People invited to the shower should also be invited to the wedding. It is their decision to make on how far they are willing to travel. It comes off as a bit gift grabby if you invite them only to the shower but not the wedding.
Do not let her invite people only to the shower. Etiquette requires that only people invited to the wedding can be invited to wedding-related parties.
Anyone who is invited to the shower, should be invited to the wedding. I know I've gotten my feelings hurt because of this situation before.
Rules say it is rude. However, I've been to many showers where I wasn't invited to the wedding. So has my mom. In some areas, it is acceptable
In this instance, I think it is perfectly fine that your Mom have those people that have known you your whole life,even tho they aren't invited to the wedding. Its up to them whether or not they'd attend anyway, but I'd assume if they're good friends, they already know about it and are happy to come.
All situations aren't covered in the books anyway, and this is one of them!
@shortkaik: I'm curious about this etiquette also as my mom wants to invite some people to the shower she is throwing, who are not invited to the wedding as we are having a smaller destination wedding. Some people say it is ok and some people dont. Now I'm so confused cause I dont want to look rude
I think it would be more acceptable if your mom's friends wanted to host the shower even if they knew they weren't invited. It seems a little rude for your mom to invite people to an event that is solely for giving the couple gifts when they aren't invited to the actual wedding.
Technically, it is considered rude to invite someone to any pre-wedding event and not to the actual wedding.
However, it is ultimately up to the host of the event who is on the final guest list. For bridal showers and bach parties, the host will often ask the bride to provide a guest list, but the final decision rests with the person/people hosting the event. The bride should not have much input into an event thrown in her honor.
That said, my dear girlfriends threw a fantastic bach party for me, and there were two people there who were not invited to the wedding, one of whom I had never even met! I was a little dismayed at first, but lukcily the Gods of Etiquette did not strike me down with a bolt of lightning :) Whew!
I wonder if it's regional as well? Both my mother and my grandmother have never heard of the idea that it's rude to invite people to the shower and not the wedding - in fact, they both have always thought that was partly the reason for a shower: to get the opportunity to celebrate with people who aren't going to be at the wedding. They've both been invited to many showers but not the coresponding wedding.
I, too, was originally surprised to hear that it's rude!
I wish gifts weren't involved, so my true intension of just wanting to see some women I haven't seen in a long time were clear.
Thanks for all the input, everyone! There are only a few people who would be on this non-wedding guest list - Hopefully my mom knows them well enough to consider how they might take a bridal shower invite alone.
To be honest, strictly from an etiquette perspective, this idea presents two problems: inviting guests to a pre-wedding party when they are not also invited to the wedding, and having the mother of the bride host a shower.
Both of these things will raise some eyebrows among those who are aware of the prohibitions against each. However, from a strictly practical standpoint, it seems to have become quite popular these days not only for mothers to host their out-of-town daughters' bridal showers but also to invite guests who cannot be accommodated at the wedding but who are close to either the bride or the bride's family.
This is a very difficult situation, because, as the bride, you likely do not want to do anything that is against etiquette or that will offend anyone. However, as a daughter, you also likely do not want to offend or upset your mother, who has graciously offered to host a shower on your behalf. Finally, I'm sure that you do not want to be viewed as "rejecting" the love and kindness of friends of the family whose desire is to bless you by sharing some special time with you and giving you gifts even though they have not been included among your wedding guests and, due to distance, likely could not attend even if they were invited.
There are some possible solutions to this situation:
1) Instead of throwing you a bridal shower, your mother could host a tea in your honor. A tea is different from a shower in that gifts traditionally are not associated with a tea. (In truth, however, no matter WHAT an event honoring you will be called, people likely will bring you gifts.)
2) If these ladies whom your mother wishes to invite are already on-board with your mother's ideas, one or more of THEM could choose to host the event instead. If a particular group of people (your co-workers, for example; or members of your sports league or book club, etc.) chooses to host a shower in your honor, even though the members of the group are aware that they have not been or likely will not be invited to your wedding, that is perfectly fine.
Finally, whatever happens, you don't want to inadvertently end up violating etiquette (refusing to attend the shower, for example) in the name of trying to follow etiquette, and you, as the guest of honor, cannot be held responsible for the terms of an event for which you are neither the host nor the initiator.
I recently had some experience with a challenging situation of this nature, and I sought out and received some excellent advice from our most knowledgeable etiquette bee. She may see your post and provide her wise counsel.
@Brielle: Thank you for stating it so clearly!
I actually had not heard the one about the mother not hosting. Interesting. Is that because it is considered that the mother would also be benefitting from gifts?
It makes me wonder - 2 years ago, I was my own mother's maid of honour and if I would have been able to, I porbably would have hosted her bridal shower in her own home (which had just recently been my own home, as well). I suppose that whole situation would have also been fraught with etiquette no-nos and grey areas!
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like etiquette sometimes plays too strong a role. I guess I feel it's more important to understand your own situation fully, as well as understand the people involved. (Yes, I know I was the one who raised this etiquette question!)
I will talk it over with my mother, and also my maid of honour (my mother has suggested sharing the job of planning it with her) and make sure we all understand the accepted etiquette, and make careful considerations if and when we stray from it.
I would personally be pretty offended if I was invited to the shower, but not the wedding.
From a strictly etiquette standpoint, it is very rude to invite someone to a bridal shower but not the wedding. It basically says to the guest that they are good enough to get you a present but not good enough to actually see you get married.
Realistically though, some people are more flexible than others and wouldn't care. I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't mind attending a shower for one of my good childhood friends even though she wouldn't be invited to the wedding. The questions I know have for your are:
How many friends does your mom want to invite?
How many people are invited to your wedding?
If you are having a small wedding and only invite 1 or 2 of your mom's friends, they might not mind. But if you're having a big, 200+ person wedding, it might get insulting - like why weren't they invited to the wedding too? Or if you're inviting 5+ of your mom's friends it gets awkward and inappropriate to receive/ask for gifts from so many people who aren't invited to the wedding.
What might be the best approach is to not send invites to your mom's friends but have your mom mention it to her friends in person. She can tell them she's throwing you a shower and they are welcome to drop by for food and drinks and that they don't have to bring a gift - just come to hang out. It should also be clear that they aren't being invited to the wedding. It would be really bad if they are invited to the shower, show up with a gift, then find out later they aren't invited to the wedding. They'd probably be at least a little offended.
@RunsWithBears: Thanks for your comments, I think you're pretty much spot on.
We've got about 100 people who will be invited to the wedding, including children. For this shower, since it would be focused on parent's families and locals (local to her), there are about 15 people who are invited to the wedding who would be invited to the shower (including my bridesmaids who would travel with me). I think there are only about 2-3 additional non-wedding guests my mom would want to invite. In fact, these guests probably already know about the wedding and at least one of them has told my mom we should not invite her to the wedding because she already knows she wouldn't be able to go.
My mothers doing the same thing(officially my sister, my moh, as well as my second bridesmaid are planning but my moms paying for it so shes really grabbing the bull by the horns here). Our wedding is also out of town and is intimate( only 30 ppl) and we arnt able to invite as many guests as she's hoped ( because of the venue size) But she also wants certian people to celebrate the occasion with us. In her head theres nothing wrong with it. I think that so long as you let the guests that arnt invited to the shower know your situation it should be fine. These times they are a changin you cant get hung up on details. If they are that offended i couldnt see them showing up which solves your problem.
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Hello!
I was originally not planning to have a bridal shower, because more than half of our guests are out-of-town - at least an 8 hour drive away (my hometown) or on the other side of the country (FH's family).
My mom has offered to throw me a shower in my hometown, so that guests who will not be able to make the trip to the wedding can get involved and celebrate with me. Mainly my grandmother, who is too ill to travel. I think that's wonderful!
However, she believes it's reasonable to invite people who I will not be inviting to the wedding, such as her friends who I have known since I was a child. They are people who I like, and I know they would understand why they wouldn't be invited to my wedding so far away, and I would be happy to have them at a shower.
But, I have read that this is horrible ettiquite to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. Do you think it's reasonable to invite them to just the shower if the shower is local and the wedding is not?