Post # 1
As most of you know, I have had several issues with my bridesmaids. FI’s sisters (although I once had problems with one) have been so supportive and helpful, and we have gotten much closer from planning the wedding. My sister has always been there for me, and does everything and anything she can for the wedding.
However, I have consistently had problems with two of my other BM’s, both of which were (at one point) considered my best friends. They have been really crappy to me throughout my planning process, and we have drifted far apart. They never call me or text me or invite me out with them. They now call themselves “the besties” and I have been left in the dust. I stopped trying to call either of them or make plans because they would always bail out, or just make plans without me. I can’t continue to keep putting my precious time and effort into people who clearly do not value my friendship.
I have decided that after the wedding I am going to just let the friendships with both of them fizzle out. They can go on their merry way and I will go on mine. It’s sad, but like I said I just can’t devote the energy to one sided relationships.
The problem is, I am really regretting having them in my bridal party. I don’t want them there for all the special events. I don’t want them there for my bachelorette party, or the rehearsal, or rehearsal dinner. I don’t want to buy gifts for them….they didn’t get gifts for me for my shower and refused to give any money or help out. They merely showed up and brought a small platter that was half-assed. I don’t want them at my wedding. I don’t want them standing at the altar behind my new husband and I. I don’t want them in my wedding pictures. I don’t know what to do.
I REFUSE to kick them out of the wedding because I don’t believe in that and I think it would be rude. Just because they are being rude to me does not mean that I have to follow suit.
Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle this? Should I just grin and bear it for the day? I am so heartbroken over this.
Post # 3
Maybe they feel like you won’t be friends with them after the wedding? They may be mourning the loss of a friend. I would reach out to them and tell them you miss their friendship and you feel like it’s falling apart. If that doesn’t work, send me their emails or phone numbers and I can kick them out of your wedding for you if you want! 🙂
Post # 4
@soonergirl518: HAHAHAHA! <forwarding to you now> Hehe just kiddin.’ I have tried and tried with them but nothing ever changes. I’ve had talks with them, girls nights to try to bring us closer together, everything. Nothing works 🙁
Post # 5
@soonergirl518: I had a similar thought – that they feel like you’re moving on to the next stage in your life and they don’t really connect with it. I’m the same way with our friends who have kids. FI and I plan on never having kids, so when our friends have kids, we start losing touch because we don’t have as much in common. It’s not something we do on purpose but it just seems to happen… they get busy with something new in their lives, and we continue on with the same things we’ve been doing. Even when we try to get together, it just doesn’t work out.
I think just let things run their course. Either these girls will eventually realize that you’re still just as much in the friendship as before, or they just can’t connect with the life changes you’re going through. You’ve made your efforts, at some point they’ll have to contact you about the wedding or else they’ll kind of slink out of your life quietly. It’s kind of immature, sadly, but that’s what they’re choosing to do.
Post # 6
Are they married? Maybe they’re jealous that your having all this wedding planning and everything is about you and your Fiance (not saying you’re being self centered) and it’s just highlighting their jealousy. And they say misery loves company so maybe they’re just commiserating together? Even if they are married maybe it’s still jealousy that they’re no longer the ‘bride’. Maybe once the wedding is over they will get their acts together and realizr how they had been acting. Sorry you have to deal with this, I hope it gets easier!
Post # 7
First off, I’m sorry that they are being so inconsiderate of you and your friendship. I’ve seen this kind of thing before and it doesn’t just happen with weddings. I’ve seen threesomes (get your mind out the gutter…lol) get split up into 2 vs. 1 when the 1 gets a new boyfriend, has to move away for school, starts making more money, working more hours, has a baby, etc., etc., etc. I’m willing to bet that they are alienating you because they are assuming that you will break off from them once you marry.
I agree that you shouldn’t kick them out. However, I might try talking to them straight up before just letting the friendships fizzle. Maybe if you call them out on how they are treating you they will realize that it is unnecessary (and childish) or, if not, then you can justify letting them go. As far as your wedding events are concerned, just ignore them and focus on the people that actually care about you and want to be around you. Don’t worry about what they do or don’t do or don’t give you. Just do you and let them be “Patty and Selma” all stink-eyed in the corner while you are the Cinderella (or Marge? lol) of the ball.
Post # 8
well just tell them you dont feel like they care and are not trying hard enough and maybe its too much for them and find new ones. or have none. you can still have them at the wedding just as guests. i only have one bridesmaid and personally i think now i would rather have had none. i feel sometimes she doesn’t care or want to really help. its more like, “if you need help let me know” but when you do need help they dont want to. i asked my Bridesmaid or Best Man to help pay for some food for my reception and i would consider that our wedding gift, maybe 50-$100 cause i am going cheap and she rejected the idea. i am about done with her personally. i am not even having a shower or party!!! i even bought a cheap used dress from frickin goodwill i liked so she wouldnt have to spend $100 on a dress. i am personally more annoyed from her than having any joy out my planning. so yeah, if it is causing you stress tell them to step down and you will get other ppl who care.
OR when you do ask for help and she is willing to give it, concerning prices she “thinks” that certain things are reasonably priced. when i asked her to help with food and she rejected she said well i dont think $350 for catering is that bad (keep in mind thats only for 30 ppl. doesnt include beer, etc. its like she is clueless as to how much a real wedding costs. sometimes i think she is just ignorant. so she cant help me with $50-100 for food, but $350 is “not that bad” to her. she gets on my last nerve.
so if u cant stand them, then let em go. i am half tempted to do so myself.
Post # 9
@mnt.082011: As a direct response to you: asking a bridesmaid to pay for the reception is a very… off… thing to do. Without trying to be “snarky,” if I was in a similar situation as your bridemaids, I too would be offended. Asking a bridesmaid to contribute is one thing… if it involves time, energy, etc. Money is always a tricky issue, and asking her to essentially pay for her own plate, and maybe a date’s (which is what $50-100 would generally round out to) is very tactless, especially if you’re already asking her to contribute in general. Going one step further and telling her, “That can be your gift to us,” is akin to the often controversial issue of outrightly asking for money on registries and such. $350 ISN’T that bad for food… but SHE is not responsible for paying for the wedding–that is you, your groom, and/or your family.
Moral of the story? Even though you’re not the OP, I would tell you: before writing off that friend, REALLY take a look at what you yourself are doing. Your friend may be “diseappearing” more because, not only are you offending the friend, you are punishing her by taking no consideration for her.