Post # 1
Erg. Ok, so. I was already feeling nervous and sick, but now I’m just plain angry.
One of my BMs is not very close with me. We were two years ago when I got engaged (hence why I asked her to be a BM) but she has since changed, and we have grown apart a lot. I think I posted about it before. We barely talk and almost never see each other. I literally know next to nothing about her.
I got a text from her last night at 11:15PM saying that she just saw her work schedule on Friday and she’s scheduled for today. She can’t find anyone to cover her shift and they’re already short staffed today.
She knew about my shower MONTHS ago. She said she requested off 3 weeks ago, but her manager scheduled her anyway and now “feels bad about it.”
BM didn’t even say she was sorry. I think thats what hurt the most. She obviously didn’t care enough to check her schedule to make sure she could be there. I honestly feel like she doesn’t care. If I don’t hear anything from her by the end of the day, I really think I’ll just ask her to step down. We’re not even close friends. I’m sure she realizes this too.
ETA: She couldn’t make it to help plan the shower or make wedding invites. She also couldn’t make it to help set up for the shower. Pretty sure she doesn’t care. At all.
Post # 3
@OnceUponATime: Oh gosh, I’m so sorry to hear, what a bummer! 🙁 Hugs to you!
Post # 4
@OnceUponATime: I’d be upset too! Nothing worse than feeling let down by someone:((
I hope you have an amazing shower and really enjoy yourself. Don’t let it spoil your day!
Post # 5
@OnceUponATime: That does suck that she could not make it to the shower, yes it’s hurtful, and the fact that she RSVP’d shows poor etiquette.
However, as a BM she is not required to show up to your shower… or plan the shower, or even make wedding invites. The only thing she is required to do as a BM is buy the dress and show up to the wedding. Everything else is just extra and things that friends do for each other.
Post # 6
@MangoSong: Oh yay, bring out the old school etiquette BS that never seem to take into account actual human feelings. I’m sure that will make her feel heaps better. Good work.
Post # 7
@OnceUponATime: I totally understand why you’re upset and you do have every right to be. Times and expectations have changed so while etiquette may say one thing, it is also totally reasonable these days to expect your bridesmaid to at least be there for you in some way. And it sounds like she isn’t there for you at all. And it sounds like there is more to this than just missing your bridal shower. This person will be in your wedding photos and be a part of your lifelong memories so now’s the time to really evaluate the friendship and decide if you really want her there… *hugs* I’m sorry you are feeling so down about all this.
Post # 9
@RedCushionedRoses: yeah, that. It’s all well and good to say “well technically she doesn’t have to, blah blah blah blah,” but the one thing every bride needs is a support system. And take it from someone whose support system is crumbling right before them, it SUCKS.
I’d urge OP not to make any rash decisions now while she’s still so upset about the shower. And frankly if this girl isn’t a close friend, I don’t actually see why she’s in your wedding? Whatever the case, I’d let her know how let down you feel and let her reaction guide your next steps. If she says “oh whatever, get over it. I bought the stupid dress didn’t I?” Reimburse her for it and have her step down. If she says something sincere and heartfelt that makes you feel better, then put all this behind you and focus on the wedding.
Post # 10
@RedCushionedRoses: I don’t think @MangoSong: was trying to be hurtful. While it’s true that saying a BM isn’t “required” to be at anything other than the wedding might hurt some people’s feelings, I also think that all of us, as brides, need a reality check every once in a while. It’s our wedding, no one else’s, and it’s not nearly as important to everyone else as it is to us. And that’s ok too.
Unfortunately, work is work. And in today’s economy and job market, I wouldn’t be calling in for time off to go to a bridal shower, regardless of how close I am to the bride. Putting food on the table and paying bills comes first. Is it hurtful that this girl said she would take off work and then ultimately didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t? Absolutely. But I don’t think it necessarily means she doesn’t care. I have a BM that didn’t take off work to go look at bridesmaid dresses with me and my two other BMs (one who came in from out of town) and the shopping trip had been planned for three months. Was I hurt? Absolutely. Did I think she didn’t care? No. And after all was said and done, she was the first of my girls to go and get measured for the dress.
If you think she doesn’t care @OnceUponATime:, it’s your right to sit down with her and have an honest conversation with her and give her the option to step down. It’s not ideal, but it might save you both a whole lot of stress/hurt feelings. And who knows, she might not even realize she’s hurting your feelings in the first place.
Post # 11
You’re right, I shouldn’t have been so harsh and I know she wouldn’t have meant to be hurtful, but I have been seeing too often people bringing out etiquette as a reason for people to not feel the way they do. She feels hurt but according to etiquette, she really has no right to? So frustrating.
Post # 12
Perhaps she would be happy as well to step down? Kinda of seems that way– maybe it’s a win-win for everyone. If her presence will annoy you on your wedding day, I’d ask her to step down now. Perhaps offer to pay any expenses she’s invested to be gentle about it.
Post # 13
This seems like a petty reason to ask someone to step down, but I assume there’s other things that have happened to annoy you (to me, not setting up the shower and not attending the shower are the same “faux pas”, not two separate annoyances- I wouldn’t expect someone to come help set up a party they couldn’t attend).
You’re entitled to feel hurt of course, but it seems overly harsh to me to kick someone out of the bridal party for something that isn’t their fault and they can’t really do much about. Even if things have built up and this is the “final straw” it seems harsh that the final straw is something she can’t control.
Post # 14
@RedCushionedRoses: Bridesmaids not being employees or slaves to the bride is not “old school etiquette bs.” I’m not saying that her bridesmaid isn’t being shitty, but her bridesmaids are not required to help with anything.
Post # 15
@vorpalette: what exactly is your definition of slavery? Because I don’t recall in any of my comments actually saying anything about treating bridesmaids as slaves, I said that it was reasonable to expect that they are there for you in SOME way. It’s not a lot to ask and it sure as hell isn’t slavery.
Personally, I would hate to have anyone in my bridal party that actually thinks that way in this day and age – “I’m your bridesmaid, I don’t have to do anything for you so do it all yourself you lazy cow”
Umm no. Not coppin that for one second.
Post # 16
@RedCushionedRoses: There are many posts like this on WB, the theme being: bridemaids are letting me (the bride) down because they aren’t doing _________.
It strikes me that the writers of these posts have unrealistic expectations in quantity and quality of “support” by bridesmaids.
It sounds to me as though the OP knows she and her BM have parted ways, and that can be a sad thing when friendships wane.That is too bad and she has a right to grieve about that.
But it also sounds to me that OP has set up a series of events that are litmus tests for “support.” Making invitations, a meeting to plan the shower, an obligation to set up the shower, and then finally attending the shower: those are already a time suck. Think how many more events and meetings and obligations will probably come with the “job” of bridesmaid–perhaps dress fittings, hair appointment, nail appointment, reception venue decoration, then rehersal dinner, and finally–an entire day and evening devoted to a wedding.
Being a bridesmaid seems to come with so many obligations, and communication about what is expected of the BM is not clear often. Probably brides should lay out their expectations in a contract and have attendants sign on formally, haha. Really, any more I cringe when I see posts from excited newly engaged brides asking about “cute ways to ask their attendants” to serve in their wedding. I see this and think, why don’t you decide on all of the points of “support” that are important to you so that your attendants know up front the specifics of the job, and forgetabout making it cute because basically, it’s not.