Post # 1
I had my bridal shower last weekend. It was wonderful! I’m working on the thank you cards now but I wanted to know what is the standard timeframe to get them in the mail?
Also as far as providing thankyou gifts to the hosts- One Bridesmaid footed most of the bill- (200 dollar difference and paid for everything upfront with the understanding the others would pay her back later). She got rather nice expensive jewerly as a thankyou gift. The others don’t know so there won’t be any hurt feelings. I just wanted to do something special for her because she did so much extra for me.
Now there are three others. Two came to the shower, one did all the cooking, one did all the decorating & party favors. I would like to send them some cholocates with a thankyou card. I orginially thought about just sending thankyou cards because I contributed 70 dollars for one of their outfits, paid for the other outfit $170 dollars (gifting her with 20 dollars towards it), which she will pay me back. But they really did an amazing job with my bridal shower, they traveled across several states to come to it and I really do want to send them cholocates. I have an AWESOME cholocate store here.
And my last bridesmaid- she sent the invites, I paid for her 190 dollar dress (extra for additional length), gifted her with 20 dollars, she is suppose to pay back the rest. Well I don’t know if I will get the money back- I probably will- might be over the course of many years but I am technically asking for it back before the year is out. I’m not going to lose sleep over it if I never get it back because I knew what I was doing when I lent it to her. I love her, I really really do, she’s just not making the best financial decisions right now. The invites were from the dollar store and they weren’t even bridal shower themed. But she sent them and followed up on RSVPs so she IS getting a thankyou card. She didn’t come to the shower (money issues), she hasn’t paid back the first bridesmaid, and she was suppose to do party decorations (but didn’t since she wasn’t there). So that got passed to another bridesmaid- she was suppose to send her money, but hasn’t. No one is really angry about this- but I think we are all frustrated with the way she is managing her life right now. But I guess I just don’t want to send her cholocates because I already put money into her dress which I might never see and I may have to pay for her commuter costs to come to the wedding if she can’t get her stuff together. She thinks she will… but she isn’t a good planner.
So is it totally rude for me to just send her a thankyou card? I also feel like the other two bridesmaids deserve something extra because they have put more money and effort into it…
And just FYI everyone is getting the same wedding thankyou gifts from me. So the only difference is bridal shower gifts. They all live hours away from each other but they may potentially mention it to her if they talk about their thankyou cards/gifts received…. though I guess I could tell them not to…
Post # 3
I would give the same gift to all of your girls.
As far as time frame for the thank you notes, there was a poll on here and most people sent them within 1 week. Do them as soon as you can!
Post # 4
I think that #1 you are way too involved in the behind the scenes planning of your own shower. You should not base who to send the chocolates to, based on who owes what other bridesmaid money, and who did what.
I would send them all the same thing, because people probably will find out at some point that you gave 1 jewelry, and 2 chocolates, and one nothing, and then there will be hurt feelings.
As for your TY notes, send them as soon as possible. I’d say you have a few weeks before people start noticing their untimeliness.
Post # 5
With regards to your thank you notes: give yourself a 1-month MAX deadline. I sent mine within a week of the shower. My Mom always said to me that the sooner the thank you note is received, the more gratitude is perceived by the giver. Whether that’s true or not, I always stick by that rule!
About the gifts: you shouldn’t play favorites even if deserved. Send the same thank you gift to each bridesmaid regardless of their participation. That is the most gracious thing to do!
Post # 6
One girl footed the bill, i get her getting something niceer up until you mention the other girls are paying her back.
One girl did all the cooking, and you want to send her chocolate!?! WHAT?!?! Do you not realize cooking and making many diferent things for a party full of people takes lots of work, and planning.
The one that did all the decorating and favours, Again thats alot of work.
And on top of it they all traveled to attend these things. i don’t think chocolates cut it, and quite frankly when these other girls find out about the thank you gift difference, you will be out 3 friends.
Post # 7
I think it’s rude to tier your thank you gifts. When they inevitably find out you got a nice jewelry gift for one, and just chocolates for the others, there will be hurt feelings. By the way, they traveled across several states to be there for a shower – that’s above and beyond already, if you ask me.
I will not be asking my BMs who paid what and how much for anything related to the shower. I think it’s rude, and not my place to know. I trust them to make a fair arrangement for them, and I will thank them all equally.
Post # 8
What you should have done was give them all chocolates as a thank you for your shower. And then when you give the gifts to thank them each for everything with being in your wedding (which should be all catered to their individual likes and dislikes) gotten the girl you think deserved the more expensive thank you then, and played it off that they all cost the same!
Post # 9
So I don’t think I explained this well. Let me try again. The one bridesmaid who got the nicer jewerly isn’t MOH but took over (at my MOH instance) because my MOH is the flakey one. The bridesmaid paid about 450 for the shower venue + drinks + some of the real food. When they pay her back they will have covered about 200 dollars. Meaning she covered about 250 + drinks + some of the food that she will NOT get reimbursed for. She also found the venue, coordinated everyone,organized all the games, followed up on straggler RSVPs. YES I got her something nicer. I don’t feel bad about this in the least. She’s also the only one that HAS paid for her dress out of her own pocket. And she’s the only BM that’s family.
Why do I know all this stuff? A) Because everyone is in a different state, I am the only person that lives where my bridal shower took place B) In my friend group I am the one that organizes everything, plans everything, coordinates everything- NOT that I want to- but I’m the most responsible and best communicator. So they kept asking me what the other one was doing and I sort of got dragged into it. While I didn’t do anything per say I ended up being a communication passer and follow up person. Trust me I tried to be hands off with it. But anyway that doesn’t much matter as no one felt toes were stepped on.
I think part of why I am asking about the cholocates thing is because the other BMs are frustrated with my MOH. And I don’t want them to feel less appericated?
And everyone is getting the same wedding gifts because I’m trying to help them cut costs by providing all the jewerly they need for that day. And they are matching for the obvious reason that they are BMs.
I don’t think any of them expect a gift for doing the bridal shower. I’ve been friends with my BMs for about 15 years. But I want to do it anyway. I’m trying to balance feelings though. And I don’t want them to feel like- why did MOH get something when she really didn’t contribute to the shower? Does that make sense?
Also bridesmaid (call her Janie) that did cooking got 70 towards her dress that I told her she doesn’t have to pay me back. Bridesmaid lets call her Sarah that did decorating got 20 dollars towards dress she doesn’t have to pay back and a loan of 150. And bridesmaid (Tiff) that did invites and did NOT attend got 20 dollars towards the dress she doesn’t have to pay back and loan of 170. So they technically are still getting something even if they don’t get something- ya know because I already gave them money.
But clearly I’m on the fence about this- hence asking the hive 🙂
Post # 10
@JaneDomani: The additional information doesn’t make me change my mind. Don’t tier your thank yous. They organized a shower (which isn’t required) and travelled to be there. That is already worthy of a thank you gift in my mind.
Also, just an FYI may people, myself included do NOT think that giving any portion of the uniform for your wedding to be a gift for the BM. If you are wanting them to have matching jewelery, you should be paying for it. A gift is something that benefits the BMs and is something to THEIR tastes, not something that fits your vision.
Post # 11
Okay- got them all something and each gift is different for each of them. That seemed easier! Thanks for your input!
And just FYI- my BMs don’t have a lot of money and were stressing about what jewelry to wear so I said no worries- I’ll buy you it! So they are very happy about it. It wasn’t part of a vision or anything. I got them stuff they can use for casual and dress up. And we all have very similar tastes so I took that in to consideration too. I’ve been in three weddings and I’ve ALWAYS gotten jewelry to wear on the day of- and I’ve always loved it! Maybe its different in my area. 🙂