Post # 1
I just wanted to get others opinions on the situation.
My mother’s friend has offered to throw me a bridal shower. She out of the blue mentioned she would love to throw me one. I agreed. We spoke on the phone about the shower. She wanted to get a feel of who to invite etc. We agreed that it would be my sisters and mother, my FMIL and FSIL, my BM’s and a few of my close friends and then of course my mothers’ friends. She said she was thinking of a Saturday or Sunday midday light lunch. I thought that sounded perfect. My BM’s asked me if they would need to throw a shower and I told them that just this one would be fine. The hostess then asked me to email her a guest list. I did with explaination of who each of the invites were. She emails me back and says that she can only fit 16 people in her house(which she never mentioned before). So unfortunately I had to cut all my close friends out and it’s going to be really close. Now today she’s telling me that it will be a weekday night because one of the co-hostess didn’t want it on the weekend because they want the option of going up to their mountain cabin every weekend. I told her that my preference would be a weekend midday shower because it is traditional and because it’s easiest for me (since I work and the hostesses are retired).
I just feel like this shower is becoming such a burden and that it’s just too many people to please. Honestly, the fun has been sucked right out of it.
What do you think? Am I looking at this wrong? What is the proper thing to do?
Post # 3
I think that you are fine to insist on it being on the weekend. Explain that it would be too difficult for you to make on a weeknight, and that if the person who wants the option of going away for the weekend was unable to attend, so be it (which, honestly, is such an incredibly selfish thing to request…I mean if she already had plans and the dates conflicted that’s one thing, but this is ridiculous.)
As for the guest list, yes, she should have told you sooner that she would have to limit it to 16 (which, honestly, sounds crazy small, my parent’s house is a small 3 bedroom cape, and we had like 45), but that is sort of under the bridge now. Maybe you could suggest that the BMs have a personal shower or just a presents-free lunch?
Post # 4
This is a tough one… but I think that the people who offered to throw you the shower should have considered the time when a shower is typically thrown– the weekend– and who usually gets invited to these things.
Most people work, so a weeday night might be inconvenient for your guests. Is there a way that you could suggest that to your hostesses without sounding ungrateful?
Also, it’s tradition to invite all female members of the wedding guest list that you are close to (i.e., you don’t have to invite a female that your FMIL put on the guest list if you don’t know her)
Maybe you could politely mention that throwing you the shower seems like too much of a hassel for her schedule and that your bridesmaids would be more than happy to take over. Tell her she can still be included in the planning, but make it sound like you’re handing over the responsibilty of the party to benefit her.
Or, send in one of your bridesmaid to sort of act as an advocate for you during the planning process. If it’s necessary to cut the list down to 16, then maybe your advocate could at least argue for it to be on a weekend on your behalf.
Post # 5
this is what i would say to her:
"i understand that hosting this shower might be a burden for you given that your house can only hold 16 people and the only convenient times for you would be on a weekday. while a small, intimate shower sounds lovely, most of my guests and i work on weekdays and would be unable to make it. why don’t we put the responsibility of planning and hosting the shower back on my BM’s so that they can come up with a time and location that works for us and you can just sit back and enjoy the shower as a guest?"
Post # 6
I think it should be on a weekend–and just invite your extra friends anyways. Who cares if a few more people show up. This is your bridal showwer–not the hosts!
Post # 7
If things aren’t working out the way you want them to, then I think you should have your BM’s throw you the shower instead. Let your mother’s friend know that her schedule and preferences aren’t really working out with your schedule and that it might be a better option for your BM’s to throw a shower for you instead. She should be able to understand where you’re coming from, especially since your schedule and preferences should go on top of everyone else’s.
Post # 8
WOW I hope you are able to read my email before you make a HUGE mistake. You have no right to dictate the terms of this shower, period. In a perfect world she should accommodate you but she is doing this for you and you should be gracious and say THANK YOU. Even if it is not the way you would like it and even if it becomes inconvenient! Be gracious, say thank you and by all means do not try to interfere with your hostesses event, yes it is your shower but you are not the hostess. You do have the right to decline but beyond that anything else is horribly poor form! You are hardly the first bride to be faced with this exact situation, just the first I know of to get really bad advice! Pick up an etiquette book people!
Post # 9
Something similar happened with me and BOTH my showers actually. I had to be firm on dates and times, I appreciated greatly that pople were throwing me a shower but my take on it is – if you’re going to ask me (whom the party is for) what I want and when I want it then things should be manuevered around me, not other people.
In my case my MIL wanted to keep moving my party because my SIL couldn’t be ther eon time, and then have it at 7 pm, when she lives an hour out of the city because of my SIL – I was raging angry…she’s had her parties…she’s not doing anything for this one…absolutly not.
The co-hostess sounds a bit rude and I would suggest the host find someone to take her place in helping. Asking you to take off work early, which I’m sure would be needed as well as most your guest list…is just insaine.
A bridal shower should be a bout the BRIDE. And if they don’t want to know what she wants when she wants it – they shoundn’t ask. How rude to say "Invite who you want" and then come back with "Well sorry now I can only do this" I doubt very much only 16 people fit in her house, it’s summer spill out to the yard. Have it at another persons house.
I say go with Emilees idea of what to say to her and just make sure it goes that way. This party is seeming more like she wants to have a party at her house and invite her friends, rather then support and celebrate your time, byu letting you do it with the people who matter most to you.
After all, the party is for and about you.
Post # 10
Whatever you do, DO NOT "just invite your extra friends anyways." That is so incredibly rude. I would just cut my guest list to make it my mom’s other friends that might know the hostess and maybe a few friends of your FMIL. Go to the party whenever she might hold it and be thankful that she thought to throw you a shower. Then ask your BMs if they would still be willing to throw you a shower and invite your friends to that one. You do not get to dictate the terms of a party someone else is hosting.
Post # 11
I agree totally with prettykatie. And if you end up only inviting 10 people, and then only 5 come because it is a weeknight, oh well. You are not the hostess so don’t stress yourself out about it. Then if you still want a full shower, ask your BMs if they are willing to hold one.
Post # 12
Update-So I just spoke with the hostess. The shower will be on a weeknight and only 16 people. I just am going to suck it up. It’s not how I would want it but again…it’s not my choice. These are details beyond my control and I’m just over it. I’ll go, have a good time, and just accept the nice gesture of hosting a shower for me.
And then me and my BM’s and friends will just have to hit up a weekend brunch all together and celebrate…thanks for all the advice everyone!
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
I’m glad to hear that everything worked out 🙂