Post # 1
Tonight I intend on baking about one hundred cupcakes in three varieties for my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s bridal shower this weekend. While thinking about my plan for the next two days so that these cupcakes look magazine spread- worthy, I started to consider all the things I’ve worked on for this bridal shower, all the things that other people have worked on, and about how wonderful it will be for the bride to have this day of celebration in her honor.
I’m happy for my soon-to-be-sister but I feel bummed out and jealous (in a non-mean way) because I’m a bride too and I just don’t feel like one. She was proposed to about a week before me over the summer and ever since then I’ve been living in her bridal shadow. Her older brother, my fiancé, feels bad that he asked me the question right after she was proposed to and worries about upstaging his sister. And while I understand where he’s coming from and agree that it would be sad to make her feel bad in any way about her wedding, it’s disheartening to me that I have to wait for her big day to be over before I can be excited about mine. He’s asked me on multiple occasions to not talk about our wedding with his family members because he feels bad for stealing his sister’s thunder and he has confided to me that he feels worried about possibly “upstaging” her proposal (hers was a cute dinner proposal and ours was an all day scavenger hunt) and her engagement party (she held hers in a hall and we did a DIY backyard BBQ). He’s also been reluctant to engage in private conversations with me about our wedding, as we have “so much time to plan” (we have about 18 months now till our date). Personally, I don’t think anything’s been or can be upstaged. Everyone has their own style, their own lives to live, and if we’re all happy with it then I’m not sure how there can be bad in the differences. I loved her proposal and her engagement party and I loved ours.
I’m not a dramatic person, I care very deeply about other’s feelings and I’ve tried to keep an open mind about my predicament but as a result I feel a little distanced from the joys of being engaged. Instead of feeling excited and special and eager to plan, I just feel nervous like I’m walking on eggshells around my own wedding and reluctant to think about it because it seems to make my fiancé uncomfortable. He didn’t want to go on vacation with me this summer because he thought it would upstage his sister’s honeymoon, which I find to be a little silly. She’s older than me and I’m really not sure whether she cares what we do, she’s just happy about her wedding and happy for us. And me, well, I’m wondering if I’m missing out on that bridal bliss people talk about and I’m sadly confused about what I’m supposed to do about the way I feel. Obviously, I should explain my feelings to my fiancé but my mental state is this: if I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t understand (I’m almost positive that he won’t) then I will feel even more embarrassed and disappointed. If he does understand and feels bad then I’m going to feel bad about hurting his feelings. And finally, how do I cope with the fact that Ive been holding in and repressing my happiness for almost 10 months, associate my engagement/wedding with guilty and negative feelings, and now feel almost trained to stay quiet about my plans for my own wedding? I’m the kind of girl who’s been daydreaming about her wedding since first grade and it just seems kinda mean and sad that I should be feeling so understated and uncomfortable about my own engagement. I’m really bummed. If anything, thanks bees for letting me vent.
Post # 3
(So thoughtfully/carefully written. Bumping so it doesn’t get buried)
Post # 4
I’m so sorry 🙁 So your FI doesnt want you to talk about it to his family, but what about to him when it’s just you two? Honestly I would still keep quietish about it but I would start planning with my maids and my family, it is understandable that you both want to protect your FSILs wedding but I feel you might be dissappointed if when it is your time they wont be as excited because, usually, families are more excited when daughters get married than when sons do. But I dont see why you can’t be excited with your family/friends and look at venues and take your FI but still keep it quiet around his family, because hey it is your day too!!! Whenever his family asks you guys what plans you have you can mention that you did some planning but didnt make a big deal about it because you were very excited about your FSILs wedding and wanted her to have her moment.
Post # 5
@ThePhilosophersOldLady: aww hugs. I can totally relate. i understand it hard to remember you have every right to be excited about your own wedding too without feeling bad about “upstaging” anyone else.
my FI has two younger siblings, 1 sister who is my age and 1 brother who is 2 yrs younger than me. they BOTH got engaged literlly within 8 months of my engagement. The FSIL got engaged in another state and the family dont really like her fi, but shes their only daughter so i feel like my future parents IL care about hers more than their eldest sons (my fi) wedding. And my FBIL made a HUGE she-bang for his proposal amazing race scavenger hunt thing too, whereas my fi had a little intimate midnight proposal (I was actually so sad about this i made a thread about it). They dont care about upstaging us, so why should i take caution upstaging them? it was extra hard for my because my FBILs fi is actually my bestie and bm. So wedding talk now between us is hard to balance planning mine and planning hers (even tho hers is 2 yrs after mine).
i dont know if im helping at all but just letting you know, you always have somewhere to vent here on the Bee and know you are not alone in feeling these Bridal Blues – i still go thru stages of these on and off. It helps knowing that even strangers online can relate and always willing to listen. All the best sweets <3 just remember your wedding is more special to you than anyone so make it so (:
Post # 6
@Shesaidyes: Thank you for the compliment and for “beeing” there.
Post # 7
@minipenguin: You are right, I should focus my energy on my bridal party and family. I think that is excellent advice. To answer your question, he doesn’t seem to want to talk about the wedding with me. I suspect that it’s partially because he doesn’t know what to talk about. However, when I bring up ideas I can’t help but sense his unease when I’m speaking. He has a tendency to shut me down by saying,”We can worry about that later.” So, we’ve picked our venue (and that was not without some push and shove on my part) and that’s all. Everything else seems suspended in the air and I’m afraid that when his sister is finally wed and he finally feels comfortable about planning with me I will have already resigned myself to the same state of mind he seems to be in now.
@princessggg: It does help knowing that there is someone out there giving me a mental hug and understands how I feel. Thank you very much for sharing your feelings with me. I wish you all the very best as well. 🙂
Post # 8
Why are you complaining? You’re getting married! I wish I was a bride to be! You will get your chance to be the center of attention, don’t worry.