Post # 1
My MOH lives out of state and she’s planning my bridal shower. She’s including the other five girls in the decisions too (one who also lives out of state and another who lives hours away. I’m thankful she’s doing this for me even though she lives out of state. Problem is my future gMa-in-law assumed that she would be the one throwing the shower for me and might be a little bothered that my MOH is taking care of it. My MOH has no problem with planning it with my gMa-in-law but the thing is she tends to get all bent out of shape when a party or get together does not turn out the way she planned it and she starts to knit pick at little things. When one of my future sis-in-law mentioned to her about the shower plans (MOH emailed her with some ideas) she said in snotty remarks Well, I already planned on doing blah blah blah and I’m doing this and that… Nobody had any clue that she was trying to plan this also. And it’s not like it was suppose to be a surprise or anything. I have friends that are flying in from out of state and they need to buy plane tickets asap so her not clueing anybody in on her ideas does not help. My MOH and bridal party thought it’d be nice if they could plan it that way everybody else can relax and not have to worry about it. MOH called asking me my opinion. I personally would prefer to have the party planned by my bridal party (b/c they’re the ones that know me best… they wanted that to be one of the group gifts from them) and also have it in my backyard (it’s huge and everybody knows where I live.)
With that said Do I tell gMa-in-law what my MOH’s plans are and what I want or do I let her plan it. *Note: she’s in her mid 70s and her parties are a little different than someone in their mid 20s. LoL
Post # 3
hmm- well you don’t want to upset the G’ma. would you be open to your g’ma throwing the bridal shower and then maybe your girls throwing you a more girlie fun sort of shindig a little later?
sticky situation ya got there. It will all work out though
Post # 4
can’t she just help? typically its the bridal party that throws it anyway, so maybe she should have discussed this with everyone first?
Post # 5
can you have two showers — one for your friends and one for family (assuming that there wouldn’t be guest overlap, of course)? i just know that i wouldn’t want to upset either party, and if both want to throw you a shower, i would let them.
Post # 6
Have two showers. That’s what a lot of people in my circle of friends do. One for the family and older friends of the family that is usually planned by an aunt or grandmother and then one for the younger people planned by the bridal party.
Post # 7
We thought about having two as to not upset her but we’re going to keep it small anyways so having two parties would just be wierd b/c than both parties will be extremely small. My MOH is fine with her helping but gMa does not just "help." She takes over and she steps on toes. Nobody, not even her kids and grandkids can suggest any ideas to her. One of her daughters said to me the other day "I’m surprise gMa hasn’t taken over your wedding already." And I really don’t want to hang out with a bunch of old people that I don’t know (which is the majority of her guest list.) Also why we can’t have two parties is that there’s so much going on between now and the wedding I won’t have time for a second party. I want to keep it simple and not burden anyone. I also work weekends and I’m also in another friends wedding. I guess when I see her in a couple days I’ll see what she has to say. It’s funny b/c this situation bugged her whole family and not just me. She’s been known not to consult anyone else of her ideas and planning in the past.
Post # 8
Be strong, NorCalBride. Weddings & showers have a tendency to cause people to go cuckoo. Family members use it as an excuse to demonstrate their party throwing skills, that’s why they want to invite all of their friends and forget that the party is about YOU!
Sounds like Gma has earned the rep of steamrolling, just because others have let her doesn’t mean you have to. Stand firm and tell her that your bridal party is planning the shower, andreiterate that plans need to be communicated early since many are incurring costs to travel to celebrate with you.
Tell her you’d prefer it to be small with just people you know so you have adequate time to spend with everyone. If Gma invites all of her friends, you’ll be stuck spending time at your shower making non-versation over people you care about.
I know it’s easier said than done, so practice what you’re going to say and do it as positively as possible. Good luck!
Post # 9
I know that you may feel bad a bout this but I think it is best to have your MOH approach your Gma. As she is the one plannign the party. You may be surprised at how well your Gma is willing to cooperate if she is asked to help. Have your MOH plan most things out and call heer regarding suggestions and perhaps picking up thing for the shower. (Maybe she picks up the paperware or the flowers or something like that.) It also doesn;t hurt to ask her for caterign suggestions or to make the dessserts.
You as the bride should not officially be involved with the planning of your shower. At worst ask your FMIL to step in and talk to Gma since she has a lot more experience with her.
Post # 10
If your Gma’s guest list is mostly different than you MOH’s, I don’t see any problem with two showers. Even if they are both small. It sounds like they would be very different parties anyway.
I didn’t think I was having any showers, but am now apparently having three – all small. One supposedly planned by my cousins but really planned by an aunt who sounds like your Gma (the extended family shower). We will play traditional shower games and I suppose I will end up with a paper-plate-covered-with-bows hat. One planned by my girlfriends, which will way more fun and involve a lot of alcohol. And one at work, and I have no idea what that will be like, except that since we work for the government there will be NO alcohol.
What I wouldn’t do is put anyone in the position of having to tangle with Gma about the details. Just let her plan her party with her friends, and if she asks about inviting the younger crowd let her know they are throwing a separate shower and you don’t think they need to be invited to two. If Gma thinks she owns all shower rights, she will just have to learn that she doesn’t! Seriously, probably the biggest problem I have with any of my FILs is with one woman who ALWAYS gets her own way with the rest of FI’s family. If you don’t establish an appropriate precedent right up front, you will be really sorry later!
Post # 11
I can SO RELATE! I just threw a baby shower(in lajolla) for my best friend and had to somehow find a way to coordinate with NASCAR fan and dune buggie racing MIL (I hope I painted a good picture on that one) and super cheap country bumpkin mom of best friend. So, here is how I handled it and maybe it will help…
First off you are the guest of honor and not the host and any etiquette faux pas are truly not your problem. Your job is to enjoy this time in your life… OK back to reality… Ask yourself who do you really trust more here to call the shots? In my friends case it was me. She and I practiced a very fun enthusiastic phone call where I let Mom and MIL both know that I am really excited to be doing this and I felt really bad but with all my crazy over the top over ambitious enthusiasm I had already planed most of the shower out and oh my gosh I hope you love my ideas! I am just so excited about Susie’s baby (wedding)! Here’s what I planned….. I love it and I just know Suzie will too.
The key to the above is that your MOH has told G’ma that these decisions are already made and it is not up to debate. While being non-confrotational, most (and certainly not all) people are much kinder with strangers than their own family 🙂
Here’s the kicker ready…:
I am so happy we are doing this together because I really need your help with (insert name of thing that G’ma LOVES doing and showing off that she can be proud of) what else do you want to do? Now you tell your MOH to back off and if g.ma shows up with a slab of Velveeta with A1 steak sauce smothered all over it MOH tells her it is the best most beautiful cheese spread she has ever seen (oh by the way that did turn up at the Luau shower ugh! ).
But please NorCalBride remember to let go yourself, relax no matter what happens it will be fine even if g’ma steps on everyone toes she’s a g’ma and in a way kinda gets to 🙂
Let them work it out and you just enjoy the ride, this is your wedding all you have to do at these showers is show up and be in love with your groom. Good luck and I hope this helps (ps go buy the Emily post etiquette book it’s great on these things and sorry for the uper long post! )
Post # 12
You guys’ are hilirious I feel a little better. Here’s the thing. My MOH, who’s also been my BF since grade school, would like this to be her contribution as MOH. Being that she lives out of state she can’t come with me on a lot of my wedding appointments that FI and I didn’t think he needed to be there for (women stuff.) Planning this shower was easier for her to do. Truthfully I did not expect a shower at all. Nor have I mentioned that thought to ANYONE. *Side note: For as long as I’ve known FI his gMa has been the "Go-to bank" in the family. She’s already helped us with a lot of stuff (wedding and non-wedding) that I don’t want her to shell out any more money. Everything that she’s given us we have not asked for (but appreciated of course.) She tends to stress out too much during big events like this. She’s almost 76 and has a bad heart so I just want her to relax and enjoy herself. I feel like she doesn’t trust my friends to do this for me. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the gester. I just wished she would’ve clued me in on the plans even if I shouldn’t be involved.
tberry: Thanks for the tip! I didn’t even think to talk to FMIL. She, of course, knows her own mother really well. She’s said to me in the beginning of this planning process that "I will give you advice on your planning if YOU ASK for it otherwise I will stay out of your way. This is your and *FI’s wedding. You do it the way you guys want it." If only someone else thought the same way. I will keep your tip in mind the next time I see her.