.
Just one question though - does your fiance also want the small, intimate wedding? Or is he concerned about upsetting his family? As long as he is also on board with an intimate wedding plan, I think your wedding will be wonderful!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for all the hugs, support and suggestions!!! I couldn't do it without you! Heres an update:
We have decided on having our wedding at the Inn! My fiance is excited about the idea, now that he's gotten over the initial shock of the non-church wedding. His brother in Germany is flying home early enough to still make our Thursday nuptials, and he is downright giddy about showing our German side of the family around Indianapolis for the first time! As for my family, they've all agreed to at least come lol. They aren't jumping up and down like I am, but they haven't seen the photos yet. *winks* My father, our biggest skeptic, is finally warming up to the idea after telling him that the 5-star restaurant in the inn makes your meal as pretty as the ones on Iron Chef. We're from indiana. Food isn't pretty here.
So, there we go! I'm so excited about how this turned out! I love you guys so much!
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First of all, you do not have to get married in a church either way and can find a setting that FEELS intimate, even if it can hold a few hundred people, so deep breath, relax. :)
Okay, here's a couple of suggestions.
If his family insists on a big wedding, they'll have to offer to foot a huge portion of the bill. Otherwise, it's whatever you guys can afford, plain and simple. If they do offer to pay for a lot of it, be careful. What may sound like a lot doesn't go all THAT far, unfortunately.
Okay, another suggestion? Destination wedding! And that doesn't necessarily mean the Bahamas or somewhere tropical. You can do anywhere, from Paris or, if your budget doesn't allow for somemthing so elaborate, you can go to somewhere on the east or west coast, find a historical inn that's not-so-local and book it there. You can still invite everyone and their dog, but since guests are responsible for their own travel arrangements, the actual number attending will probably be intimate enough for you. You can even stay at a cute bed and breakfast while you're wherever you get married AND it can double as a honeymoon.
It sounds like you made the right decision for you and your FI! That's wonderful!! Your wedding day and reception will be beautiful and you'll enjoy it so much more!
I thought I would just add a story to solidfy that you made the right choice just in case you start to doubt it. My FI and I wanted to do a small destination wedding down in Costa Rica. Our hearts were set on it! In fact, when we vactioned to Costa Rica a few years ago, we almost got married there but knew how upset our families would be if they missed it. Unfortunately, when we started planning, his mother said she would absolutely not fly on the same plane as her ex or stay in the same hotel. This was devasting to us because we could not logistically make this work and the wedding was going to be expensive enough because our immediate families (just brothers and sisters and parents) are about 20 people. Soooo... we decided to have a midsize wedding in the states. We are under 50 days from our wedding and we have regretted it every step of the way. We thought we would get over it and that everyone else's excitment would carry us through. Unfortunately, it's not that way for us. And to make matters worse, his mother is not coming anyways. I just want you to know that even though the family may give you slack for your choice. It may be just as difficult to choose what they want. So know that you are doing what you and your FI will LOVE and that's all that matters!
Glad you made the decision to go with the inn--not because I necessarily thought it was a better idea, but because it's what you really wanted!!
Hope your day is beautiful and intimate and lovely, just like you want, and that you find some compromise with your fiance's family as far as the celebrating afterwards.
As much as a wedding is the melding or you and your fiance's lives, it's also the combining of the family's and a covenant you make in front of family and friends. They want to celebrate with you!
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@liljuliet87 Omg I am so sorry about how your situation turned out! Of course, if it were me, I would send out a letter to everyone I invited, detailing the situation, and start over in costa rica. lol but not everyone is as rash as I. I have the a similar mother situation anyhow. only its MY mother, the mother of the bride, that doesn't want anything to do with our wedding. She's coming, but thats the extent of it. It hurts, no matter if its your mother or your mother in law, it still hurts.
I totally know what you mean--my fiances family is HUGE and I wanted something small. But, having his family there means so much to him, I caved, and now we're having a big wedding.
I love the inn idea. I think it's a great compromise--you get the ceremony, he gets the reception. To get people to stop whining: Maybe show a video of the ceremony at the reception, or have a ring ceremony before the reception to make that crowd feel included.
Good luck!
I was feeling exactly the same way...
Here is a recent post I did about feeling guilty planning a small wedding in Ireland.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/feeling-guilty-travel-costs-for-guests-to-attend-our-wedding-in-ireland
Good Luck!
Abby
We are doing the small island wedding for 35 wth reception on the beach, and then huge 200 people reception at home that my parents want the month after we come back. Everyone is happy. Or happy enough, but the bride and groom are very happy, so that's most important! I will wear my dress and veil again at home, and will do 1st dance, father/daughter dance, bouquet etc for everyone to see, plus run looped video of actual wedding as well during this second reception.
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Hello hive, it is me, miss "cannot make up her mind, going to give myself a aneurism" again.
This time its big. I've just finished up a rather dramatic quarter-life crisis, and have recovered with an astonishing revelation... I don't want a big wedding. To catch you up, my fiance has a massive family, we have a meager budget. I come from a rather broken home and have difficulties dealing with the idea of marriage. I. will. not. be. divorced.
I have never dreamed of a big wedding, therefore why am I planning one? The reception of course must be as big and epic as my fiance's family's receptions typically are but what of the wedding?
I decided to we will go half a state away on a Thursday to get married in an exquisitely beautiful Inn in front of a fireplace in December. How romantic? Just 30 guests: moms, dads, grandparents, and friends who might as well be family. Its really what I've always wanted.
Heres the kicker. The complications come a'rolling in. "Well certain family members wont travel all the way here just to attend a reception" ..."Well, now all the family member have to pay for rooms and food they never would have had to pay for"....."The more I have to spend on the ceremony, the less we are giving you for a honeymoon"....."Wont your family be mad if they dont get to go to the wedding?" GAHHHHHH!
What do I do? Generally, the family is ok with the idea, some are happy, some will just go through the motions for my sake, but I really want everyone to feel as happy and relaxed as I do. Do you think having the reception 2 days later (saturday) is a bad idea? Am I just going crazy and need to revert to my original big church wedding plan?
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