(Closed) *breathing into paper bag* NEED. SUPPORT.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What to do about the ceremony...
    Shut up, and have a big church wedding like its "supposed to be" : (6 votes)
    10 %
    Romantic, intimate wedding at a historical inn *swoon* : (49 votes)
    80 %
    Attempt to compromise the issue (if you vote on this, you HAVE to give me some ideas) : (6 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    360 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2009 - Westwind YWCA camp

    DON’T let family members (or anyone else!) bully you into having a wedding you don’t feel comfortable at.

     go with your gut, and try to let the catty comments roll off your back.  People always complain before a wedding, and then shut up & have a good time AT the wedding.

     *hug*!  good luck, honey! 

    Post # 4
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I didn’t vote because I don’t know how to, but I wantd to share since I feel like I was in a very similar boat!  I reeeeeeally didn’t want a huge wedding at all – I’m not the type for attention, to me it’s a very personal, private thing and it bothers me that "how’s the wedding planning going?" comes up everytime I see my relatives now.  I was all for eloping, or a really teensy ceremony up north and then a bbq with everybody later.  My fiance, however, was totally not.  He has a larger family than I do (mostly just because I don’t know my mom’s side, just super tight with my dad’s side of about 35 people) and it was really important to him that they ALL be there.  If we invited everybody it’s like 150, which is too big in my mind, but may not be to others.

    We talked about it a lot, and it’s hard because we’re among the first of our friends getting married and we’re both the first in our generation to be getting married.  So people kind of expect a big party, they’re totally excited.  And I decided to just let it go.

    So I guess I compromised, and ultimately, I’m okay with it.  I do get a little wistful imagining how lovely my ideal would be, but I’m kind of a people pleaser.  We decided we’d invite the whole crew but we’re going to do our best to make it a really casual event with few little Wedding Traditions as possible.  Made me more comfortable, made all the family happy, and it’s all good. 

    Post # 5
    1276 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    (((Hugs))), and what Miss Rye Bread said.

    This is about your marriage.  And the Inn is gorgeous!!

    Post # 6
    613 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    everyone has an opinion about my wedding…  why is it in MI?  why isnt it in a church?  people will be offended if they have to travel and there isnt a ‘dinner’ at the reception.   all of the Out of Town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner. 

    I am paying for it so they can kiss my kester.  dont compromise your vision, your dream, or your budget to appease everyone else.

    Good luck!

    Post # 7
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2008

    Hello there!  I think the Inn wedding sounds wonderful.  Keep in mind that a marriage is between two people that love eachother and are committed to eachother.  A wedding is a formal recognition of that committment, where you invite the people you want to witness your devotion to eachother.  A recption is a celebration of that life long committment and does not need to be right after the wedding.  I’ve gone to receptions weeks and even months later. 

    It is very easy to get caught up in what everyone else wants for you.  Everyone seems to have an opinion when it comes to weddings — and this can be very frustrating.  I suggest that you and your fh sit down and decide what the two of you want, and then do exactly that.  Yes, you will have to deal with crap from family and friends, but NO MATTER WHAT CHOICE you make, you will NOT MAKE EVERYONE happy — you will deal with crap no matter what.

    Good luck, and let us know what you decide!

    Post # 8
    1423 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    So you never dreamed of a big wedding, but now you’re marrying into a big (and from what it sounds) close family who are all excited about your upcoming marriage and want to attend?  I really have to be honest here, say that you are so, so lucky to have all those people who want to support you on your wedding day.  That’s a GOOD thing. (Like a My Big Fat Greek Wedding kind of good).

    I come from a big family, my fiance comes from a big family and both of our families see weddings as sort of a rite of passage: it’s what really makes ‘you’ one of ‘us’.  Sure marriages on the whole do something similar, but actually being present on the day of the wedding just makes it all so much more real and meaningful and wonderful.  To be excluded from that can be a real disappointment.  And these are people who will be your family, too … it may be worth conceding on a few big things in order to take the feelings of others into account. 

    Post # 10
    157 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I go on the idea that if it’s your budget it’s your final decision, really. I think the Inn you picked looks amazing, by the way!

    If it is really a case of family wanting to celebrate the occasion with you (and not a case of people wanted their own ‘dream’ wedding, not yours,) then you could always treat it like a destination wedding and do a big get together when you get back. For the sake of your budget make it clear that the point of this is for everyone to be able to rejoice with you, not for you to provide a formal ‘reception’ style experience.  

    Post # 11
    25 posts

    oye vey!  So many things to consider.

    I think that you should do what feels right without the pressure of hte family.  If his parents are paying for the wedding and reception, then it is hard to not heed some of their suggestions.  However, if you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, you should do what is right for you.

     Just because there is an expectation, does not mean you have to fulfill them.  It is interesting how some won’t come to the inn due to additional expense, but have no problem going to a "near home" wedding / reception.  Those who really care about you will make a little vacation of it.  Those who can’t afford it will understand (would you be in debt for 1 night vs have a meaningful ceremony).  And if having a reception for his family is really important, would his parents be willing to host it? (just a thought)

     Things have a way of working out….wishing you luck.

    Post # 12
    1048 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

    Oh my gosh, what a beautiful place to get married!

    Complications and family go hand-in-hand. I’ve been told plenty of things about our parents-only ceremony and complete absence of reception. We won’t get as many gifts. People will feel bad for not being invited. Etc etc. But then, when I WAS tossing around the idea of having a big wedding, some family members were saying we shouldn’t do it HERE, where we LIVE, because people won’t enjoy coming here as much as they would somewhere else (for example, closer to where these particular relatives lived).  If people are going to be upset that our wedding day was about us, I’m sorry… but that is a very negative attitude to have.

     But then, step back and think… who is your day for? Is it for YOU, or is it for your families? Some people do have their wedding for their families. if that’s the case, you should listen to what they want. If you want it to be about the two of you and what you want, then you’ll have to be a little firm and a little selfish.  What I’m getting from your naysayers is that, basically, if you aren’t going to spend the money on THEM having a good time, they’re not going to spend money on you, and/or they’re going to be mad at you or "punish" you by not attending your day. I guess my point is that there are always naysayers. Do what you want and let the family deal with it however they please. You seem so happy about the Inn. Do it, girl!!!!! (And share the pics after you do!)

    Post # 13
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    first off, ((((((HUGS))))))))

    I picked the Inn option because you that is obviously what you want. I was/am in a similar situation and how i decided was, would i regret that i didnt do what i wanted? And my answer was yes. . i didnt want to look at my wedding pictures and sigh because we are in a huge white church and not outside surrounded by beautiful New England Fall Foliage. So what i’m saying is go with whats good for YOU and your Fiance

    Good luck!

    Post # 14
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 1990

    You could always have an intimate outdoor ceremony instead of a big church wedding.  I’m not religious and would NEVER EVER have any kind of religious overtones to my ceremony, so Fiance and I are getting married at a restaurant.  The ceremony will be outside on the ocean, so I don’t have to spend a lot of money on the decor (I’m on a bit of a budget as well) and it’s much more casual.  I’ve never dreamed of a big wedding either and definitely don’t want that, I can understand you completely there.

    Those photos are just GORGEOUS.  I say go for what you want!!  Feel better 🙂 Make sure to make the decision that is right for you, it is your wedding after all!

    Post # 15
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    The Inn looks beautiful and I’m sure you would have a very lovely wedding there.

    Just one question though – does your fiance also want the small, intimate wedding?  Or is he concerned about upsetting his family?  As long as he is also on board with an intimate wedding plan, I think your wedding will be wonderful! 

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