Bridal Shower Etiquette – Who's Throwing the Party?!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Generally, if you plan, you pay. However, the bride and Mother typically don’t host the shower, it’s thought to be poor etiquette. i do have some Italian friends whose mothers were very involved with the shower so it could be a cultural difference. I would definitely ask the MOH. It’s not fair at all to plan something and expecting someone to pay without consulting them about their budget first. Let us know what happens!

Post # 4
42166 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would speak with the MOH as soon as possible to clarify what her expectations are.

Post # 5
6697 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s up to the bride’s close friends to offer to organize and throw a shower, but it is voluntary, not an obligation.  If you haven’t offered to host, been involved in the planning or  been asked to co-host, you aren’t hosting. 

Nobody can bill you without your permission. 

Post # 7
6697 posts
Bee Keeper

@kms2122:  Under the circumstances, I especially can’t imagine the bride expects anything from you.   I would not say anything to MOH unless I was prepared to offer my help.  

Post # 8
1928 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My mother planned and paid for my shower.  However, the invitations said ‘hosted by the bridesmaids’ because my mom felt it was improper for them not to be ‘hosts’.  I don’t think my mom even asked the bridesmaids if they wanted to host it, she just put them on the invites.  I stayed out of it all!

I can’t imagine you will be presented with a bill!

Post # 10
168 posts
Blushing bee

I’m in a super similar predicament. I’m a bridesmaid in my sister-in-law’s wedding and her MOH has been planning the bridal shower for months at the requests of the bride’s lofty expectations (expensive venue, etc.) The bridesmaids haven’t really had a say in planning, but the MOH has filled us all in on things here and there. I offered to pick up decorations and such to contribute. The MOH just messaged me last night (6 weeks prior to the shower) and asked how much I paid for stuff because she’s going to add it to the total cost that will be divided between the bridesmaids and moms. I’m in complete shock she didn’t let anyone know these expectations. If I had known I would have liked more of a say in the planning. I can’t really say I can’t afford it, but it goes against etiquette in my opinion and it’s rude to ask guests to contribute when they’re already bringing a gift. To add to the situation, the bride was just a bridesmaid in my wedding a few months ago. She is very cheap and did not offer to help or contribute to my shower or bachelorette events, so I almost feel like I owe her nothing. When you become a MOH, don’t you just assume responsibility of planning and paying for the shower and bachelorette party unless someone else willingly offers?

Post # 11
376 posts
Helper bee

If you are hosting, you would know. If you aren’t hosting, you have no responsibilities.

If the Bridesmaids are expected to contribute funds to the shower, it’s the first responsibility of the person organizing to consulted each ‘Maid to find out what they can/want to contribute. Then the planner knows her budget. You establish a budget first, then plan. Not plan, then bill out of the blue.

An unexpected bill? If that’s what happens, I’d be pissed!

Post # 12
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@kms2122:  It sounds like the bride is hosting her own shower, which is impolite, but not as impolite as planning her own shower and then sending other people the bill! I really hope THAT is not the plan, but this sounds like a shitshow in the making.

I think you should definitely talk to the MOH right away and nip this in the bud. I might say something along the lines of, “I would love to contribute to the shower in some way. Can I give you $X to help with the expenses?”

With $X being whatever number you are comfortable contributing. Of course, if you don’t want to contribute anything (which is 100% ok, btw), you will need a different approach.

Post # 13
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I would definitely ask the MOH right away.

Also, just because you can afford something, doesn’t mean that someone else can tell you how to spend your money. That $1000 she may ask for could be used for a vacation, a down payment on a new car, or retirement. Just because you have the money in the bank does not mean that you have to fork it over for a party you didn’t plan.

FI and I have a combined income that is a heck of a lot more than most of our friends, but do you want to know what our monthly budget is? $2000. We live on $2000 a month including all bills, fun money (vacations/clothes), going out to dinner, and minor car repairs. We are saving everything else for a house. I am not willing to take half of OUR monthly budget and spend it on a party. Do I have plenty of money in my savings account? Hell yes I do, but that is for a house, not a party.

Post # 14
6697 posts
Bee Keeper

@lastlastfirst:  If someone has the nerve to ask, you can have just as much nerve to say no.  You don’t have to pretend its about finances. Just say, I’m sorry i’m not comfortable with how this was handled or I’m sorry that won’t be possible.  Period.

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