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I am going to be a 2nd time bride and I'm just not sure what the "Rules" are for this. My mom says it's not the thing to do but some of my girlfriends think if there has been "enough" time in between marriages it should be no problem.
There will be almost 10years in between my weddings.....to me either way is fine...but since I've run into so many back and forth opinions I thought I'd bring the questions to my fav Bee's for some more insight!!
Why wouldn't you have one? Everywhere I've looked basically gives this as a definition of why you throw a bridal shower:
The main purpose of a bridal shower is to bless the couple with items they need to begin their new life together as husband and wife
I can't see how that could be twisted to mean 'only once for each part of the couple'. I mean, if Jane married Joe 10 years ago and is now marring Paul does that mean Paul gets to go over to Joe's house and root through all of the stuff he retained from Joe and Janes bridal shower 10 years ago? Lol - makes no sense at all. I mean, how would the bridal shower for Jane to a different man 10 years ago help bless the new couple to begin their life together as husband and wife?
I can't think of one friend of loved one that would think someone undeserving of a shower if she were getting married - regardless of anything :)
I feel the same way! But, it seems like the older people in my family and friends don't see it that way.
Screw that! Have a shower! Throw it yourself if you want to!
@Miss Tattoo: Um, isn’t that your job as her friend?
This is my first and his second. My mother informed me I should not have a shower, bachelorette party or any of that stuff. She calls our 100 person wedding embarassing.
You wouldn't throw a shower for yourself anyway. But if a friend offers to do it, you can accept. And just leave those difficult "older relatives" off the invitation list.
I couldn't answer your survey, only because my response would have been that I didn't want a shower for the first wedding, and didn't want one for the second wedding, either.
Do your girlfriends want to throw you a shower? If they want to, they should go ahead. There aren't any etiquette police to stop them; and they aren't putting anyone out, except themselves. Second wedding or not is irrelevant.
Does your mom (or her friends) not want to have to go to a shower for you? Then they shouldn't be invited. No-one (second wedding or not!) should be put in a position where they are obligated to give a gift they don't want to give. Whoever hosts a shower should be alert to signs that a potential guest is less-than-eager to participate, and simply not invite those persons.
I think you should have one if you want one. The idea of a shower is to shower the couple with the things they need to start their lives. You are still combining and starting as a couple. I have lived with FH for three years and we still don't have nice matching towels most couples still "need" those things that make your house a home, or maybe you would like to have an intimates shower (better if the older folk don't want to come). I have been to several showers for 2nd marriages, but in the older folks days second marriages were still really a taboo subject, so I wouldn't worry about it to much.
@dunlapsangel: I think it really depends. If you had a shower the first time around and already have all the household things you need and are thinking of inviting the same people - I think a shower would be in very poor taste and that you're really testing the generosity of your friends and family.
If, however, you didn't have a shower the first time and are not inviting the same people - eh, I don't think its too awful. However, I will add one important caveat - I absolutely loathe it when people pull the - "oh, we have everything we need but we're having a shower anyway so please just give us cash or a honeymoon or other luxuries!" THAT is in incredibly poor taste and just plain greedy.
Thank you all for your input....To answer some of the questions
1. I wouldn't mind a shower. I think just an intimate shower is more what I'm looking at though. We do have most of what we need. Other than like one PP said, Matching towels lol
2. I did have a first shower and have been friends with the same ppl for the past 10years since my last one so I would be inviting the same ppl. However, I'm not sure what kind of person states they have everything and to just give cash...that wouldn't be me by any means.
I do feel that I should be "allowed" to have another shower if I would like to. Yes, I have been married before and have had a shower already, however a lot has changed since I was 19yrs old and I think with the amount of time since then I shouldn't have to worry about it being in poor taste.
You bee's are great!! Appreciate the comments!!
@SoontobeMrsA: Yes she should throw me one lol However, I'm certain the cops would be called or something like that would happen...she's kinda wild lol
I'm sorry you were told that about your wedding! We are planning probably a 100 person wedding and I think that's just fine. It's his first wedding and he deserves what he wants no matter if I've been married before is how I look at it.
I'm having a shower...for my THIRD marriage. LOL There are no rules!!! As my FI says, we are marrying each other for the first time. My MOH is dying to throw me one and although I told her that she did not have to, I am going to enjoy every moment. We even registered.
Ironically, we both are pretty much starting over and we could use some things. I'm actually hoping for a kick ass toaster. LOL
Enjoy!!
@Miss Tattoo: You wont be throwing your own!! You really think I'm not going to be helping with that?? Dork!
It was both of our 2nd time getting married. We both got married to high school sweethearts and the marriages didn't last long. I didn't have a shower the first time since we eloped but his wife did, so his family went to both. No one cared. It wasn't about the gifts it's about getting the ladies together before hand to share a special day and that's it. DO IT!
I think you should just have one big "celebration". It can act as bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. And don't put any registry information on the cards. If people want to get you a gift they'll ask where you are registered, but in this instance you don't want people to think they HAVE to get you a gift.
This way you can celebrate, play games, etc - but people won't feel like it's another gift grab.
I'm an encore and my mom felt the same way. We ended up having 2 showers - one thrown by my bridesmaids and one thrown by my husband's family. They were fun and intimate and no on seemed offended. Even my mom said she was glad we did it. :)
@dunlapsangel: My mother has never gotten over the embaressment of me having a child out of wedlock. She feels as though since I already have a child and he is divorced it is "in poor taste."
Have a shower! I'm sure your friends and family are excited and happy for you. Let me know, I'll fly down!
http://hubpages.com/hub/Second-Weddings
Here's some interesting reading for you!
My IL's were appalled that we were even having a wedding at all, since my husband was previously married. My Mom told his that just because he was married before, I wasn't, so why should I miss out?
I had both a bridal shower and a small wedding. His wife got everything in the divorce.
@smyley: OMG that link is awesome! I was on point with a lot of things but totally didn't think of some of it! Thank you!
I agree that if you are inviting the same people, it will seem a bit odd for them to buy you the same household things all over again. But if its a different set of friends who didnt attend the first shower thats fine. Personally I'm not a huge fan of showers and will not behaving one even tho i am a 1st time bride.
@bells: Oh I agree! We wont be doing a registry either. Plus we have most of the household items that we need and we are now living togther. I do think I'm going to be doing a small intimates gathering instead for something fun.
My mom had both a work and a relatives bridal shower for her second wedding. Thank god, cause i inherited her china that the people she worked with all chipped in for!
This is from Emily Post:
Can an encore bride have a wedding shower?
Yes. If the bride has been married before, she may be given a shower. Other than close friends and relatives, the guest list shouldn't include people who came to a shower for her first wedding. If friends plan to invite people who have already "showered" her, then a luncheon, tea, or cocktail party—without gifts—is a better way to go.
Emily Post needs to have a drink. You can't invite the same people? Puh-lease. What if they want to come? Do you deny access because Emily Post says it's not okay?
Crisark, have a shower. It's been 10 years. You were very young with your first marriage and shouldn't be judged for wanting another shower. I'll throw you two if you want.
Some "rules" are definitely made to be broken. Have a rip-roaring time at your bridal shower, you awesome encore bride, you! I had a great time at all 3 of my baby showers...*gasp*!
@AudzinLuv:I threw my own baby shower! *gasp!* but my friend helped so I put her name as the hostess. ^_^ Suck on that Emily Post!
If your friends have already suggested it, I don't think they'll think you're rude for accepting, no matter what Emily Post says :)
What about doing a lingerie shower instead of a home-goods shower? Or play shower games but request no gifts - your friends will understand and know that you have the "stuff" already, or they might take the opportunity to chip in and get you something splurg-y instead of just kitchen towels and knives you don't need!
Lol! Yeah, Emily seriously needs a stiff one......drink, of course! It's absurd to think that a divorced person would have even retained gift given 10 years ago for a shower to get her and the ex ready for their life together. Would the guests even remember what they bought her 10 years ago? I can just picture one of them saying:
'Um......I think that the state of the art, sunshine yellow (to match the ex's kitchen) electric can opener that I gave you 10 years ago should still be fine!'
If your friends want to throw you a shower, then by all means you should have one! If they're the ones pressing the party and not you, who are you to turn down a fab party! :)
I will say that one of my cousins recently had a 2nd wedding and all her aunts threw her a shower...begrudginly. I don't even know who decided to throw it (I think they felt obligated) but they were all pretty annoyed that they had to throw it :( We have a lot of cousins so the parties and gift giving really add up, and a family member or two (who shall remain anonymous) were definitely complaining about "how they already did all this for my cousin 8 years ago".
In the end, if someone doesn't agree with the party, they don't have to go or don't have to give a gift, simple as that. If there are people in your life who love you and clearly want to throw you a shower, you should take them up on the offer if you want to!
As always, you bees are wonderful!!!
I am leaning towards a Lingerie shower myself...However since Miss Tattoo has offered to throw me two I suppose I can have both lol
I really think those that aren't up to date with the times and run their lives strictly by "old school" etiquette probably just wont get an invite to my encore shower lol
Maybe that's what it will be referenced as "You are invited to An Encore Bridal shower for a bride that doesn't give two craps about your etiquette" kinda has a ring to it :)
I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a shower! I am getting married and while I'm not technically a 2nd time bride, this is my second engagement, my first one ended less than a month before the wedding, so there was a shower and a bachelorette party and everything else pre-wedding that goes along with the wedding...except for the rehearsal and the wedding! All of the gifts, etc were returned once the wedding was called off...and I know that all of my girls will be throwing me another shower for my upcoming wedding...I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a shower...you aren't marrying the same man are you?
@marylandnurse: LOL I am def not marrying the same man. He and I have been divorced for 5yrs. I got married the first time when I was 19yrs old. I will be almost 30 when I remarry so I think it's been long enough to have it all again.
My older sister says that my first marriage was a young mistake and that it didn't count lol And I totally agree!!
@Miss Tattoo: Emily Post needs to have a drink. You can't invite the same people? Puh-lease.
Is this really so hard to understand? Even your most loving friends and family will rightly start to feel like their pockets are being picked when they're invited to multiple and repeated gift giving parties. The purpose of a bridal or baby shower is to prepare a woman for a new stage in her life. Once she's been a wife and a mother, she shouldn't need (or feel entitled too) new infusions of gifts for subsequent marriages or children.
That said, I don't personally object to a bridal shower for a second time bride but do agree its inappropriate to invite the same guests let alone to assume that they're going to or should be pleased to be asked to shell out for another gift. If you want to celebrate with the same people, then by all means have a get together but don't call it a shower or make it a gift giving occasion.
I wouldn't be interested in going to a friend's second bridal shower and purchasing another gift. Seems quite rude to me to put that sort of pressure on your friends.
I also think if you are questioning it yourself, you probably do realise it is inappropriate.
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