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I completely understand how you would be upset about the personal information being broadcast. I think it's frankly kind of a bizarre idea to print someone's size info on a shower invite. I've never heard of such a thing (tho obviously some people have heard of it, or they wouldn't have done it!). Even my fiance doesn't have that info.
As for it being a lingerie shower, this sounds like a case of best intentions.... Even tho it's not what you'd have most preferred, it was a blunder on the part of the person throwing the party -- so try to focus on it as their mistake, and be generous to them. Try to put your focus on the fact that it's still the intentions are what count.
After all, it's great that all these people are interested in you, in your life, in your happiness. It's great that they all feel this kindness for yo. That positivity is still true, even if the theme was a bit of a blunder.
I totally understand where you are coming from, but it's totally normal for there to be size information on a shower invite. It's not out of the ordinary at all. And, this is not meant to be mean in any way, but other ladies know what size you are (or approximately). Even though you find it embarrassing, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
It's very unfortunate that you had no say in the matter - obviously, your friends want you to get into the whole lingerie state of mind (as you stated you are not that type of girl). Consider this an unsolicited way to spice up your wardrobe.
I think you are well on your way to feeling better about it by acknowledging why it makes you uncomfortable. BUT, remind yourself that the friends, family, and associates that attend the shower want to show their love and support for you.
If you are mortified with opening gifts in front of people, perhaps you can request that no gifts be opened at the shower (but be prepared for some backlash, as there is the expectation to open gifts).
Above all, remember that they are trying to do something nice for you, even though it's certainly not what you envisioned.
IT WILL BE OK!!!! Hang in there!!
Thank you for giving me that perspective. It makes it tricky since she's my brother's wife. I had helped with their wedding so she wanted to throw me a shower as a thank-you for what I had done.
I just am in shock. The invite is in front of me, with my size (and my registry!) info right on it. I'm not miss-manners but I'm just in awe.
I guess there's not much I can do, save running around and pulling the invites from people's mailboxes. I'm just so embarrassed... Especially people I know in a professional light getting that info. It's just an uncomfortable situation to be in. :(
I called my fiance and told him, and he about hung up and called her right then and there.. He suggested that I send an email that said "Hey, got the draft for my invite. Please be sure that my coworkers don't get my personal information, thanks! it's beautiful btw, thanks so much for doing this."
It's big time passive aggressive, so I veto'd that idea... I'm going to just try to let it go.
Oracle- that's what I keep telling myself. Everyone KNOWS I packed on the pounds when I met my fiance. It's not a surprise, it's pretty much right out there for everyone to see anyway.
I'm just a bit confused... and I can't help but wonder if it's a backhanded way of being malicious. She knows I'm not the lingerie type gal... and she knew I was uncomfortable giving her that info... so sending it to all my gal pals? So mortifying.
Thank you for your kind words.. I just have to keep telling myself that the people who received those invites are my closest pals anyway, and while it isn't something I wanted them to know, who really cares anyway? If they want to be catty and delight in my fatness, so be it.
Wow, so glad my BFF checked with me and oked the theme before she did anything!! That is not something that i feel is bridal shower appropriate (unless its just friends, then by all means go for it!). We're doing a wine and fondue party, and my BFF did a great job on the invites, she knows me so well!!
Hopefully people will make the best of it, but it might have been a good idea to have her ok the theme with you before she sent everything out...
i would be PSSSSSSSDDDDDDD!!!!! times ten!!!
plus you said you dont want a lingerie party - be honest and tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable and you really really want homeware stuff - i would
goodluck!
Thank you MrsSl82be. I really, really wished she had checked... this is really getting to me, and I'm really having a hard time dealing with this. I don't understand how she could possibly think this was okay, especially being my sister-in-law, and having my family members there, and my coworkers.... Ick. Just ick. It just screams uncomfortable.
eloping- I am pretty agitated. I think I burned a trail through my floor pacing around in anger.
It's just... ugh. I wish I had a rock large enough to hide under.
seriously, your stress levels will only get higher if you let those invites go out - do you really want the people you work with to know your underware size???
just ring her - say you love her for wanting to throw this party but the lingerie party makes you really really freaked out and uncomfortable and you want to enjoy the day, not be sick to your stomach with stress
sending hugs because as someone that is constantly struggling with my weight its a really personal thing and whether im my current size or 100lbs heavier (which i was) i dont want people to know the size of my knickers - heck, even my hubby doesnt know my panty size!
I think it's totally bizarre to put a person's size on an invitation. I've never heard of that at all. I definitely would be surprised and upset about it, too. I also can't imagine doing something like that without asking first, like, "Say, you don't mind if I put your bra size on this invitation, do you?"
I completely understand why you are upset. It is entirely possible that your SIL had good intentions here, but it is a really bad idea to throw a lingere shower for women with body-image concerns. That includes skinny girls who watch every crumb, in addition to women who are struggling with their weight.
As far as your SIL goes, does she generally treat you with respect? Or does she have a pattern of veiled insults?
If you have a very discrete friend, I would put her in charge of requesting that some guests ignore the theme and purchase household goods so that you can receive some gifts you will like.
I think friends should come up and ask you what size you are or else get you a gift card to the places you want them to bring presents from!
A gift card from Victoria's S or Agent Provocateur (the new one I like) would work for me!
Wow...I am so sorry that happened to you. I'm a slim girl and an extrovert, but even I would have a problem with invitations that revealed all of that info. Even though your sister-in-law is throwing the shower, she definitely should have checked with you on the theme. Again, I'm a bit of an extrovert, but I would definitely feel weird opening lingerie in front of co-workers.
As a few have already said, I'm sure her intentions were not malicious. But I do think you should express to her that you're uncomfortable. All you can really do right now is enjoy it as much as you can. Who knows, maybe now that you have lingerie you (and your future hubby) will learn to love it!
The thing is she sent me an email:
"I really really hate to ask this but I should know just in case people ask.. What's your size info in case they want to get you honeymoon attire?"
And THEN PUTS IT ON THE INVITE! And doesn't even ask me. Now the invites are in the hands of my coworkers and some friends I haven't seen in ages, and my family.
It's like she KNOWS it's embarrassing, and does it anyway.
I'm no longer mortified, I'm seriously pissed off and angry now. But I've have to cool down because 1) She's doing something nice for me and 2) she's family. I don't really have a choice.
yeah.. the invite I got today was sent with everyone else's.... So I can only assume that they're all sitting in everyone's mailboxes just waiting to be opened.
And one of my friends offered to throw me a shower, but she had so many traumatic things happen to her lately that I told her that I really wanted her to focus on herself... I thought she had enough on her plate, and I didn't want to cause her any additional stress. Now it makes me wonder why I didn't take up her offer.
uh yeah, bridal showers should not be lingerie themed. That's what bachelorette parties are for. I mean, how weird is it going to be for people you are not super close to, to be buying you underwear! I'm so sorry she did this to you. My guess is she thought it would be a cute idea and everyone would think she was so trendy to throw this kind of party. And maybe, since she knows you aren't 100% comfortable with it, this was her way of trying to help you overcome that? But I fully agree with you. It's tactless and I would be so pissed.
While I think it's quite normal to have size information on a lingere shower invitation....I've never gotten one that didn't include it...I also think that before that type of shower is decided it should have been discussed with you. I have friends that really wanted to throw me a "girley things" shower, and knowing that allowed me to help them narrow down the guest list to people I was comfy getting that type of invite (with my size information).
That said, I'm sorry you've been placed in a situation where it wasn't cleared with you before it happened. It sucks! And even worse since it's too late to put a stop to the invites going out...so take a deep breath and try to figure out a way to look at the pleasant side of things. While I wasn't really happy with the idea of that type of shower, it ended up being kinda fun. I did make sure there weren't any tacky games planned ahead of time, and that we could just mingle and chat. Then the opening of gifts was just a quick blip in the fun "hang" time with my friends. Again...sorry you've been placed in a situation where you aren't 100% comfy. Big hugs to you!
Eeek, that would embarrass me too! But rest assured, the people coming to this thing love you, and are probably going to get you lots of cute things. Whatever size you are (really, whatever size), your friends and family already know what you look like and they love you just the same.
Also, I would talk with your friend about what activities she has planned, just to make sure that you are comfortable with the plans. Good luck :)
That's exactly what I thought, Aloweha.
ProfessorBee, I like that idea... I think I'll go to my friend and have her pass along that I would much rather prefer non-spicy items at my shower. It'll be fun just to have the girls all in one place though, regardless of what I end up with!
bugger... well its done now and Chelsea said it, your friends and family love you so hold onto that
sending hugs...
Well, called the coworkers and apparently it was a topic of great workplace discussion. All of them were "Is this real?". It's nice to know they all got them several days before I did... It's almost like she waited to send mine last.
She probably knew I'd be pissed.
uhh...i guess im in the minority here. but im shocked that everyone is shocked. this is exactly the type of shower I had, this is the only type of shower ive been to. ive never been to a shower where people give pots and pans, always lingerie or candles, etc. every shower invitation i hav ever received has had size info on it, except one thrown by the bride's very older aunt.
Im sorry you are offended and caught off guard. she sould have at least warned you, especially since you are clearly sensitive about it. but now im wierded out that so many people regard it as tacky and bizzare. i would be irritated if i got a bunch of plates at my bridal shower.
This didn't happen to me but I can totally see your side and why you would be mortified, especially if you are just self-conscious by nature. I think it was really WRONG of her to not ask for your approval for this type of party. It would be one thing if this was your bachelorette party- where the guests are close friends or siblings BUT NOT your coworkers and grandmother!! I didn't even know that bridal showers included lingerie and/or underwear until I started reading wedding blogs; the only bridal showers I have been to have been household items for the couple. Maybe if it is more common around your area it won't be AS BAD but that still doesn't take away the fact that you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable.
It really boggles my mind as to why she wouldn't tell you straight up- when she asked you for your size 'in case someone were to ask'- that she was planning on making it a strict lingerie party. I think she should have definitely gotten your permission, or at least made sure this is what you wanted, before acting on this at all.
Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do now :( Are you having a 2nd bridal shower with other family members or friends... a little more traditional? If not, maybe suggest that to your mother or close relative to see if they would be willing to throw you one that you wanted, under the circumstances.
Good luck! I would hug you if I could!
I don't blame you for being shocked. I was invited to one shower where the bride's size info was included in the invitations. She was a youngish bride. I didn't know her that well, but knew the groom much better (so I wasn't surprised to be invited to the shower). Actually, I was embarrassed for the bride when I got the invitation. My feeling is that if you don't know the bride well enough to know her size without being told, then don't get her lingerie. A robe (s-m-l) might be nice, but . . .
this happened to my sister when we were planning her shower. Me and all the other bridesmaids were planning it together and one of the BM's said she would take care of sending out the invites. well she put my sisters size on there, i didnt even know till an invite was sent to me. My sister called me crying... she was sooo upset or the same reasons. Co-workers, family members, her FI's mom aunts and grandmother wee going to be there. She was quite upset but the damage was already done so let it ago after talking about it with that BM. I called around and infomed guests that it's not a lingerie party but if they wanted to get another gift for "after dark" they were welcome to but to wrap them seperate.
So at the shower, we set the naughty gifts aside and she opened them later that night with just her sisters around. Most guests brought 2 gifts... the household item and then an lingerie one.
I would have someone call around to guests and let them know that it wasnt meant to be a lingeie party and let them know where you are rergistered so they know what to get you.
Oh I'd be so mad... It's one thing to have a lingerie shower with your closest family members & bridal party, but to invite all your co-workers? Awwwwkward! Geez and then she put your measurements to boot? UGH!
I don't think you're overreacting. I think she should have consulted with you first. Who the heck needs 50 pieces of wedding lingerie? I'd rather get a toaster from my FMIL than a sexy babydoll. Eeek. Sorry, I'm probably not helping lol but I'm just outraged for you.
I'd be so mad too! You don't throw someone a lingerie shower without being sure they're 100% comfortable with the idea. Were your measurements listed on there, or just a simple "size L/16" or something like that?
ouch, so the invites already went out? i'd be very upset, too, honestly.
apparently this sizes-on-the-invite thing is common for some people - - and for other people it's completely a no-WAY!-i-never-heard-of-that-before practice.
but that issue aside (because that issue doesn't really matter):
it was very BAD JUDGMENT of her to ask under the pretense that it was just "in case someone asks," and then print it on there. (as you say, it makes it clear she understood you'd be sensitive, and then she did it anyway.) even if this WAS a common thing to do in her circles -- obviously not in your circles -- it's just inconsiderate and/or passive aggressive to ask for private info, with the implication it will be handled sensitively, and then to print it for all to see.
this is a very tricky situation. is there another close friend or relative you can confide your feelings to? who might be able to mediate?
ouch!
Thank you all for helping me through this little shocker today. I talked to one of my best gal pals who happens to work with me and she told me that my coworkers were just as shocked as I am... And she really wants to throw me a "Wife Shower" after the wedding.
It gives me another party to look forward to, and she really had some fun ideas for it. So this way, I get my lingerie party and my more toned down event. I've called a few of the invitees and they are all simply shocked.. "I didn't know if it was a joke or not.."
Okay I have never heard of it either. But I think she may have been trying to surprise you and make you more comfortable with lingerie and being sexy in front of your husband. I agree with jspeby that you should have someone call and let them know to bring home gifts and separately-wrapped after dark gifts if they feel obliged
Wow, I would be upset too. I don't think I have anything to add on that part.
Blossom, you seem to be getting angrier that your SIL did this maliciously. What's the beef there? Do you have a good relationship with her? Do you think that it's reasonable that she would be doing something like this to be mean? If it's all based on the conversation where she made it looked like she'd just have the info, in case someone asked, perhaps she was just tyring to keep it a secret. Maybe if she knew you weren't a lingerie person, she was trying to get you things that you miht not normally buy for yourself. (Something pleasing to your FI.)
Do you have other BMs or maybe your mom, who can help sprean that word that you might prefer towels and household goods? It might sound a bit mean to undermine the person throwing the shower, but sorry, I think she made some mistakes, at the least.
I'm trying to stay on neutral ground, but there's been a lot of things that have been a little backhanded in the last few months. It seems funny that someone would offer to throw me a shower with promises to keep it low key and quiet, but pick the worst possible theme for me, and send out personal information to all of my coworkers and family and childhood friends, and then send out my invitation last. So I'm literally the last person to know.
I've been trying to do damage control personally, and so far the responsse I've received have been "Is this a joke?" or "Umm, while I love you and all I really don't want to buy you underwear." Another person was actually quite offended that *I* thought this would be the type of event she would want to be invited to... that was a fun conversation.
I'm really embarrassed and mortified, but she isn't going to know about it. If it was done with good intentions, I really wouldn't want to ruin her party planning. If she's being mean, I'm not giving her the satisfaction of knowing that I'm uncomfortable.
I figure nothing good will come from me letting her know I'm so upset.
Wow that is so tough!
Is this the kind of party you think your SIL is into and she is kinda throwing it more for herself than you!
I just don't understand how a person could plan something like this for someone else when they should know the person they are throwing it for is not into it and I am sure your SIL had know idea what your co-workers were into and so she should assume some might be offended!
I am sorry! I think maybe you should talk to her and say look this is not really my idea of a 'nice' shower and some of my guests were offended so could you please start letting people know that they can bring whatever they like!
Once again I am sorry that is not a fun position to be in! But you still get to have fun with the people you love despite the negative undertones!
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I got my invitation to my own bridal shower, one that invites some of my old friends from way-back-when, my new family, and my coworkers. I was shocked when the bridal shower theme was lingerie based (I'm not a lingerie type girl, I could really use some linens and household things... I'm a bit modest in that regard) and it included my size information.
She had asked for my specifics before (just in case anyone asked) so I gave them to her... But she put it right on the invite. I was shocked, and a bit upset.
I know this girl is doing me a favor, but I'm really mortified that it's a lingerie shower, and I'm doubly mortified that my size information is on there for my associates to see.
I see bachelorette parties to be more of a "fiesty" nature than bridal showers. Bridal showers are preparing the bride for her new life, not just her new night-life... right? Or am I wrong?
I'm a bigger girl and I'm a little sensitive about my height/weight/size/hair color/the way I walk. I'm just a sensitive person all around and really easily embarrassed. Truth is, it's brought me to tears and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm just trying to tell myself that I have other things to deal with right now... and maybe my bridal brain is causing me to overreact and I shouldn't cry over something this trivial. Ugh..