Post # 1
Initially I felt pretty adamantly about not wanting a shower. I am not a girly girl and I live in a big city in a small apartment. I also don’t have a bridal party, but have two friends that are helping to organize my bachelorette party and are my go to girls. Therefore, I felt awkward going to a shower and opening up lots of gifts that I don’t even have room for and oohing and awing over them. However, my relatives including my grandmother and FMIL seem stunned that I don’t want a shower. Now that I have had time to muse over it, I have come around and am not anti-shower as it is a nice occasion to socialize and have people meet each other. I have now said that I would appreciate a shower, but do not expect one and will not have my feelings hurt if it doesn’t happen. And that I don’t need a shower with gifts or pastel pink or ruffles, but by all means I don’t have much choice.
So now the questions begin. My father’s side of the family lives about 2.5 hours away. They never travel for anything and my wedding is about a 5 or 6 hour drive for them. However, we always go down that way to visit for holidays and have traveled for other cousins’ showers, etc. My grandmother expressed that she didn’t think people would be up to drive 2 hours to a shower, but that we could have one on my aunt’s home and other people could come there. My mother thought this was ridiculous since we often drive out there, but have never asked for people to come here. My mother’s side of the family might travel for my shower, but they are also spread out and they are super nice people, but often don’t respond and are notoriusly late.
My FMIL (who lives a couple of hours away by plane) and is very exacting about punctuality, details, etc. called my mother to start organizing the shower. My mom spilled the beans about the potential location (and I wish she hadn’t because I would have loved it to be a surprise and my FMIL will be livid if she knows I found out). Here is the thing. My FMIL thinks it should be in a restaraunt because she thinks potlucks are low-end and that my mother’s house is not big enough (it is a smallish house). However, I learned that my mother was not willing to pay anything towards the cost of the shower. This leaves my FMIL with the bill. I am also worried about my FMIL dealing with my family given how different my family is from her very exacting personality. I don’t want this to generate bad feelings. Now, I don’t know who to invite (i.e. friends who live in town, friends who live out of town, how many relatives etc). BTW, I am not even supposed to know about any of this, but I learned from my mom spilling the beans and overhearing a convo with my fiance and his mother.
Post # 3
I would mention to your mother the conversation you overheard, and ask her if you can help out on the guest list issues, money issues, etc. As far as your FMIL and her “exacting” requirements, well, that’s her issue, and no one can expect guests to be 100% “perfect”.
Post # 4
completely off topic, but did you go to UCSB??
Post # 5
Nope, I didn’t go to UCSB 🙂
Well my mom asked for my friend’s phone number who lives in town and actually lives around around the corner from the proposed dining location (which I love and actually worked there years ago). I also gave her the number for my other friend who lives about 5 hours away. Half of my friends live out of town and we are having a destination bachelorette party. This is also why I am not sure about who should be on this guest list as I don’t want people to travel twice and so many people live a couple of hours away by car or a plane ride away.
My fiance says I should butt out of this. But I think I am just worried about the bad feelings. My FMIL seemed disturbed that my mother often hasn’t called her back, seems distracted on phone calls, and that my family isn’t paying anything. My family (on both sides) in general has less money than she has and my father’s side just doesn’t do much out of their small town (so that have a very small town mentality in terms of leaving), and my mother’s family is just very much always late or unresponsive. I’ve gotten used to it because well, it’s family. My FMIL means well though is a bit OCD and has very high expectations and can make my fiance and I feel quite nervous. She seems perplexed as to why my family isn’t making a bigger deal out of me getting married. I can’t but feel anxious over all of this and don’t want the shower to have her hold harsher feelings towards my family and friends.
Post # 6
@gaucho25: Honestly…I agree with your fiance, as hard as that might be. Especially if both families have enough tact to leave you out of it/can fake it til they make it. The shower is supposed to be a celebration, it’s supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to make you excited and happy. What matters is that YOU get along with everyone, and that your FMIL likes you–she doesn’t have to like your family (presumably, they will have enough tact to behave at your wedding! Then beyond that, they might see each other once every couple years, IF that!). Perhaps I’m giving people too much credit here, but I think when people are excited about weddings, they understand that the focus is on the bride and groom, and they want to do whatever they can to make the bride & groom happy. So if you can, let them handle it–if not, any chance your go-to girls can help out with planning, politics, etc., since they know what you want/your concerns? Either way–let someone else do the dirty work–you should do everything you can to relax/enjoy it. Just give them all big thank-yous later 🙂
Post # 7
So the shower is tuning out to bring up my worst fears. MY FMIL keeps calling my fiance and complaining about my family and is worried about him marrying into “these kind of people” and might make a scene at the bridal shower. So I guess there has been alot of miscommunication. My FMIL wanted a luncheon for only my friends. My mom went and invited family. Now my FMIL is worried about paying for extra people, but my mom said she would pay for extras. My family is also horrible abut RSVPing and showing up on time. Yes, it is annoying and rude, but I just accept it..it’s the way they are. I guess other family members are saying the food is weird and had to be coaxed into coming. My shower is Saturday and I guess 3 extra people decided to come yesterday. She tore up little favors that she made because now she won’t have enough for everyone (she is flying in). This is driving me up the wall. I need to make sure my mom pays for the extra people and that she gets everyone there on time or this woman will throw a fit. The restaraunt charges per person and 100 dollars per half hour over the time limit. They also make you prepay for people if it is a party over 10 people. Do I just ask my mom for money directly? btw I’m not supposed to even know about any of this. I’m more worried about bad feelings in my family before anyone has even met. I don’t have a bridal party and never asked for a shower from my friends, but my fiance and FMIL and some family thought I ought to have one. Along with my diasaster bachelorette planning, wedding events seem to just suck the life out of me as they are not fun and not even about me.