- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Lately it seems like I am struggling with my body wieght issue more than normal.
Growing up I didnt always have the best support when it came to my weight. I was 5’4 150lbs, very active (was a gymnast all the way through high school) and very toned. My mother, on the other hand, had a HUGE issue with my weight. She would constantly tell me how overweight and fat I was and urged me to work out even more than I already was. I’ll never forget the one time she told me that I would never get married because anyone who was as fat and ugly as I was unable to be loved. To this day that comment has haunted me. Reguardless of my mothers constant “friendly” reminders”, I would fantasize about my one day wedding.
Starting from a really young age, as Im sure most girls do, I would dream about my weddingand always see myself as “skinny” beautiful bride. I would think about how when I one day got engaged I would get super in shape and feel the best I’ve ever felt, make my mother proud. Well, when I went off to college I blew up. Not only did I gain the “freshman 15”, but I also gained my roommates as well. Though, I didnt pay much attention to it, I dreaded going home and seeing my mom and what comments I could expect. Over the years to follow I had hit some pretty bumpy roads, which lead me back to my parents house, and turned to food to comfort me….all the way to 210lbs. I became so depressed that it came to a point that I would rarely leave the house or really communicate with anyone, but my family. With the added stress of living back with my mothers comments, I finally snapped and went on a HUGE crash diet. I got all the way back to 150lbs and had new found boost of confidence.
This is when I met my Fiance. This seemed to be the highest point of my life. My bumps that I had encoutered before had become smooth sailing, I had a body I was finally confident about and a wonderful man. Well, in the mist of riding high my Fiance and I had gotten “comfortable” with each other and I gained 15lbs back, but I was OK with it. In addition,my Fiance and I found out that we were expecting. We were over joyed, but the idea of gaining weight plagued me. I was so affraid of what comments I would endore from my mother. Long story short I had a very complicated pregnancy which restricted me to bedrest for over 6 months and another huge does of stress which lead me back to overeating all the way to 245lbs.
It was a VERY hard pill for me to swallow. In the mist of all the mixed emotions of being a new mother to a beautiful baby boy and depression about my weight my mother came to me to appologize for how she had treated me growing up and wanted to let me know how beautiful she thinks I am. As wonderful it was to finally hear my mom say these words, it was hard for me to take them seriously. After 25 years of hearing negitivity, its hard to put it in the past. Reguardless of what body issues I still had my mother and I started to rebuild a healthy and happy relationship.
A few months later my Fiance popped the question on Mothers Day at a huge First Mothers Day party my mom had hosted in my honor (her idea of course not mine). As happy as I was that I was just proposed to by the man of my dreams, all I could think about was how embarrassed I was that everyone was looking at me and how disguesting I looked. At that moment I made the desicion that we would have a the longest engagement I could convince my Fiance of and would get to that picture perfect image of myself that I had always drempt of. To help motivate me I went wedding dress shopping and purchased my wedding dress quite a few sizes smaller, against the consultants advice. That motivation lasted about a week. I dont know if it was out of sight out of mind or that my mothers old ways had started up again, but I blocked the wedding and the need to lose weight out of my mind. Well, months later when my dress came in (4 months ago) I had lost only 15lbs (in addition to losing the baby and water weight that came with not being pregnant anymore) and was sitting at 218lbs, oceans away from fitting into the dress. I began to panic. What the hell was I going to do? Its too late to order a new one and I wasnt confident I was going to be able to lose enough weight to come close.
I knew I had no option, but to fully commit to dieting, not only for my dress, but I wanted to feel good about myself again and most importantly I wanted to be healthy for my son. Well, tellling myself this and actually doing it are 2 totally different things. 2 months had gone by and I hadnt lost a pound. I started to think maybe Im not worthy of feeling good or having the wedding I always dreamed about. My Fiance, who is so amazing, sat me down and told me he could see the hurt and pain in my eyes and wanted to know what was going on. I had never told him my image issues or the type of relationship my mother and I really had. I had always tried to put on a good front and act like everything was perfect. He was so sad to hear I was feeling the way and told me that he thought I was beautiful the way I was and will love me regaurdless of my weight. I was so touched and admittedly releived, that it made me want to do it even more just for him.
I finally commited to this diet and had lost antoher 29lbs and currently at 189lbs. As happy as Ive felt with losing this weight, my dress still didnt fit – not even close and it took a huge emtional toll on me. My Future Mother-In-Law saw this and offered to take me dress shopping just to see what my options would be if I needed to get a new dress. I was slightly embarrassed, but knew she was coming from a good place and I needed to be realisic – what if the wedding day comes and I still dont fit into the dress? We went and while explaining my situation to the consultant she jumped up and shouted “I have the perfect dress for you!”. She told us that she had just gotten in a brand new Maggie Sottero (the same designer of my orginal dress) that morning, no one had tried it on, it was in my size and met all the criteria I had listed. While she ran off to go get it I was doing my best not to get my hopes up. I had no idea what this dress looked like nor if It would really fit. She brought it out and it was beautiful, everything I wanted other than the color, but I could look past that. Now I just needed to try it on…..while she was lacing up the back I stood there with my eyes closed praying it wouild close. IT DID! I walked out and my Future Mother-In-Law and I both started to cry. Needless to say we purchased the dress.
While I am so relieved to have a beautiful dress that fits, Im still struggling with the image I have in my mind of what I want to look like on my wedding day. I am still fully commited to my diet, but starting to feel a little discouraged. I have seemed to hit a little platau and the lbs arnt dropping off as quickly as before. I set a goal at the beggining to be at 170 by the day of and I know Its obtainable, only 19 more lbs in 57 days, but Im in need of some helpful and healthy tips on how I can reach my goal. I already am eating healthy and am on a Dr. regulated low calorie diet while working out and would love to hear some suggestions on whats worked for you.
I appologize for the VERY long post and look forward to reading your suggestions! Thanks ladies! 🙂